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You know I feel silly about this, but I can't help how I feel, even at the age I'm at today.
Here it goes, I'm an adoptee with a different background, I've been here before user name wings free, I don't know how to change it back to that, but it doesn't matter no one would remember me. I left because I struggled with an alcohol addiction, I needed to get that sorted out before I came back here, today I'm free of it or over a year an a half, anyway I'm back needing some help with this.
My adopted parents died a long time ago, I have no history of who I am at all, but today I've finally accepted it, there comes a point in your life that you have to in order to move on as hard as it is at times.
What's happening today....well I hope to write this out without it looking like I'm whining or feeling sorry for myself, to be honest I really don't know how to feel about this, all I know is it's made me feel terribly sad, the sad where you want to cry, and lordy I hate crying.
It's about the man I married, one who never has tried to understand my feelings on any of it, one who still has both his parents, he's 54 years old. Today his mother is in a home for elderly people, thank heavens for places like that. So him and his sister are going through a lot of papers and such, I had went to help, but ended up having to leave, it hit me hard for some strange reason what he was reading to me, or thought I needed to hear it all. He showed me his baby book, when he took his first step, his first this that and the next thing, hair from his first hair cut, plus other things his mother had kept. I was ok with other things he showed me, his great great grandparents, which I said, wow that's such a nice picture to have, to know where you're from.
So here I sit not knowing what to do with these yuck feelings I have running through me, trying to shake them off, so I figured who better to be with them people like myself who understand.
I think what I need to do is let it go AGAIN, hand it over to God.
Sorry if this sounds like whining, it's just I feel so sad right now, I've been doing so good with so many things over the past year or so, now this.
Thanks for listening to me, I didn't go over what I just wrote, I hope it's not to jumbled up, or confusing, lol, I tend to do that at times.
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Wings-Freed wrote
I am a birthmom.. and I hated crying.. I hated the grief.. but IMO crying is good..
Into it then out the other side.. and your grief is real and valid..
I would not go to my husbands family reunions for years.. I still hate them..
I hear him speak of history.. and searching the net for his great great grandparents.. and I think of my bson and how he does not have this.. not really..
I do not know how is birthfather is.. I do not know the name.. I have taken that history from him.. I was told to forget..
And forget I did..
I am so very very sorry that you have to deal with this terrible terrible life issue..
It must be so difficult for you..
I agree we are powerless over all of this.. and letting go and letting God.. helps..
I think of my bson as a person that was/is starting a new part of me somewhere else.. part of my history my generations..
He has three babies.. and those babies are going beyond my world.. have gone beyond my world..
Totally different..
I am not into family history.. my family.. I do not revel in it.. I do not think of it.. because of the split that happened in 1965.
The my son must be raised by others.. my son came into this world at a time when I could not care for him..
The facts.. the facts a person can not get around..
Taking a drink and or taking a drug (<my addiction) in order to not go into these feelings is something an addict must avoid..
My mom would tear me to shreds and then say.. Awe Jackie have a drink.Ӕ
Its wrong.. what she did.. going into the feelings and knowing they will pass.. and knowing that all of this is much bigger than me helps..
Welcome back..
Jackie
What's happening today....well I hope to write this out without it looking like I'm whining or feeling sorry for myself, to be honest I really don't know how to feel about this, all I know is it's made me feel terribly sad, the sad where you want to cry, and lordy I hate crying.
It's about the man I married, one who never has tried to understand my feelings on any of it, one who still has both his parents, he's 54 years old. Today his mother is in a home for elderly people, thank heavens for places like that. So him and his sister are going through a lot of papers and such, I had went to help, but ended up having to leave, it hit me hard for some strange reason what he was reading to me, or thought I needed to hear it all. He showed me his baby book, when he took his first step, his first this that and the next thing, hair from his first hair cut, plus other things his mother had kept. I was ok with other things he showed me, his great great grandparents, which I said, wow that's such a nice picture to have, to know where you're from.
I think what I need to do is let it go AGAIN, hand it over to God.
Hi ((((mlassi)))), thank you. I tried before looking for support here, but didn't get very far with it.
((((Jackie)))) I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure also. Some just don't seem to understand or don't want to.
What I did to help myself was something I learned to do from others who have taught me along the way...so I did it, I stepped back, let myself feel the way I needed to feel, dealt with those feelings, then let them go. If my circumstances were different then they are with hubby, I know things would have been different, what he did that day was a normal thing, but he didn't think of how I might feel at all.
Today I've finally learned to accept things, which took me a long time to do, we have to come to that point, otherwise we keep running around in circles with the same crazy thoughts in our heads.
Oh yeah about the addiction thing, if I need an excuse for it, it was my hubby who'd say have a drink it will make you feel better, ha, it only made me feel worse which kept me in a life time of a living hell, one I've finally released myself from, thanking my God for His help. One that I tried everything under the sun to stop it, the only thing that did was being open and honest with my Dr, crying my eyes out, him seeing what was going on, the depression had gotten unbearable, he put me on meds which has literally saved my life today, I can't express enough how that has helped, and my help others who are in need of it. I've never went and talked to anyone about what's ate away at me the biggest part of my life, ha, life's to darn short isn't it? To be so unhappy all the time.
You know I could ramble on and on and on here because of how my life has been, as I've said mine has been different from most adoptees, I don't put any blame on anyone at all, I realise there were circumstances that put me where I was put way back then, that was never a problem, I understood that, it could have happened to me.
My user name comes from something I had to free myself from, which I have for the most part, but it still haunts me today when the situation comes up again regarding a younger brother of mine, who wasn't adopted, was only fostered because my Aparents were to old to adopt him, plus he wasn't a child that people we're willing to adopt because he was born downs, I have tears typing this because of the pain of it all, there's just been way to much STUFF over the years, but like everyone else WE keep moving forward do the best we can, help others when we can.
Thanks for your replys :thanks:
P.S. Jackie, know what? Your name was my given name, my Amother didn't like it, so she changed it just before they adopted me, I was over 2 years old, hahaha, now how's that for confusing a person even more lol. :eek:
I think that the only "words of wisdom" that I have is to let yourself feel the grief...of not having the baby book that lists all your firsts...you have a right to feel sad about that...you have a right to feel whatever you feel. Giving yourself the "right" to feel it... also gives you the ability to move through it..get to the other side..and get on with your life. It was when I pretended that things didn't hurt..that I got into trouble..it was when I denied my feelings about finding my bfamily...that I bottled up so many feelings that they bubbled out with physical issues. Be good to yourself...I finally realized that I needed the answers about my bfamily...whatever they might be...searched for...located and happily reunited with my bfamily. Took me 48 long years to do it...but I guess it was better late than never. I wish you well in whatever journey you choose to take...sal
I did not like my name for years and years.. Now I use it on the net because I am determined to like it..
My husband calls me Joe.. I call him Joe.. we are just two Joes getting through life..
Its all lessons to me.. and staying in the moment.. staying in the now..
Life can be so darn hard.. The hard parts overcome is what makes us strong..
Jackie
Today I've finally learned to accept things, which took me a long time to do, we have to come to that point, otherwise we keep running around in circles with the same crazy thoughts in our heads.
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