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I would like to share a story that touched people very close to my heart and nearly destroyed a birthmother. The short version of the story is that a young teen ran away from an abusive home and fell in love with an abusive man. After two years of cohabiting the mother chose to become pregnant and had a beautiful daughter named Devon. The mother tried her best to raise Devon in a healthy home but soon became a single parent and battled depression, as well as poverty and a lack of resources. After being sexually assaulted and losing her apartment she placed her little girl with her father temporarily as she was homeless and just 17 years old. The father forged documents giving himself the power of attorney over Devon and pressured the mother to give the child to a family he claimed were his friends. Over the course of a year the mother was forced to draw up a list of things she could give Devon and compare it to what an adoptive family could. She was repeatedly given messages that she didn't love her baby if she wouldn't do what was in Devon's best interest and place her in for adoption. She was told there was something called open adoption that meant ongoing contact with the child and that open adoption was legal and would stay open for Devon's childhood. She was criticized for being selfish for wanting to raise her own daughter and told that her daughter would have many developmental and psychological problems if she didn't place her in an open adoption. She was pressured and only 17 years old, had no education or life experience, no support, no other family and no access to a lawyer. She resisted and insisted on raising her daughter. Eventually the father made the adoptive family visit the mother. The adoptive family made many promises about visits,photos, report cards and invited her to be part of the family. They had her over to their family's holiday celebrations and made her welcome to visit them in their home. She found this very therapeutic as she had never had a real family. She began to believe that she would destroy her daughter's well being by not placing her for adoption and felt that adoption was the best thing she could do for Devon, who she loves and still thinks of and talks about daily. The family assured the mother that she would always be a part of her daughters life. Open adoption was presented as being legally binding and she trusted this nice family who would give her daughter a nice home, brothers, a father, financial security, suburbia and the whole "real family life". The mother reluctantly agreed to give her daughter a chance to have everything the mother didn't have growing up. The open adoption took place and the mother thought there were lawyers for both sides, one representing her best interest as the birthmother. The mother cried and vacillated between signing the adoption papers and raising her daughter. Her father insisted she sign the papers as he said he had power of attorney and she wouldn't see Devon ever again if she didn't sign. How could she hurt this nice couple by refusing to let them adopt Devon? Didn't she love Devon very much? The openness of the adoption was the deciding factor in her decision and she felt that adoption was in Devons best interest The day she signed the papers she felt like a big piece of herself had died, yet she felt happy that Devon would have a wonderful future.She visited Devon and it killed her to leave at the end of every visit. She was reassured only by the openness of the adoption. Time passed and the family betrayed her. They moved and the birthmother could not find them. Lawyers informed her that there is no such thing as legally binding open adoption, as Devons adoption had been a private domestic adoption and the birthmothers lawyer had been paid by the adoptive parents, not a free clinic. They closed the adoption and left the birthmother behind like a used kleenex, with no thought of her feelings or how Devon would feel that her biological mother had been used and betrayed. Devon probably felt abandoned as by this time she was 5 years old. The adoptive parents gave no thought to how Devon would feel or the grief she experienced losing her mother. They did not research adoption and the positive effects of maintaining contact with the birthfamily The birthmother never stopped searching for her little girl. She cries when she sees little girls and cries when she thinks of Devon, which is daily. She never healed and never will. The birthmother found out years later that the adoptive father died when Devon was 9 years old. Her little girl lost her mother and her adoptive father within four years of each other. There is a high probability that Devon experienced abandonment issues and psychological scarring. The adoptive mother tried to pretend that Devon was her own child and Devon discovered by accident that she was adopted, another major trauma. Devon wasn't told why she was adopted and the vagueness about the possibility of being rejected by your own mother has serious negative consequences on a child's development. Adoption is an option that unites children in need with parents who choose to love them. I hope this women's story helps adoptive parents realize that a child who is placed for adoption is loved just as much, and maybe more, than non-adopted children. A mother who is poor, young, single, uneducated and has no hope for the future may be willing to adopt-out her child if it means the child will have a better life than the mother could ever hope to give the child, such is love and it is a tremendous sacrifice a mother makes for her young child. Birthmothers carry scars that never heal and adoption changes their lives in profound ways. Adoption is a gain for the adoptive parents but it is a big loss for the birthmother. Relinquishing does not mean that the mother does not love her child. The birthmother in this story loves her daughter and thinks of her every day. She has researched adoption extensively in the available psychological, sociological and anthropology literature. The birthmother succeeded in contacting the adoptive family after seven years of searching. She sent many letters over a long period of time, explaining the circumstances of the adoption, her betrayal and the pain it caused. She begged for the adoption to be reopened, she prayed to God and never stopped sending letters. She thought about Devon and where she was at in her life, what her interests were, how she was doing in school, what she looked like, how she was faring in a single parent home, worried about abuse and neglect, worried if the family was living in poverty, worried about the adoptive mother having a new boyfriend and if he would be kind to Devon. She thought of her daughters adoptive brothers and how they treated Devon. She daydreamed and fantasized about a reunion, about hugging Devon and talking with her face to face. She felt incredible pain about not being able to participate in her daughters life, about not being able to give advice, counseling and support, about missing out on her firsts for everything, about if she looked like the birthmother, if she could afford to get a post seconday education, if she thought her birthmother had abandoned her. She attempted suicide when the betrayal first happened but the thoughts of reunion kept her going for those long years as her daughter was growing up. The birthmother waited and prayed, wrote letters and poems, daydreamed and fantasized. She eagerly went to her mailbox every day after she had found the family, thinking that the family might have answered her letters, or sent her a photo. On Devons birthday and for a few days before and after she became very depressed, every year since the adoption. Her suffering grew worse after the open adoption closed. The birthmother was sure that the adoptive mother would change her mind and reopen the adoption; after all the birthmother had chosen the adoptive mother. The birthmother had never abused or neglected Devon and had never had any problems with the child protection authorities. The birthmothers anticipation of news, or a photo, or a reunion grew as her daughter grew. She was certain that nobody could be so cruel as to ignore her child's right to know about her past. Wasn't it obvious that Devon needed to know her roots and her history? Wasn't two mothers better than one, especially now that her adoptive father had died? Wouldn't it be in Devon's best interest to let her know that her birthmother had never rejected her? That she loved her? That she wanted to participate in her life? The birthmother was sure that she would get news, or even a photo! Then she could start healing and stop crying all the time.She never saw her Devon againplease do not promise an open adoption to convince a birthmother to relinquish. Birthmothers love their children. if you have any question please email me or post here.
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Stormster
I always assumed there was healing ...esp. in a functioning open adoption
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Healing does not mean the loss is gone, it means you have learned how to live with it.
Oceans you so right. I have full feelings of responsibility for helping E's birthmother heal and not only do I now realize that won't work, but it is actually more about my own guilt.
Just as she has to cope with her own loss, I have to cope with my own guilt.
I have to stop thinking of OA as some kind of supersalve!
Even though I may have an ideal about women helping each other etc. the trauma to a birth mother is just outside the scope of my understanding. It has taken me over a year to understand that it is not the same as a death, or just living apart...it is not the same as healing from the guilt of a pregnancy termination. It's not the same as anything.
I really could use support for when the guilt hits me hard (like right now or when I read certain posts on this site). But what support is there? It is what it is?
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it IS black and white One gains and one loses. And open adoption is irrelevant to the loss.
I wish I could wave my hand and make all adoptive parent guilt go away.
Unless of course you've done something post-adoption to feel guilty about :eyebrows: LOL
But seriously, you were never part of the problem (unplanned and/or ill-timed pregnancy) nor were you part of the solution. Adoption was the solution - not you. You were just the best person to parent her baby when she couldn't. There's no guilt in that.
Let yourself off the hook for that one ((Hugs))
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I think it's so important to remember in open adoption that bmom has her pain and her loss and while you need to be empathetic towards her and that, it's not your fault that she is hurting. The loss and gain can be seperate from the actual relationship, not adoption as a whole, but the relationship between the parents. Does that make sense?
My question is this.....How can you tell if your child's first mom is feeling that loss? My ason's first mom does not seem that remorseful. She has said before that it is easier not to see him, but then again, alot of the time when she calls me, it seems like he is an after thought to whatever crisis she has going on at the time. Alot of time she doesn't even ask about him. She just wants something or needs a shoulder to cry on because her family has kicked her out. She is now, infact, talking about giving up her other children for adoption. I just sometimes wonder if not all first mom's feel that loss and remorse. I pray for her sake she doesn't. But at the same time, I do not want to diminish her pain. Does any of this make sense?
Not really. Why should I as a first mom feel remorse? For having sex? For not using the proper protection? For not having the courage to look at other options? Remorse? I don't get it.
There is a huge difference to feeling grief and loss to feeling remorse. I suffered my grief privately. I've held my pain privately. And I can guarantee you that if I'd had the option of an open adoption, his parents would have been the last people I would have shared my private grief with.
Remorse? Unless there was abuse or drug use and the child was removed from the situation, I don't get it.
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paigeturner
There is a huge difference to feeling grief and loss to feeling remorse. I suffered my grief privately. I've held my pain privately. And I can guarantee you that if I'd had the option of an open adoption, his parents would have been the last people I would have shared my private grief with.
This is something I wonder about with DD's birth mom. She has shown no sign of grief or pain when with us, not that I expect her to email me concerning her feelings post adoption, or leave visits with tears in her eyes but she seems completely fine when around us. Not knowing exactly how she feels I find myself feeling so uncomfortable with post placement visits. I tend to walk on eggshells so as not to upset her or add to any pain she may be feeling. I feel the need to just give her DD at visits and stay in the background as if too much interaction between myself and DD would be like rubbing the situation in her face. That might sound dumb but that's how I feel at times. We had a relationship before placement so we've talked about family members and at our last visit I found myself telling her a story about my nephew. During the story I shared that he no longer refers to me as Aunt Alicia but now I'm Shiloh's mommy. After saying that I felt so guilty for referring to myself as mommy in front of her. I know that's what I am, but again I don't know how sensitive she is to all of this and I don't want to say anything to upset her or add to her pain. I feel like I am being overly sensitive to her but because I don't know how she feels I don't know what to do!
I'm with Paige and TG. The aparents would have been the last people I showed my grief to.
aallen: Remember, you can build a relationship with your daughter's birthmom that is separate from your daughter. Of course, talk about DD milestones etc. but I would also ask her about her life. How's work, school, family etc. That way you're building a friendship - KWIM?
Don't feel guilty. Since I'm not in an OA, this may not be good advice but in my real life, I would rather someone come out and ask me directly "how I'm feeling", than walk on eggshells or assume I am feeling a certain way... So there's another option. Maybe you could just come out and ask her..
I also did not share my grief with the adoptive parents. They ended up knowing about it only because I spoke about it publicly. There was also the time I broke down during Dumbo.. the "Baby Mine" song totally did me in. I was mortified.
Most birthparents in OA that I have known are very careful to hold it together during visits. They do not want to appear unstable, or embarass themselves or make the adoptive parents feel bad. Some get through visits by not talking much about their child.
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To be frank, I used to be very uncomfortable talking about the pain of birth mothers because I felt that in my journey I too had experienced massive pain but here, on these boards which are such a huge part of my day, that pain is often pushed aside. I also felt that anyone, including birth mothers, who were fertile and could have children were better off than I. That is why I reacted the way I did to the concept of "gain" because the cost had been so great to me physically, emotionally, financially. Yes I have a child now but in so many ways I grieve too. Every day. And for more than one child. More than five children. I was not able to give birth to four of them and one of them is another woman's child.
And I would tell myself well this is a site about ADOPTION but then that didn't work either because for me it was all part of the adoption...this long journey toward motherhood chock full of miscarriages and operations and scams and heartbreak.
But now I realize what Tamaryn said which is: I think it's so important to remember in open adoption that bmom has her pain and her loss and while you need to be empathetic towards her and that, it's not your fault that she is hurting. The loss and gain can be seperate from the actual relationship, not adoption as a whole, but the relationship between the parents. Does that make sense?
This means that MY pain too can be separate.
So what I take from that is we are EACH entitled to our own pain but yes, in the adoption there is someone who clearly loses something. And in my own way, I can see that my experiences, while devastating, had endings I can grieve for. I'm still not comfortable comparing pain but I am much more in touch with the reality of the situation.