Birthmother input, please

I might throw a post up on the birthparent blog and send people here. But here are my answers in the meantime.1. What do you wish you had known going into your open adoption?

That open adoptions were not legally binding. That my responsibility for communication is VERY important. (I know that now but I think many mothers need to be warned that it's NOT a one way street. We see so many adoptive parents who just want something/anything from their kids' first families!) Uhm, and that grief and loss aren't magically erased by OA. 2. What's changed in your OA as your placed child has matured?

I've started focusing more on my relationship with my daughter than her parents. But at the same time, I still have to put in work with them because that's also an important relationship. So, just finding some balance there as of late. 3. What, if anything, would you do differently if you had the opportunity?

I think everyone knows my answer here. 4. What do you think is the best thing about your own OA experience?

J&D are AMAZING parents and I enjoy watching her interact with them. If I have to be a birth mother, I want them to be her parents and I want to watch her grow. 5. What's the worst?

My unethical agency told me that this would get easier with time since I get to see her. That's a lie for me. It hasn't gotten easier. It just hasn't.

1. What do you wish you had known going into your open adoption? [FONT="Century Gothic"]that I would have to do most of the work pertaining to visits.[/FONT] 2. What's changed in your OA as your placed child has matured? [FONT="Century Gothic"]really nothing as of yet. Supergirl is approaching 4 and knows who I am in regards to her[/FONT] 3. What, if anything, would you do differently if you had the opportunity? [FONT="Century Gothic"]Not have all the work on me. Looked at more profiles, talked to more pap's, asked more questions.[/FONT] 4. What do you think is the best thing about your own OA experience? ?? 5. What's the worst?[FONT="Century Gothic"]That I have to do all this work and they get all the reward.[/FONT]

Will answer after some sleep. :)

1. What do you wish you had known going into your open adoption? That I was making a huge mistake that would impact negatively on the rest of my life. Adoption has a huge...huge ripple effect. I am not the only one who feels sad about the situation. Adoption is forever. I gave birth to this baby but she's the APs child and soon will be their adult daughter....forever. 2. What's changed in your OA as your placed child has matured? We no longer have visits. I have not had a f-2-f for years and I am happy with that. The teen years are messy. We only do cards for bday and xmas. I think the APs didn't think I would have been around for so long. I think everyone thought I would fade out. I guess I kind of have but I am more focused on my issues rather than trying to make this girl like me. 3. What, if anything, would you do differently if you had the opportunity? I would not have relinquished. Being a parent is hard, hard work but does have rewards, being a bmother has been a miserable experience for me. 4. What do you think is the best thing about your own OA experience? The APs kept to our agreement and even went beyond the original agreement. They are good parents and have/do give it 100 percent. I am grateful for that. They love her and she loves them - thank goodness. My pain, hurt, anger and loss is not their stuff to deal with. But it would have been worse if they had not stuck to the OA agreement or had been terrible parents. 5. What's the worst? Loss, depression that I had for about 14 years, the misery of trying to understand the complexity of the situation. I was just reading my journal before I logged on and reading entries I wrote years ago about how I was driving my car and passed her on the street and recognised her. 1) I was shocked that I recognised her for a start, even though I had had visits and photos I had never seen her in an 'uncontrolled environment'. 2) i almost drove off the road. 3) when I calmed down I realised that I could not stop and offer her a ride! I would probably totally freak her out. I mean what would she do? I also realised if I dropped her off at her home then the APs would probably freak out. I realised I was this freak, this unwanted weirdo in an otherwise normal life. So I could look at this young teen that I had given birth to but I could not be just a normal person that she knows and offer her a lift. Adoption is not normal. I hope the paps read primal wound and have some knowledge that their new child will be suffering loss. BTW thanks for asking the questions.