Question for Adoptees

okay here we go. I am a birthmother, I have found my birthdaughter and her mother.Since there was not a way to get ahold of the daughter by herself. I wrote a letter, I put BOTH of their names on it. not wanting to cause any problems on either side. It had all my contact information in it. Then it happens I get an e-mail from the mother. saying she got the letter and she has not shared it with the daughter. and she would rather I speak to her for now. I am angered by this in someways but in other ways I understand, she is being protective. the mother and I have been corrseponding back and forth all last week. and i have asked the question does the daughter know she is adopted and she says the daughter has always know. Then why does she not share with the daughter that I have found them?? I am scared that her doing things her way may cause problems. I did not want things to go this way. I have explained that I am not trying to step in and take over or try to be her mom I have only wanted to be friends, nothing more.We could all use good friends. Is their anyone here that has an idea how I can get to the daughter. I have goggled her name and nothing pulls up. and there is nothing on US Search. So either she still lives at home or is still in school. She is over 18 now. I know you all think I am an idiot and thats okay. I thought I was doing the right thing. any ideas would be great

Hi Chunk, You could use ancestry.com, which has birth records to get her name. I think they give you a free 14 day membership. Start gathering information about your daughter, so if the amom does try to keep you away, you will have recourse. Maybe the amom just needs some more time. You can also check local public records to get information about the family. You never know what you will find there. Property records, as well as certain other records are public and usually accessible over the Internet. Kim

Dag! I lost my reply so my apologies if it pops up twice. Have you only been corresponding with the amom for a week? If so, that's not so long. I'm not trying to take up for her, as I think your daughter has every right to know you wish contact. Just maybe though, she's reeling from the contact and trying to figure out the best way to broach this with your daughter. My mom has asked me several times if I wanted to search and I've shut her down each time. (I'm 40) If your daughter hasn't expressed any interest yet, then maybe she's trying to gather some information about you, and ease into this with your child. I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. Plus, you wanted someone who would protect and love her, even after the magic age of 18, right? :) That being said, you have every right to try and contact your daughter, and she has every right to make this decision without mom's interference, even if it is well intentioned. Is she college aged? Check out close by colleges, myspace, facebook, what HS she could have gone to. Check classmates and see if there is info on there. You weren't an idiot. You were following the only information you had! Good luck, and I hope you hear from her soon, and that you and amom develop a nice friendship too.

I don't think you are an "idiot" at all. It sounds like you were trying to be inclusive and thoughtful. Try to continue being patient - easier said then done I am sure. People go through a lot in their late teens and twenties. Scientists used to think development stopped at adulthood, but now we know that is not the case. There can be rapid development in your twenties. She may be going through something that her amom doesn't want to throw more challenges at her. In time it can work itself out. Hang in there! :-)

Hello-I am an adult adoptee (age 44). I very recently (January '08) reunited with my birth siblings. I never got the chance to meet my Bmom, she passed away 5 weeks after my initial contact with them. I grew up knowing I was adopted and that my Amom had some information for me when I 'was ready'. I found out that it wasn't when I was ready, but when she was. She said I could have it when I was 18, then it was when I got married, yet conveniently when I'd ask for it, she couldn't remember where she put it. I finally got the info about 8 years ago. She knew I was curious and probably figured that I would search. I think she was afraid of what it would mean for her, when or if I found them. I believe she felt threatened by the idea of me having a possible relationship with them. For that reason I'm sure if my Bmom had contacted her, she would've withheld the information from me. I think every situation is different, but I think as long as they're adults, the adoptees have the right to be contacted directly and make that decision for themselves. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

I would be bothered by it. I am not hiding, my number is in the book.

Wouldn't be bothered. Would probably ask why and think it not normal.

I would be bothered by it. I am not hiding, my number is in the book.

Honestly, I'd say try and find your daughter and get in touch directly with her. When I had contact with my nmom it was all through my 1/2 sisters email so she read everything first, she totally ignored every attempt for me to have privacy with my nmom so it was a nightmare, nothing was ever private, it drove me nuts and was very upsetting, you need privacy just between you two because yes it can cause huge problems having someone in between. As others have said look everywhere, I'm sure you already have, Facebook, Myspace etc. good luck, hugs to you..

If biomom had contacted me through my aparents I would have been really put off by it. It is difficult to put to words exactly why... probably because she brokered me to them in the first place without my involvement or consent and seeking contact through them cuts me out of the loop again.

Reading your posts is like taking a look into my own mind. I too have trouble expressing my feelings, sometimes words can't explain it.

Actually that's how mine happened. I just wish that my adoptive parents could've been more supportive.

I am an amom whose children will always know they are adopted. I am curious about something. I have read, as seen personally, the pain caused by adoptees "not knowing" they were adopted. That said, I have seen a number of postings where the adoptees are in "secret" reunions with birthparents. Isn't all of the secrecy and pain being perpetuated?

My birth mother contacted me via my adopted parents, when I was 28. She had no way of knowing if I knew I was adopted, so she didn't want to be the one to tell me, as such. Having said that, I have great adopted parents who were very supportive of me contacting my birth mother, and now, 13 years later, they all get on really well.

When I was searching for my birthson I found possible matches, but was not sure. A site that had free search angels was more sure than I was, and she recommended that SHE contact the birthparents, even though he was an adult, to make sure he was interested in contact. I had sent an email to him through a site he had posted on, but he never received it, since some time had gone by and the email address was no longer valid. Either way seemed strange, to tell the truth. To contact someone you're not sure is the right person and ask....not easy. And not everyone is in the book these days, with cellphones, etc. His dad said, yes, he had been recently talking about how much he wanted to find us. Don't judge which way people choose, none of this is easy. People on all sides fear rejection, and don't necessarily want to tell their story to stangers. Also, how many people don't answer calls that are unfamiliar numbers?! If anyone guesses wrong on which is the right thing, it's not from bad intentions.