Pre-Birth Contact?

For me, meeting the parents pre-birth is what "cemented" my decision for me. Adoption was more to me than just the fact that I did not feel the best thing for my DD was to be raised by me, but she had to be raised by two parents who could give her a quality of life that was what I wanted for her. When I spoke to the family and went on to the first meeting, I knew in my heart that these were the right people. It just clicked. It alleviated fears for me throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. I never had concerns that she would not be raised in a wonderful environment. During the years I lost contact, I never worried about DD, I had confidence in her parents, so I had confidence that she was thriving. I needed that in order to go through with it. I don't know if I could have placed or handled post placement not having met the people who would raise my daughter. Now, I look back and know that I could never have changed my mind, there way no way I would have been able to do that to DD's mom, I would have felt guilty. But it's kind of a circular arguement, I didn't change my mind because I was so confident that they would be awesome parents because I had met them. When it's right, it's right. Hope that made sense, I feel like that was a bit of a ramble ;)

In many ways I am glad that I had no pre birth match. I didn't have the extra pressure of making them happy while trying to deal with my own stuff. In hindsight-- I may have known how they would handle the relationship before I was in the mess that I am in now and I would have looked some more. But in all honesty, I am glad to not have any additional pressures placed on me in an all ready stressful time.

Honestly, we had no contact prior to birth, we were matched after Ty was born. We have an amazing realtionship with his birth family. I know plenty who did have contact prior, and they don't have a great relationship. I think it just depends on the people involved in the relationship, like with everything else in life. I don't think that if you choose to only match with children that are are already TPR that it will put you behind the 8 ball regarding an open adoption by any means.

Since I am from the closed era, this was never an option so my thoughts are really just theory. I would think the choice to meet an expectant mom would really depend on the level of "openness" you desire. Will there be visitations? Will your child get to know their birthmom as they grow, etc? Are you comfortable with that? If so, then I would think you would want as much time as possible in order for YOU to get a feeling that the expectant mom is a good match to you and for your family - especially if you have other children. KWIM? If you agree to visitation, but only want to meet after TPR, is there anyway to ensure this is a good match for YOU? or is it just luck? I dont know... Sometimes, obviously, meeting after or at TRP is the only option, but personally, I would want lots of history and time with the expectant mom at the hospital if it was an OA.... Brandy's right - no two situations are the same... As far as pressuring the expectant mom... I suppose that could be an issue if you weren't sensitive to the issue (which you are) in addition to working with an agency that you trust with regards to options counseling. You know yourself and your beliefs - If you feared this may be happening, you could always make that a part of your conversations...

Thank you for all your responses!! I'm really mulling over what the heck to do IF we adopt again (I want to say WHEN! but DH and I are still sort of lollygagging!). I feel almost like your DD's aparents, Brown (except we had agency involvement....but I was not pleased with their counseling of any of us). It's like I don't think DD's birth parents placed because of us, but I do almost feel like the relationship we built "cemented" that decision? That's a "concern," I guess. My post-TPR thoughts were more selfish. Like I am really afraid for US to either A) have a failed match or B) feel like somehow we were pressuring the birth parents (albeit just by being there). But I know that many emoms want to know as much as they can and in that sense, I guess maybe it's better to just be more open to pre-birth contact. Thanks again!

I'm kind of late to this, but, this is my opinion.We matched pre-birth, in October, and Jack was born in January. It was important to his birthmom to have contact with the family she chose. She was committed to placing, and I think she needed to know us, and be comfortable with us, to be sure that she was giving her baby to the right family. Based on what happened surrounding the birth itself, I don't think I could ever be present at the baby's birth again. But I would match pre-birth, if the opportunity presented itself. I know that, for us, we wanted to make sure that we knew who Jack's birthmom is, to be able to share that with him as he grows up. Also, we all wanted a kind of "extended family" relationship, and meeting pre-birth, we were able to discuss that and try to make it happen.:hippie:

Rredhead, DD's birth mom has said the same things....it was really important for her to "know" us....She really "grilled" us when we first met, and I was so impressed! I just talked to her this morning and I realize that we have a very comfortable relationship and I truly think part of it is the fact that we got to know each other pretty well before DD was born. Thanks for sharing.

This is MY experience. My situation is abit different then the norm. I am a mother that had an adoption plan and then chose to parent. I found out I was pregnant and within minutes I was on the phone with a friend who was just beginning to look into adoption. (Yes, I truly found THE SOLUTION to my temporary situation!) They searched out the laws for our state and found out we had to go through an agency. They then found an agency they were happy with and that's where we went. My baby was considered theirs from the moment they said they would adopt him. The agency...well, I now find that they neglected some major issues with all of us. I was considered a birthmother from day one, my son was not considered mine. They would refer to him as "the baby". The PAP had no education. Normal policy for the agency was to go to classes, but my PAP's didn't have to because we had arranged the adoption before they were signed with the agency. I wanted to make the PAPs happy in EVERY WAY. I feared if I did something or said anything they didn't like they would "punish" me by not allowing an open adoptionin the end. My son was born and for the first time I viewed him as MINE! I wanted him! I wanted to parent! The PAPs were there during the delivery and I was continually haunted with their tears of joy over the child they thought was finally theirs. Their families were at the hospital, so happy, telling me what a wonderful gift I was giving them. Thanking me for such a beautiful grandson. (You get the picture.) I withdrew and went into my own little world. I recalled my adoption councellor telling me that I WOULD change my mind at some point. So, I thought all the emotions that I was going through were only the process of the adoption. I strongly believe had I NOT known the PAPs I would have stopped the adoption the moment my son was born. However, I loved my PAPs, we had known each other for a few years and I sooooooo did not want to hurt them. It took alot of strength to stop the adoption. I knew I was choosing my son over my friends. I almost still went through with it because I didn't want to hurt them. But, in the end I realized that was NOT a reason to have them parent my son. I knew that I had given them their dream come true and to rip that dream away, killed me as much as it hurt them. I am SO SORRY for the pain I caused them, but I had to do what was right for my son and myself. I feel the agency could have done alot more education with all of us. I feel their terminology of us was wrong. All of us did not receive appropriate councelling during the process. I pray they received some after I brought my son home. I'm torn between prematching and no pre-matching. I'm against it for the apparent reason of wanting to parent, but not wanting to hurt the PAPs. But I'm for it because of the stories above. An awesome relationship can be developed pre-birth. I guess in the long run...EDUCATION, EDUCATION! PAPs need to know that the baby they are waiting for IS NOT theirs until TPR is signed. They need to respect the emom's time with her child post birth. Emom's need to be fully aware that they child they are carring is THEIRS. They must seek councelling and evaluate all options before AND after birth. I don't think there's one answer to the question. As stated above every situation is different. Life is full of opportunities to learn and grow. Respect for one another is a must - as Brandy stated - be adults! Don't let my situation scary you from pre-matching though. I do find it can be a good thing.

Thank you for sharing your story, Rondi. I totally respect your decision. Even though our agency did crummy counseling, I really did respect DD's birth mom's decisions...I remember telling her that DD was not ours until the papers were signed and that sincerely we would respect any decision she made. But I do know, like you said, DD's birth mom may have factored in "hurting us" in her ultimate decisionmaking and that's tough. When I talked to her today, she told me something she never had before. And that was that the hospital was terrible to her after she gave birth to DD and that they kept coming in and trying to take DD to another room. That made me so angry and also really angry that our agency was not around to try to make sure things like that didn't happen. And I feel "guilty" that that happened because the nurses saw DH and I at the hospital, etc. (at DD's birth mom's request) and I wonder if that factored in.

lovejax-my thought to you would be to try and not think of the "what if" part. But to fully work on an awesome open adoption relationship. Could it have been a factor...yeah MAYBE, BUT that can't be changed now. BUT you can enjoy the wonderful experience of open adopton. Hearing that your DD's birthmother was treated badly hurts me too. The fact that you feel hurt, shows us all you have true feelings towards her too. Hospital staff really could be educated more as well. I think if someone is going to work in a birthing center they should almost go through an unbiased education session on adoption. I felt the RNs disliked me big time as well. They didn't view me as "mother" I was just someone giving away her child. My agency didn't make ny contact with me either, until I hd to sign the dischrge papers. Where are these people when we REALLY needed them to speak for us? Hang in there and look towards the future, try not to dwell on the past. (A lesson I could use too!)

Thank you, Rondi! I really appreciate it.

For me, pre-birth matching was good and bad. We got to know each other really well, but in the end I felt very obligated to place. I didn't want to hurt them. But I am glad we were able to spend that time together.

With our twins, our biomom wanted us there for everything, ultrasound, heartbeat, doctors appt and there when they were taken by c-section. I value the relationship we developed over that time. In my opinion, had we not wanted that kind of relationship, she wouldn't have chosen us. In our second adoption, our daughter's biomom wanted to meet us once to give us the ultrasound picture and chat really. Other than that, she didn't want to see us until the hospital. At the hospital, we did see her, at her request, quite a bit. She wanted to see and hold the baby but came to get me first each time. I'm not sure if she felt she "owed" us the baby but I do feel if we hadn't been there to spend the night and feed her each feeding, I don't think she would have placed with us. I know she asked the nurses and our caseworker if we stayed and took care of her and then came to see us herself. I will say, we did meet and develop a relationship with a birthmother who chose us to place her baby and she changed her mind 2 weeks prior to delivery. It was hard because you rethink every conversation and what you might have said wrong, but truth is, with her, she decided to parent and we wished her the best. But it really was very hard to get over. Having said this, I don't think I would have done it any differently either time. We have two very special stories to tell our children. Although, I completely understand adoptive couples who choose not to meet the biomom prior. We had some friends who begged us (they adopted and had a failed placement after 7 days) to allow the babies to go to the interim care parents for the waiting period. We felt that was a time we wanted to bond with our babies and if she changed her mind, then it was a time we were allowed to have with them. Hope that doesn't sound silly, but that's how we felt. We felt led through it all.

Gosh, I hadn't thought about that, but that happened with our twins biomom. She was wonderful to us but the staff acted like she didn't exist once they were born. They came to us to ask about circumcision and such, I had to reply that it was legally her decision until the papers were signed. She was great about it though, she told us that the hospital had a history of being that way with birthmothers. Our agency caseworker was pretty slack then. For our second adoption, our biomom sort of brought it all on her self. The staff barely spoke to her and were a bit rude but to be honest, she was rude to them a couple of times in my presence. Also, after the baby was born, she was caught doing illegal drugs at the hospital. I don't know that she would have received the same treatment had that and a LOT more happened with her while there (not involving us or the baby). I just hadn't thought about our presence at the hospital causing anyone to treat her badly. That makes me feel terrible really. But it was both of our biomoms who asked us to be there. Honestly, in the beginning, for our second adoption, the staff was sort of rude to me too in the beginning. Maybe, they were just rude in general, not sure.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have to say that it was up to our children's biomoms for us to be there. It was up to our boys mother not to hold them and refer to them as ours from the start, we never did that at the hospital and never breathed easily until the waiting period was over. In our second adoption, they gave 2 bracelets, one for her and one for me to come and go to see, hold, feed the baby but she never went to her without me. I really don't know if she thought I didn't want her to or what, but she asked me each time and asked me to go with her. I feel very bad about that. I wonder if she might have decided to parent if we hadn't been there but she says she did the right thing.