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Last year I had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to give the child up for an open adoption to a family that i spoke with. I did all of the process pretty much on my own with the help of my agency and a few friends but none from my family.
I got a family the day before I gave birth and all seemed to be going well. I signed the papers a couple of days later and well things started to get a little uneasy.
I was very keen on having the adoptive family invovled with as much of the birth process as possible and was so happy that I had found a family.
I had chosen an open adoption because I could not take the fact of not knowing what was going on with the child I gave birth to. I filled out all the appropraite paperwork to have as much contact with the child as I possibly could through the agency.
Then me and the adoptive family decided through verbal agreements that we would have more cantact than that and that I would be refered to as my child's mother until my child decided whether or not she wanted to call me mother or by my first name.
I was completely okay with everything until the past few emails I got from the adoptive mother. She now uses the nickname I had for my daughter and thinks that she wants to use the disney theme that I picked out, so that my daughter would know things that I got her, for a new theme to the nursery. She is using the same disney theme for her first bday party.
The adoptive mother thinks that it is hard for me the refer to the child I had as my daughter and that she is now the child's mother instead of mom like we all argeed on.
I am not to sure on how to approach this because both the adoptive mother and I love the child dearly and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize contact with the child(my daughter)
I also don't know if by me refering to her as my child or daughter is wrong because she technacially is my daughter because I gave birth to her.
It just seems as if the adoptive mother is going back on what we argeed on in the beginning and trying to push me away from the child or make it extemely hard for me to have any connection with the child at all except for biologically.
If some of the birthmothers and adoptive parents could help me out I would really apprecaite it because I am not sure on how to proceed with out making the situation worse and I want to be able to still be invovled in the child's life.
Should I step back and let it go or approach the situation and explain how I feel about everything.
Should I give up titles like mother, my daughter, and the nicknames that I have for her.
I just don't know some one please help any advice that will help me deal with this is greatly appreciated.
thank you
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Tiger: I think I know where you are coming from (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). Your point is you and a-mom agreed on things prior to birth and then suddenly, it's after the fact and the things you agreed on are being changed. Some can argue where or who the title of mom belongs, but as you see it, you agreed to be called yellow and the a mom was OK, now her a-mom wants to be called yellow too. And you wonder if these things are changing, who's to say that everything wont change, and if you don't address it now, does it set a precedent for the remainder of the childs life? I understand that concern to want to address it now, early on. I would communicate that to her as best as you can. I agree she may just see certain things (ie: the nickname) as honoring you and not infringing on you. Relationships are give and take, my advice tho is to pick the battles that are important to you. If you begin to nit pick on every decision she makes, she may begin to see that as co-parenting and begin to resent the relationship. (Not that you're doing that, but just remember that sometimes you have to concede certain things for the greater good of the relationship) And I have a semi-open adoption that my family does not know about yet, so I understand that aspect of it. I wish you luck on your journey (((hugs)))
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Hi Tiger, I'm the Thanksgivingmom that Kathy mentioned in her previous post. I am in an open adoption with my daughters Mom and my family do not know I had a child, for it sounds like largely the same reasons as your secrecy: I do not believe that my parents would support my decision to place. I certainly know how the secrecy can complicate things...I also can really understand your concerns about your childs Mom changing things that you had discussed before the adoption took place. Whether or not they are her parenting decisions to make (birthday parties, etc.) is not the point if I'm reading this correctly. Yes, they are her parenting decisions to make, no one can argue that, but it can be very hurtful to have things changed and know that there is nothing really that you can do about it.I think Brown gave some great advice - address the issues that are of importance to you, and unfortunately, realize that we have to let go of some things (if for no other reason than that they will drive us crazy if we don't.)Best of luck to you!
loveajax
Whitetiger, did you agree that the baby would call you "mother" and her "mom"? I guess I could see myself still "referring" to myself as a mother (I am an amom) in conversations. (sorry, I'm confused).
The nursery, it is her house, you can't do much about it. I know that sucks, trust me I do, but work on letting that one go... even if it takes five years.
Thanksgivingmom,
That is what I want to try and explian to her without hurting her feelings. That although all of the paretning calls are hers to make. Some of the things she is doing is hurting my feeling and that it is not exactly the easiest thing for me to deal with either. But I don't wnat to come across like this is all about me or that I don't car how she feels. I don't know I guess will figure out a way.
Thanks for the advice it's comforting to have someone esle with some of the same reasons for OA as me.
I hope your relationship with your amom and child is okay and I wish you the best of luck with everything you do.
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WhiteTiger07, I have been in an OA and my bchild is 17 and trust me they will grow up to know who you are without the need for the mother title. I have always been called by my first name which is what we all wanted at the beginning but bchld knows I am her bmother. I would focus more on what you do with your bchild on visit. ie getting down on the floor and playing with her/him every time you get a visit, as bchild gets older send little cards, stickers, photos etc stuff that they will remember in the long term rather than worrying about details with the aparents. My bchild's parents are THE PARENTS, there is no confusion after years of visits etc over that role and during the teenaged years I can see, feel that even more so. It's tough to accept but adoption is forever. The aparents are the parents forever and we bparents just have to accept and live with that and pray that the aparents are loving and do their best. In my situation that is what has happened and I am grateful for that...I don't stress over the little things anymore. BTW it is tough I think for the first 3-5 years in an OA for both sides to settle in to their rrelationship with each other. My only advice is to focus on our bchild. Also I hear other people picking up and using the nicknames I have for my kept children.
"I got a family the day before I gave birth and all seemed to be going well. I signed the papers a couple of days later and well things started to get a little uneasy." Am I reading that you only had contact with the family one day before birth? If so, then there may be a great many areas that you need to talk about. Unless you have some written agreements what you think you both agreed to and what they think you both agreed to may be very different things! As an a-mother, I would say that I hold the title of Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama, etc. depending on my child's need and mood. When she refers to the "other mother" it is Birthmom or Savadoran Mom or Mama CeeCee -- but not the "M-word".
The more I think about it, the less I can see how it could work to use 'mother' for one mother and 'mom' for the other. It would be like the old Abbot and Costello Who's on First What's on Second: 'Is your mother picking you up today?' 'No' 'Is your dad picking you up?' 'No, my mom's picking me up.' 'Okay, stay here with the three-yr-old-class until your mother gets here' 'My mother isn't coming' 'Didn't you say your mom was picking you up?' 'Yes'
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Howdy,
I don't think this is so much about what people are called but the fact that promises were made that aren't being kept. That hurts, I think every person in the world can identify with that. If we don't want something to be one way we shouldn't say it will be that way.
Whitetiger,
I know what crappy position you are in. How to say things nicely and still get your point across.... I'm going to think on it some more tonight at work!
I think what happens is that everyone thinks it will be a certain way and that they will be able to handle things that way and they agree to it and then REALITY HITS HARD and suddenly amother is maybe thinking - I don't want her to be called mother or she decided that decorating the baby's room in a style you like would be nice for everyone - esp for the bmother - who knows what is going on in people's heads? But I have to say I had expectations and needs and wants and I thought things would go certain ways and it's been nothing like that and THEN you have to factor in bchild and what SHE wants and will decide. She may call you a totally different name than what you expect. I try to think what it would be like to be an AP and I just can't imagine what would be like having to consider an bmother Or being adopted and having to consider bfamily and afamily...Welcome to probably the most difficult emotinal relationship in your life where there are no guidelines and the goalposts frequently change and things are very much outside of your control...
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In my situation our son is refered to as OURS. I brought him into this world, but they're raised him. He's 11 now, but they've raised him from a young age to know that he had a bigger family that most children and was extremley lucky to have so many people that love him. Since they were telling him all of this at a fairly young age, they refer to me as his tummy mommy.
I would agree with other posters that if you want to have this open adoption then you need to be open with all of your emotions. I strongly beleive that is what the amom would want from you as well. If you don't tell her how you're feeling about this it will continue to snowball into bigger things. Don't delay in addressing it with her!
