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It's been a while since I've really posted on my own situation, but I could sure use some input from all my wise friends here :) A quick update for those who don't know, I'm a birthmother in an open adoption that I closed and as of two years ago is back to semi open. I exchange e-mails and pics with my DD's a-mom but I don't have any contact with my DD, and as far as I know, she only found out a few months ago that I correspond with her mom and that was accidental. (she is a teenager) Reopening things have been rough going, while her a-mom is well intentioned (I think ) she doesn't respond to messages all the time, falls short on promises, and is busy often, but when she does respond she is kind, but doesn't answer a lot of questions. She has decided to leave the ball in DD's court in terms of when to initiate contact, and while DD is curious, she has told her mom she is afraid of hurting her, and isn't ready. DD's birthday is coming up and it's been rougher this year more so than any other. This is the first year that DD is aware that I am around so to speak, and it's hard to not be able to acknowledge the day. I'll write her mom and I'll write in her journal, but I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in, allowed to look but not touch, KWIM? A friend of mine who is an a-mom (very wise woman ;) ) asked if asked to send a card to DD to her a-mom, if I thought it would be given to DD so she knows I remembered her birthday and I am thinking of her. I'm scared to do that tho. I don't think that her mom will give it to her, she'll probably hold it until she asks, but I don't think my DD will ever be able to feel comfortable asking. Her birthfather to my knowledge has contacted her directly a few times with her moms knowledge (this I learned from her mom herself) but I've always been afraid to push the issue since I feel it's been strongly discouraged. I'm a little confused as to what I should do. I'm not asking for contact, but since this is the first year I can theoretically wish her a happy birthday without being a secret, I feel like I should try. Any input would be helpful. I'm really on the fence about it.
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Brown - As you know, I have ZERO experience with this sort of thing so take that as my disclaimer ;)
Sometimes I feel it's time to stand up and be counted - Sending a birthday card is pretty benign and if you are worried her parents might read more into it, well, I don't know. If I were reading a post from an amom describing this situation, I might tell her not to worry about it and ASK her DD if she wanted the card.
So, I would send the card. Your DD knows you are in touch with her Mom so she may be hurt if you didn't "remember". Besides, will the bdad send one? If yes, I would definately send one from the very little I know of your situation (I may be misunderstanding too).
If her mom doesn't give the card to your DD, or doesn't even ask her, well, then it's on her mom - not on you. As you know secrecy always tends to come back & bite people but you can't control that.
You can always put the card in the mailbox, the email your DD's mom - beg forgiveness vrs. asking for permission. She can intercept it if she wants...
Tough decision...
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I agree Oceans, I do need to stand up and be counted, that is where this is coming from. I feel as if I'm a spectator in this adoption and I'm not. I understand fully the not wanting contact, but had I not confronted a-mom with the fact that I found out she was on one of my webpages, the conversation that she knew we were communicating wouldn't have happened. I've been the one kind of "driving" any progress in the relationship, so I do feel if I left it alone, it would never move beyond what it is now. I am afraid that DD would think I don't remember, and that's the last thing I want. I can hope that she will look for something, I can hope that her mom will pass on my e-mail, but I don't think that will happen. I don't know if her birthfather even knows the exact date of her birthday, but I know he's had direct contact, both with and without her mom's initial knowledge, so it's hard to say if he'll acknowledge it. But if she's allowed him, I wonder if she would allow me. I have to ask her first because I believe they have moved and I don't know the mailing address. I'm ust afrid it will be perceived as pushing or not respecting a boundary. That's where I get gunshy. Thanks for your response :)
totally unexpert opinion/idea... My thought would be to send it addressed to her mom on the outside, and on the inside a note saying that you wanted DD to know that you remembered and so even if amom wants to hold on to it for the time being, DD will know someday that you remembered, this day, this year. On the chance that amom, for whatever reason, is disouraging things on her end (which I really hope isn't the case, for a number of reasons), it might give her something to think about that she will have to answer to DD at some point about why things weren't passed on at the time. If she's not and DD truly does not want contact, no harm done because it didn't go directly to DD and her amom has it in keeping, and when the day comes that she does want to know, she'll have things to see of how you've been thinking of her all this time. It might be that amom needs convincing that you're here to stay and aren't going to fade into the twilight again before she really lets you back in. She may fear the effect on DD if you re-enter and re-disappear (I know this is not the case with you, I'm just trying to simulate the view from the other side). It also might be that she thoroughly adjusted to the adoption being closed and it's just going to take some time for her to get back to really seeing your situation as an active open adoption. And it also just might not be the right time for DD. I only have my own experience and I know that for J, it was not the right time for a long time...and then suddenly it was. I wish there was a cosmic answer book where we could get these answers. As you can see, I'm just complicating things more by ridiculously overthinking it. Ugh. Honestly, I just hope that you can be having direct communication with your daughter again soon. And I really respect how much you are trying to be respectful in a situation that is at best frustrating and at worst infuriating (for reasons not included here). ((((HUGS))))
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Thanks Love. As I said, you are very wise ;) And I too have a niece turning 16, and we were talking about cars the last time we saw eachother and how she wanted to get a job to get this truck that was out of MY price range to buy even used, LOL! I left there and told my hubby and he's like "STOP! I do not want to talk about K driving!" He still wants to think she's the 5 year old that ran to greet him at the door everyday (I understand that!) Heidi: I think of you and your perspective often, because I met you at when we were at polar opposites of the similar situations. Don't worry, I need someone to help me overthink to come up with another scenario to add to the five million I've already come up with :arrow: But I remember J and his feelings both in the beginning and how he came around, and I remember you and your feelings and how you supported him and how I hope that in my situation, my DD's receiving the same support! You mentioned how DD's mom still may need time to adjust to the adoption being open, and I have recently realized that part of the issue here is that I don't know if she really knows what OA entails. She has made some references before that lead me to believe she views OA as more of a joint custody scenario. I don't know if she's ever had the experience, or if she's familiar with adoption issues. I was going to address that in a conversation so that she knows that my idea of contact right now isn't much different than the relationship I have with her (e-mails, pix) but alas, she didn't follow through. I'm not looking to establish contact with DD or push beyond what she is ready for. But I do want it known that I remember, and tho I'm in the background, I'm still there, and I'll always be there! I've pretty much decided to do it! Now I just need the courage! Thanks (((HUGS)))
Of course this is just my $.02. If DD has said she isn't ready then she probably isn't, if you can trust what her mom tells you. At that age that is probably pretty accurate. My daughter still struggles with all this at 19. I don't know if you'd be sending the card for her or for yourself. Maybe you should ask yourself that first before sending the card. If she knows you are in touch with her mom she will know you are thinking of her on her birthday same as she will be thinking of you. She be 18 soon enough and she'll have had this time to process the information. Also, she will know when she turned 18 that you respected that she wasn't ready to hear from you. She'll have all the puzzle pieces then.Be careful of putting amom in a position that might cause conflict, such as withholding the card might do. Any feelings of conflict dd may feel upon your entering her world may cause her to push you away. She'll side with her mom that raised her and you could lose favor. I hope this didn't muddy the waters even more.
browneyes0707
One thing I learned in my reunion (grown up bson) was for me to stay out of the negative thinking..
Its early days.. and I think of the line.. if you love someone set them free..
If your birthdaughter is confused.. give her space and time.. That is my suggestion..
But then I may be totally wrong..
Jackie
A friend of mine who is an a-mom (very wise woman ) asked if asked to send a card to DD to her a-mom, if I thought it would be given to DD so she knows I remembered her birthday and I am thinking of her. I'm scared to do that tho. I don't think that her mom will give it to her, she'll probably hold it until she asks, but I don't think my DD will ever be able to feel comfortable asking..
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