How do spouses deal with reunion?

Dear Bob, First, congratulations on your upcoming contact with your birth mother. There are occasional threads on here written by spouses, some of whom seem more interested than the adoptee in discovering the heritage of their spouse. Others seem to feel that their spouse should be content with the family they have. There are responses all along the continuum. How is your wife dealing with your "obsession"? I have to say that my bson's wife has been very supportive for him, and that we (she and I) have a very comfortable relationship. For our first f2f, D and his family came to my home. D said he began to hyperventilate the last couple miles and couldn't get out of the car when they first arrived. (I began to think they weren't coming in!) We are now almost 2 1/2 years into our "reunion" and we continue to get to know one another. They have accepted me into their family and invite me and my family (including his 2 half-siblings) to many family gatherings. I hope for you that you have a succesful reunion with your birth mother. What are your hopes?

I am hoping to at the very least have her acknowledge me as her son. I have sent a couple of letters in December and January, and a valentine's day card. So far no response, but I understand she's going through a lot for a woman of 78. I just feel it's up to me to prod this along gently.It's been hard for my wife to deal with, my search and the emotional changes I'm going through. And my adult children have also not understood this; they think I'm trying to leave their family, which is probably a reflection of how my wife felt. I think she's doing better now, but they all kind of wish I would just ignore the whole thing and go back to being the dad they knew.

I'm sure it's difficult for your family. There are some books about adoption that it might help your family to understand. I can never quite remember the titles... (obviously I haven't read them, lol) One is The Primal Wound which is about the issues that adoptees face being removed from their families of origin. My personal opinion is that searching for birth family or adoptee is not about leaving your family. It's about becoming a whole person. It has always been my hope that reunion will enrich all our lives. Your birth mom is my father's age. That was a period of time when women who had children "out of wedlock" (I'm assuming this is the case for you, I may of course be wrong.) were forced by society (and family) to bury to pain and loss so deeply that they can never acknowledge it. I hope that your birth mother can find reunion with you to be healing. The problem, of course, is that going back to the dad your adult children knew (how old are they?) is not possible. In a way, the genie is out of the bottle and can never be pushed back in. (Any more than a birth mother can ever completely convince herself that she never relinquished a child for adoption.) I encourage you to keep reading the forums... both adult adoptees and birth parents. Feel free to pm (or im or email) me any time. Are your adoptive parents still alive?

No, Mom died in 1991 and Dad died in 2001. I first tried to search in 1987, and had to fly to Arizona for their permission - it was a scene very much like Tim Green's in A Man and His Mother. They were supportive, though it was obviously distressing to them. But they understood the need for medical information so that I and their grandchildren would benefit.Yes, Dorothy was unwed. She lived with her sister until close to delivery, I believe, so she was spared some of the horrors of a Catholic home for unwed mothers; she was raised Methodist, so perhaps the nuns couldn't lay too much guilt upon her. Her parents were unaware at the time of the birth, as they were out of state. She did marry and have two children a few years after me, though her husband died in 1994 and she now lives alone; her other son lives in Florida and my sister may be in the Kansas City area where Dorothy and I both live. I am assuming none of them knew of me, and that may be one reason why she has not responded. I would take my sister's advice and give her lots of time (it took her a year to respond to her surrendered daughter's initial contact) but in this case, I don't want to read Dorothy's obituary in the paper next summer and kick myself for not making an attempt sooner - age is a factor here, I feel.I don't think I'll have issues with loyalty to my adoptive parents - I waited until they were gone to resume my search after the initial effort foundered on Missouri law. But I do wish they were still here for this - I would like to have their support, and I also wish Dorothy had an opportunity to meet them. I really believe one of my motives for reunion is to give Dorothy forgiveness and thank her for doing what she did for me; I did get a great family to grow up in. I worry that she may have suffered from this, and I want her to know I don't feel she had anything to be ashamed of. I guess I would like to ease any fears or guilt she might still bear - and I told her that in my letters.

Definitely read PRIMAL WOUND. I just reunited with my birthmother last week and that book helped so much. It explained so many feelings I would be feeling. Good luck with your reunion. Take lots of deep breaths. This is one of those times in your life where even though family members might think you are in lala land and neglecting them, you are entitled to concentrate on your reunion. God Bless

D28Bob I believe we have to have a lot of human strength when we turn around and deal with the emotions of our past.. From your posts you write that she has reunited with a birthdaughter? If this is true then she has done some processing.. some working at what had happened in the past.. but who knows what has gone on in her mind.. is she still in the guilt.. who knows.. The guilt that I know is unjustified.. but if a person does not speak about what happened (the secrecy factor) then how can a person process and acknowledge that the guilt is unfounded.. Yesterday I did some research on forgiveness.. and in my google search I kept reading about giving yourself a gift of forgiveness.. I think I (I relinquished in 1965 and am 65 years old) have forgiven myself.. But I did a lot of work on learning how to do it including going to Alanon.. Its who you are.. You are a person that was relinquished at birth.. you are a person that was relinquished in secrecy.. In Alanon a person would learn that we can not change the alcoholic.. or addict.. we can only work on ourselves.. and learn how to cope with what is happening.. Searching and coming to terms with our lives is emotional draining.. it takes us away from our loved ones.. And it is incredibly difficult.. and if we are emotionally codependent on our loved ones.. then the shifts are hard to navigate.. But this learning is good.. we need not be enmeshed with our mates our loved ones.. we can act independently.. we need to act independently.. John Bradshaw (author of adult children of alcoholic recovery books) said there are stages in an intimate relationship.. and the last stage is individuation.. Protecting the privacy and emotional well being of the loved one.. I was born in 1942 and from what I read you were born in 1949.. so maybe its time to learn about this.. I have this with my husband now.. I give him is space and I allow him is freedom and I protect that for him.. his individuation.. Its all lessons to me.. and life journeys.. Your journey right now is to finding the why of it.. She your birthmom may be frightened.. and I am sure you will back off if she tells you to.. All the best.. Jackie

Oh, I remember my search and reunion. I drove to the library every day (we didn't have a computer) It was all I could think about, talk about, dream about. My dear husband was very, very patient. He knew that I had been "searching" all of my life and that I really needed to "KNOW". He even went on little searching adventures with me. He flew out to Seattle for my reunion and bonded with my siblings! Reunion is a very, very emotional time. I remember thinking I was ready - no "hidden" emotions here. Ha! Was I wrong! There were ups and downs and overs and outs to be dealt with. And I truly believe that only another adoptee can really understand. Maybe talking candidly with your spouse - women love to discuss feelings even though I know it may be hard for some men. Be open, be honest and include her too. Has she read any of the posts on this site? Sometimes that gives an insight too. As for your kids - mine thought I was trying to replace their beloved grandparents but once they realized that that in no way was going to happen - they really enjoyed meeting their "new" relatives too. Happiness always... Snuffie

You hit one of the issues for my children on the head - they remember their grandparents fondly and don't wish to disturb those memories. Nor do I - I had a profound grief attack recently wishing they were still alive, both for their support and that we all could meet, birth and nurturing parents both. I have been much calmer this week as my deadline approaches. I think it has to do with moving out of ambivelance, whether or when to call, to a decision. I am adult ADHD, so my obsession last fall with my search was very distressing to my wife; emotionally, she thought I was abandoning her for this "mystery mother." In reality, it probably is a result of the insecurity that she feels, married to an adoptee who is always emotionally reserved as we tend to be. But we're staying aware of the issues through counseling. It does seem to me when I meet other adoptees and birth mothers in Triad groups and online, that a single marriage of 35 years is the exception; divorces and failed relationships are quite common among my acquaintances. I know adoptees appear in therapy about ten times their percentage of the general population; are there any statistical surveys of our marital histories? Thanks for the insights. Bob

An interesting question. I celebrate 35 years with my "first" husband this year and sometimes my husband jokes that we've obviously done our children a disservice by staying married to the same person all their lives, since so many of their friends have several step-fathers and step-mothers to choose from. I've never seen statistics on marriage linked to adoption however. It would certainly be a good topic for a research paper, or even a doctoral dissertation. My son's parents are still alive and I think his mom's concern was that he would replace them with me and my family. Two years down the road that has not happened and I think she has become more comfortable with my presence in their lives. It is a journey... I love to watch D's parents with his children (his are very young at this point... except for a 12 year old stepson). I hope your birthmom answers soon. Both your lives can be enriched so much. (As an aside, my mom has been dead for 12 years and I still miss her. I wish she could have met D. She was always hurt by his not being in our lives.)

Wow, another adoptee who has been married over 30 years! My husband and I have been married for 37. We went to a high school reunion where the norm was to be on the 2nd or 3rd wife or husband. Guess we are a unique phenomenon! Anyway, my question is is why should reuniting with your bfamily take anything away from your kids (or yours) memories of your adoptive parents? I have been reunited with my bfamily for over 7 years and it hasn't changed the memories I have of my life before reunion nor the memories my children have of their beloved grandparents. We all still miss them very, very much. Adding "new" people in our lives to love doesn't mean we need to sweep out the "old" ones. My kids (adults) have enjoyed meeting their birth uncles and aunts very much. And have enjoyed hearing about their new family tree because after all the branches belong to them too. Snuffie

I know that in MY search so far, that i've had to SERIOUSLY rely on my wonderful husband for emotional support sometimes.I don't mean to offend anyone, but in my personal belief, when you marry someone, you are to cleave or emotionally bond with that person so that you are now one and not two. Me and my husband will still argue, or disagree, or even not talk for a few minutes. But we both know that we'll eventually have to talk about it or it'll eat at us. So we do. And it gets better. This belief come from Genisis 2:24. Read it with your spouse and talk about how it impacts your life concerning adoption. Talk to your spouse about the fears, anxiaties, hopes, dreams, wishes, wonders, etc that you've had. Share everything. In return, your spouse will share with you and your marriage and way of dealing with additional problems later will be easier to handle. I know. Im the adoptee who has tried to "fit in" at school and be top of the class and in every sport or club know to man. I still felt left out. I would go cheer at a game and my aparents would be sitting in the crowd and i'd see the other parents of the other girls in the stands and i'd think "wow, whitney & lisa sure look like their mom or dad". "I wish i did too". I had dreams of meeting my bmom even as a child. There are so many things i had to share with my husband, that to not do so, was killing me slowly. He doesn't quite grasp the depth of my emotions, cause he's not adopted, but he understands and helps me as much as he possible can. I've been so blessed to have him as my husband and best friend. We're going through another "waiting" stage now though. I've opened all my closed adoption records and know everything, but since i live in TN, they have to contact the birth family in case they don't want contact. There were two adoptees ahead of me to have their bfamily searched for, so i'm looking at a month or more before they even BEGIN my search. Needless to say I keep checking the mailbox every day to see if they've sent me a letter telling me they've started. I'm SO anxious, but having someone there to share it with helps SO much! I don't have to do this alone. And THAT is DEFINATELY a blessing too! I wish you all the luck and prayers i can give! May God guide you and make the way possible to have a wonderful reunion! Praying for a great reunion for everyone, SUMMER/LEAH