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In our eleven year Relationship, I have always felt that I didn't know my boyfriend, (now Fiancee). He knew nothing Biological about himself, until last year, so naturally I didn't know anything about him either. I used to think to myself, "I don't know this person," But I have always loved him just the same.
I helped a great deal within his Research for his biological family and was just as excited as he, during the entire search. I must admit though, a sense of relief came across myself, when we were learning about his Biological self and finding his family. I then felt like I knew who he really was and therefore our relationship became much stronger and much closer.
Having a Relationship with an Adoptee, "Has anyone who's not adopted, felt that the partner in your relationship, who was adopted," that you didn't really know them?" Has anyone else felt this way in their relationship with an Adoptee?"
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In my situation, I realize that I could not know him if he does not know himself. Not through any fault of his own, but by circumstance. He is fortunate enough to know about half of his story, however it doesn't change the effects of being relinquished. I believe it has a huge impact on him not knowing anything about the bio father. It has left him bitter and struggling with faith.
He was also an acting out. The family walked on eggshells all his life. I only figured it out after I left, when the projection identification became too much for me to handle (I didn't know what it was at the time).
I believe he finds it easier to cast blame outward toward humanity and anyone who tries to get close, rather than face feelings that come with a price: his own acceptance of his circumstances and taking responsibility for the consequences of his behavior.
It is an irony that the same humanity he finds contempt for he is a part of, and therefore he holds himself in contempt and feels unworthiness in himself. So, if he cannot get past some of these issues in his own life to really explore and come to know, accept and love his real self, how can anyone else hope to know that real self that he denies?
This is my experience, anyway. We are all different in many similar ways.
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I have been with dh for 15 years....i know him probably better than anyone. while I am ''sad'' in some ways that he does not have contact with his birth family, I don't think this keeps me from ''knowing'' him quite intimately...I will be honest...i ''encouraged'' dh to search....his birth mom apparently does not want any contact....i sometimes feel bad that I ''pushed'' though I am glad dh made the attempt...i just say this to encourage you to realize it is about him and his needs and you can really just be a source of support....good luck!!
It sounds like you have formed the base of a good, mutually supportive relationship. You are blessed! Unfortunately, we had not done that. I didn't learn until it was too late why he and I didn't connect the way two people in a relationship should. Despite his adoptee issues, I realize now that there were other things standing in our way that he needs to resolve in his heart and soul. I loved being there for him and supporting him in the ways he felt he hadn't had before, but I also kept getting shut out.
I think that poem I read on here about The Mask said it all. That was the person I lived with and loved, without knowing what he was living with inside himself. And I got fooled by his mask. Now, he just feels abandoned all over again. Or does he just choose to see it that way? There is so much heartbreaking confusion in this condition!
I just keep praying he finds a way to accept God into his life so that he can begin the path to healing and understanding how his behavior causes pain in others and how he causes his own sabotage. I love the man, but I cannot live with and accept the behaviors. I also cannot change those things. He has to want to and take the necessary steps himself. And in doing so, I pray for a happy ending to my story!