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Originally Posted By Debbie SmithHello this is my first time at trying to adopt and I just wanted to share what happened to my husband and myself and see if this a common thing or just a bad situation all around.....here is my story.......a single mother came to my husband and myself and asked if we were interested in adopting her unborn child and well of course we jumped at the chance to be parents..so we hired an attorney we were paying for her attorney..I was to go into the delivery room and no one else.. but when it came to that time i didnt get called until 5 minutes before the baby was born then the birth mother handed the baby to me and said here she is please take good care of her.... Then I was asked what her name was going to be and who her doctor was going to be.... We took photo's with her and the grandparents (ours) were there and took picture's after 2 hours we were told to leave by social workers that the birth mother was confussed and they would let us know in the morning what she has decided. Well you guessed it she kept the baby and My world has been crushed and I'am having a really bad time adjusting.. if anyone has any advise for me I will greatly appreciate it..also she is 21 and this was her 4th child and she told us that she couldnt afford the baby and that it would be better off with us and that she didnt want to be on welfare anymore.........Thank you very much Debbie
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Originally Posted By leslieHi debbie,The same thing happen to us but we saw the baby born We got to hold her and name her there on the spot. We didn't stay to long so they could have there space. But the next day we didn't go up until late afternoon. Well still everything was ok but the next morning when we were suppose to get the baby from the hostipal the cw call and said to wait the the bf was giving the bm a hard time. They ended up taking the baby with them. My heart fell and my leggs gave out and I fell to the floor. I cry for days on end . This person also had a son too. Well It took 19 days before we got our dd . The bf did just what the bm new he would do . Left after a few days and didn't come back to see baby . He like being father but didn't like the support part of it. So we did get our dd but, it was very rough. There is a baby out there for you just keep praying Thats what I did. Hang in there. I know what it is like to be so close and yet so far away. We just have started the adoption search again. I am very scared but we do have and open adoption and we get along with dd bith mother very well.I hope to have another open adoption soon. I will just keep praying for your next baby if it is god's will it will happen.
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It might help to ease your pain once you consider the birthparents feelings in this situation. Adoption may work out for you in the future. Surely you were advised that the bmom may change her mind and that you had no legal right to the baby until after the papers were signed after the baby was born. Your "loss" pails in significance to that of birthmothers permanently losing their own child. Apparently this was too much for this woman and she could not bare to leave her child that she carried for so long. You knew this child for a day. She knew this child for its whole life. Maybe you should seek some couseling in regards to the realities, risks and possiblities of the adoption process. There are no guarantees and the birthparents choosing to raise the child may also be a good thing for the baby.
Originally Posted By Shannon (Tyler'sBmom8-31-2000)Any pain in the adoption process is very real. That includes the pain felt by aparents when bparents change their mind. It is different but by no means is it any less significant. Whether aparents are told that the bmoms can change their mind or not it doesn't take away the hurt these people feel when bparents do change their mind. No matter what your involvement in adoption is you have to always remember their are more people than just yourself involved. When I talk with other women who are thinking about placing their babies I always tell them first and foremost BE SURE of yourself and your decision BEFORE you get any potential aparents involved. I refused to get anyone else besides the social worker at the agency involved until I knew I was sure of my decision and would not back out of it.
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Originally Posted By NicksterMommyWhat a considerate woman you are!! At my agency, they wait until the Bmom feels reasonably certain that she will go through w/the adoption before they notify the Aparents. So, the Aparents could have a "match" for weeks or even months w/o knowing it. As soon as Aparents hear that they have a match, the joy is absolutely amazing, and the pain of the adoption falling through is tough. I respect you for being real sure about your decision before putting somebody else through the ringer. I would think it takes some pressure off of you, also -- you don't have to think about anyone else's reaction if you change your mind.Our agency stressed that even the most certain Bmom can change her mind once she holds her baby in her arms. That's just a fact that Aparents have to face. It is good to know that there are women out there like you who look at all sides of the triad.
Originally Posted By To NicksterMommy from Tyler'sBmom8-31-2000You are very right that even the most certain bmoms can change their mind when they hold their baby in their arms. I knew this about myself ahead of time. It was for that reason I chose to look at, touch, and talk to Tyler when he was born, but not to hold him. I was well aware of the fact that if I held him there would be no way I could walk away from him. That wasn't something I was willing to put my bson through. I knew I had to walk away no matter what the cost to me emotionally it had to be done. I would hurt myself a thousand times over before I would ever do anything to hurt his aparents or him. And I will always do whatever I have to in order to protect his aparents too, after all they are the ones loving my bson. He needs them as much as they need him. My pain from not being with my bson every day is beyond words, but I prefer that as to having to watch my bson grow up with what I would have been able to give him. Have him suffer every day because I was too weak or too selfish to make the hard choices in life for him? No Way! I thought about all those things while I was pregnant and that is what made my drive to what I knew was best for him. If only I could change the world and make every woman who is pregnant under less than ideal conditions see this, but I can't. So I tell my story and thoughts one person at a time. Hoping that it will make a difference in at least one person's life. Much Love and Hugs to you and your family. If anyone ever wants or needs to, I can be reached at tylerbmom831@yahoo.com or you can leave a message on the message board of my homepage. There are also pics here if you just want to see Tyler. He is a gorgeous baby and I love showing off his pics. I am very proud of the choices I made for him.
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Originally Posted By dawni agreee, thank you for your post. i think adoptiveparents need to be counseled on birthmothers or something, it is sooooo hard to give up a baby.our feelings are not considered enough. some times it is the best thing for the birthparents to parent.it is hard work,but sooo worth it.i wish people would stop and think about where that baby came from. it didnt just suddenly appear. somewhere there is a grieving mother.