I want to give up my child but have concerns.
Hi I am pregnant and I want to give up my child but I am scared that even though I might not be an ideal mother that an adoptive parent might not be as well like I don't know the situation im about to give up my child too. I mean anyone can act and put on a show but i want to know that this is the right choice and right people. I don't want to abort for sure, I really don't have money for that. So my second question is well is this going to be expensive to find adoptive parents because I am really strongly considering our safe haven law it seems like it will be less hassle but yet i still want good parents for my child ahhh...hmmm? I am stuck. Oh...and can i be stuck for awhile? I am three months pregnant.
First, Welcome to the forums! You are in no hurry to make any decisions just yet. Have you been to the Dr.? That would be the first place to start, the second would be to find an unbiased person to talk to about researching your options, someone who has absolutely nothing to gain from whether you place or parent. You have decided against abortion, you are left with 2 options, parent or place. Please research both thoroughly, neither is an easy road. If you are concerned about being a single mom, look to find some single mom's who are successfully parenting. Look to Birth mom's who have placed, new birth mom's and birth mom's who are further in to their journey.

As for expense, there should be no expense to you to find adoptive parents for your child, if that is what you decide to do. We have a Safe Haven birth mom here on A.com, her screen name is "Thanksgivingmom", please find her and take a look at her posts, PM her, she is a wonderful person with alot of insight on Safe Haven.

As for the potential adoptive parents being who they say they are, they go through intense homestudies to adopt, yes there are horror stories but I think they are the minority and not the majority. Take your time, look at as many couples as you need to until you "feel" it and then make your decision. This is your baby and until you sign saying otherwise, it is your decision as to who, how, where and what. I have rambled alot here, I have tons more advice for you if you want to hear, Please PM me if I can help!

Best of luck and take your time! Research, research:grouphug:
Please educate yourself well before you decide on anything.
Once you have your baby you will not " want " to give your baby up.. You may feel like you " have to or you have no other choice" but it will not be like " you want " this for you or your baby.

Good luck.
Once you have your baby you will not " want " to give your baby up

I don't think anyone but the person going thru the experience will know what they will and will not want. There are a number of women who place and are perfectly at peace with that decision.

While I am not happy with the parents my daughter ultimately ended up with, I very much believe I made the right decision when I chose to place my daughter for adoption.

The bottom line, providing information so a woman can make an informed decision is the only way to ensure that a woman is not coerced into placing or parenting…and yes, both things DO happen.

As for finding the ‘right’ parents – to be totally honest with you…it’s a crap shoot. There are just as many bad adoptive parents as there are biological parents…(percentage wise) and there is no guarantee, regardless of what a homestudy, social worker or person says…things change…

Mental illness that occurs later in life.
Mid-Life Crisis that results in a total change in stability for the family

And yes, complete and total fabrication of who the couple really is, during the home study process (it happens…I’ve seen it (and been subjected to it)).

While all of those things above are scary and may freak you out – I think that, over all, the incidence of those things (divorce, mid-life crisis and mental illness) are the same (per-capita) that you’d see in biological families…

The saying is true…you can’t pick your parents…

Which makes it really hard – when you’re trying to pick your child’s parents.

My advice, do your research. Watch for warning signs. Keep an eye out for red flags. Do whatever you need to do to make you comfortable.

If I had it to do over again, I might have requested more in depth research into the mothers mental health background. I might have asked to see a copy of both of their resumes, to see what their job stability looked like. Most of all, I think I would have been more ‘in tune’ with the things going on around me…I think if I were, I might have been able to pick up on the little things that, now, seem so freakin obvious.

In adoption, you can’t promise your child the perfect life…you can just promise them a different one than they would have had with you.
Most important decision!!
What a hard decision! I don't know what is going through your head right now and can never imagine. My mom was only 15 when I was born so I can tell you that I understand the young parent part Smile It's crazy that my mom was pregnant so young and then now after being worried about getting pregnant too young, now cannot have a baby. That's why we are adopting.

There are so many people out there that will be happy to send you information about themselves if and when you make the decision to do adoption. It will not cost you anything to do so, I don't know about all agencies but I know that ours will even help with some of your expenses. Have you seen a doctor?

please let me know if there is anything you need. We are just starting out on the waiting for a baby wait, so I can help you with anything I have learned Smile

Welcome! I agree with Brandy - you won't know how you feel about the baby until you see that baby. You may regret your decision to place, or you may not. That's the risk you take.

Adoption.com is not a matching site, so please contact either myself or one of the other moderators if you receive pm's or emails from people from this site wanting to adopt your baby. Also know that it is against our rules for expectant parents to contact potential adoptive parents.
Glittergirl515 - I have a suggestion, if you don't mind...

When we were in the process of matching for our second adoption (which ultimately fell through because mom chose to parent), we tried to put her in touch with our twins' birthmom so she could get an idea of our parenting from someone who had already made the choice to place with us.

Of course, this won't work if you match with a family who doesn't yet have children, but it's an idea.

I wish you the best as you make this decision. I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through, but my prayers are definitely with you!
Glittergirl - As was mentioned earlier in this thread, I used Safe Haven to place my baby and can try to answer any questions you may have. I don't advocate for using Safe Haven, but am more than willing to share my experience. I had hidden my pregnancy as well as other factors that contributed to choosing SH as the path for me and my child. If financial reasons are the only reasons you would need to use Safe Haven, there are other resources that can help you.

You can be "stuck" on this decision for as long as you need. Placement is a decision that needs to be made so many times during the journey. YOu make the first decision, you research, you decide again, you think about it, you decide again....ultimately leading up to the final decision after your child is born and in your arms and you decide whether or not to sign TPR (termination of parental rights). You are NEVER required to place your child just because you've matched or selected a family or anything like that. You are Mom until you sign. Even after the birth you can take your time deciding to sign. Some states require a 3 day wait for example, but you MAY take longer.

You're only three months pregnant so you have a lot of time to think, to reasearch, and to reach out to others that have been wher eyou are. This is a great place to do that....please PM me if you would like. Best wishes.
What a great Mom!
In my process of learning more about adoption I have found how unselfish it is to choose to put your child up for adoption. It sounds like you want what is best for your child! If you believe their is a "Greater Being" I suggest confiding in him. I know at times you might not feel like he would listen, but he loves you as much as you love your baby and wants what is best! Like others have mentioned, research is a must! Be proud of yourself for being responsible enough to give your child a better life. Listen to your inner-self and trust in those feelings. You are a good person! Believe that there are good people out there as well. There is a saying I heard this last week- If we focus on our fears, they will come to pass. I suggest focusing on what you want for your baby, not what you don't want! Best of wishes! Thanks for your example and time!
Kazlynn said...
In my process of learning more about adoption I have found how unselfish it is to choose to put your child up for adoption. It sounds like you want what is best for your child!

The problem I have with the whole "choosing adoption is a selfless act'" line of thinking is that it implies that choosing to parent is selfish. Choosing to parent might be the best thing for your baby. Parenting requires a lifetime of selfless acts. As a parent, you are always putting your child's needs first. Please note I said needs not wants. Children need love, attention, guidance and someone they can look up to. They need food, shelter and clothing. Anything else is extras. You may have all you need for your baby to thrive.
Just a suggestion
I thought I might make a suggestion, I'm not sure if you have thought of it yet or not. You You could try to find an adoptive family online that you could pick yourself and get to know them long before you ever have your baby. You would then go through an attorney, if you so decided, to finalize and everything. Although this is not a site to look for adoptive parents, there are many many other sites out there.
I have heard a lot about the baby safe haven and it its a wonderful thing. I think you should weigh your options like many have already said and do what you feel is best. Also, I really liked what thanksgivingmom said "You are NEVER required to place your child just because you've matched or selected a family or anything like that." That is so true. Although it may hurt the adoptive parents, they know that if you change your mind, that is your right, as a mother to do so. Best wishes!
my response is don't do it! you will suffer pain,feeling of loss and seperation, regret, hatred, a number of terrible emotions and they never go away!!!! once it's final you can't take it back. you become non exsistant in that childs life. That child is givin a new life, a new family, a new identity. I know from experience. please think about it. your baby needs it's mother!
I just want to chime in and say that even if you do match or find a tentavive family you are intersted in that does NOT mean you OWE them YOUR baby. Before anyone else this is YOUR baby and YOU make the final decison. All too many times, I have heard emoms and bmoms say that they felt bad about letting the PAPs down. Better to let the PAPs down that to live a lifetime of pain and hurt.

I think it's very important for us to speak from our own experience and to not paint all adoptions, birthmothers and adoptive parents with the same brush.

Generalizations are very detrimental to the whole adoption community and we encourage our members to speak for themselves and not the whole triad.
If you are considering adoption and your family and friends are supportive, you may want to network on your own to find people you trust. When my husband's secretary found out her sister was pregnant and didn't want to parent, she suggested that we might be the people she would be comfortable placing her child with. We met her and we all bonded instantly. TJ's bmom was comfortable with us since her sister had known us for years and ours would be an ongoing relationship. Although we have a semi-open adoption (pics and email updates) TJ sees his bioaunt all the time so the family is always reassured that he is happy and healthy. I just know it is a source of comfort for his bmom.
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