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Last week was a very emotional week for me. In a matter of days, I found where my bmom is. A few days later I found out that I had a half sister and then found out shortly after that she'd passed away at 16. That was sad.
I've known for 18 years that I had a half brother who was 4 years older than me. A day or so after finding out about my half sister, I got my brother's name, only to find out that he too passed away suddenly 2 years ago. That loss hit me much harder. I think because I was aware of him for so long, even if I didn't actually know him. He had a wife and 4 kids. I'm really thinking of contacting them but don't know if I should wait until I've contacted my bmom.
I just want to know him. To find out what he was like. I always pictured meeting him and having that bond. I knew going into this that it would be hard. I just didn't think that it would have hit me like this. In some way he has been apart of my life for a long time even though we've never met. I guess I'm just not sure how to process all this. At least the dh didn't get weird with me for being so upset about "someone I didn't even know". For once, he didn't say a word, just gave me a hug. Sometimes they suprise you!
Lori
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Gosh, I'm so sorry Doinit. It hurts like hell doesn't it? From one who's been there....you will get better. It's been a year since I found out my son is deceased and I'm finally starting to get better. Yes, it's taken a year.You do what's in your heart, but I'd go straight for the kitten-caboodle. Call that young widow. She just might need a friend. You two share a bond, a great loss, but perhaps you can help each other and become lifelong friends. This is what I wish for you.If you want to call pm me and I'll be happy to give you my number. My email is kdecrow@mac.comKim
Lori, I've been giving this some thought. I think it's wonderful and will be healing for you to reach out to Larry's widow. But I really think you should go ahead and contact your birthmom first. You've got her address and phone number, and you've written a nice letter. Go ahead and mail it! If she doesn't respond, I am more than willing to act as an intermediary.
When I realized that Larry died five days after your birthday, it hit me like a ton of bricks what Diana must have gone through. As you know, many of us bmoms have anniversary reactions on our relinquished child's birthday. So she may have already been feeling a sense of loss that week. I would imagine that when your brother died five days later, her grief was overwhelming.
She has given birth to three children, and now two are dead. I just have this strange sense that the timing is right now for this reunion. I think you're going to be a true blessing in her life. It is going to take her a while to process everything, and you are going to have to be patient with her. But deep in my heart, I truly believe that God has His hand in your journey of search and reunion.
I am so incredibly sad that you didn't have the chance to meet Larry in this life. But he left behind four children, your nephews and niece. And I think you'll be able to see a bit of him in them. And I think that you'll be a real comfort to their mom.
Hang in there, kiddo. You're doing fine...
Thanks everyone for your advice. I've been thinking about the letter(s) I've written to her for the past few days. I wrote one which is a little more informative about my history...nothing extreme, but a little more information...and one which is a little shorter with more of the "background" informaiton left out. It's hard. I was talking with my dh and he's right. The longer I hold onto the letter, the more I'll "tweek" it and it will never get out.
The first letter I'd written mentioned that I knew about my brother and how I'd like to have a relationship with him. Of course, that was before I'd found out that he was passed. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't mention him at all to her at this point. I think a lot of my finding her was also based on the fact that I was looking for him too. I hope that doesn't sound bad. I've just looked forward to meeting him for so long. I have one brother in my adoptive family who I really have nothing in common with. He's alot like my adoptive father...both of them were/are hard to talk to unless it's about cars or racing. I lost my adoptive father a few years back and I rarely talk to my brother. It's just very akward on the phone. We don't have much to say to each other.
The letter is going in the mail today. I haven't decided which version yet, but if I don't put it in the mail I will just continue to rewrite it. I don't think this is a letter I will ever get to that "perfection" state. I don't think there is a perfect way of writing it. It is what it is. Like my dh said...at some point you are going to have to be straight forward and tell her that you think you're her daughter and there really is no easy way of putting that.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I have a plaque on my wall above my computer that states: The past cannot be changed, but the future is whatever you want it to be. I can't go back in time and do this sooner but I can try and start a new relationship with my bmom.
Thanks again,
Lori