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Okay so more than one time people have made comments that "All she needs is one good spanking," or "you are patient, so-so said she would beat the crap out of her." Other times, I hear comments like, "so-so knows not to act up because I spanked him before. " And I get it. Some people think my daughter is bad, and they assume I have never spanked. Last time I heard a comment, I made the person feel really bad and said! "wow! well it's a good thing she wasn't born to so-so and got me for a parent instead. I wouldn't beat an animal, nor would I a kid!" and that shut them up.
Yet, lately two acquaintances have blogged about how bad a kid acted in a restaurant and how bad the parents probably were. I saw post after post replying with moms bragging about how people don't spank now a days and that their kids good because they have spanked. I reluctantly commented and suggested the 3 year old who acted bad could have been autistic or tired. I said Sometimes they need a nap not a beating. And to that, a woman replies, "no discipline starts at a young age"and then the mom who was talking badly about the three year old said, "no he didn't look autistic, and all the dad did is take him outside so the mom could finish eating." Am I wrong for thinking that is nice of that dad instead of bad dad? And just what does autistic look like? Ignorance!
So my question is what makes a good parent? If a kid is not active because he is 15lbs overweight but docile at a restaurant, is that a sign of a good parent? If a kid is entranced with a video game all throughout dinner and not acting up, is that a good parent? If a kid is shy and doesn't talk in a restaurant, is that the sign?
My dd was great until 2. We ate out 3 times a week. Then her energy tripled. And she gets more active when tired. She is now 5 and still would not sit still for a video game or a movie though a whole dinner. We could bring 5 items and each would interest her for 10 minutes. She prefers human connection and is super extroverted. We still don't have an Rx of ADHD or sensory seeking yet, but we are leaning toward sensory seeking. She has seen a counselor for a year. But spanking doesn't work, and I hate that people suggest it. To the child who has fears, spanking could work. My child barely fears dogs, doesn't fear snakes, hot water doesn't bother her much, and she will go on scary rides. Just today my daughter ran down a curb and fell, cut her ankle, cried for 30 seconds, and tried to run down the curb again. Pain means nothing to her. And who says I haven't tried spanking... This is why I especially get mad. They assume I have never done it. Well, we all know we aren't supposed to but sure, we have tried it, and she laughs. To spank to the point of actually inflicting pain to a sensory seeking child is monstrous, but we have spanked hard. Truth is, she look "normal" and is super cute but she craves stimulus and she is active. She is the kid that walks on benches, goes under the table, breaks the crayons, plays with ice cubes, and is maybe "good" for only 10 minutes at a time in a restaurant if we've engaged her in a game of tic tac toe, coloring, or word play, but then she gets bored and wants to stretch, then walk, then run.
Am I bad because I might finish my meal even tough DD is standing and not sitting? Should we run to the car every time she acts up? We sit far from people and always try to engage her. She just craves attention and movement.
So what makes a good parent? I've been on a lot of mommy/kid outings, and my DD stakes better, plays more daringly, moves more, and is more agile than any of the other kids her age. She always shines in these environments. Yet, when I am invited to a kid movie or kid play, sometimes people look at me because she fidgets. She won't color in a restaurant or play a video game for an hour. She's "bad" but she eats veggies and is willing to drink water instead of juice or soda.... And not, she isn't loaded with sugar.... Anyway, my good friend has a hyper kid too, but I see posts from other acquaintances bashing parents for bad toddlers/kid in restaurants or stores, and I get mad and defensive because I know my kid is "bad" too.
So is there any merit in blaming the parent for bad table manners? Maybe so, but I'd like real advice what to do. I refuse to not eat out. How do I either a) get to a place where I don't care what people think or B) make her better behaved. And what do you do when you see people bash bad 3 year olds, stick up or agree parents can more?
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takingtheplunge
Okay so more than one time people have made comments that "All she needs is one good spanking," or "you are patient, so-so said she would beat the crap out of her." Other times, I hear comments like, "so-so knows not to act up because I spanked him before. "
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Beginning when our kids were babies we would tell them to shhhhh when they would scream in a restaurant (happy screams, not upset, that went outside to leave the restaurant in peace). As they got older we began training them at home to sit at the table and have proper manners. I am assuming you eat at the table when you are at home, and that you require her to sit down, talk quietly, and so on. We made those rules when the kids were little, but now that they are older they know the difference between how they are to act at a restaurant and what they can do at home. We have always taken our kids to church services too rather than leaving them in the preschool area, and that taught them to sit quietly also. We never went out to eat when the kids were tired or overly hungry (if we waited until 6:30 to eat they were a crying mess).
With time and effort it will get better. All 4 of my kids have always done well at restaurants, and they were never spanked, so I do not think that is the answer. :) We do not do video games, books, or other media at the table to pass time. We talk about our day, our plans, and funny things we heard or saw during the day. It is wonderful to take 4 kids 5months - 14 years and be complimented on the way out for how well behaved and well mannered the kids are, so keep working on it, and the day will come when it will pay off! The key is setting clear expectations, and she will rise to meet them. Maybe tell her if she cannot behave then you will have to leave her with a sitter? I know a friend who had success with that, but her child was 5 not 3, so maybe it would not have much impact on your dd.
People often forget that what we see in public is only part of the story. The same thing happens when we see someone park in a handicapped space and we're just sure they shouldn't be doing that. Some disabilities are invisible, like autism. You can't tell by looking at a person many times that they have anything wrong with them. You can't tell by looking at my mom that she's legally blind in one eye now due to a stroke. That's why it's so important not to judge each other. I get so tired of the mommy wars. There are as many ways to parent I think at times as there are children. And what works with one child doesn't even necessarily work with their siblings. We adopted. That meant we had to sign a paper that we wouldn't spank. So we have no intention of spanking. I keep my word unless there is a very compelling reason not to. In the meantime, I see the beginnings of a strong personality in my oldest. She will look at you and giggle when you tell her no. She's only 16 months old, she's learning still. I can see that as she grows, I'm going to have to be creative. For example, standing on her little chair isn't safe, so we've been working on only sitting and not standing in the chair. No warnings, I tell her to sit, if she doesn't the chair goes to time out. If she sits as she should she keeps the chair. However, if she immediately stands back up on the chair after sitting down, the chair also goes to time out. The problem is that after an intial small fuss the first time I took the chair, she doesn't care if I take it. Yesterday, she put it next to the couch so she could climb up onto it. The chair is in permanent time out. Apparently it's too much temptation at this point. This tells me that when she's older, I'm going to have to find her point of pain. In other words, she loses a priviledge that means something to her - electronics, tv, phone, meeting with friends, the keys to the car. And for her it might not be any of those things. We'll see. Now, for biting, we're making great progress. If she bites me, I tell her no, pick her up and sit her away from me and ignore her for a few minutes. She hasn't bitten me in 2 weeks! So I don't think that spanking is the be all end all. I think for some personalities, it is way too much. For others, it has no effect. You have to find what works for your child.And I agree, a hungry or tired child has a much harder time behaving as adults want. If we're going out to eat dinner now, it's with the senior crowd because my daughter can't wait till 7, or even 6, and be able to get through dinner. She can't handle a restuarant that takes an hour or more. I know this and we don't put her in those situations right now. We work on it at home. I try not to run errands during nap time. I think so many times when we see a kid misbehaving, there's a good chance that the kid is hungry, or tired. As parents, I think it's on us to manage those situations and not expect more than they are able to do.Also, I have a friend with a child who is autistic. I've heard her struggles. So when I see a parent with a child "acting" up in public, I smile at the parent. A warm supporting smile. If it looks like they're dropping every thing and just need a hand, I'll give one if I can. If it looks like just a quick supporting I've been there kind of word would be helpful I give it. I think if we'd all stop and remember that we've struggled at times in our lives, we could extend more grace to those we see struggling. And when I see kids older than mine "acting" up, I do the same thing because I'm afraid it might be me one day and I'd want compassion.
People often forget that what we see in public is only part of the story. The same thing happens when we see someone park in a handicapped space and we're just sure they shouldn't be doing that. Some disabilities are invisible, like autism. You can't tell by looking at a person many times that they have anything wrong with them. You can't tell by looking at my mom that she's legally blind in one eye now due to a stroke. That's why it's so important not to judge each other. I get so tired of the mommy wars. There are as many ways to parent I think at times as there are children. And what works with one child doesn't even necessarily work with their siblings. We adopted. That meant we had to sign a paper that we wouldn't spank. So we have no intention of spanking. I keep my word unless there is a very compelling reason not to. In the meantime, I see the beginnings of a strong personality in my oldest. She will look at you and giggle when you tell her no. She's only 16 months old, she's learning still. I can see that as she grows, I'm going to have to be creative. For example, standing on her little chair isn't safe, so we've been working on only sitting and not standing in the chair. No warnings, I tell her to sit, if she doesn't the chair goes to time out. If she sits as she should she keeps the chair. However, if she immediately stands back up on the chair after sitting down, the chair also goes to time out. The problem is that after an intial small fuss the first time I took the chair, she doesn't care if I take it. Yesterday, she put it next to the couch so she could climb up onto it. The chair is in permanent time out. Apparently it's too much temptation at this point. This tells me that when she's older, I'm going to have to find her point of pain. In other words, she loses a priviledge that means something to her - electronics, tv, phone, meeting with friends, the keys to the car. And for her it might not be any of those things. We'll see. Now, for biting, we're making great progress. If she bites me, I tell her no, pick her up and sit her away from me and ignore her for a few minutes. She hasn't bitten me in 2 weeks! So I don't think that spanking is the be all end all. I think for some personalities, it is way too much. For others, it has no effect. You have to find what works for your child.And I agree, a hungry or tired child has a much harder time behaving as adults want. If we're going out to eat dinner now, it's with the senior crowd because my daughter can't wait till 7, or even 6, and be able to get through dinner. She can't handle a restuarant that takes an hour or more. I know this and we don't put her in those situations right now. We work on it at home. I try not to run errands during nap time. I think so many times when we see a kid misbehaving, there's a good chance that the kid is hungry, or tired. As parents, I think it's on us to manage those situations and not expect more than they are able to do.Also, I have a friend with a child who is autistic. I've heard her struggles. So when I see a parent with a child "acting" up in public, I smile at the parent. A warm supporting smile. If it looks like they're dropping every thing and just need a hand, I'll give one if I can. If it looks like just a quick supporting I've been there kind of word would be helpful I give it. I think if we'd all stop and remember that we've struggled at times in our lives, we could extend more grace to those we see struggling. And when I see kids older than mine "acting" up, I do the same thing because I'm afraid it might be me one day and I'd want compassion.
(Let me first say that I am against spanking. I do not feel that children should be taught that violence is the way to solve disputes.)
I do not believe anyone has the right to complain about another's child. If a person does not like being in a restaurant with noisy kids, then he/she should go to restaurants where kids are not likely to be. This world does not belong solely to adults.
It does not matter why a particular child is loud, or fidgety either. It is not anyone else's business.
This is your child. You know what she is and is not capable of, and you have your own expectations for her behavior. You need to do what is best for your child, not the public at large. If this means allowing your five year old to stand up on the restaurant seat, let her. She is not endangering herself, nor is she hurting anyone else.
My suggestion is to parent your child in the way that you feel works best for your family/child. And ignore everybody else.
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Yikes, crazy people. If so and so would truly "beat the crap" out of her kids, then I hope so and so never has children, and if so and so does then I hope social services will find the kids a nice new family who aren't so monstrously abusiveI get some comments sometimes but not often now, and I ignore them totally. They come from a place of sheer ignorance frankly. It's blatantly obvious that there's more than one way to parent a child, that what works for one child will not work for another, that therefore "spanking" is not some cure all method guarunteed to get a good result, and there's no such thing as 'looks autistic'. If someone can't recognise that then they are an idiot. And if an ignorant person is not willing to let themsevles be educated, then they won't listen to you. Especially when they are on a blog and being backed up by a posse of other idiots. Don't read the blogs of those people. And try and practice some choice comebacks for those people who see fit to pass stupid comments. It's not easy to get a thick skin but to get there I had to realise that they were wrong and ignorant and once I realised that it was very easy to ignore them and not care what they said. Also - time. And seeing my children respons to MY way of doing things.You know your child best, they don't. It's probably not a good idea to look to parents who have neurotypical children who haven't been through what your DD has been throughWhat makes a good parent is someone who parents according to their own childs individual needs and does what's best for their child, IMHO
you know what they say.. opinions are like b*ttholes... everyone has one :eyebrows:
you know you're doing your best... Ignore the rest
listen.. my DD has not been hit by us once. She is as near close to perfect as a kid can be
her BB got hit regularly.. he is messed up in the head and has dealt with some horrific anger issues as a result.
now, i could take that sample of 2 to prove spanking is bad. But its never that simple
those people's attitudes says more about them than it does about your family.
you're welcome to sit next to us in a restaurant any day
:love:
Thank you for your encouraging words! Yes, we model good behavior and table manners at home. She is just too active and sensory seeking to stayed glued to a non-moving seat and often eats the second half of her meal standing at home as well (she stands near her seat). Well, all this talk about eating and now I am hungry!
I had a friend post on FB about a trip to the store and how he kept hearing a kid crying, making big noise and generally not behaving and he automatically assumed it was because the parents had not taken the time to instruct their child to behave properly. Single man, no kids, but he did live with a nephew that he would babysit sometimes(an expert in his mind).
Many of us with kids try to get him to understand that what he heard may not have been what he thought it was, but in his mind the child was being disruptive and therefore should have been taken out immediately so people could shop in peace.
I kid you not, he even had the nerve to say that regardless of what kind of issues/special needs a child had that any child could be taught to behave properly in public and if they didn't they needed to be taken out of the store, punished, spanked, etc. Didn't matter if they had an IQ of 53 or brain trauma or whatever, by God they had better learn how to behave.
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susieloo
Spanking really just means it the parent who is out of control as does yelling.Good parent? Love, praise, boundaries, consistency......
People can be so snarky and judgemental. They have no idea what you go through with your child on a daily basis. It's easier for them to passively sit and dine and pass judgement on you, rather than be empathetic. I don't know if you ever felt this, but sometimes I felt like their dinner show - like they were watching us for entertainment. I never hit my kids. It teaches them nothing. And my youngest sounds like yours - a sensory-seeking, busy extrovert. I applaud you for going to restaurants, we ate take-out for years as restaurants were difficult for our son. The only place he seemed to fit in was Chuck E Cheese - with dozens of other sensory seeking, drink-dumping, constant-motion kids. So go ahead and eat out. I would just ask for a table to the side, so you won't be worried about others watching you.
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