Loss:Where to Begin

We went through something similar. We were adopting a little AA/CC baby boy. We had him for 7 weeks, the revoking period had passed. This was in the 80's. The 17 year old first mother contacted us through the P.O. Box we had set up for contact. She never wanted to place her baby for adoption. Her parents made her place him. It was place him and you have a place to live, college, etc. Keep him and you are out on the street. Her parents saw how placing him had just about destroyed her and offered their support. She contacted the agency and asked them to let us know. They refused to do so. When I opened up that letter my whole world crashed. Legally we didn't have to return him. Morally we couldn't keep him. I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath. But how would I explain to him when he was old enough that "oh yeah, by the way, your first mother wanted to keep you and asked if we would consider letting her have you back, but I said no"? It was one of the hardest choices I have ever made in my life. That was 25 years ago. I can look at myself in the mirror and know I made the right choice to give him back to his mother who never wanted to place him. At the time it felt like someone had cut my heart out and stomped on it. For a long time after the fact. But it was the right thing to do. I spent a lot of time on my knee's. If this father does get his child you will survive. It will be ok. Not the day of or the day after but it does get better. I have learned to pray for God's will not mine. A hard lesson to learn.

Jeremiah--Your post brought tears to my eyes. Devin turned 1 month old yesterday and we've had him since he was 4 days old. BF rights have NOT been TPR-ed yet. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My prayers are with you and your family...I can only hope for the best for the baby.

The bio father of our baby girl tried, when she was 5 mos. old, to get her back (with the help of biomom). It nearly tore this family in pieces to consider losing her after all that time. Thankfully, the judge saw it for what it was and she was finalized with us. But I still sometimes try to imagine having to let her go. I'm deeply sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Josie

We have gone through returning "our" son twice. The first boy we had for 7 months. The court case dragged on for 5 months. The second boy we had for 4 months. It did not get to court. We just asked the biological father to prove paternity and we gave the boy to him. We were also offered to place the children in foster families until a decision was made. We also said no, we would take care of them until the issues were resolved. We felt that we were the adults and could deal better with the pain, trauma, change, then the infants. We decided that the best interest was that the baby stay in a stable environment until we had to return him. We did marital therapy during the court case for the first baby. We talked and cried and wondered how we would get through each day. But we did and we are stronger for it. Everything happens for a reason became our mantra and as you can see from the picture 8 years later we now have the two most perfect children in the world and we are a happy family. Learn how to grieve and accept that your husband will grieve in his way, not your way. My husband kept pictures of the first and second baby up in his office for at least a year after they left. He needed to do that. I took down all the pictures in the house after the baby left. That is what I needed to do. But I accepted the fact that he needed the pictures in his office up until he was ready to take them down. Our daughter was born 6 months after we lost our first "son". I don't think I put her down until the adoption was finalized. PM me if you need to talk

I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate a bit as we had to return a little boy after having him for a week. His mother wanted to place him desperately but the ex boyfriend didn't. Didn't want to parent and hasn't seen him or supported him but that's another story. All I know is, it was almost too much pain for me to bear. i bonded immediately, never saw a failed placement coming and so was completely open to loving him as my son from day dot. Not so with our son who was born before my heart was whole again. Our bonding process has been slow and uneven.... possibly because of the failed placement, I don't know... I have no words for you except this. If your adoption does fail and from your post it seems like it is a real possibility, please NEVER minimize it. Never let anyone else minimize it. The only thing that ever comforted me was when my sister said "it's like you had a baby and he died". Something in my heart said YES that is how I feel and I'm allowed to be in that much pain... I really respect my sister and by saying that she gave me permission to grieve in the way I needed to which was to me like a death. I never carried my own child and I don't know if it's exactly the same as giving birth and losing a child but let me tell you it hurt. DH was hit just as hard as I was but he started feeling better much sooner than I did. Please take all the time, get all the support you need. I hope there is a miracle for you but if not, I found this board invaluable and poured my heart out all over it. PS please make sure you eat, reach out to people, pray and let it out with love.

How do you avoid starting to detach from the baby you love so much? I look at my girl now and can no longer dream of her future...I don't want to hurt her growth, but I find myself no longer able to pour all of my energy into teaching her things and helping her develop. I let her spend more time in her swing rather than reading to her; allowing me to focus on working part time from home to help earn some money to help defray all of our costs that appear to have been in a sense wasted. My husband is handling this better than I am, but perhaps just because he knows I need him to be strong for me. I know we still want to have kids of our own...but can't imagine how I would ever bond again after this enormous loss. Every day that the courts drag this out we cannot start the healing...I feel so powerless and foolish, especially since I am a very successful career woman and have always prided myself for being able to manage through whatever work threw my way.

I have no words of wisdom for you - just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. We fought for 17 months for our daughter, and though in the end we did win, it was the most difficult time of our lives.

I also just wanted to add how sorry I am. I cannot imagine the pain. If the decision is that your DD goes with birth dad, I applaud you for not causing any more "upheaval" and continuing to love and care for DD while the decision is made. Please take very good care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you want.

I am so sorry you are having to go thru such pain. My thoughts are with you.

I can't imagine it's easy but what if you tried to look at the baby as your responsibility for now. Just love for the sake of love? Omigoodness it's just such a hard situation! You are going to have to dig very deep to find the strength to love this chlld and take care of this child while in your care. You can do it. It's the only thing you can do! And as for future bonding....please you MUST deal with things head on so you don't carry this pain into your next adoption. There is a way to handle it. I made a mess of it but if the time comes, I don't think it's appropriate now but I'd love to tell you the mistakes I made and what I would have done differently in order to have bonded more quickly with DS. Sending love your way. Hang in there.

That's exactly why she is still with us..we believe she is our responsibility. My husband reminded me again today that God has put her in our life, even if for just this season, and what a blessing she is. Every day we love her is one more day we help prepare her for the rest of her life and let God work his plan with everything else. I'm taking steps to find the required childcare we would have needed all along for me to work effectively from home, and rededicating myself to celebrating each day with her as a blessing. I know that means I'll go through heartbreak all over again when the courts finally take her from us, which at least we were finally told is now scheduled for 13 May.

My sympathies for your situation clearly you love and have bonded with this baby. Is there some reason why the father of the child should not raise her? I agree with the sentiments of eyejustam how would you explain to her when she is older that you kept her from her father? Again, I feel for your situation but I also have sympathy for the baby's father who clearly wants to raise her.

We'll probably never be sure of the entire truth since we've apparently not been told the truth over all the circumstances behind the adoption. What we do know is: 1) birthmom and birthdad are teenagers. She is still in high school, he did not graduate...he lives with his parents and younger siblings in a trailer on an orchard where his dad works. He reportedly has never until recently had a job...but in the past several months picked up a part-time job at a store. The birthmom lives several hours away and knew she couldn't raise the child at this time in her life (family wouldn't facilitate). I can only assume he makes minimum wage. 2) either he or his family wants the baby. We suspect it's largely cultural (they're not even US citizens, having immigrated here) and driven by his parents...but we're not sure entirely. We are pretty sure that the two teenagers weren't trying to conceive a child; he simply got his under-aged girlfriend pregnant while she was a sophomore in highschool. He wasn't around leading up to the birth (although birthmom's family may have been responsible for that)...he showed up for delivery and left within the hour after presumably saying his peace. We learned shortly before birth that he had threatened early on have his mom raise the baby (pregnancy wasn't acknolwedged until 7 months in). This was conveniently never told to us by our agency when we signed up for the adoption. 3) he spoke up 3 weeks after the birth and asked for the baby...in response to the agency's ad in the paper (the whole process seems odd to me...there was never any doubt who the dad was...but I guess this is the process for unwed mothers). I have to wonder why the he didn't officially speak up in the months leading to the birth, at the hospital when she was born, why he didn't stay at the hospital like we did the entire week, and why he waited so long to speak up later. We've been told all along he knew who to call at the agency. Subsequently, we offered to have him come see her as our guest, but received no response. We never wanted to deprive anyone of their child. Once we learned he was contesting, we prayed he'd understand how we were the best thing for her and change his mind. Before that, we asked at the hospital to get all parties together to discuss the adoption and make sure everyone was ok with it and asked our agency to get him to sign consent...to make sure what has now happened never happened. We were shot down by our agency, and then the birthdad left the hospital. From the beginning of our daughter's life, we lived in fear of losing her with us unable to prevent what has happened from transpiring. With respect to him raising her, we are scared of our girl growing up in poverty, and cannot imagine why anyone would deprive her of the life she has now with us for the life she faces with him. Maybe that's unfair or arrogant of us, but what mother wouldn't feel that way about the child they hold in their arms since birth and promise them a lifetime of protection, love, and security..when they know they have been blessed with the ability to do so and wonder how the birthdad ever could. We hate to think that the birthdad has somehow been deprived of the child he loves, if that really is the case, but it's somewhat hard to believe given his behavior. At a minimum, he doesn't truly know what it means to love this child...if he did, he would have never left her at the hospital or at least would have called us to see how she is doing, ask us to bring her back, or somethiing. I guess we'll never really know his true feelings, but we will remind him how much he owes her everyday for the rest of his life when she goes back to him. Then of course there's the cynical side of me ...knowing we will pay for his and her welfare ...her food subsidies and Medicaid...when we are fully able to support her entirely on our own right now. Why is it that adoptive parents have to prove everything in order to adopt a child, but an irresponsible teenage boy can get his teenage girlfriend pregnant, pay no support for anything related to the pregnancy, and then come back and take the baby after everything has been taken care of, asking society to pay any costs he cannot afford. Again, I know this is probably incorrect anger, but I cannot sympathize very much with him. She will grow up poor and without a mom. She will never know about us. At least we will know we didn't deprive her of anything, and whatever her lot in life is will be directly attributable to the actions of her birthparents. We will pray that her birthdad has all the success in the world for her sake. My husband is the best man in the world, and there is no way that I will ever believe that any other dad, especially a teenage kid, can somehow replace him or be better for our daughter than him. Judging by how much comfort and security my daughter appears to find in my arms, I just can't believe that there is anyway that growing up without a mom is somehow better than a life with me. Please don't tell me I'm harsh or cruel or unkind with any of my sentiments. I really can't take that right now...the last couple of days have been the worst emotional days of my life...and we know it's only going to get worse as the return date draws nearer.

Then of course there's the cynical side of me ...knowing we will pay for his and her welfare ...her food subsidies and Medicaid...when we are fully able to support her entirely on our own right now. Why is it that adoptive parents have to prove everything in order to adopt a child, but an irresponsible teenage boy can get his teenage girlfriend pregnant, pay no support for anything related to the pregnancy, and then come back and take the baby after everything has been taken care of, asking society to pay any costs he cannot afford. Again, I know this is probably incorrect anger, but I cannot sympathize very much with him. She will grow up poor and without a mom. She will never know about us.

You are not cynical, you are honest and practical. I have felt that way before. It seems so simple -- if you can't afford to raise a child don't get pregnant. If you do get pregnant and can't (for whatever reason) be a parent make a plan so someone else can provide a home for the child.Also, a child should not be considered as a source of income for the family. See, I am harsh, cruel and unkind too. Where children are concerned, love is NOT enough. I will pray for your family and that a judge will consider the best interests of the baby instead of the selfishness of a teenager.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a repeat of my life last year. We held onto a little girl for 8 months before the judge decided that the biofather would get custody. Same thoughts as you as far as how could this person think that they can give this little child a proper life when they are so young and uneducated and making so little money. But you know people do it all the time make it and raise their children. For us it appeared that the biofather had a very large ego and could not accept adoption. And big ditto on grandmothers making trouble. Unfortunately, the courts are swaying towards the rights of the bio parents. Good luck and know that this forum might not be a safe place to post