Harder time adopting for Jewish parents?

It sounds like I am a bit more religious than you are, but I think this will still apply. I waited longer than the agency expected based on my criteria (they anticipated within 6-9 months and I was almost exactly a year; average times a profile was shown before a family was chosen was 9, and my son's bparents were the 19th time I was shown). I know there was at least one emom who did not choose me because of religion, and there were probably others I was not shown to because they were not open to Jewish PAPs. I had mentions of being Jewish in my profile book; I mentioned my synagogue in my section on friends and on community, and I had some pictures that related, including one of a friend's kids at Purim and one of a trip to Israel. I am currently doing foster to adopt, but I am also on the list with a couple of special needs programs, and have updated my profile book. The new book does have a page on religion, but again, I think I am more religious than you, so it seemed appropriate to include something so important in a more meaningful way. It has a picture of my son and I at his bris and a couple of other pictures, and I talk about the place both our beliefs and our community hold in our lives. I don't think there is a "right" way to do it.My son's bparents didn't know anyone who is Jewish and as far as I know knew nothing about Judaism. They were pretty nonchalant about it, and I'm pretty sure they personally are not very religious, even though I believe their extended families are. I do, however, think that they liked that I do have a religious grounding, regardless of what that is, because that was a positive think for them as children. Folks who really care about religion are not going to change their minds on that because you put more about Judaism in your profile, but putting your religion into the context of your life might be helpful to people who don't care so much but don't know anything about Judaism (since I have experienced many people who are ignorant of the variety of Jewish experience may have an ultra-Orthodox picture of what Judaism is). It would seem odd to me to include a page on religion if you are not really that religious, because it seems like giving it more weight in your lives than it really has. Because the tradition part is the most important in your lives, I wonder if you could include some bits about that in a section on family or holidays or something. I like the way you describe it here "we're not religious on a daily basis, but we do uphold family traditions..." Just my thought, but if you put that in there it seems like a more accurate weight to put on it.You said that your agency has only had one Jewish bmom in the 3 years you have worked with them, but I am wondering how often they have worked with Jewish PAPs? I don't know that my agency had ever worked with a Jewish emom (I tend to doubt it based on size and geography), and really not many Jewish newborns are placed for adoption, especially outside of their families. It is their history (or lack thereof) of working successfully with Jewish PAPs that I would be most concerned about. I might ask them what has been helpful for other Jewish PAPs they have worked with. If they have not worked successfully with Jewish PAPs, I might wonder if the staff at the agency might need more information about Judaism and what it means to you in order to best help you.

We had to describe our religious practice in our profile and we were honest -- it was written much like you describe yourself in the OP.... Not a daily practice, but we do the major holidays and we're all about the food! We waited a little longer than the rest of our class, but only a few months.With our second son, our religion wasn't considered at all b/c we were doing foster care and the match criteria were more about his special needs and which family would be the best fit for him.

Thanks, both of you, for your responses! I do know that the majority of Jewish families end up waiting much longer than average. Though, I did hear of another same-sex couple (we're a same-sex family) that did not include anything about their religion (and one's father was a Rabbi!!!)... they had a short wait-time. It wasn't honest of them, but if that was what they felt they needed to do, then I can't judge.In the meantime, since I posted this message, we found out we were selected by an expectant mom! We have our match meeting at the end of the week. She isn't due until June, but we're hoping this one will work (we're just coming off of a failed-match last month)! She sounds wonderful and seems to be very thoughtful in her selection (asking first about our plans for incorporating multiculturalism into our family, how we would handle racism, our core values, etc. before asking to move forward with a match meeting). This is through a different agency than the one we've been with (and in a different state). With our original agency, several of the Jewish families we know have waited between 3 and 4 years (and they were not same-sex couples). When I asked our agency about it, I got the blanket response... the right birth mom just hasn't found you yet. They refused to provide us with statistics on wait-times for Jewish families (claiming they don't have that information when I know it's in their database for sure). That being said, this agency has been great in other ways (providing great classes and support groups for waiting families, and excellent counseling practices for expectant mothers/fathers). Well, hopefully, all will work out for us in the end!!!

Thanks, both of you, for your responses! I do know that the majority of Jewish families end up waiting much longer than average at the original agency we've been with for 3 years. Though, I did hear of another same-sex couple (we're a same-sex family) that did not include anything about their religion (and one's father was a Rabbi!!!)... needless to say, they had a short wait-time. It wasn't honest of them, but if that was what they felt they needed to do, then I can't judge. In the meantime, since I posted this message, we found out we were selected by an expectant mom!!! We have our match meeting at the end of the week. She isn't due until June, but we're hoping this one will work (we're just coming off of a failed-match last month). She sounds wonderful and seems to be very thoughtful in her selection (asking first about our plans for incorporating multiculturalism into our family, how we would handle racism, our core values, etc. before deciding to move forward with a match meeting). This is through a different agency than the one we've been with (and in a different state). With our original agency, most of the Jewish families we know have waited between 3 and 4 years (some same sex couples, some not). When I asked our agency about it, I got the blanket response... the right birth mom just hasn't found you yet. They refused to provide us with statistics on wait-times for Jewish families (claiming they don't have that information when I know it's in their database for sure). That being said, this agency has been great in other ways (providing great classes and support groups for waiting families, and excellent counseling practices for expectant mothers/fathers). Well, hopefully, all will work out for us in the end!!!

That's great news! I hope it works out for you.Our agency wouldn't break it down for us either. We were told that everyone waits about a year, some a bit more, some less and bio moms make their choices on such a huge range of things that it's impossible to tell how long a family will wait based on their demographic. One family was chosen b/c the dad was wearing a baseball cap and she liked baseball. One mom saw a pic of the family taken at Disney world and didn't even read their letter, just chose them b/c she'd always wanted to go and she saw that her baby would have a good chance to go with this family. You never know...

That's great news! I hope it works out for you. Our agency wouldn't break it down for us either. We were told that everyone waits about a year, some a bit more, some less and bio moms make their choices on such a huge range of things that it's impossible to tell how long a family will wait based on their demographic. One family was chosen b/c the dad was wearing a baseball cap and she liked baseball. One mom saw a pic of the family taken at Disney world and didn't even read their letter, just chose them b/c she'd always wanted to go and she saw that her baby would have a good chance to go with this family. You never know...

Most of the Jewish adoptive families I know have gone the international route, with no difficulties related to their religious beliefs. International adoption isn't for everyone, but if you are open to it and can identify a country for which you qualify and to which you feel drawn, it's a great choice. Sharon

Thanks for the input and support, All! Since we're a same-sex couple we're not able to go the international route (unless we do it as a single person, which we're not totally comfortable with).While we're grateful for options, we're now at a crossroads with 2 expectant moms due within 2 days of each other June (one from the Arizona agency and the other through friends/networking). Here, we've waited 3 years on our chicago-agency list, and nothing, not one real nibble. Now, we're faced with a huge decision which needs to be made by tomorrow. Both seem to be fine with our religion based on what they've seen in our profiles. Tonight, we have one more Skype meeting with the AZ emom (since the last meeting was cut short) and we will ask directly whether she has any questions/concerns about our traditions/religion. Since a match fee is involved, we would hate for the religion issue to come up next month and it be a deal-breaker for her. So, we figure just lay the cards out on the table. We can't be as vulnerable as we were during the last (failed) match.Please keep us in your thoughts as we make the biggest decision of our lives!! Thanks!!!

Thanks for the input and support, All! Since we're a same-sex couple we're not able to go the international route (unless we do it as a single person, which we're not totally comfortable with). While we're grateful for options, we're now at a crossroads with 2 expectant moms due within 2 days of each other in June (one from the Arizona agency and the other through friends/networking). Here, we've waited 3 years on our chicago-agency list, and nothing, not one real nibble. Now, we're faced with a huge decision which needs to be made by tomorrow. Both seem to be fine with our religion based on what they've seen in our profiles. Tonight, we have one more Skype meeting with the AZ emom (since the last meeting was cut short) and we will ask directly whether she has any questions/concerns about our traditions/religion. Since a match fee is involved, we would hate for the religion issue to come up next month and it be a deal-breaker for her. So, we figure just lay the cards out on the table. We can't be as vulnerable as we were during the last (failed) match. Please keep us in your thoughts as we make the biggest decision of our lives!! Thanks!!!

Many Jewish families adopt internationally, where most of the available children are already legally free for adoption and the birthparents are out of the picture. Most foreign countries, surprisingly, are very comfortable with adoptions by Jewish people. I was very open about my Jewishness in my homestudy, and China placed a child who was truly the child of my dreams, in my home. Interestingly, Judaism is not a religion that is not considered "acceptable", under Chinese law, because of the country's strained relations with Israel, but Jewish people living in China can hold services and other events that are not intended for Chinese citizens. Chabad has a presence in a few Chinese cities, where Orthodox Jews can go to the mikvah, buy Passover foods, and teach their children Torah. And non-Orthodox Jews, including some from the U.S. Embassy, go to Shabbat services at the Athletic Club in Beijing, fly in American chazzans to conduct Bat Mitzvahs in Shanghai, and pick up Kosher products in Hong Kong to enjoy in their flats in Guangzhou. Proselytising is prohibited by law, but since Jewish tradition prohibits trying to convert non-Jews, this is not a big issue.Sharon

Many Jewish families adopt internationally, where most of the available children are already legally free for adoption and the birthparents are out of the picture. Most foreign countries, surprisingly, are very comfortable with adoptions by Jewish people. I was very open about my Jewishness in my homestudy, and China placed a child who was truly the child of my dreams, in my home. Interestingly, Judaism is not a religion that is not considered "acceptable", under Chinese law, because of the country's strained relations with Israel, but Jewish people living in China can hold services and other events that are not intended for Chinese citizens. Chabad has a presence in a few Chinese cities, where Orthodox Jews can go to the mikvah, buy Passover foods, and teach their children Torah. And non-Orthodox Jews, including some from the U.S. Embassy, go to Shabbat services at the Athletic Club in Beijing, fly in American chazzans to conduct Bat Mitzvahs in Shanghai, and pick up Kosher products in Hong Kong to enjoy in their flats in Guangzhou. Proselytising is prohibited by law, but since Jewish tradition prohibits trying to convert non-Jews, this is not a big issue. Sharon