Advertisements
OK, so I'm feeling "down" at the moment and, after reading some of the other posts tonight, was wondering how many of us (on all sides of the triad) are simply "fed up" with the wanting, wishing and not knowing aspect of reunion. I know, I should have low expectations, so I won't be disappointed, but why? It's like high school all over again. Don't let your true feelings be known, you'll "scare" them away, or get hurt. Bullocks, sorry. I'm old now, and tired, if only those of us who truly want reunion could be "matched" somehow, it might make it easier. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy! UGH!
Like
Share
Advertisements
wondering how many of us (on all sides of the triad) are simply "fed up" with the wanting, wishing and not knowing aspect of reunion.
I am fed up at times and totally down in the dumps on how my reunion has/hasn't panned out. Yet something inside my heart will not let me put it to rest, I can't build up those walls inside my heart again that I broke down to search, my hopes raise, my fantasy of knowing my siblings and having a relationship just does not want to end...how can it...it is a part of who I am...a sister without siblings. I wish I wish I wish... Kind regards,Dickons
Advertisements
thanks everyone, it is somewhat comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! MKHope, happy birthday! Dickons, I know how you feel. As much as I think I would be better off to just "forget about it", I feel that I just can't, my heart won't allow it. I'm one of the lucky ones in that my reunion has been positive and only kind words have been exchanged. The long periods of silence have more to do with "life" than "adoption". Still, it feels like he came, got what he wanted and left. I certainly hope not but only time will tell. Thanks for sharing, I have to pull myself up soon or I will go completely bonkers.
Ann/Raven, thanks. I sent him a card after our holidays at the end of March. I don't want to be pushy but Crikey this is so hard! I may just send another one this weekend to let him know I'm thinking of him, as always but no pressure. He does email every couple of months but I'm a visual/verbal kind of gal so a call/f2f lifts my heart more. I would fly in every month to see him but it's HIS call. Maybe I didn't read the cues early on, hung back, I don't know, we all second guess everything. I think what hurts the most is he didn't send his bsister a birthday card and she was crushed. She didn't know about him until last year, I opened up as soon as I heard from him and now I'm afraid the others are paying the price. I know he's busy with "life" but a short e-mail greeting would have made her day. Geez, now I have the guilt of dragging the other kids into my mess. Nothing good has come from adoption. Wait, I take that back, he has a great life, family, friends who love him and for that I'm thankful. I just wish this wasn't so freakin' hard!!! I appreciate your support and hope my experience helps others.
Advertisements
Keds,
I'm sorry I missed this earlier. Reading all of the stories here makes me wonder why I'm two years into spending money and time searching for my son. I wonder when and if I finally get his name if I'll be able to show as much grace as all of you do with all of the emotions.
It really seems weird to have to hire a search firm, wait on emails, worry about every word we say and write, for a child we spent so many months carrying and worrying about. Grieving over...
(((Hugs))) to all of you!
Paige,
It may seem like it's not worth it, but I think it is.
I've opened up a huge closet and a bunch of skeletons have fallen out.
I don't know when I'll have a ftf again, but you know what, the peace of mind I have and knowing I know how to reach him if I need to/want to is so totally worth it to me!
Besides, you might be one of the super lucky ones and have the best reunion ever!
Then we can all be super jealous. :-)
Paige, Quantum is right - it is soooo worth it. I am very fortunate in my reunion, but human nature is always wanting more! My bson is great but busy with "life" and I'm not sure what he wants out of all of this, which makes it harder for me since I'm very straight forward and lay it all on the line, so to speak.
I would encourage anyone to search. I am so much happier now than 2 years ago, just knowing he's alive and making his way in the world. Although it could go either way, at the very least, he knows I love him and he is always welcome to be part of my life. For me, that's usually enough but there are those days ....
Its pretty cool when I can sit at my computer and see all my thoughts and feelings so elequently written and don't have to worry about getting my fingers all cramped up from writing them myself! Seems for me it was much more difficult to give up hope than anything I have ever lost. I understood I gave my baby to a better life(hopefully, there's that word again) but no one could take away my hopes and dreams for having her in my life again someday. However, at reunion, they began to crash around me for the reality of the situation. Hope became just another 4 letter word. During this time, I became so consumed with making my hopes a reality that I lost who I was even.Thankfully, during that time, I had glimpses of insight which I clinged to like a life preserver in an ocean of dispare. I basically like who I am so I was very anxious to get back in touch with that person. I don't think you can tell someone before going into reunion not to have expectations because if they didn't they wouldn't bother searching would they? Is there a difference in hope vs expectations? I would tell someone to go ahead and have those dreams but just to brace themselves for reality. Now that my expectations match more closely reality, I am at peace. I know she's OK so now the most important person I need to be in touch with is me. We email occasionally and she knows I'll be here if she needs me and that's really enough. I worried about telling her I loved her early on because I've heard it was a bad idea. Her parents had always told her that I loved her so I guess it was an OK thing to do. Now she knows from me. Yeah, there are still those moments...somebody STOP ME!
Advertisements