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when i was pregnant with my second daughter, i was really worried that i wouldn't "love her as much" as my first ray of sunshine.... i loved my oldest (raised) daughter soooo much, my heart felt like it would explode... i couldn't imagine loving another child as much.... i couldn't imagine sharing the love.... and when that squirmy, slimy baby girl was plopped on my tummy.... ooh my goodness.... it was like that love was doubled... nothing was split.... or shared.... my heart filled up with more love... intense... passionate love... i think i kind of got addicted to it.... because i immediately wanted another baby!! and when 3 came along... EXACT SAME THING... my heart totally exploded.... i just got more love to give... and now with number 4.... kaboom... when i cut the cord, and first laid eyes on her.... that love was quadrupled.... an explosion in my heart. it's like all new love for each baby.... it's like each baby has her own space in my heart... that is exploding with love... when baby arrived last month, i felt so complete... i felt like my missing baby was home.... and everytime i cuddle her... and snuggle her... i just can't get enough... and i am thinking... hhhmmm.... maybe one more baby??? i am addicted to loving my kids... and for the first time ever, a part of me feels like i have betrayed that child i relinquished.... that somehow, loving my daughters so passionately.... so completely... so eternally.... is wrong. i never felt like that before.... i wonder if it's because we have adopted this last one... i loved that relinquished baby like that... that exploding passionate love... i would have died for her that day... i don't know.... julie
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julie23 Maybe because you were hurt so bad when you reunited you are protecting your heart.. a boundary in a very deep level.. Julia Cameron has us write down our lives in five year increments.. then we mine for gold.. mine for the places that pop out to us.. that hurt us.. And I know that your reunion was beyond difficult.. Beyond painful.. and maybe you know you are vulnerable there.. Vulnerable on terms of your birthdaughter.. Cameron has a person root out the pain and the reasons why.. We can not control the people around us.. but we can protect ourselves.. We can put up boundaries.. and say.. hurt me no more.. And heck forgive them.. as they know not what they do.. Ha.. That old sponsor said to me once.. you need to forgive your mother before she dies.. and I did not want to do this.. But then you are loving and taking care of the new baby..and what happened in your reunion can be worked on in the years to come.. Loving yourself.. Loving yourself enough to protect your self.. heal yourself.. What a thing.. Jackie
and for the first time ever, a part of me feels like i have betrayed that child i relinquished.... that somehow, loving my daughters so passionately.... so completely... so eternally.... is wrong.
a boundary... maybe .... a wall... maybe for the first time ever, i see my love for her as stagnant... for so long there wasn't any beginning ... or any end... to the love i felt for the baby... it was infinite... it was big.... it was consuming. but it was a love that could not grow... when i first fall in love with my new babies... it is only a beginning... the love grows with the relationship... it changes over time.. it is infinite... it is forever.... it is returned... it is a love that is returned ten fold... it grows through the difficulties... it grows through the happy times... even though when i look in my newborns eyes, i think to myself that i can never ever love this baby any more than i do right now... that is not true... the love grows... that huge love that i feel in the beginning... it actually multiplies and grows... it matures... when i reunited.... that love had that opportunity... it was infinite.... it was forever... and yes, i was wounded deeply... it is quite a thing when love is thrown back at you... when it is unwanted... and unreturned... it is quite a thing... and this love for her... well, it had no more room to grow... it became a finite thing... a thing that was no longer so big... but, a burden.. my love for her became a burden that i must carry for the rest of my life.... unrequited love.... isn't that it? a love that is not returned... no more growth... no more future... no more hope. hope has died. i guess i always had hope.... and i do not now.. and in that, perhaps... is the sense of betrayal. i can't put my finger on it... maybe another day. julie