Suggestions as to what we need to include in a Post Adoption Agreement

:cheer: I like Brenda's idea. We have a wonderful, long term successful open adoption and our son has flourished and is an happy, accomplished young man now .:cheer: :cheer:

OK, fwiw, DH and I just got through writing a LONG letter to DD's bmom clarifying expectations, setting boundaries, etc. regarding continuing contact. So, here's what we did (and remember, take what helps and leave the rest): I clarified how often she could expect to hear from us (pictures, letters, etc.) I explained that we are open to trying one visit and then see how it goes. (Lots of backstory to our relationship with bmom, no judging or flaming, please). The visit is for DD's biological relatives only (period) and bmom should let us know in advance who will be coming. Due to chronic drug addiction, we stipulated that face-to-face visits will occur only when she's in recovery and leading a postive healthy life. I think she's pretty much there already, but I felt it important to set this boundary. We're not asking for perfection, but just be an average decent citizen. We pointed out that she's an important person in DD's life and DD will see her as a role model. DD is still very young and so we let bmom know that DH and I want to control the flow of information when it comes to explaining to DD adoption-related issues. I pointed out that this will likely change as DD gets older and has a better grasp on the concepts. But for now, she needs to hear the explanations from us. I also clarified what we have and haven't told DD already and reassured her that although we will be telling DD all the facts at age-appropriate times, we won't ever disrespect bmom to DD. SO.... that's what we did. Hope it helps. Take what's helpful and ignore the rest :)

I am sending you a pm with a copy of our openness committment. The form our agency uses is pathetic, so dh and I just wrote from our hearts. The process of "negotiating" the agreement with our child's bmom was pretty amazing. I think it brought us closer together and got everyone on the same page about what is best for the child. I hope what I share with you will give you some ideas. Good luck!

Beth - That was very nice of you!

I live in Washington State, one of the few states where open adoption IS legally enforceable. We had to draw up an agreement outlining the terms of the open adoption. Things we included were where - geographically the visits would occur. Such as 'this town, that town, or other mutually agreed upon location'. That way if one party moves far away, it puts the responsibility on the one that moved far away to do the traveling....unless we both agree on something else. Then the new site has to be agreed upon by both parties...to avoid unexpected cross country travel. The number of visits focused on the Minimum. This is important, because you do not know what the Maximum will be. You may develop a wonderful relationship with your childs birthmom and have more visits than you ever dreamed of. But what goes in the agreement should be the minimum you are both comfortable with. There is also a clause something about after the age of X the child will not be 'forced' to visit if he/she does not want to. And there is something about changes to the agreement have to be agreed to by both parites. ETC. I really hated working on our agreement, because it seemed so cold and unpersonable. I wanted our relationship to be natural and not forced as it appears with such a document. But because it is legally enforceable in WA state....it had to be done. Oh we also had stuff about photo updates etc.

I didn't mean to cause such an uproar. I just needed some ideas of how others have written out their post adoption agreements. I thank you for your advice and I feel that some of the advice was VERY helpful. :thanks:

I have issues with these "contracts" being written up. For us; EVERYTHING changed for all of us once the baby was actually born and brought home. I think there needs to be some type of agreement, but it is a relationship b/t people. I don't sit down with any of my friends or family and outline our relationship. I can't even remember what we had all agreed upon 10 years ago; I know that bmom is a grown woman now with a job and responsibilites so when she the chance to email she does.When she has a moment she calls and the same goes for us. When our schedules allow it we all get together and have great time. As far as paying for any birthparent travel expenses I don't agree with that at all! We are military so we have lived all over and we have always opened our home to bmom, but she paid to get herself to our house.

In some respects I agree with you Shybear, but if you live in a state where open adoption is legally enforceable, you HAVE to have an written agreement in order to finalize the adoption. Even when its not legally enforceble, there should be something to guide the path forward to ensure that there are not any misunderstanding or varying expectations.

I just feel like I want to say I didn't say anyone should pay for anyone else's expenses. I only said that it should be discussed in advance in case there were any expectations ... In our case: Our son's birthmother cannot afford visits RIGHT NOW. When she can she will pay for her own travel. We will make the trips and we will pay for our own expenses but in the future she may be able to pay for herself to come here or meet us in another location. I don't think of it as paying for a luxury trip or a vacation. I do it for our son. People go through good and bad times and I don't want our son missing visits with his birthmother over money. I guess I think of it as paying for my son's visit with HIS birthmother. So if he gets to see her twice a year, both times on us, and we can afford it, big deal?! Then in five years maybe she'll be helping us out. It's about not disappointing our Son. What would you guys all do if one year you didn't have it in your budget to visit your child's birthmother and she was a zillionaire? Not have a visit?

I have a question on this. Clearly I'm not in a state where OA is enforceable, and I don't think Ty's bfamily is either, but how exactly does this work? In our case bmom and bdad have signed TPR, and we went to court. TPR was legalized or whatever and all that. Agency has legal, we have physical. So if we were in a legally enforceable state, when we went to finalize 6 months later, we would have to 1st go to bfamily and make an agreement with the bfamily, that has terminated rights already? Or do you do the agreement before they terminate rights? I don't see how it works I guess. So even if they have terminated, can they hold up your finalization if they make unreasonable requests after they have terminated rights? Can anyone explain this to me? We don't have an agreement but I really wish we did. I really feel that M doesn't call as much as she would like to, because she's afraid to bother us. On the other side I feel like if I suggest an agreement she might feel like it's because she's overstepped boundaries or it might limit her in some way. I think it's a letter I need to write to her. Maybe when Ty stops puking so much :) If anyone could elaborate on the legally enforceable OA...just for my own curiosity! Thanks!

In 1990, the Washington State Legislature passed a statute providing a method for making open adoption agreements enforceable; the agreements are set forth in writing and made an order of the Court. I do not know if it works the same in all WA state adoptions, but our adoption agreement was drafted and signed AFTER TPR was signed and granted by the courts. In fact by the time we and our son's birthmother received the final draft to sign, was probably a couple weeks after TPR. I do not know if this is typcal. I would have preferred to work out the agreement prior to the birth of our son, as post placement is such an emotional time for everyone involved. But DS was born sooner than expected and we were all a bit unprepared. Everything happend so fast.

So, what happens if one side violates the OA agreement?

" (3) Failure to comply with the terms of an agreed order regarding communication or contact that has been entered by the court pursuant to this section shall not be grounds for setting aside an adoption decree or revocation of a written consent to an adoption after that consent has been approved by the court as provided in this chapter. (4) An agreed order entered pursuant to this section may be enforced by a civil action and the prevailing party in that action may be awarded, as part of the costs of the action, a reasonable amount to be fixed by the court as attorneys' fees. The court shall not modify an agreed order under this section unless it finds that the modification is necessary to serve the best interests of the child adoptee, and that: (a) The modification is agreed to by the adoptive parent and the birth parent or parents; or (b) exceptional circumstances have arisen since the agreed order was entered that justify modification of the order."That was copied from the state legislature website [url=http://apps.leg.wa.gov/RCW/default.aspx?cite=26.33.295]RCW 26.33.295: Open adoption agreements — Agreed orders — Enforcement.[/url] So if the aparents don't comply with the agreement, it looks like the adoption will not be revoked or anything like that but reading the second paragraph it sounds like it is a 'civil action'. I don't really know what that means. I am not sure its a two way street either. The way our agreement is written, it puts the responsibility on DS's bmom to request her visits....so if she doesn't request them it is no fault of our own. In reality that is not how it has worked. We have a good relationship and we always plan our next visit together. I have never waited for her to ask for a visit. I couldn't find anything about an agreement being required for finalization, as my first post implied. But I do know that our attorney pretty much lead me to believe that it had to be done for the courts. There was a lot of pressure to get it completed right after placement. Regardless of the nature of the contact (closed, open, semi) it appeared at the time like we had to have it agreed to in writing by both parties. We drafted what we wanted in the agreement (after much discussion with ds's bmom) sent it to the attorney who put it in legaleeze and sent it back to both parties to sign. I guess this has been a bit of departure from the OPs post....but kinda along the same lines. I would really like to know if anyone else had to do what we had to do in terms of a legally enforceable OA agreement.in some ways legally enforceble open adoption makes me sad because I don't want DS or DS's birth mom ever questioning whether we visit because we want to or because we have too. But I guess open adoption agreements have be abused enough in the past to warrant this sort of thing.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]Aclee,

you can write to her and tell her that you would like to set something up. Write it up amongst yourselves and put in it what you wish to. This way she has some idea as to what you are looking for from this relationship and vice versa.

And then you can always revisit it down the road to see what is working and what isn't.

While I live in the same state as you do and the OA just states that:

I and B, first father, will send an updated picture of us every year.

All presents will be age apprioate.

Pictures will happen x times a year.

Visits are x times a year.

Understand that this will change down the road as she becomes older and that we will discuss these changes.

all this was placed and filed with her adoption.[/FONT]

Your OA will be unique to your situation, as others have stated. I know some people are freaked out by the level of contact I have in my OA with my son's bfamily. but it is right for us and our situation, at this point in time. Our OA has been very fluid and flexible, and very open. Initially we really wanted to set some "goals" for our OA but our son's birthparents kept avoiding the subject when we brought it up--I think they were worried that minimums would be "enforced" as limits. Eventually we "forced" (gently, kindly) a meeting where I explained that I needed to set some boundaries to feel secure in our new role as parents and that I am a person who tends to say yes to everyone and everything and I needed the limits in order not to feel guilty if wanted to cut back on visits or contact (keep in mind we had 17 visits in out first year so I am NOT talking about closing our OA, just cutting back on visits). My requests were that we schedule visits in advance, and not get spur of the moment invitations for dinner etc. I always felt terrible when I turned them down and I felt that decision making process was very stressful. I also asked the family to let us know roughly which holidays etc are most important to them. I learned that birthdays are a big deal in their family. And while I can't always plan a visit for bmom's birthday, now that I know it is important to HER I will at least make a phone call or send a card.