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I am 30 years old, have been married to a wonderful woman, who is a better person than I am for about 8 years now. We have one child who is the apple of my eye. In an effort to follow what we felt that God was calling us to do (and my wife's passion) we adopted a routy deaf girl from china. It has been about a year, and I am so sad/frustrated/depressed/angry at myself and our situation. I am going to be blunt in such a way that I never would say out loud, in hopes of getting good advice: I HATE the situation. Our adopted child is waaaayyy more than I can handle. I hate having to come home because she is always there, being loud, hyper, disobeying, throwing fits, etc.
Yup - you guessed it, I am an absolutely horrible wretch of a person. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that God called us to this, but I would be lying if I said I would have still gone through with the adoption at all if I knew then what I know now. I just hate this. I hate it so much. I wake up, she is making noises. At meals, she is there, disobeying and being loud.
It has zapped me from wanting to spend any time with even my own bio child. My wife is experiencing agony, but nothing ... NOTHING like I am. She is happy with our decision ... I am NOT. My safe haven - my home - is only safe when they are gone, it seems.
Wow, I seem like a wuss and sorry excuse for a man. I know this ... please do not state the obvious if you intend to reply.
I can't imagine what our adopted child would be going through if we didn't "save" her from the orphanage, but man i'm just so drained and i cannot find anyway to energize myself.
What I am looking for is some advice and help on how to cope, how to deal. It is very dark where I am right now, and seems to only get darker. God bless you all who are willing to help. I look very forward to hearing from you all!!!!!!!!
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Well, for starters, stop beating yourself up, it's draining and it won't help. I also would recommend posting on the special needs section of this forum where all us worn out horrid parents usually post.
Did you use an agency to adopt and did they bother to give you information on attachment disorder or post institutionalized issues? If not, that's where I'd recommend you start researching.
I'd recommend finding a therapist who deals with attachment and post institutionalized issues. Not only can they help your child, they can help you with ways to handle her so that you don't feel like a horrible person and can reestablish some control and fun in your household.
Spend some one on one time with each of your children, they need it with mom and with dad. Make date nights with your wife, even if it's just movie night on the couch or a candle light dinne at home after the kids are asleep. It's important to keep that relationship healthy as the parenting can drive a wedge between couples.
How old is your child? With the language barrier and the disability, are you able to communicate with each other?
It might help as well to see this from the child's standpoint. Put yourself in her shoes-if someone came and took you from everything you know, planted you somewhere where you couldn't understand the language or the culture, could you just step into your husband/dad roll not knowing where everything and everyone you knew went? That's what we ask our kids to do when we bring them across the country to our families. Yes, we understand that left there, their lives would NOT be good aging out of an orphanage with disabilities. But they only see that they have no control.
Lots of parents feel like you do, especially in the early years of adoption. There is hope for life to be better.
Repost this question in the special needs section and you will likely get more responses from people who have been through this.
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Sending you a (((HUG))) -- U are not a horrible person. Your feelings are honest and true and you are seeking help / advice.
My brother is multi handicapped and "deafness" is one of the handicaps. I believe my father felt much like you and it was his biological son. I am an AP so I also understand some of the other emotions during the "transition." Given the special needs / adoption transition and all the stresses you and your wife are dealing with it sounds like you are doing INCREDIBLY well!
Can you find the smallest brick to start building that safe haven @ home again? Watch your ADD ( adopted daughter ) when she sleeps! when she is quiet... Can you feel love? peace? Then add a new brick everyday in some way to rebuild your home and family back to the safe haven. And please find time to refocus on your bio child -- maybe a "date w/ Dad" night out once a week? Your bio child has to be experiencing ALOT too.
If you believe God called you to this, he will also help guide you. I am praying for your strength !!!
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You are not a horrible person- you are an overwhelmed parent.
Your daughter has been home a year- a huge learning curve for you all, so many changes, challenges, etc. You have gone through so much.
You siad your daughter is deaf- is there a singal that you use to indicate to her that she is too loud for the rest of you? Something that is quick and easy.
Disobidence I can not help you with, I have a toddler and struggle with that issue myself. but consistency is the key. I would also ask you to look beyound her physical age and see her in "family age" - 1 year old- still learning the process, still learning how to act in a family- it is a tough, tough place to be, but you will make it through.
And finally, do you and your wife get out of the house, just the 2 of you- do you have that to look forward too? Just an 1 or 2 can make the difference- time away from the stress, time with each other, time to just be together.
It helped me immesely just to get out of the house (which was refuge). now I have one time when babysitter comes in and I go to the bookstore, go have dessert somewhere, or just go shopping. It helps.
I will say you are a great dad- you are asking for help and that says so much about the person you are and the person you are trying to be. Things will get better, just is sometimes seems that as parents we take 1 step forward to 3-4 steps backward as our children adjust to being part of our family.
Love and hugs to you,
Deb
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