Advertisements
Well, our saga continues and I'm hoping you all can give me some feedback.This week we've been allowing Demario to attend Vacation Bible School at a local church. The decision to let him go came only after much discussion between my husband and I. We had mixed feelings on whether he was ready for this or not.But we let him go and I spoke to the Bible School leaders yesterday and explained that if there was any problem to please call me. Both yesterday and today I was assured that Demario was very well behaved, did as told, and enjoyed being with the other kids. However... one problem was reported to me this afternoon, and its one I knew about but don't really know how to deal with it.Demario is inappropriately affectionate toward adults. He doesn't act this way toward children - thank God - and if he did, we would be dealing with an entirely different situation that we really don't want to deal with. But, he has an intense need for approval from adults. He will walk up to a man or woman that he barely knows and hug them. Not just a quick, friendly hug... We're talking a long, lingering, intense, handsy sort of hug. He will want to hold their hand, stroke their arm, will run his hands through their hair, touch their face. He first started doing this with my husband and I at home, and we thought it a little odd but figured it was part of the bonding process. When he started acting like that towards us in public places, we began explaining to him that there's a time and place for everything. We have told him consistently about not approaching strangers, as indescriminate friendliness was one of the characteristics he arrived here with. Now, we find out that he's being handsy with his Bible School teacher!So, we're not sure how to deal with this. In a way, we think that for now we should ask him to only hug when someone else initiates it. But then again, it seems that would be sort of shutting down an important piece of his bonding and we want him to have the affection he needs. We wonder if hugs should be restricted only to us. We've tried in the past to talk him into offering a handshake to others, but he doesn't shake - he HOLDS. I feel terrible making an issue of it at all, as I understand it to be an incredible hunger for affection... but, it seems that in our society, it is generally NOT good practice to go around hugging and touching people. Especially not with the intensity in which he does it. Anyone have any suggestions?-SusanC.
Like
Share
your church family about appropriate behavior toward your newly adopted children. I'm really counting on our congregation for support during the adjustment, for respite care, for additional parental "eyes and ears" at social events, and as we are the parents of two very compliant, focused, mature and responsible little girls (stepson was only with us part-time, but he was a handful)- I know they're going to really enjoy seeing us parenting children who don't fit that mold ! :-) But I know these people love us and will help out tremendously, so I would encourage you to talk openly about your adoption and address issues that concern you directly with your friends at church and enlist them as allies. (I assume they are friends you can share with, otherwise you have a good reason to find another church and it's not the hugging)Size of the church shouldn't matter, ours is about 250 - 300 people, but the grapevine works, especially if you encourage it! lolBe blessed~Sherry
Advertisements
Originally Posted By anna2 of our 3 adopted children have this problem. we have instilled a "no-holding" rule in our family. these children may not hold, hug, kiss, hold hands, etc. with ANYONE but mom or dad (and brothers and sisters). we too punish if this rule is broken. what we encourage is that if they feel a need to be held etc. ask mommy or daddy. it is taking time, but we are seeing great progress. the extended families struggle with this but, tough! we need our children to attach to us and no one else untell those bonds are solid. what we saw happen resently at a family gathering was for these two to "cling" to mommy. they kept asking to be held and loved. (my kids are all 4 and under) this is not a "normal" behavior for them. they generally treat me as an "orphanage worker" so to ask me to hold them is GREAT!!!! the need doesn't go away when they are told not to hold others, they just need to redirect their insecurities towards those who should really be trusted most - mom and dad. anna - mom of 6 (bio: 4,3 tomorrow and 11 months; adopted: 4,3,3)
Originally Posted By a lurker with an issuebut I am wondering when is it ok to gain compliance and/or respect by making fun of someone else's situation [the transvestite]? What if, God forbid, one of your boys were a [fill in the blank] and, because of your attitude, could not tell you about themselves? What if one of them has [perish the thought] transvestite tendancies??? Just asking.
Originally Posted By JerryChildren that have been neglected in their first family (thank you louise I like that!!!LOL!), act out their fear of abandonment issues in these ways. I agree with the advice that Sandy, Keagan and Anna posted. It's basically something that you have to give negative reinforcement to control. Where this can lead the child, and your family, is a point where the children are vulnerable to exploitation. This is cause for concern and you need to take some action now!.......and if the children aren't seeing a therapist they should. If they are then you need to talk with the therapist about the behavior and how best to control it.
Thanks for the encouragement. We are blessed and truly like our church. However, many don't understand that a hug is something to be feared by some!I have tried to educate our pastor and his wife (and a few others) and they have a good understanding about it and will shake a visitors hand when they are first introduced no matter the age. So, we'll have to play it by ear.T.
Advertisements
The school told us that kid's who hug alot are lacking attention and security. It took our son about two months and he quit hugging anyone other than us. They have to feel secure where they are at. Let it ride itself out. As long as it's not inaproate behavior then let him hug. The more you hug him at home and the more secure he feels the less he will seek it from others.
When 2 of our girls came to us at the ages of 7 and 8 they too were overly affectionate. It mostly manifested itself in wanting to sit close to men who were friends of the family. Often times in their lap and leaned over on them and rubbing their arm. Often times at church. We would redirect their behavior the best we could and thought we would just ride it out. Many times we would have them move to sit by us or maybe send them on an errand, "would you go get a tissue for mommy", even though mommy had some in her purse. Another issue at this time was that they were lavishing their affection on casual acquaintances but not being affectionate with us hardly at all. They would let us hug them but they would never hug back or iniciate any affection. After about 6 months we realized that it probably wasn't going to take care of itself. At that time we sat the girls down and told them that they weren't going to sit on laps of men. We told them that it was inappropriate and that they needed to come to us for loves and hugs and kisses. It took many reminders but they eventually got it all straightened out.One of our sons used to hug everyone. Even people that he barely knew. We eventually had to tell him pretty much the same thing. Yes the thing that we felt helped us to help these kids the most was to stay close and to keep an eye on this particular thing. While our son would be "huggy" when he was saying hi or goodbye - the girls were more likely to be overly affectionate in the middle of a visit somewhere. So we got really good at watching them when they were most likely to need redirection.Carla
You should read up on RAD. Even kids that don't appear to have it, can. Many kids coming from the system have some amount of it. And I agree it can be very annoying and frustrating when every adult in sight is fair game to them. Put an immediate stop to it. And yes, punish if necessary. They need to know boundaries, personal space , and appropriate behavior- especially with strangers.
No offense, but I've read and memorized enough labels and their symptoms to happily diagnose everyone in town with SOMETHING... including myself. Not to appear jaded or inconsiderate, but I've had it with labels and diagnoses at this point.Gasp... Why, you ask??? Because everytime I delve into the labeling and diagnosing, everything becomes magnified. I had to back off from this board itself for a few weeks because I was holding my son under such ridiculous scrutiny that I was actually creating a worse situation, and I know I wouldn't want to be subjected to that sort of scrutiny. Yes, Demario manifests some symptoms of RAD. And ODD. And ADHD. And PTSD. Frighteningly enough, so do I if I sit around and analyze my own behaviors like I was analyzing his.I was simply asking for other's perspective on the situation and suggestions on how to handle it. And you know what? I put some of those suggestions to work last night and today, and when Demario's Bible School teacher came up to give him a hug for doing something particularly good today he took three giant steps backwards and offered his HAND for her to shake. And explained to her that he only hugs his parents. I'm not thinking the problem has magically disappeared... but for ONE DAY Demario remembered what we told him and knew what response was appropriate for him at this point in his life. And, as I so often forget, one day (today) is all we should concern ourselves with... tomorrow will take care of itself in time.So, thanks for your suggestions of teaching personal boundaries, and for the suggestions of everyone else here. I was looking for real-life suggestions that come from shared experience. That's what I got. So much better than reading about a label in my opinion.-SusanC.
Advertisements
Originally Posted By louiseright about those darned labels, they can be very useful when used with a sense of balance but can be overwhelmingly alarming and intrusive to the parenting relationship when used too much. I'm very glad that Demario, for today, did well. That's really all that counts.
Originally Posted By barkiI'm finding that it is difficult to know what is "normal childhood" behavior and what is "trauma/neglect/abuse/etc. induced" behavior. A good barometer for me is my sister, who doesn't read the adoption information or any of the physchological profiles and such. She has 6 children that span every aspect of childhood right now. LOL Anyway, I ask her if she saw her child doing _____________ (you fill in the blank) would it concern her? If she says, "Oh don't be silly. Kids do that all the time" I take her word for it, and relax. She would also be the first to let me know if she found either of my children's behavior to be of concern. (I have a wonderful family!)Another thing that my dh and I talk about ALOT is what kinds of labels HE would have had in his file if they did in yesteryear what they do in the files of children in foster care today. I'm sure he would have been ADHD, possibly ODD, maybe PTSD, and even some RAD-ish tendencies, etc. His foster parents didn't have that information and treated him like a little boy. They didn't let him get away with inappropriate behavior, expected him to be kind and polite, have table manners and respect them. I know they were kind and caring, but they also were pretty strict. I don't think there was much psychoanylisis going on at all. When I begin looking too close and wondering if my cheerful, gregarious and vivacious son is displaying signs of trauma and abuse I remind myself that I have a safety net (my family) to help me watch for any problems and to step back and let my son be the child that he is.
Originally Posted By louisewhen the kids do something that you NEED to be concerned with, you will know!! With some of ours we have had [many] moments like that and there is never any mistake about if we should be worried or not. Much of the time our children need 'normalizing' experiences and while there is a need to keep the labels in mind, imo those same labels can be very demoralizing to the children and to us. jm[h]o!!!!!!!
Advertisements
I have to confess that while I consider myself a spiritual person it had been awhile since DH and I had been in a church. Naturally, tho, when the kids got here we started going. We were both raised Catholic - while we love the tradition and the rituals I don't really care for how the Church treats women by relegating them to a secondary role in life. I love Unity - I love the message of wholeness and the diversity of religion they embrace. We went to Unity the first Sunday here - while my kids aren't at the extreme of hugging everyone in sight ALL the time, this was a very huggy church, and even I felt a bit uncomfortable. Last Sunday we went to the Catholic Church here - the formality and structure might be a very good thing for our two in this instance!thanks for the post - very helpful feedback on the topic.