Advertisements
Does anyone maintain an open adoption when the birthparents and adoptive parents live over 700 miles apart? If so, what does it consist of? Phone calls, traveling for visits, just pictures/written updates, emails? At what age would you let your child speak to the birthparents on the phone? Thanks for any information. We're new at this so we're trying to figure out the logistics.
Like
Share
goastros
They have promised not to lay any of their feelings about the adoption on my son but I don't want them aired to me either.
Advertisements
lonni, i was wondering that too. i read another post of the OP's and I believe she adopted her son when he was a toddler. i am sure that the birth parents must be really grieving to request the "return" of DS. but i honestly don't think those kinds of requests are appropriate for the OP to have to deal with. If I were in that position, I think it would really affect me (and my parenting) negatively.
He was a toddler when we adopted, plus they are counting the 9 months of pregnancy. I don't mind discussing their feelings but I don't want to be constantly harassed about whether I have changed my mind about giving him back or repeatedly told that we're not his parents. We're going to give it a try and see how things progress. I really wanted to know how often people traveled for visits (especially now with gas prices so high) because it is definitely a cost consideration for us. I want to be fair and do what I can on our side to maintain a relationship.
Ah- Okay. I really don't know what to tell you(on the handling of the return situation) because I would not necessarily be sure of what his best interest is without details of his placement. (what was the reason,were they just having a hard time when they placed him or were they neglectful/dangerous to him ect) and I am not asking you to reveal that because that was not your question.
Best wishes, because this seems complicated. He probably (?) had bonded with them and it must be heartwrenching to all of you. I think a relationship would be good and we get together whenever we can and are 9 hours by car. We take turns driving or flying and mostly meet half way for a few nights in a hotel.Lots of phone calls and letters and emails too. Now he is old enough to do it himself, but we are all still friends. So we maintain a friendship in addition. JMO
Advertisements
I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.
I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success, you all need to be on the same page for the sake of your child. I commend you on your composure and think it's great that you all are committed to maintaining an open adoption relationship, because it can't be easy for any of you (not the OA - the situation).
As for maintaining the OA, my oldest son's firstmom and her familly will most likely be moving to Hawaii because of her DH's military obligations...This will be very hard for our families, because we both have young children and it wont be so easy for us to take a 12 hour flight.
We will maintain our relationship via email, letters, pictures, calls, etc...I think I will buy her a web cam before she leaves so her and AJ can see each other that way...
If you plan visits, maybe you can meet in the middle sometimes. Good luck to you all!
goastros
I don't mind discussing their feelings but I don't want to be constantly harassed about whether I have changed my mind about giving him back or repeatedly told that we're not his parents.
Advertisements
"I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.
I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success," love2boys said
It depends on the adoptive parent. I do listen to our son's parent's discuss regrets and grief. I can handle that and feel all children are "worthy" of being grieved over. It mattered plenty to me as an adoptee if my parent's grieved and had regrets or if they just skipped away without a second thought. When our son was older, his parent's did discuss this grief with him (he was 15) and it affirmed to him that it was not a
flip decision. JMO
Goastros, I think you want only the best for your son and will do just fine;~))
lonni
"I understand how painful it must be for his firstparents...but regardless of how it came to be, he is now your son and you shouldn't have to listen to things such as that.
I would certainly tell them that converstions like that are unacceptable and that in order for your OA to be a success," love2boys said
It depends on the adoptive parent. I do listen to our son's parent's discuss regrets and grief. I can handle that and feel all children are "worthy" of being grieved over. It mattered plenty to me as an adoptee if my parent's grieved and had regrets or if they just skipped away without a second thought. When our son was older, his parent's did discuss this grief with him (he was 15) and it affirmed to him that it was not a
flip decision. JMO
Goastros, I think you want only the best for your son and will do just fine;~))
Advertisements