Telling people - friends and partners

Ugh. People really need to watch what they say. Did she know you were adopted? That happened to me as well. I was in a group of about ten people and one girl said, "adopted people have problems." I could not let that one slide. For the first time in years I revealed I was adopted. She had no idea what to say after. :evilgrin:

poppy the insenstive comments are awful. My sister is also adopted and her mother-in-law(a nasty woman to say the least) will always say about my sister's daughter "well she has my jeans" and "she takes after her grandmother" she will say these things infront of my parents...knowing that my sister is adopted and that my niece obvioulsy would not have my adopted parents jeans. Also my mom has never been open to me finding my biological parents...we rarley talk about it, but when it does come up a guilt trip is usually her first reacton. I too am struggling to decide if I should pursue a reunion or at least gather info. on my biological mother...not really sure what to do, b/c I love my adopted mom so much that making her upset would not be worth it for me...at least I do not think it would, I also struggle w/ that when I am making a pro's and con's list. I say you do what you feel is best, if your adopted mom loves you as much as I hope she does, she will support you..it is what I am leaning towards and what I am hoping for. Good Luck

According to my husband, when he told me he was adopted, I said, "Cool. Are you good with it?" Thats me, all coy and hesitant :arrow:

I Think if there WAS SOMETHING wrong with you, chances are you would NOT have been taken from your mother - ahhhhh, the very Irony of the "gift" of adoption!! FC

Sorry, I don't get this comment. Unless CPS is involved, children who are adopted are not taken. Adoptive parents do not haunt the halls of hospitals, looking to scoop up healthy infants.

FC- Many years ago I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy that I could not take care of. I placed him for adoption voluntarily because I loved him and wanted him to have a good life (which he has had). No one took him from me. Now that I am a hopeful adoptive mom, I have not forced any expectant moms to give me thier baby or stalked any maternity wards. I was not a victim then and am not a perpetrator now. My best friend in the whole world is adopted so I have seen adoption from all sides of the triad. I hope you didn't mean to be insensitive and I'm not trying to be harsh. I just want you to see a different perspective.

I have always known I was adopted and never felt ashamed to tell anyone. I can't remember anyone making hurtful remarks either. Especially when people are talking about hereditary features like twins running in the family, or how tall all the siblings are, I'm honest about being adopted because I couldn't really participate in the conversation. I think that it's important to be upfront about adoption if the opportunity comes up. I see it as a way to educate people on how different families can be. I think that owning it and not being worried about other people's reactions go far in the internal healing process and overcoming external taboos.

I'm with fractalgirl. My adoption has never been a secret, although it isn't the way I introduce myself. If anyone has ever had an issue with it, they never said anything to me. Actually, the only negative comment was made by an older woman to my fiancee. They live in a farming community and she said "you wouldn't buy a horse without a pedigree. I was shocked and so was my fiancee - but we chalked it up to ignorance. She is already dead, but now that I know my history, I would love to shove it in her face.

my adoption was never a secret either and I don't remember any insensitive comments. I am always asked what nationality I am by friends, strangers etc. For about 30 years I would just respond with "I don't know, I am adopted". But once I had my non-id info, I could finally say Irish and German. But then people say, "really? you don't look Irish". LOL

Your story sounds incredibly similar to mine! I rarely tell people I'm adopted.. for some reason I feel almost ashamed about it (mostly because my adoptive family and I never talk about it which has probably subconsciously made me think it's a shameful thing) and I have not told them I'm going through the search & reunion process. I want their support and I know they'd lend it to me, but I feel that I need to do this by myself.. this doesn't concern them right now. I've had people ask questions or make statements like "So you were in an orphanage?" Not that crass remarks or inconsiderate statements by people are OK, but you have to realize that so many people don't understand the adoption process or understand what adoptees feel. I know how you feel about hearing remarks about adoption from people who don't know you're adopted - like hearing people say "So & so have 2 daughters and an adopted son" (as if the adopted son is less of a son). I didn't think I had anyone to turn to when it came to my own search & reunion (I haven't reunited yet) but it came to the point that I knew I needed to at least tell someone I was going through the process. Just because you tell someone you're going through the process doesn't mean you have to share with them all of your feelings, emotions or any details about anything, but I can bet that if you at least divulge to someone that you trust that you're adopted and searching for your birth parents, you'll automatically feel better. Just getting that off your chest, without explaining your reasons or answering any questions about it, will give a big sense of relief. I feel like I just wrote so much and I apologize! Even if it's just through the computer, if you need support or advice from a fellow adoptee who has probably gone through similar situations or can understand the feelings of being an adoptee, feel free to contact me.

When I was young, I felt a deep attachment to my adoption experience...mainly it should be hidden and never mentioned....Altho, there were many people who knew, they never mentioned it and neither did I.When I was told at 7, it was a devastating experience. We lived in a small town, and many people knew of the adoption. They never mentioned it. But, I knew I was an outsider.My peers all had birth families. That was something I wanted, but didn't have, and couldn't get. I was ashamed for many reasons.When we lived in that small town, I only shared my adoption experiences with 2 people. The first felt sorry for me and began to pity me, as though I had some serious unknown disease. The 2nd person pretended to be ok with the information, but I never saw him again.Once we moved away from that town, no one knew of my linking to adoption. It never came up and I never shared. It worked out well. All that was left was to insure that the whole adoption experience did not control my life...and it didn't. The grief and loss remained, but in spite of it, I was able to move on.I wish you all the best.

Hopefully our society, and particularly people outside the adoption triangle, will become more respectful and sensitive when talking about adoptive relationships. I wonder if way back in the early days of divorce whether people of blended families faced so many insensitive reactions. Imagine if you were the stepchild and when others found out that your mother and your stepdad, would these other people ask, "So, do you want your mom and dad get back together again? Why did they divorce in the first place? Are you close to your stepdad? How often do you see your dad? Would you rather live with your dad? etc;"

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Hi Drywall, I don't have a profound experience to share with you (though, I guess, in reality, I really do)I would love for you to share more with us. I appreciate your participation!

Hi Wanderer...thanx for the note....I appreciate your kind concern...my story is long and convoluted. Each story is special in it's own way...your story may not be graphic, but it nonetheless, has meaning and value...it has been an influence on your life and is important to you...if you want to share your story, It would be great to hear it.I wish you the best..