Failed adoption- living and legal expenses

It is your choice what expenses you want to pay. I actually opt not to select situations that required expenses. You can go with an agency that uses their own resources to help birth parents or a private adoption (just an attorney if you state allows), and have that agreement with the birthparents.

So sorry for the bad situation you went through. The one thing I have noticed on all of these sites is that it is a safe place to share. We all seem to listen and disagree with thoughts and continue to share some more.

Really the bottom line is that the whole system is very flawed. I just wish there was a solution. Believe me, I will do something about it if I come up with one.Meanwhile, we also just had a failed placement after supporting the birthmother for 6 months. Luckily our 3 year-old (through foster care) keeps us from being too sad about it. In response to the people that said "you can choose what situations to pursue". That is very true, but after 5 years of trying to adopt privately w/no "hits", we were stuck with having spent thousands of dollars with an attorney and facilitator that we never thought were doing their job. Then when a birthmother was FINALLY interested in us, we follow the advice of the PROFESSIONALS and OTHER prominent adoption attorneys, and decide to match w/someone we were never totally comfortable with. The situation kept getting more and more expensive... you feel very helpless and that if you don't continue with this situation there might not be another one. Yes, we could have quit but at that point we'd come so far and everyone said "oh it's only 1 more month, it's only a few more weeks... she's definitely going to place, she can't take care of herself, let alone a baby. In our situation, the birthfather came into the picture at the last minute and in our opinion pressured the bmom to keep the baby. I can only hope that something changes in their situation because that poor baby isn't going to have a very good start in life.I don't trust anyone in the adoption triad right now and we're not sure we'll be trying again.

Oceanica - just wanted to say that I thopught it was really cool of you to apologize like that - and very cool of all of you offended to accept so graciously. And I have to say - this is one of the reasons why you guys need to elect someone who supports universal health care! And yes, I do realize I am COMPLETELY sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. But seriously, these things would all be moot - all pregnant women, no matter what their income, education, race, socio-economic status would have access to FREE health care...I am always amazed at people opposing this - I just don't get it. But maybe that is a whole new thread :flower: Or, you could all just move to Canada :clap:

Hello to all, I have followed this post and as usual have appreciated all views...one reason I keep coming back, all of you are makiong me so much smarter..LOL! As some of you know , I am a Firstmom, relinquished twin sons,1986. I never once was told ANYTHING about expenses. Some of you may ask how does one know who pays what? I was just following what my SW wanted me to do. She weekly bought lunch, supper, my 6 yr old gifts,payed for maternity clothes, utilities,rent,and also informed me that all of my expenses were to be paid for 3 months after I relinquished my twins..."to give me time to heal and get back to work". Fast forward...When it was my last night with twins I called SW and told her I had changed my mind, that I wanted to parent my sons...ALL HELL hit the fan! I was threatened into possibly losing my 6 yr old, told twins would not be ALLOWED to leave the hospital with me, they would be placed into foster care until ALL bills were paid, then a judge would have to decide if I was fit to parent my twins and possibly be questioned on my ability to raise my 6 yr. old. I do not know if the parents of my twins were behind this or if they were as clueless as I....I do know I DID NOT ASK for anything that accrued during my pregnancy. I freaked out thinking "oh My GOD, they are gonna take my 6 yr old...they will put my twins into foster care...WHAT AM I GONNA DO?" You guessed it ..I was a coward and believed them, I signed those papers! SO MY QUESTION IS OF SIMPLICITY..."Who Really Pays The Price?" I am SOOOO ashamed of my cowardness and stupidity!

Sorry for my rant the other day...I get very emotional when it comes to expenses. I guess my point I was gonna make was, the Mother was not pushed into changing her mind by the father of her baby. I would bet the farm, she changed her mind ,because she loves her baby and wanted to parent, with or without the father, it made no difference to her. She made the right choice and parents wishing to adopt need to be fully aware that these decisions will happen. I fully believe that when one chooses to adopt a newborn infant , one needs to have an agreement up front and know all possible outcomes, long with total expenses. I would think if one truly has to worry about finances, then maybe one should consider a "cheaper" form of adoption(foster/orphaned). Just my opinion! I think the reason newborns are such a "commodity" is because it is BIG money! This saddens me to read about these outcomes, biased or not, I will always root for the Mom to parent, after all that is the way it is meant to be....:flower:

I agree that these posts make us all smarter, b/c we can see or learn about someone else's perspective. What I will say, is I will never assume that I understand the pain that a firstmother goes through in deciding to place her baby. I am horrified about the accounts of mothers being lied to and pressured into placement. However, to say that prospective adoptive parents should choose a "cheaper" option like fostercare is to disregard the deep desire of those PAPs to be parents and to have a healthy experience. Fostercare is also full of the same risks. Often families can bring children home for months, even years without a guarantee of permanency. As the person who started this thread months ago and has begun to move on from our failed adoption, I will answer your original question- who pays? everyone! I respect the rights of firstparents but need for you to know that our world was shattered and money was not the central issue. We had spent five months supporting her financially and emotionally. We travelled out of state to attend dr. appts, heard the heartbeat, decorated the nursery and even brought him home from the hospital. I won't bother listing the symptoms of my subsequent depression but I promise you that I will never be the same. We love that little boy so much. Just as I can never understand your pain, please don't presume to understand mine or to trivialize it. The money issue comes from now that we want to start the process over, we don't have the resources to do it.

MLS0915, I am sorry you felt I trivialized your feelings...and yes your post WAS about finances. I understand wanting to be a parent and also becoming ATTACHED and loving a baby..then gone the next instance. No I did not have my twins for 1 or 2 months, then poof, have them be snatched from me....NO that did not happen to me, I had my twins for 9 MONTHS AND 4 DAYS AND 18 HOUR5S, before I was THREATENED by people who were willing to destroy my life with my twins AND my 6 yr old. So no maybe I cannot understand your personal pain for the short amount of time you had, but DO NOT trivialize my plight of having spent 9 months with my twins , then coerced into relinquishment....over FINANCES! Your journey is one that is long and at times heart crushing, but the next one you decide to fall in love with...imagine bonding with the child for 9 months, then have them yanked away...just imagine. I am very sympathetic to you yearning to be a Mom, just be aware that when you go forward that it really isn't about who pays the expenses (i.e.finance), its about two women whom just want whats best for a baby...LOVE! GODS Blessings.....:flower:

Guys - this discussion has taken a turn none of want to see happen (I think). The truth is, ALL sides of the triad experience deep pain and hurt - how can we say "my pain is greater than yours"? What will that accomplish? Cetalley - I am truly sorry to hear about your situation, and I can't even imagine the pain you are dealing with. But please know, most adoptive parents also believe the first choice for the child is with his/her birth family. But saying things like "I cannot understand your personal pain for the short amount of time you had" and making sounds as though your pain is greater due to time you had with your babies doesn't help anyone, least of all - yourself. As you well know, it is not amount of time spent with a baby that makes you fall in love. Is a parents grief when a baby dies of SIDS at 2 months less valid than a parents who lose a child at 6 months? Of course not. Let's just acknowledge there is pain on all sides - equally. And every situation is different - not all babies are snatched from their birth mom. And I agree with you - while money is something that has motivated very unethical situations - they are a reality.

KarynB, I digress, what you said is nothing less than the truth. I was simply trying to let MLS0915, that I was not trivializing her journey...in no way, shape or form. Her original post was about the expenses and final bills...(ie.money). I do not expect any one to shoulder my blame, just know that when you are going into an adoption journey, that EVERYTHING be put into writing and understand that the adoption may not go through. I agree as with all the triad...the BEST thing is for a child to stay with its Mom, if that is what the mom wants. She should never be looked at less a person for wanting to love her child. I do get to ranting too much when it gets to any one whom brings up the unfairness of having to pay bills, when in the beginning of their journey, they should have been fully aware of all the expense, including the adoption falling through. So, I apologize if anyone took offense to my opinion, as I did not mean to TRIVIALIZE anyones feelings. Have a great day to ALL!:grouphug:

The last post I made was back in June, after I had been involved with a couple who changed their mind about their daughter 30 hours after she had been born. Immediately following that situation, I was involved with another birth couple, who were known by the attorney and agency that she was working with, to be a "career" birthmom. In January 2006 she became pregnant and placed a baby. In January 2007 she became pregnant again and placed that baby too. The two adoptive families came to know of one another and became friends and the children see each other often. In January 2008 she became pregnant again. But this time, she didnt want to tell either of the two adoptive families she placed with already because she wanted more money then their state allowed. My state would allow her to receive more money so she chose us. In July, she became distant, not providing sonogram information and telling the agency I never called her when I had in fact left several messages. My attorney, her attorney and the agency got together and determined that she was likely not going to place. Apparently she had finally told the other adoptive parents that she was pregnant again and wasnt placing with either of them and they were very upset. I had made it clear from the beginning, that I wanted this baby to know about his siblings and that the distance between where I live and where they live wasnt a concern to me. It fell on deaf ears. My adoption plan came to a screaching halt right at the time that she would be able to have one of the other families pick up where my money left off. So for whoever made a comment about the babies belong with their mothers - she didnt want to parent she wanted to make money. And for whoever made the comment about how if money is an issue I should seek cheaper alternatives - its not about the money - its about the principle. With the first adoption, I was very close with the mother, and I still am. If she had told me she wanted to parent and took her baby and went home to her mother I would have felt much better. But she took her baby and went back to her emotionally abuse boyfriend. Babies dont make relationships work. He has a prison record, he drinks and drives and he is emotionally abusive to her. All the things that this baby didnt deserve. And the worse part was that I sat with her in a hotel room for two weeks before she gave birth and I watched him put her in tears every night on the phone because he was drunk and telling her horrible things. He told her that he wouldnt be able to go into work because he was too drunk, and since he couldnt risk losing his job, he wanted her to call his job and tell them that she "lost" the baby and he needed to go out on his leave time earlier to be with her. Im sorry, but thats just sick. So someone tell me again why I shouldnt be bitter that this is the guy who is driving around in a new truck because the money I paid to have the birthmoms car fixed was used to buy him a car with? Tell me why I shouldnt be bitter when the second birth couple, who were career birth parents, suddenly decide that the baby would best be placed with one of the other adoptive parents at the last minute. I keep telling myself that the chances of these things happening to me over and over again are slim to none - and that everything will work out. But it sure hurts like hell along the way.

Dragonflylady, it sounds like maybe you should look for a reputable adoption agency, one that doesn't encourage birthmothers to repeatedly conceive children so they can be treated as commodities...

I won't tell you that you shouldn't be bitter. You wouldn't be human if you weren't bitter. You are hurting. You have been lied to. You have lost two possible children, and you are very worried that one of them is in an unloving, maybe abusive situation and you can't do anything about it.I don't know how to tell you to cope. I won't say "to get over it" because you won't. These losses are imprinted in your life experience. They will make you tougher, and wiser, and ultimately they will help you make decisions for your future.

Interesting post. Lots of things to think about. We are all in pain and will be for the rest of our lives. I feel for everyone involved in this discussion. Please DO NOT TAKE OFFENSE AT MY POST- I do not mean to offend emoms who ask for expenses. It took us much longer to adopt than normal because we REFUSED to pay for a baby. Many of the cases we were presented with wanted 8000-10000 in expenses not including medical or legal. Being pregant USUALLY does not make you unable to support yourself you may need help but not 8000-10000 worth. We had several failed matches, did not loose much money, because we went into adoption to adopt a baby not buy, so we were very careful with what expenses we would pay. We were finally matched and agreed to pay around $3000 in expenses not including medical, (Still waiting on final medical bills). This was reasonable because of a c-section that made it impossible for the young mom to return to work as quickly as she wanted, and she needed to be able to support her other children. Matching early and paying expenses is a risk you choose to take. Giving birth, placing a child and receiving a child is emotional and when emotions are high, you never know what will happen. I do feel for everyone who has lost money due to minds being changed, but they do have a right to change minds. I am mad at every bmom who intentionally scams, it happens, I wish it could be prevented.

jp4, good for you, it makes me happy to know you have ever so wisely decided up front , what you would and would not do. Congratulations on your child, I am so happy when moms whom have waited, knowing all the expectations, finally get a chance to be a mom. I feel that every woman whom desires nothing more than to be a Mom , deserves to be! I can only hope my twins have morally kind , honest, loving, compassionate parents, and to know they are safe, together, and healthy. A part of me died 22 yrs ago, so hoping that GOD will one day allow me to know that what I endured was for nothing! Again congrats on being a Mom, I am sure you are amazing at that. :flower: