Is there a bmom out there brave enough to respond to this?

It works both ways. It's hard to believe that a bio parent would not want a relationship with their bio child as well. I've read your post about your Bdaughter. I know how it hurts. I am an adoptee ggoing through a similar situation with my bio parents. It's pure H*ll. My stories of my reunions with both bio parents is way to long to tell, but feel free to go back and read some of my post, thoughI haven't posted any details in the past six months. I believe my Bdad, instead of communicating with me, just checks in on me by reading here. In short my bio parents were glad to have me find them. They love me so they say, but due to their own issues, show little to no interest in me or my life, much less put any effort into "building" a relationship. They both seem to be fine with just knowing where I am, and being able to ease their own guilt by acknowledging me as their daughter when it is convenient or unavoidable, but as far as, "getting" to know me as a person, who happens to be their daughter, and having any kind of real, healthy relationship, seems to be, again, due to their own issues and problems, too inconveniet and difficult for them. So, how can a bio parent not want to "get to know" their child? How can Elaine's Bmom and my Bparents not want to know and build a relationship with the child they created? Keep in mind, at the moment, I am extremely hurt and angry, but why would a bparetn go to such extremes as lieing like Elaine's Bmom has done, and my Bmom, though not to the extent of Elain's mom, just to protect their social image? Please don't take this as an attack. I know you are hurting too. I'm just trying to point out that it works both ways. I don't understand it either. It's the cruel part of adoption and reunion. Please, know I'm grieving with you.

Dpen, you continue to amaze me in how you write. You are able to put into words how much some of us need the contact and answers. Even if there is no relationship to build (for whatever reason) we still need to know where and who we came from, it is almost an instinctive need deep inside where reason does not factor in, simply the need. As a side note, I was part of a conversation with a birth family and the need for family medical info came up and the comment was...well there is nothing in our family for the child to be concerned with...the person just did not get it...the child does not know that...people have an incredibly hard time walking in another person's shoes. Kind regards,Dickons

Just caught up with this thread! I loved your comments Jackie! Elaine - I believe in you. You are the innocent victim here. A thought did occur to me - Why, if your bmom is so upset by people finding out her secret, did she go on national TV? If there was truly a horrible secret wouldn't she want to do "damage control" and keep it in her small circle? I believe that adoptees and bmoms should be given the opportunity to search and know one another if that is what each individual wants. I DO NOT believe that strict laws of no contact should ever be enacted and enforced.

Denisesmom I remember thinking when this first went down that the mother the birthmother told some lies.. made some stuff up and when Elaine wanted contact the lies would come out.. And she tried to cover her tracks.. And I know lies were encouraged back then.. I know it real good.. IMO Elaine's birthmom is not telling the truth.. as per what she has written in the recent newspaper article.. She said that she was raped over and over or something to that effect.. Now if this is not true.. can you imagine what this is doing to Elaine's emotional well being? Is she thinking of Elaine at all? IMO the woman is running in circles.. and doing harm as she goes.. I know Elaine did want contact in the beginning.. but I do not think this is the case now.. I do not think the woman is in any way shape or form ready for a relationship.. She is only thinking of herself.. and her causes.. or whoever is going to use her for their own agenda.. I believe unresolved grief leaves us open for others to use us.. a political thing.. IMO Elaine has been abused.. terribly abused.. A birthdaughter is rejected at birth.. (the birthdaughters thinking and or reality) and it turn is rejected at reunion.. I can not imagine the pain.. We can not control what others do.. All we can do is stand up and say.. this is wrong.. Jackie

I truly understand the need you have to find your bmom. I am a bmom myself, and I have just contacted my daughter for the first time last week. I can relate to the feelings you must have had when waiting for your bmom's response. I was fortunate that my daughter responded well. She was quite suprised, but then she emailed back that she was glad I found her. We are going to try to meet for the first time soon. I sympathize with you, loosing your adoptive mother at such an early age. However, it sounds like your birth was such a tragic situation for your bmom, and there was no one there for her to help soften the blow. As much as you crave a relationship with her, you can't force someone. I would respect her wishes and leave her and other bfamily members alone. I would let her know that if she ever changes her mind throughout the years, to contact you. Best wishes to you.

I haven't been on-line lately, so I'm just catching up. Thank you everyone who has been a voice for me. I get so tired of sticking up for myself. To Sparky4 -- I honestly don't crave a relationship with bmom any longer. I haven't for some time now. Any good feelings that I've had towards her, she's destroyed. Also, she doesn't speak for the adults in her family. The ones who want to speak to me, do. The ones who do not, don't. It's not under her control -- which I think drives her nuts, but whatever... I've had birthrelatives tell me specifically that she does NOT speak for them. Everyone has been adults for a long time now. I told my bmom in my first letter over 10 years ago, that if she ever wanted to contact me, I wouldn't turn my back on her. She won't ever take me up on that, but I did and do mean it. The government is off for the summer, but I'm sure come September her creepy husband will be back in the newspaper and on television blasting me. I guess that's where he wants to invest his time -- trying to hurt me. Right now, I'm spending my time concentrating on my kids who are out of school and searching for a book agent -- lol! Elaine

Epenn, Is the book done???? I want first dibs!

The bulk of the book is done. I've been handwriting it for weeks and weeks. I submitted the first three chapters to Soho Publishing (who published "The Other Mother) and got rejected without comment. A few days ago, I submitted them to a book agent. I went to the library this a.m. to get books on how to get published. I've joined a couple of writing websites and am planning on pursuing this. I just need to develop a thicker skin. Rejection really hurts -- maybe more so because of my bmom's rejection. I feel very unheard and unwanted. However, as of today, I am planning on plugging away and eventually getting this published. I'll see how much rejection and criticism I can take. Elaine

Sending you support from this end!!!! I'm sure the rejection is not personal, although I know it can feel that way, but just their stupid corporate quotas or policies. Someone will be the right fit with your book. Keep plugging along!!!! Know that we are behind you 100%:cheer: :cheer:

I know that there will be some who will think me selfish but I am sympathetic to Kathleen. I am a birthmom who conceive thru rape. I had the option of abortion but chose adoption instead. HOWEVER, I never even thought that there would be the possiblility that my daughter could find me nor do I want her to. I found an excellent home for her, with parents that wanted her so badly and that's where I choose to leave it. I don't wish to be found and would hope that her life was as happy as could be but her parents are the people who adopted her, not me. I don't believe that adoption records should be opened. If that were the case, I know those who would choose differently about continuing their pregnancy. JMO.

Bookmarking!

There are many birthmothers in the world (such as yours, and mine) that for whatever reason, choose to deny their children. In both of our situations it sounds like their are mental health issues involved. I'm assuming many birthmothers do not deal with the grief and many other issues that come with placing a child... over the years, I can imagine that this would make someone crazy! (I can only say this, because as of 4 years ago I am a birthmother myself). Please know that is some messed up way, at one point or another, your birthmother cared for you and chose to have you and place you for adoption rather than the alternatives... Although our birthmothers do not give us the love we need today, they once did.. and thats all that matters. If you ever need to chat, I'm here :)

Maybe you've seen my other posts on this thread, I am pro-birthmama love! But in a situation like yours, 100%, why would you ever put yourself through seeing the child again. You know you gave her a perfect family, and in this situation that was the end of contact for you. My only request to you would be that if she ever does find you, to simply tell her you love her before you tell her goodbye. I think your story is so much different than her story! I respect your decision, you sound like a sain, amazing woman who recognizes your adoption decision. My birthmother brutally disowned me (and she found me) but she had no reason, like you do. The woman in the article/video obviously has some issues to work thru at this point so that she can politely say goodbye to her child.

I have to completely agree with your first few statements and wanted to add my own personal experience with "fighting" the law in regards to adoptive parents and agencies not keeping their commitments and promises in adoption placements. In 2003 I spoke at Capital Hill in Denver Colorado against a legislative bill about to pass which would allow pregnant mother's to sign relinquishment papers before the birth of their child. During that time, I also lobbied that open adoption arrangements be made legally binding in a court of law. My speech was met with hostility, as I was only one of two birth parents speaking and we were up against some of Colorado's largest adoption agencies including state agencies. Needless to say, and disappointing as it were, the bill passed. I'll never forget one of the responses I received from a birthparent counselor after the hearing as she said to me, "Birth mother's think they want to be involved, but for most, it's far too painful and it is always best for them to let go and move on." My mother was with me that day, and she had to grab onto my arms before they went into motion. :) I'm a firm believer, when I made the choice to place my son for adoption I also made a promise to forever be committed to doing what I believed was the best and right thing for him. That continues to be the case even twenty two years later. My choice never ended. I will definitely be going over to the article and joining so that I can respond. Thank you for your response to this post! :) Courtney

You guys to realize that this post is from 2008... Out of all the posters on this thread perhaps two are still active members of a.com with one of them being me. Kind regards,Dickons