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i had an epiphany last night... one of those "a-ha" moments...
it hit me like a ton of bricks... that in spite of any negatives that have come my way from reuniting... even that the reunion completely failed in the end...
that no matter the sadness... no matter the disappointments... no matter the pain.... no matter the additional grief to sort....
i had three years of knowing her.... that is three years more than i ever thought i would have... that is three years more than the 48 hours after her birth....
i know her name.
i know the kind of person she is.
i know what her family is like...
and even though a lot of it hurt like heck...
i wouldn't trade those three years for anything...
there are so many of us here, who would give everything they have for three years... probably for 1 day with their lost son or daughter...
i know what her voice sounds like.
i know what she looks like...
i know how she laughs.
for me, living in darkness was the most painful thing in the world... not knowing what she looked like... not knowing if she were dead or alive... not even knowing her name...
all i had was 48 hours... 48 hours with my newborn daughter... and her newborn face was forever imprinted on my heart.... yet, it never grew up.....
now... i have had three years... her 20 year old face is the image of her i will have for the rest of my life....
and one could argue that i am once again thrust back into darkness... that once again i am not even allowed in the outskirts of her life... i will not know if she gets married... i will not know if she has children... i will not know any more about her than i did when she was 20 years old....
but it is different now.... because now i know.
i don't really think people change all that much when they are adults... and so, knowing her as an adult... and knowing her parents... i guess i figure she's probably not going to change a whole alot from here on out... if she does change, it will probably be to become even more like her parents than she already is....
but this new knowing... it is a good thing....
i am incredibly grateful for those three years... do i wish things had turned out differently? well, of course, i do... but the way they did turn out simply educates me further on who she is... on what kind of person she is... on what her values are... and her character...
so, even in that... i learned more about her...
and that is all good...
knowing... yes, it is a good thing...
i have something that so many of us never will... that so many of us long for ... ache for...
i had the chance to hug my daughter "good night"... to wish her "good morning"...
for three years, i could even wish her "Happy Birthday"... and "Merry Christmas"...
how could i not be grateful for that? how could i not? i waited EIGHTEEN years to be able to do that...
and i am so very grateful.
i may never have these opportunities again... i may never hear her voice again... i may never see her again... i might never hug her again... because, as we all know, there are no guarantee's in life... there isn't any promise that tomorrow will come... we only have today... we never know when our time here will be "up"... and we will be called home...
if our relationship is never reconciled... i hope that she knows that i loved her... and that i was grateful for the three years i had...
i hope that she will remember that i loved her.
j
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Julie, Iam no where NEAR the same person I was at twenty. Twenty is still very young. Just think of the many women that gave up babies at the age of twenty because they were to immature to keep them because of coerecion, money or whatever. To talk to these women today at the age of say 35,40 and they would tell you the years of maturity does change who a person is.AND at the age of 35 or 40 would not lose their child to adoption because of how differnt they are then when they were frightended 20 year olds. I am glad you are grateful, sad it didnt work but I don't think this book is completly done yet.
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well.. not to make this thread about whether or we change from 20... i will agree that we mature... and our behaviors change... but when i think about my core values and character... they are still fairly in line... with when i was that age... it's just now, my behaviors are more in line with my values and character... i don't know if that makes sense...
and if you use the example of women placing a baby for adoption because they were too immature to keep them... gee, that almost seems like a contradiction... doesn't that indicate a pretty good value system? that the core value is that her child have something she can't provide? doesn't that indicate a lot of maturity?
j
julie23
and if you use the example of women placing a baby for adoption because they were too immature to keep them... gee, that almost seems like a contradiction... doesn't that indicate a pretty good value system? that the core value is that her child have something she can't provide? doesn't that indicate a lot of maturity? j
People can and do change and grow
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agathaj
I'm grateful too. I wish I was the real mother but I'm grateful I know she is okay and I am grateful that she is loved and has good parents and by all accounts a pretty good life that they have provided for her.
J, your post was beautiful. I, too, am grateful for my 3 years of reunion with Bdad, and my 20 years with Bmom. Even with all the pain, it was worth it. I came out of it with, not only the knowing, but a Bsis, with whom over the years I have watched grow and we are very close. I have an Baunt and Uncle, whom I cherish and enjoy spending time with. With BDAd's side, it is still too early to tell what will develop. It took years for relationships with other family members on Bmom's side to grow and develop into what they are today. If nothing comes of it, I still have the knowing.
My relationships with my Bparents aren't what I had hoped. They have issues they are not willing to deal with. I understand your comments on personality and character. A core personality/character is one thing. Coping behaviors are another. I agree personality can't be changed, but behavior can. I do not behave today, at over 40, in the same way I did at 20. LIfe's circumstance, events, traumas, etc. changed my behaviors. In short I grew as a person. My personality may be the same but my behavior is not. You are right some people never grow out of adolescent or childish behaviors, but they can if they so choose.
My Bparents do not want to deal with their issues and behaviors. They do not want to see how their behaviors have hurt me. The behaviors are things they learned so that they could cope. Their personality lise underneath those behaviors somewhere. Could it be the same with you DD? Sometimes people do change, and sometimes they don't.
I am so sorry things have not worked out for you, but I am glad you can see the good things...the knowing. I hope someday your DD and my Bparents see what a gift they have taken for granted.
P.S. The obove is just my opinion on personality and behavior.
isabo... i'm afraid i think i like Agatha.... to me "real" means the person doing the mothering... but i am glad that you can see yourself as a "real" mother, too... kudos to you! i think that must be a nice place to be coming from.... like agatha, tho... i'm not there... i wish i were the real mother.... but am grateful for what i have had...
hello shadow.... part of my sadness is that "what could have been" was cut short.... it does take years to develop relationships.... and i suppose i was looking forward to that.. i was looking forward to my raised daughters always knowing their older sister.... i was looking forward to the future....but i am at a point of letting go.... of looking at all the positive... and being very very grateful... in truth, my cup overfloweth... what i was given was way more than i ever dreamt of....
i suspect that my daughter would not accept that she had anything to do with the state of our relationship... i suspect she would think that everything she did was just fine... and somehow, i would be at fault here....
sometimes there is just a time to let go... and i think i am there right now.... i am moving today... the day i moved into this house was the day i found out what she had done.... it was a brutal blow.... and i have spent much of this year trying to sort it out... and now, as i move on with my life... to a new home.. a new city... with a new daughter (not that the baby replaced her.... i don't mean that.)... but rather there is lots of "new"....
and with that new... comes a "good bye" to the past....
i am letting go... i am saying good bye....
j
Julie ~ what a beautiful post. The new way I'm trying to live is by this... Take what comes. And be grateful. Although our stories are different in many ways, I hear this in your writing. Thank you for sharing this morning. I needed the reminder that although things are not always as I want them, there is lots to be grateful for. And I do hope you live blessed...
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i suspect that my daughter would not accept that she had anything to do with the state of our relationship... i suspect she would think that everything she did was just fine... and somehow, i would be at fault here....
Julie,best of luck with all the lovely new 'news'. WE have both been walking through this adoption minefield hoping for a good outcome. There is time for doing and time for resting and time for letting go...I don't think letting go is a bad thing at all...I think it's more of an acceptance of what is. For me it's 'this is how it is and there is nothing i can do to change it because I can't change the other person...' I am big on being grateful and my cup runs over with all the lovely things in my life right now...
bdaughter is getting on with her life too and i hope she's got lots of things to smile about as well...
Julie, as always, it's good to see you posting. As usual, you have me thinking about reunion stories - yours and mine. D has said to me that had we "reunited" when he was 18 or even 25, he doesn't think it would have worked. When I found him it was a Kairotic time (God's time -- the right time). I would have loved to have connected with him when he was 18, but he really wasn't ready. When his parents told him I'd located and contacted them, he appraently showed more emotion about his adoption than he ever had ("She walked out of my life, what makes her think she can walk back into it now." I can imagine it would have been 10 times worse at 18 when he had not yet resolved some teen age issues with his parents.). Of course had we connected at we he was 18 or 25, he would have had an opportunity to meet his birthdad. I was lucky, D's parents and I share similar educational backgrounds and values. (Everytime D complains about how things were growing up, I point out they wouldn't have been any better with me!) I am lucky as well that D has included me in his extended family. (Of course I haven't hit that magic 3 years yet!) He has told me that he thinks I made a good decision in choosing adoption. Here's a paradox: I am not D's Mother (IMO) - but he is my son. I love him as I love all my children, and yet it really is a different relationship. That has its advantages and its disadvantages. The advantage is that we are on more of an equal footing than I am with my raised children. We don't have those buttons that when pushed send us back to childhood or teen conflict. I do also have to remind myself occasionally that I don't have the standing of his mother (handing out motherly advice, for instance). On the other hand, I hear more about challenges with his teenaged stepson than his parents do. (I love it that he trusts me.) I seem to have meandered off topic, sorry. I'm glad you can rejoice in the time you had. As a couple of us have said, there's always hope she'll want a relationship. (Advice: hope but don't expect!) In the meantime, continue what you are doing: living your life as fully as you can... enjoying the girls you are raising.