Including Relinquished Child in Will?

loveajax - I do hope your husband hears from his mom soon. I never thought for one moment that my bson contacting me had anything to do with "financial reward". I have to say that I have prayed and "talked" to him over the years and that is why he may have felt the need to find me (at least I tell myself that I had something to do with it because I didn't feel it was my place to find him). In any event, there may be a few who are searching for a quick buck but, in my experience, and from others I honestly think it's the emotional connection that draws us back together. For me, my bson is very successful and his aparents are much better off then I ever will be but I have always felt that my children will all share equally in my love and my puny leavings. Hopefully, the love part will mean more to all of them! Best wishes!

Thank you, Keds!! What a sweet post! Of course, easy for me to say, I was hoping he was a Rockerfeller by birth!! haha.

Another adoptee’s opinion here…. I am in reunion with my mother and have never had a minute’s thought about money of any kind. What I “need” from my mom is her love and acceptance. I need a relationship with her. An emotional connection. That is all I will ever want. I am taken care of in my parents will and expect my natural mother to name her raised children as her sole heirs. There is another wrinkle to this. If my parents knew that I was heir in any will, other than theirs, that would be very upsetting to them. They take care of their children. They feel very strongly about this and I would never want to do anything that disrespects their feelings on this issue. My parents were “all in” from the day they picked me up from the Children’s Home Society and that continues in death as well. I have not had this conversation with my natural mom and if it should ever come up, I will tell her to leave her estate to her raised children. (In a very loving way of course, cuz I love the "begebbies" out of her :-) ) The only thing I would ever want from my natural mother is something to remember her…a piece of her favorite jewelry or whatever. Just something to hold on too...but not money. K

My first mom has refused contact with me, but even at that I would have NEVER expected to be included in her will. I grew up in a state with wonky estate laws so everyone was really careful about their wills. My parent's lawyer has to hate them.... include two adopted children and your adopted daughter's placed son. I'm guessing he had to do some reading up, lol.

Another reunited adoptee here...I think it would be a personal decision. My Bdad, upon our first face to face, started talking about wanting my SS# so he could change his will. I was quite offended by his mention of it. I ignored all his references and he soon dropped the subject. Shortly after he told me he had taken out a life insurance policy and made me the beneficiary, but he didn't want anyone else to know he had done it. I was a little torn by this. On one hand it was nice of him to think of me. On the other, I was a little angry. I have way too much pride. I did not contact him because I wanted anything other than to know him, my Bfather. He was always bringing up things about when he is gone and the will, bla, bla, until I finally got really angry with him and told him I didn't care and didn't want to hear anymore about his death or his silly will. Maybe it was a guy thing, but give me a break. I think it's kind of funny because he and his wife talked such a big story about how well off they were. Seeing that things weren't adding up, no punn intended, and it being abit of an occupational hazard, my curiosity got the better of me. Sometimes I am worse than a cat. Anyway, in my occupation, I sort of have access to certain things, so I did some research. Nearest I can tell, he isn't exactly as well off as his wife and her offspring think, and my guess is that the only person who wont be disappointed about what they get upon his death, is me. I have no proof, but I would be surprised if there was really a life insurance policy, and right now, considering the state of my relationship with him, well, I would hate to think of were I might want to stick that policy. Hmmm, guess I'm still a little miffed about the whole thing. My Bmom gave me a dining table and chairs made by my Bgrandfather. When I'm gone it goes to my Bsis or Bbro. I expect nothing else from her, and there again, most of what she will have will be sentimental things that belong to my Bsibs not me. They have the history with her and her belongings. I don't. My Afather passed about 4 years ago. His family, excluding my Amom, me, and my Abro, all seemed to be under the impression that he had money and other things of value. Interesting thing is, he didn't. They flocked in like volchers and went home hungry. It cost me mega bucks and two years of heck, to get his estate straightened out because he did not have a legal will. I kept telling the volchers he had nothing. You wouldn't believe the crazy things they did trying to get things that didn't exist. My point, if you don't have a will, get one. The moral, if you expect nothing, you wont be disappointed whenyou get nothing. P.S. If you want to put your relinquished child in your will, it is your right to do so, but I wouldn't suggest telling them on your first face to face. I found the whole incident with my Bdad very offensive and insulting. I wont say don't tell, just wait a good while before doing so. Let the relationship develop first.

keds, That was a very nice post!

loveis, I do not feel that my son is a stranger. I want to include my son in my will--in my heart and mind he IS my son. I just never saw any discussion of this before and am wondering what legal complications there are in trying to say that your relinquished child is your child and heir along with your other children (don't know if that made sense), since legally he is not. I don't know how the adoptive parents feel about it--would I be "stepping on their toes" and "trying to take him back"? My son may feel like he should be in his aparents will, and not mine; but I worry that if he were not included in mine he may feel like that I did not love him as my child and he may feel like I was leaving him again and that he didn't truly belong to me and the rest of his biological family (which LOL, he is so much like!). I'm just trying to get a understanding of how to do this and not insult or hurt anyone. I love my son NEVER want to hurt him.

As an adoptive mother, I was tickled to be told that my dd has been added to her Great Gma's will. I am sure it won't be much but she will get an equal share as the other Great Grandchildren. She will also get some of her jewlery. We have an open adoption so the GG's position hasn't changed regardless of the legal documents we have that say otherwise. (It does help that Em told everyone at a family reunion when she was 3 that she "loves GG the most b/c she wipes her booty really good". LOL)

Tudu - I have to laugh... I read that you were "ticked" (not tickled). I actually read "ticked" 3x's and was thinking "what the problem???" LOL It had me worried for a second - Like I was breaking a rule I didn't know about b/c I want to leave my son an heirloom. Whew!!

Mockingbird, I'm no expert, but I would think you could put anyone in your will you wanted. As long as it was a "legally binding" will, it should stand up in court. It could be contested, but a judge would then have the final decision. A lawyer should be able to verify exactly what the law would state. As far as the adoptive parents, I don't think you should worry about them. Do what your heart tells you to do. It's your estate. If it offends them, I would think that would be there problem to deal with. JMO, but what you do with your estate is really none of their business. You don't have to tell them. I can't speak for your Bchild but, I think I'm fairly safe in saying that most adoptees don't search or reunite thinking about bio parents estates and being included in wills. If that were so, what would it say about the kind of person your bchild was. I understand your concern about your Bc's feelings, but I think the type of relationship the two of you develop will play a much bigger role in his/her feelings. I'm probably not explaining this well. JMO, your will and estate are about what you want, not what others want. JMO, I think you should do what is in your heart. Keep in mind that you don't have to tell anyone. Your will, your estate, is yours to do with as you choose. As an reunited adoptee, I would prefer not to know about such things, especially in the beginning of reunion. It's not something I want to focus on. The actual relationship is way more important. Again, JMO

From an adoptee... The only thing I can think of that would have been special is a letter to me and perhaps a small momento, something my birthmother cherished or always made her smile. I have momento's from all the special people in my life who have passed on...they are my most prized possessions even though they have minimal value to others. Kind regards,Dickons

Good point Dickons! I spoke with my 2 raised children and asked what they would like (momento wise) and then I made a suggestion for my bson and they both agreed and thought it was perfect (closest to my heart but more appropriate for a son than a daughter). Anyway, I have not told my bson about changing my will as I think it may make him feel uncomfortable as our reunion is still in the early stages. I can say that my former will (and hubby's) all read "all children from our relationship" so there was never any doubt. We've been together 29 years and are "comfortable" but it's not about the money for me. It's difficult to express in words, he was, is and always be part of me, as are my other kids/adults. I guess I'm not clear but they understand and that's most important to me. Of course, I completely understand the "stranger" posts.

I'm still undecided. If I die first my husband gets the cash& vice/versa While I think of my b.daughter (I hate to use that name) as much my child as the son that I raised and would like her to share equally- I don't have a lot. (I also have step children). Both my kids are well educated and live comfortably. While my son was growing up we had the basics but not much else. B.daughter was adopted by people with plenty. For this reason I'd kind of like to leave what few $$ I have to my son. Also I doubt if my son's dad will have anything to leave him (we divorced years ago). My daughter told me early on that she didn't want to interfere with anyone's inherritance. (I was trying to give her something- I don't remember what) Anyway I hope she ment it in case I leave it all to my son and step-children. Even though I'm only 56 I've already started giving sentamental items away for my loved ones to enjoy now. That includes my b.daughter. Oh yes in Texas it is illegal to exclude adopted children from your will-I think that is directed at a.parents. I guess I should consult an attorney to be sure.-Patty

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I don't have a will as of yet. However, with that being said. She is the ben. of my 401K. I told Supergirls' Mom about when I did it a few years ago.[/FONT]

I feel very strongly about this issue. I was reunited with my firstborn daughter 20 years ago. Before our reunion was even totally cemented, my parents and I changed our wills to include her. (My family was not rich, but we were comfortable. Her a'father was basically penniless at the end and her a'mother's pension is being eaten up caring for her with Alzheimer's. None of those conditions existed when we changed our wills. It wouldn't have mattered to me if they had been wealthy. My decision would have been the same.) My firstborn was, is and always will be my child. When my parents died, she and my other two children received special family heirlooms. When I pass on...they and their children will share equally in anything that may be left. To have done anything differently would to me giving a final affirmation that somehow she was less my child than the others. Don't mean to offend anyone. Just my feelings and opinion. We all have to do what we think is right, whatever that is.