Adoptive Parents: Do You Recognize Your Child's Biological Father?

We don't have any information about the girls' birthfather. Their birthmom told me his name at one point, but I can't remember it. He was a "one-night stand" and was not involved with their birthmom or the pregnancy.

No. We do not acknowledge birthparents on either day. I did send a happy Mother's Day message to T on facebook - as I did with all my friends, not because she is M's birthmom. She had her baby just a few days before Mother's day this year.

I sent cards this year to both boys bmoms for Mother's Day. I have not, nor do I plan to, acknowledge Father's Day. Both boys were born in a state where the mom is not required to name a father. So, neither did and both were terminated via the registry. Cameron's parents are married, so I could, but he asked not to be named and wanted no contact whatsoever. I don't even know his last name. Everything is sent to mom with her maiden name. If we one day have a father that is involved, he would get a card as the mothers that are involved get for Mother's day. (Possibly more than a card if the relationship was at that point. None are at this time.) Hope that helps.

My kiddo's father could be one of two men and both wanted nothing to do with her. We also don't have contact with her birthmom because, my kiddo was removed by the state and the birthmom has never stopped taking drugs, so no. BUT....I am entering another foster/adoption soon and I do want to remain congnizant of the birth parents and the potential to keep them in our lives.I think when it comes to foster adoptions the fathers are given very few options. They are told, "raise the child", "have a relative raise the child" or "surrender your rights". Sadly most on are notice and are notified of the terminiation of rights by newspaper ads in random newspapers.

Hi, I'm really torn about mothers day because I think it is for a child to honor his mother (s) not for me to do it but this year she was so hurt I decided that in the future for sure I will send a card (I send cards and gifts on her bday, xmas and will on his bdays).So that makes me doubly torn about MY sending a card on DS's behalf (since that is what I think the holiday is about) when he has denied to anyone but us and DS's birthmother that he is the father. He lives with his parents who are still being told he's NOT the father, that he was just helping out a friend who was pregnant....So it's hard to send him things without getting into a messy family situation.PS DH doesn't give me a mothers day card from our son....when he's old enough to make me a card etc. if he wants to he can for me and for his birth mother. And I pray by then his birthfather is more accessible because he's really a great guy in most respects! He certainly loves E.

[LIST=1][*]A male person whose sperm unites with an egg, resulting in the conception of a child.[*]A man who adopts a child.[*]A man who raises a child[/LIST] Although "C", is my daughter's biological father, I do not "recognize" him on father's day. This is a day that the men who are actively involved in my daughter's life and who love and adore her (daddy, poppy, uncle) get honored. I tend to think of "C" more of a sperm donor than anything else. That being said, I have emotional connection with Dee. So I do recognize her on mother's day as being Sarah's first mother. Do you recognize your daughter's bio father on father's day?

Yes, I do. He's not currently involved but his emotions are complex and they are his own. I won't speak for him more than to say he is heartbroken.

I did an international adoption so my recognition and involvement with the bio family is very different then those who have done domestic adoptions. I do not celebrate father's day for her bio dad. However, I do have more of a connection with her bio dad then with her bio mom. Her bio mom died just prior to placement for adoption so I have no connection with her. I do believe her bio mom loved her immensely so I talk about her fondly with my daughter. However, I am trying to connect with bio dad as he is the one that made the decision to relinquish. And as a single mom, my daughter has no adoptive dad so the only dad she will ever have is a bio dad. As an adult adoptee I do not celebrate my bio parents on mother's and father's days -- and never did. They are both dead now but for me those days are reserved for my adoptive parents. But that has more to do with the relationships then biology. Samantha

Hi Jenna - thanks for starting this really interesting discussion. I don't think there are any right answers, so to speak, just what's right for that specific family. Our son's family does not acknowledge either myself or bdad on any holiday except Christmas. We get a very small keepsake gift then.

OK, I lied... So I told DH last night, "I have to pick up a gift card for DD's birth dad. I'm so behind the 8 ball." DH says, "I don't think you should send him anything." I said, "what? what about our conversation after the visit?" Dh says, "I never said that." (believe me, I know exactly what he said). I said, "well, how about we just send an ecard at least." DH, "I don't think that is a good idea, but I know you, and you will just do what you want anyway." I am really, really annoyed with DH. I'm not sure what the heck to do. I mean to me this is HIS day and I don't want to upset him, but I just think it's so rude. ACK!

We don't. One is unknown. The other walked away and we don't know where he is.

Aw Love, I'm sorry that this has all of a sudden created tension! (Especially when you were so pleased at what you had previously discussed!) (((((hugs)))))

Jenna, I just realized that I've sent S a mother's Day card in the past, but I've not sent one to R for father's Day. I'm not sure why, except that I was working hard to let S know I consider her D's mom. R and I have a different molre comfortable relationship, maybe because we are colleagues as well. I love to watch D's dad with the grandkids. I think I need to send him an Ecard, lol. D's birth dad is dead so he couldn't send him anything if he wanted to.

Last year, my son's firstparents were still together. I spent the Saturday before MOther's day with my son and his bmom. My husband and son spent the Saturday before Father's day with my son's bdad. This year, they are broken up and bdad rarely responds to our e-mails. I sent him one 2 days ago asking if he wants a visit, if he still wants pictures, if he would like us to send more information etc. but have gotten no response. I hear about him 2nd hand from our son's bmom who is still in love with him although he has treated her badly as of late (he was good to her during the pregnancy). Basically, he has made it clear he wants the break up but she has continued contact. She has had a hard time because they went through so much together and he now doesn't want to talk about it. Anyway, I gave her a silver bracelet with our son's birthstone in it for mother's day this year and we spent the day togteher again (Saturday) but I have been hesitant about sending something to our son's bdad because he has not responded to my e-mails (my dh sent one too) so we don't want to force him into somehting he is not comfortable with. I have often wondered how our son is going to feel since he'll have a good relationship with his firstmom. I don't want him to feel rejected by firstdad. But firstdad never knew his own father so I feel like he never had anyone show him how to stick around. He does have our son's name tattooed (in HUGE letters!) across his chest, which he did right after our son's birth...he told our son's birthmom that it is awkward explaining it to potential dates (do young people think about the long term effects of tattoos? ah, another topic for discussion) but I think it will be something our son will see in the future which will show him in a special way that his first dad has always loved him. I'm getting kind of teary about this right now...I really want ds and his firstdad to have a relationship but I can't force it. And men are such mysterious creatures when it somes to emotions. Thanks for the question...sorry about the long answer.

In our situation, we haven't acknowledged either post-TPR because (1) it would be tremendously hurtful coming from us and received as a taunt, (2) it might reinforce and validate some very unhealthy attitudes and behaviors, (3) (most important, really) in our case, the child really needs clarity in language and roles as a part of the foundation for the security she needs to grow. In future, if fd/future dd wants to send something (she hasn't since TPR, and pre-TPR she wasn't really self-initiating on this, either), then we wouldn't stop her but we would have conversation around it. Yes, this is a f-a situation, but please don't dismiss it as "non-applicable" because of a judgment you may be making on the parents. It has nothing to do with the parents' issues that led to her removal...it has much more to do with the issues that I think relate to the open adoptions of many older children and that I could see relating to many other kinds of adoptions where the feelings and viewpoints of the adults involved are very ambiguous and that can't help but have some affect on the child. In all cases, what matters is having as honest a take as possible on how the child is receiving or is affected by the action.