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Just a little history... We adopted through foster care over 11 years ago. Our son is now an adult (19 years old). He was removed from his bio fathers care due to abuse and neglect. BF spent over a year in prison because of the severity of the abuse. His Bio Mother was the non offending parent, but never came forward at any time to actually have a case plan. Her parental rights were terminated after many attempts to contact her. Eventually, an ad had to be placed in the newspaper.
BF passed away shortly after we adopted. Then many family members came forward and wanted a relationship with AS. He has a very close relationship with many on BF's side of the family. They explained that they did not feel it was safe for our son to have contact wile his BF was alive. Within the past year he developed a close relationship with his Uncle (BIO Moms brother). He has been very vocal in letting everyone know that he does not want to contact his Bio Mom and his Uncle is supportive of his choice. He has always been angry with her for leaving his abusive bio father but leaving him there.
She found AS on FB through the Uncle and contacted him a few times until he blocked her. Now, I just recently found a message in my other folder on FB and she is asking me to have AS contact her. She states that she knows he is hurt and she wants me to help facilitate contact. I am not a cold or heartless person, I truly feel for her, but I don't feel comfortable being in the middle of this.
AS has had years and years of counseling to help with his anger towards her and finally seems to be on a good path in life. I haven't told him of the message. He is in the USMC and in the middle of some extensive training right now. I don't want to add to the stress he is under.
I guess my question is, how do I respond to her? I don't want to hurt her anymore than she's already hurting, but I think since our son is now an adult, it isn't my place to facilitate contact with her. Part of me wants to ignore the message, but another part feels that's cruel to her.
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Thank you so much for the replies. I think I am just going to pretend like I didn't get the message. I have to agree with the issue of breaking my sons trust if I start corresponding with her. He already has trust issues and we have come such a long way for me to chance him feeling like I am betraying his trust in me. Thanks again. It really helped to hear others opinions.
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Has he said he doesn't want you to communicate with her, or just that he doesn't want to? Getting out of an abusive relationship is hard. Most fatalities happen when the victim is trying to leave. I know that my ex told me that if I ever left him, not only would he make sure I lost the kids, but that he was going to brainwash them to hate me. Using kids as pawns in their game is part of the power/control wheel of abuse- and from that perspective, if your son can get to a point that he can forgive his birth mom, that's undoing part of his birth father's abuse of both of them, the whole mind game. My ex used to call it "people chess". I hope all the remnants of that manipulation can be vanquished from your son's psyche.
OP, I completely agree to ignore this. You are his mother, he's made that clear, and he doesn't want bio contact. He's a man now, and the decision is his. The best support you can be is to love and respect the people he does choose to have in his life. You are right, he doesn't need the stress, especially right now.
eomaia
Has he said he doesn't want you to communicate with her, or just that he doesn't want to?
Getting out of an abusive relationship is hard. Most fatalities happen when the victim is trying to leave. I know that my ex told me that if I ever left him, not only would he make sure I lost the kids, but that he was going to brainwash them to hate me. Using kids as pawns in their game is part of the power/control wheel of abuse- and from that perspective, if your son can get to a point that he can forgive his birth mom, that's undoing part of his birth father's abuse of both of them, the whole mind game. My ex used to call it "people chess". I hope all the remnants of that manipulation can be vanquished from your son's psyche.
servnjah
Dear birth mom,
I hear your pain and understand you want a relationship with Son. As he is an adult, a relationship with you is really his choice to make. I will support him regardless of his choice. He knows you are interested and I will let him know you messaged me. That really is the extent I can be involved though.
I do feel for you and I wish you well.
Signed....
And then tell son when you feel the timing is appropriate.
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eomaia
Has he said he doesn't want you to communicate with her, or just that he doesn't want to? Getting out of an abusive relationship is hard. Most fatalities happen when the victim is trying to leave. I know that my ex told me that if I ever left him, not only would he make sure I lost the kids, but that he was going to brainwash them to hate me. Using kids as pawns in their game is part of the power/control wheel of abuse- and from that perspective, if your son can get to a point that he can forgive his birth mom, that's undoing part of his birth father's abuse of both of them, the whole mind game. My ex used to call it "people chess". I hope all the remnants of that manipulation can be vanquished from your son's psyche.
PinkStar412
I disagree with you that not wanting contact is part of dad's manipulation on this now-adult young man.
OP, It sounds to me like he is doing very well for himself, he knows who his mom is, and he wants no contact with bio-mom because he doesn't want to deal with the stress and drama.
Furthermore, I see her contacting you AFTER HE BLOCKED HER as a manipulation tactic on her end.
It sounds like she hasn't grieved the full loss of her child and until she does that, contact isn't necessarily healthy.
But it's not about getting over anything... it's about the fact that it's not alright to continue attempting to push contact on someone who has asked you not to contact them. That's really the bottom line here.I'm sure the first mom does have issues with the situation that she needs to work through, but she's going to have to find some way of doing that that doesn't involve dragging a non-consenting person into it.The fact that he's her son or that she's hurting doesn't mean that his consent to contact isn't necessary. I'm sure her motives are good, but her actions are violating boundaries and the adoptive mom should not, in my opinion, enable that violation.
It's not his job to fix her emotional baggage. Speaking as an adult adoptee whose birthmother thought it was okay to use me as a way to fix HER issues- I can tell you 100% that it's not his job to do that.Contact post adoption should be ENTIRELY child led (in the case where the child has reached consenting age or in an OA). I understand and empathize with her needing to resolve issues- but that's what therapy is for.
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servnjah
Dear birth mom,
I hear your pain and understand you want a relationship with Son. As he is an adult, a relationship with you is really his choice to make. I will support him regardless of his choice. He knows you are interested and I will let him know you messaged me. That really is the extent I can be involved though.
I do feel for you and I wish you well.
Signed....
And then tell son when you feel the timing is appropriate.
PinkStar412
It's not his job to fix her emotional baggage...I understand and empathize with her needing to resolve issues- but that's what therapy is for.
Like I said, I am not unfeeling towards her. I wish AS would have some type of contact with her, but my first responsibility is towards him and I need to respect his wishes. I worry that even if I send a brief response to her, he will see that as a betrayal on my part. If AS were here, I would just ask him what he would like me to do. My guess is he would say ignore her, but who knows. But since he is so far away training, contact with him is hit and miss right now and this isn't the type of thing I want to ask him via text message. I wish I would have seen the message while he was home on leave over the holidays so we could have talked about it.
I agree with PPs. The bm should find a good therapist and talk to them. MAYBE one day DS will be ready to hear what she has to say, and if he never does that's fine too. The fact is the bm abandoned him to a torture chamber. DS is the victim here. Victims should not have to be forced to placate their perpetrators guilt.
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I would tell her that your son is an adult. He will contact her if he ever decides to talk. It's not your decision and you don't want to be involved. She shouldn't be putting you in the middle. She knows how your son feels. He's still a baby. 19 is still a baby. He has so much growing up to do. Maybe, someday, he'll want to talk. Maybe he'll never want to see her again. You are respectin his choices. His bio mom should be doing the same. She shouldn't be interfering in is life if he doesn't want her there. If she continues to contact him, he should get a restraining order.
Blue_Suede_Shoes
But it's not about getting over anything... it's about the fact that it's not alright to continue attempting to push contact on someone who has asked you not to contact them. That's really the bottom line here. I'm sure the first mom does have issues with the situation that she needs to work through, but she's going to have to find some way of doing that that doesn't involve dragging a non-consenting person into it. The fact that he's her son or that she's hurting doesn't mean that his consent to contact isn't necessary. I'm sure her motives are good, but her actions are violating boundaries and the adoptive mom should not, in my opinion, enable that violation.