Acceptable Amount of Time for Reply

Oh, Jenna, I'm sorry - sounds like something is not getting resolved. I would say if the person needs more time than a week or so, it would only be kind and respectful to e-mail and say "I'm still mulling it over; give me a little more time." I do hope you get a response soon. (((hugs)))

sorry to boggle;~((

And how would you know that it is not necessary? This makes my mind boggle.

I'm not sure of the background, but is there some sort of pullback going on?? I mean, what is the person trying to process that they need to figure out? Forgive me, but I don't recall the history here and I may not have read any of the background posts. I really can't put a time limit on when someone will be ready to process something. I'm waiting to get an email from my son for over a year. Obviously, he's just not ready. I don't think he's being rude. I think in theory, he'd like to open the lines of communication, but in practice, it's much harder. So I figure when he's ready, he will be ready and if he's not, he's not.

If you asked somebody out on a date, then an answer by Thursday night would be good, and, yes, if somebody failed to answer in a week or so to a future date or plan, that could be rude. But given the context of this forum, I'd guess we are not talking about a social inquiry. So I don't think social norms such as "polite" or "rude" necessarily apply. Certainly, I would never apply them in our situation--it is just the wrong context. So, at least for us, I really think it depends on what is being asked. I think the number of times people are deliberately "rude" or hurtful in these relationships are actually rare. I think more often the other party has misunderstood the question in the first place or has greater difficulty with what we are asking than we realize. Sometimes they think they must give an absolute or black-and-white answer when there just isn't one--the answer may be, "let's see what happens" or something similar but they don't realize that that would be OK. Personally, when I am feeling that I have been treated "rudely," even when it is, in a sense, deliberately hurtful because the other person is striking out, it is usually because I so very much want the other person to respond when maybe they need not to or just simply aren't capable--my frustration translates into a perception of their wrongdoing. When I feel that way, I try to back up and see it differently. I also know that in the reverse situation, I sometimes receive a question that I don't expect or know what to do with as an attack or a hostile demand or an attempt at manipulation or a revelation of my personal failure to know my own mind. Sometimes those are unfair reactions on my part, rooted in the basic truth that whatever the question is, I just don't want to or can't deal with it at the time. Where so many of us are dealing with life-turning questions in these relationships, when even the choice of whether to respond to a certain question at all, let alone what that response should be, can be life-turning for the other person in ways we just don't even see, the concept of "polite" and "rude" or the perception of rude intent would often be misplaced, I think. In our case, thinking and processing different things on both sides can and has taken months and back-and-forth communication during that time is not always helpful. We are working on a reply to something now that is nine months in and will probably be a year before a definite and clear reply can start. There has been some back and forth, but it has been very, very careful, at least on our side. For us, sometimes it is just hands off and stand back for awhile. It helps me to remember that it is never over until it is over. And that sometimes the sauce just needs to simmer. And, finally, that the other party may never be able to give what we're looking for--that in the end, we may have to find a way to fulfill certain needs without them. That last thought is like an insurance policy, helping to take the urgency off my wants and temper my expectations to realistic proportions. It's hard, and I know I've often been tempted to say--and probably have said--"I quit," too. Lately, I've been happier thinking, "I'll let it be." Sometimes what it becomes can be surprising and wonderful. Sometimes there is no more than my own peace of mind. Either way, "let it be" feels better to me than "I quit."

I would say a week.(((Jenna)))

I would think no longer than a week without a reply saying "I'm still thinking, etc but will get back to you" but that's just me. I hope everything's okay Jenna. ((((HUGS))))

I'm not sure I understand how it helps either party for anyone to draw a timeline and say, "if the other crosses this line, then I will (or "you should") choose to decide their intent is to disrespect me and I will choose to be hurt, offended, or defeated by that," instead of something more like, "I really wish they would respond and I am sorry they have not but I will let that be and simply go on with my business." Maybe the other party is being deliberately rude or hurtful and maybe they have their own reasons for that that they may or may not eventually get over. Maybe what seemed like a simple question to the op hit them differently in a very startling or off-putting way. Maybe they are just confused. Maybe a lot of things. I have found in our case that if I let that be for the moment, then later, when/if the other person is ready to re-engage, it is much easier to go forward. That doesn't mean being a doormat, not at all. There are times when one has to stand up for oneself or walk away. I just don't see the point of filling up what is essentially a void with the kind of negativity that just makes it harder to manage the relationship in a way that doesn't hurt ourselves with toxic feelings based on unknowns. Because no matter who does what and even if we don't engage with each other for the next 50 years, that is still a relationship and it still has some kind of impact on our own lives. More often, though, at least in my experience, things are always changing and evolving so it just doesn't make sense to slam any doors. I'd also like to say that in these couple of posts, I am as much reminding myself of what I think in calmer moments and how I want to be and need to be for my own sanity, that is, supporting myself, as I am trying to be helpfully supportive of the op.

I don't think you can really give a definite timeline on letting someone figure something out. If they need time - they need time. Heck - I asked my sister-in-law a few weeks ago if they'd watch ds for a weekend in august. I called the other day to see if they had decided- they are STILL thinking about it. And that is sooo not a big thing. I would assume your issue is a bigger one. Give them time and assume that their intents are good.

To me, I think it would depend on the issue. But I agree that it would be nice to hear, "I still don't know how I feel" or something rather than to be left hanging.

I think anything is better then silence. Even if they are still thinking about it it would be nice to just say so.

It would be helpful to know what the issue is. If it is a complex situation, I would say it's very difficult to put a timeline on someone. I think Hadley2 summed it up very nicely.

I believe about a week is acceptable. Anything longer than warrants an email saying, "I'm thinking about this get back to you soon......."

I agree that the bigger the issue, yes, the more time it may take, but also the more respect you should have for the feelings of the person waiting desperately for an answer. When my first visit with Cupcake getting pushed further and further back I sent a letter asking some questions that meant a great deal. Waiting two months for an answer was brutal. I understand that Cupcake's Mom might have needed some serious time to think about what she wanted with regards to openess and our future, but SOME kind of an update would have been so appreciated. I took the silence to mean that she was reconsidering any openess at all. It was a very hard time for me....Thankfully it didn't mean that, but it was scary and hard and to be honest it did affect the trust I was working on building at that time. So I do see both sides, how it is hard to put a timeline on someone but out of respect, if it were me that should be answering something, I would have to at least update to say, "Still thinking about it" or "I need to take more time."

I too, do not understand the silences, after an email, card, phone call or gift is sent to them. and when simple questions are asked as an incentive for them to write back even....why do they stall, why do they withhold their response...why do they not acknowledge the other person.....can't they see that we are reaching out ?? How can one ask for a reunion....and then just up and quit when every little thing does not go their way, they hold things secretly inside instead of trying to work on the communications for this new relationship to thrive.Did they live in a dream world before hand of how it will all be in their mind...and if it does not all come about as planned they are not going to play anymore and even punish you for not playing the part they dreamed up of you???? so then you go into pull-back and hide behind it, like a child hiding behind a tree and peeking out now and then to make sure we are still there.....but you are not a child anymore...and we have feelings too, and what you are doing is causing pain...and what happens when and if you peek out and what you are looking for...... is finally gone?