In Family Adoptions, Good Idea or Bad?

That is totally uncalled for. I am not the only one who has said she didn't understand your question, either, and I was only asking for clarification, albeit implicitly. So, yes, as a matter of fact, I am trying to understand the question! I'm happy to debate issues respectfully, but if you must resort to yelling in your posts and being rude, I'd rather you didn't respond to me.

Yep, I quoted myself, because I REALLY am trying to have a meaningful conversation about this....

I agree Peachy...I do believe that some of us really are trying to engage in discussion/debate about these issues but it's challenging if all we're doing is picking apart sentences and arguing semantics. **ETA: Not pointing at YOU Peachy, or anyone really. Just truly trying to get things moving in a productive direction :flowergift:

Okay...I have no idea what threads are prompting some of the hositility here (too many to count) and quite frankly I don't care because our rules on thread battles etc. are quite clear. This thread has a specific topic to address a specific question and that needs to be the discussion of the thread. Let's just toss out the whole concept of other threads and discuss the TOPIC. Here's the TOPIC in case anyone here is confused. In Family Adoptions - Good or Bad?

Why do some people have the right to be born into a rich family? A thin family? I've always wondered these things? I didn't ask to be a part of my family. I was born into it and had no say. I had an aunt who adopted her grandchild. It severed the relationship with my cousin, who was on drugs. My aunt found out she was going to die with cancer when the child she adopted was 5. Anyone in our family would have adopted her but she made the choice to go outside the family. She never regretted adopting her but knew that family issues would keep coming up. She also knew had she let the child be adopted by 'strangers' at birth, she wouldn't have suffered such a great loss again. Each situation is so different. Nobody has any clue what life is like for another person. What may be right for our family may never fit yours.

Let me start out by saying to Karsonsmom~if I miscontrued your post I am very sorry. Maybe you could explain it better to me. As an amom in a relative adoption, I would like to share my story and some of the reasons why I do not recommend it. My step-son and his girlfriend had a baby last year. They were going to raise him but they didn't know if they would stay together or not. 6 weeks after he was born, they decided it was too hard to raise a child. They planned on placing him for adoption. At first, my cousin was going to adopt him. We found out that the fmom had Indian blood and her family was registered with an Indian Nation, so it had to be a blood relative who adopted him. It was a shock to us. We knew NOTHING about that! My dh wanted to adopt him, but I didn't. He wanted to keep him in the family and be able to know how he was doing. I felt that my cousin would keep us updated and that was good enough. For me~not him. We decided to adopt him because his fparents didn't care if they sent him to the Indian Nation. Even I couldn't live with that. So we went through 2 lawyers, 7 weeks and $5400 to adopt a baby I was already resenting because I didn't want another child and I felt I had been backed into a corner. I also had a lot of added pressure from the fparents to visit and act like parents for an hour of the weekend while I did all the work with my other 4 kids, house, husband and 2 dogs. Well, the adoption went final in October. I thought I would be sooo much better knowing they couldn't come and take him away. I thought maybe now I could bond with this baby. It didn't happen! I sunk deep into a depression and I realized why people do drugs or drink to excess. I actually thought more than once that a beer in the middle of the night would help me. I didn't do it, but I came really close. I cried everyday, but put on a happy face for my husband. Finally in December, after a horrible Christmas and thoughts of running away from all of this mess, I told my husband how I felt. I told him how I resented him~not the baby! How I wanted to have a life of my own finally. I was jealous of him getting to go to work! I wanted to get a job for the first time in my life, but I couldn't. (I don't believe in daycare or having a child then putting them in daycare for somebody else to raise~my opinion only :) ) I decided to go to counseling and get some help. It really only helped me because it got me out of the house for 2 hours a week. Oh, how I looked forward to Thursday nights! I guess I talked a good game because 2 months later, I was ready to implement all that I had learned. Yeah, right! I went back to crying 3 weeks later and not being able to cope with my guilt or resentment (2 emotions that really don't belong together) towards EVERYBODY in this story. I went to my doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant. 3 weeks later, that dose was upped. A month after that, I was put on an additional anti-depressant! FUN FUN!!! During all of this, I was recieving emails and threatening phone calls from the fparents and both bgrandmas. I wa s the bad guy now! I was called every name in the book because I wouldn't drive 4 hours so they could visit him. We would not let them in our home because the fparents stole from us and our kids, so we offered to meet them at a resturant close to our house. At the resturant, I was told that I would NEVER be him mother. That she was his mom and she gave us the priviledge of raising him! WHAT!!! This from the girl who didn't want him. We talked and decided to have f2f visits twice a year and 4 updates. It was all decided. Then, that wasn't good enough anymore. Back to the threatening emails and phone calls. Why did we put up with so much? Because that is his son. Finally, my dh put his foot down and things were really quiet for about 2 months. 2 weeks ago, fmom showed up at my house with fgrandma. Unannounced! Now, before the anti-depressant, I would have been shaking and sick to my stomach. I actually took it well. Well, as good as I could. That was also the day she asked if we would be interested in raising their new baby due in 3 months! Was she kidding? NO! I said forget it! Not even for a million dollars! I have my hands full and I don't need anymore grief for doing what they wanted me to do! In my experience, relative adoption puts too much of a strain on a marriage, the other children involved and of course the fparents. How do you draw a line between being a parent to the baby vs. your older child? I also think it is going to be too confusing for my son when he is older. So after reading all of this (if you made it that far) I think you can see why I think relative adoption by a grandparent is for the birds. On a much lighter note, I am better! I have bonded very well with my son and I haven't had the urge to run away since March!

Sorry y'all! I had no idea I wrote so much! :)

jjsmom3, good grief you deserve to be sainted! Do you call the baby's bio father daddy or brother? I guess it doesn't matter yet but it will someday. I know a family in the same situation. The kids call grandparents mom and dad and bio parents mom and dad. I have wondered how it is when bio dad calls his parents mom or dad then bio grandkids do the same. This family did end up with 2 more sibs in the fashion that you were invited to raise the next one. Bless your strength, woman. Congratulations on your recovery.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I guess I'd been mostly thinking about my experiences and how I feel as a birthmother. It's interesting to hear from another perspective.

Dear jjsmom, Sounds like you've really been through the emotional wringer!! Kudos to you for the way you've handled it all! Janey

Oh gosh! I hope I didn't come across as not thinking about how a birthmom would feel! If I did, I'm sorry! Part of my guilt was because of J's bmom. I worried so much about her feelings and if she really knew what she was doing. I had to come to and terms with what they did as a parent to my own kids. This is a preface to what I'm about to write: I was a single mom at 18 and my parents pushed me to place my son for adoption. I couldn't do it and my parents were really supportive of us. This might sound harsh but I don't mean it too. I was angry with J's bparents because I raised my son by myself, his dad was long gone, but they didn't even want to try and they had decided to stay together at that point. I really felt like they were selfish and didn't care about anything beyond themselves. I'll say this, if I were to place a child, I would never let my family have him/her. I commend the moms and dads who place their children with a non-family member. I don't think I could live with the not knowing and I don't know how y'all did it. But, I also see why someone would choose to place within the family. You would always know how your child is, but not being able to parent your child would be a killer.

I think you came across just fine!! :-) It's different in every situation and I COMPLETELY understand the frustrations you've had. It feels to me like you are supportive and an understanding person, but, you know, people can only do so much. Good grief, family stealing from your home? Harrassing you? I totally get your viewpoint. I'm also glad you've gotten some help and are hanging in there. It can be really tough with little ones, they take so much time and energy.

Hey jjsmom3! You didn't come across badly at all. On the contrary, I think you've done a heck of a job under the circumstances. I really meant it. Kudos to you!! :-) Janey

Thanks y'all!

Teenagers need a family and a home to..just because they are older doesnt mean you should discriminate them because of their age....many people who adopt want younger kids and infants so that the child has time to grow up and look to their adoptive parents as their real parents..maybe the teenager you may end up adopting will think this " this is the only family i got, at least someone wants me, at least someone wants to give me a chance, at least someone out in the world cares...."