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I wasn't exactly sure where to put this, so if it doesn't belong here, or you have any suggestions, feel free! My niece, who is almost 16, is working with me part time this summer. I like her a lot, she's a sweet kid, pretty, smart, good work ethic etc etc. But she's at that age where she is pushing boundaries big time. Recently, it's been the experimentation with alcohol. A few weeks ago, she went too far with it, and it involved an ER trip, and potentially put her life in danger. It's a family issue that is being dealt with, and her parents have been dealing with it appropriately. I have not gotten directly involved in any of it, she knows I am aware of what happened, her punishement etc, and I don't bring it up, but she has alluded to it here and there. We talk openly, so she knows that if she does want to talk, I'm there for her. I have stayed out of her business at work, letting her do what she has to do without my interference. Her dept. is not exactly our strongest one, and I know it comes under scrutiny a lot so I try to tell her a heads up if I know that some fall out is coming her way. (ie: Keep busy, the managers are watching) I know that she is trying hard to fit into a new environment, and there are times when she follows the crowd and slacks off, but it's not my business to get involved, as I'm not her manager. She in turn spills a LOT of gossip to me as to who is doing what, which I also keep to myself because I don't want her to be known as a rat. I try to be honest with her and tell her who are the right people to stay alinged with and listen to, and one of my friends whom she likes a lot looks out for her. Unfortunately, she's away this week. Today, we were not even out of the office when she tells me that "D" offered to buy her alcohol. If there is ANYONE in my office I have tried to subtly warn her about and distrust, it's this guy. He is 30 years her senior, sneaky, and manipulative. I have a lot of issues with him, as have a lot of senior people in my office. His job is not a high-ish postion, and he does his job, but I know for a fact that my office manager sees through him as well, as we have had discussions about it, and she has told me she is looking to replace him. To boot he is extremely confrontational and defensive, very "flick the switch" and I've watched him (and born the brunt of) how he turns on people when approached, even over the simplest of requests. I am REALLY angry over this. When my niece saw how upset I was, she tried to downplay it that she's sure he didnt "mean it". I asked her how it came up, and she said that he had come into her dept (where he's not supposed to be) and asked her what she was doing for the weekend (no surprise there, he is very phony and it's part of his MO) and when she told him her plans to spend the weekend with family at my SIL's beach house, he told her that he was going to be near the area too and that he buys alcohol for his underage daughter and all her friends think he's cool and wants him to be there dad because of it, and asked her if she wanted anything, he would get it for her. She said "no thanks" and that's all. She told me she didn't want his "sketchy stuff", since she did mention without my prompting that he seemed a little scuzzy. I told her that I was proud of her for saying no, and that regardless of what just happened (which I have not discussed with anyone at work as it's a family matter and not my story to share) he knows how old she is and it's no where near 21, so as far as I was concerned, he was completely out of line. I told her that I was glad she told me and that I wouldn't say anything, and then reminded her of all the ways she needed to be careful of him I know that my personal feelings color the situation tremendously, as he is the only person in my office to ever make me feel truly uncomfortable. My first instinct was to vent to my hubby and tell her how proud I am that she turned down his request, but then I realized how angry he was going to be. We are very close with his sister (her mother) and I know he would tell her. Which would hit WAY close to home as she was the one who found my niece unconscious a few weeks ago. There is no way IMO she would not demand something be addressed, as it happened during working hours, and I don't blame her. I feel what he did was borderline predatory and given her tendancy to follow the crowd, I fear that he may continue to make offers for things she may not have the maturity to say no to. If something happened to her as a result, I'd never forgive myself. But in order for it to be addressed, both of them would be questioned and he will deny it (he's been down this road before with other instances) and then confront and intimidate my niece (I know because I've been down this road with him) which I REALLY don't think she can handle, along with the fallout of. I hate hiding this, from my hubby especially, and I probably would write it off as him being inappropriate and stupid had she not already had an alcohol issue. He's 45 and she's barely 16, maybe I am over reacting, but I can't take the chance given his character IMO. I saw a trusted work friend tonight who I am also social with, and ran the scenario past her, and her answer was not to tell my hubby and let it lie. Please help! Any advice is appreciated :thanks:
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I would be ABSOLUTELY livid as a parent if a 45 yr old man offered to buy my 16 yr old daughter alcohol, let alone the fact that it would cause my mind to wonder what else was on his agenda! With that said, I would hope that if someone knew that this had happened that they would come to me and let me know. YES there is likely to be a fallout over it, but something like this MUST be addressed. Even though your neice was strong enough to say no thanks, maybe the next 16 yr old he confronts won't be and that would concern me as well. So, who to tell? I think her mom needs to know and then I think his boss needs to be the one to confront him on it, maybe this is the last straw to send him packing? If not and he harrasses her about it, maybe another trip to the bosses office would finish it all up, maybe not. But I do believe it can't just be left alone.That is my 2cents, sorry to hear your having to go through this ((hugs))
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I agree..When it comes to things like this your responsibility is to inform her parents. In lighter things maybe not , but this is. and its always goodto share with your spouse and decide together so you have support what ever you choose. Mine usually thinks of something I haven;t in situations like this.
What this man offered to do was break the law. I would definately let someone at work know that he is offering an illegal activity to a child. Most emploers take these things seriously. This man could find himself in a heap of trouble. As afr as telling your SIL. is there a way you could go to aboss? I wouldn't tell SIL right off. I know you promised your neice you would keep it hush, but seriously this man should get some type of warning (at least) for his actions. Is this just a summer job for your niece? This is a tough situation to be in and it all comes down to an aunt wanting to reassure her neice that she can be trusted, but somewhere a line has to be drawn as to what the responsible adult thing to do is. Sort of like a parent wanting to be friends with their kids (I hope that made sense) I know you don't want your neice to see you as a "rat" but in this case I think your neice is more worried about her parents finding out anything she tells you in confidence. Maybe you can talk to your neice and let her know that this is illegal (I am sure she knows) but sometimes kids cannot appreciate what "against the law" really means and the troble that comes with it. IMHO< what this man did was no different than making a pass at a co worker and a minor one at that. Someone with some authority at work needs to know. Maybe you could convince your neice of how important it is to infor your boss. I don't know, the man is openly admitting that he engages in breaking the law buying alcohol for his minor children and their friends. This man is a potential murder. As harsh as it may sound, what would happen if in his providing alcohol for his child's minor friends sends one of them to the hospital and they are not as lucky as your neice? People, especially young one, do die from alcohol posioning. Be proud that your neice came to you but let her know that as an adult you simply cannot allow this man to get away with this especially knowing that he admits to doing this for other kids.
I know my reply is long winded, but in working with substances abusers my radar goes off. I just thought of somehing else. While it's nice to be proud of your neice refusing this man's offer, what happens once the "newness" of her recent scare wears off? Hopefully , she won't experiment again and as much as we like to believe that kids learn their lessons,the hard truth is there is a good posisbility that this will all die down and she probably has a little more experimenting to do Peer pressure plays a very big part in these things. Is there any way that sone can make an anonymous call to the police in the area where this man is doing this at least to make them aware? That might be away around it without tracing it back to your neice.
EZ
Thanks. All of your sentiments echo what I know in my head and what makes things so difficult. So many factors here equal trouble. Honestly if it was one of the 23 year old girls she works with, I'd probably leave it as it is, it's just as illegal I know, but this guy has always been capital T trouble. I know he engages in illegal activities (he did spend time in jail, non violent crimes but still) and I know that the manager said that one of her upcoming projects is to replace him, I also know there are interviews going on for various positions now. Because he is so confrontational, (when he is reprimanded for things, if he feels he is being wronged he immediately responds with intimidation and arguement, or he confronts another person that might have complained for him to get reprimanded) I'm not so much worried about the rat aspect of it as much as I am worried that he will corner my niece and intimidate her for saying anything to me and "taking it the wrong way". I have been confronted by him unprovoked, and he makes ME uncomfortable, and I'm twice her age. I know that the majority of people will know that I was the one who brought the attention to it and I'm OK with that. She is temp summer help, so come September this won't be a concern. Of course, when he's not being difficult, he does his job to the letter, is pleasant and polite to clients etc, so that when he gets called upon, he can say he's done his work and people love him because he is right. EZ: I completely agree with you as far as the "what ifs". Had my niece not had a recent scare, I'd probably not be AS alarmed, but she has already shown a tendancy to cave to peer pressure and not know reasonable limits. And as I spend time with her, I know that her memory is going to be short lived. She is already planning on pushing other boundaries (things not so dangerous, like plotting to get her cell phone back from confiscation and how when she gets her license her mom will be a pushover about using the car) that are IMO normal for a teen but this is just like dangling candy for her. I wonder had this been two months from her scare and not two weeks, if her answer would have been the same. I think most of the family is concerned about the longer haul, sure she's scared now but it will wear off eventually. She is in counseling over this (general, not alcohol, as my SIL thinks other things are at play as well, like self esteem issues) so I know that whatever is being done support wise is there, if it happens again it will not be because anyone dropped their guards and let it. I should tell you that this hits me in a different light as my DD is the same age. The similarities are not lost on me, as well as the position that I am in. If I did have contct with her, it could very easily be me hearing from my DD that someone offered her alcohol and having to make the call to tell her a-mom or not. Being in that situation where you aren't the parent, but you need to be the trusted adult/friend figure and decide what lines can or should be crossed. (I'll admit, I had half a mind to ask DD's a-mom for advice about this as she is raising several kids in their teens) I do think that if I had a relationship with DD, it would be a lot like my relationship with my niece, so I know I am subconsciously more protective of her than my other nieces or nephews as a result. Which is why I need some perspective from others! This is all really helpful. I am kind of hoping that since she is away with her mom for the weekend and her mom likes to hear her work gossip, that she will mention it to her mom in passing the way she mentioned it to me (like, "Look Mom! I said no!") and I do plan on telling my hubby over the weekend too.
I think the niece's response stands on its own... she detected the "ick" with this guy, and sought you out to share the experience. Great opportunity for you to point out "wow... old enough to be your dad and that's all he's got to offer... gross".
The rest is just one of those icky work things. The office manager could be happy to have this be an issue, or not. It could be a great opportunity to help your niece learn how to professionally expect and demand appropriate behavior at work, or it could be too overwhelming for a teen.
So good luck. Having the added responsibility of being a good aunt at work, and dealing with a creep, and having those overlap is like a whole extra job!
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