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My daughter's bmom is also my dh's daughter. That makes the bmom my stepdaughter. Our dd is 11 years old, we have had her since she was born, with adoption finalized 4 years ago. There was a period between 4 mos old and 17 mos old when she lived with bio parents and it was not good. Long story short, both bio parents (who were married to each other and intentionally decided to "have" her) relinquished her to us. When the child was 17 mos old, step-daughter (bmom) announced her marriage was completely over (she wanted to be able to "party now that she was 21") and moved into our garage apt which we fixed up for her and the baby and tried to help her learn to be an adequate parent. It was obvious she had no intention of even trying. She often left the baby in the nursery in OUR house (unannounced) and simply left...I would find her there when she would cry out for me. The final straw was when I found the baby sitting on the top step of our in ground swimming pool one day -completely unattended-while bmom was asleep in the apartment. I through her out. She snatched baby back and forth between herself and us for a few weeks when her own mother (my husband's exwife--the biograndmother of my adaughter) brought her to me because of the indescribable living conditions of the stepdaughter's house. So here we are today: Step-daughter is an adequate (barely) parent to her 4 year old son whom she is parenting with his biodad to whom she is sort of engaged. They have moved back to town this week and are currently living with birth grandmother (husband's exwife) until they "find a place of their own". I have recently discovered that she and bio grandmother have NOT respected our boundaries that we be referred to as parents (mama and daddy) and not grand parents and that bmom as sister. Upon the advise of more than a couple of family therapists we were told to handle this complicated situation this way and that it would be best for the child to have NO relationship with either biomom or biograndmom BUT MY HEART TOLD ME OTHERWISE. I guess I was wrong. They thought, apparently, that we would raise her until the day when step daughter (which is Not how I ever have referred to her) decided she wanted to "take her back". Grandmother even said as much. "why can't you just be called grandparents even though you've adopted her?" as though somehow our daughter ought to have to bear the burden of explaining to everyone she meets why she isn't in the care of her "real parents" and is instead being raised by grandparents? Why? For the comfort of biograndmother, who is embarrassed that her daughter was this type of mother? What dh and I set forth, then, was that they could continue to see her and spend time with her (not that either one of them spent much time with her anyway) but that it had to be within the context of HER reality: She is our child and we are her parents. She knows that bmom is her bmom and sometimes refers to her as such which is FINE but it is not fine for the 'duo' to refer to bmom as "mama cathy". She isn't this child's mama. What I am most disturbed about is that dd is now very clingy when she thinks sister is going to come around and is worried about sister's little boy not being taken care of very well. She also is VERY DISTURBED that sister told her resently that she (child) could "come and live with her when she's a little older if she wants to". OMG!!!!! Please tell me what you guys think I should say to step daughter (age 31 by the way) as she will be showing up here any minute. And of course it would be best if dear old dad would handle this, but after 20 years of marriage, I'm not holding my breath. YOUR opinion as firstmoms, is very valuable, but ALL advise is very much needed and welcomed. So sorry for the length...
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I would set strict boundaries with stepdaughter and enforce them. Why is she coming over and why do you have to have her there? How long is she staying? It is obvious that your boundaries are being completely disregarded and it is affecting everyone in your family. Time to sit down and draw up a "contract" indicating how often the bmom can see your daughter and under what circumstances (if at all--perhaps as your counselor noted, it's not in your child's best interest to even have contact). I know it's tricky because she is related to you, but I really don't see any other way.
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Thank you soooo much for your reply. She doesn't often come around. Amazing how much damage can be done in such a short amount of time. And virtually all of this is done in such an underhanded way. DD recognizes it for what it is, but still feels sorry for bmom/sister. It is rather pathetic. Occasionally I feel sorry for here, but generally feel outraged at both her and her mother. On the surface it looks as though we are having a perfectly fine relationship. To the casual observerer. She lived across the state until last week, but even when she did live a few miles down the road (until about the time the adoption was finalized) she only came by on holidays and the occasional visit. I can't believe that they are USING her little boy (age 4) by CORRECTING him when he calls my daughter by her name... the "duo" make a huge deal (outside of my presence) to say she is your SISTER , now say SISTER.... Meanwhile, we are referring to her as his aunt, which is what she is! Anyway, JustPeachy, I am starting to think that for the next several months we need to have NOOOO contact between the duo and dd. After that, perhaps, if it is to be a family event where step daughter and others are to be included, it needs to be for a very finite period of time (from 2-4 pm on Sunday afternoon, for instance) and in my clear view/earshot. If she chooses to disrespect that, then no contact at all period. What do you think? My only thoughts about including her at all are that the rest of the family has to be "punished" for her conduct i.e., my very elderly father-in-law who still has trouble understanding any of this will really have trouble understanidng why I (WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT???) kicked her out of the family gatherings. But don't get me wrong, for the sake of DD, I will gladly be the bad guy every time if need be. As for bio grand mother, DD doesn't give much of a flip if she sees her anyway, so I have already determined she will never, ever visit in her home again. I may consider inviting her in for a 30 minute coffee at Christmas, but need I even do that? We do run in to her at the birthday parties, etc. for the 2 other grandchildren (different mom)...Am I wrong, or shouldn't these two have made it a point to have sucked it up and suffered any embarrassment necessary so that the child could have been as comfortable as possible? And why is the bmom telling "new people"...those who didn't know our family prior to the adoption that the child was originally "hers"? That should never happen.
If she is telling people she is the bmom, I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, she is the birthmom. Her son and your daughter are birthsiblings. But the way she is going about this is as though she did not give up her parental rights and you and your husband are just taking care of your daughter temporarily and she is still "mom." I really think she needs clarification and boundaries that explicitly explain what her role is now. Have you thought of bringing in a mediator or counselor to go over all this with her?
What was your original agreement? And how was it received at the time? I really can't say what you should or shouldn't do, but the whole situation is definitely complicated by the fact of it being a relative adoption. Perhaps those on the board with more experience in this arena could better advise you.
I think what has really been the complicating factor in all this is that the bio grandmother is telling her that she "should" act like she is still the mom. What was agreed upon was that we would adopt her and be her parents. But after the fact, and what that really, truly meant in the long term was harder for the duo to handle. It was great at the time, but as the darling child grew (and she is absolutely precious) who wouldn't want her? But a little late, I should say. Bio grand grew up in a foster home about 50 yrs ago and unfortunately her sense of all this is quite different from mine (I'm 17 years younger than she is and was raised by my own parents who were together until my dad died last year). I think they must have actually convinced themselves that we might somehow "give her back" if bmom "changed her mind". ???. Anyway, I have been basically ridiculed by the two of them over the years for suggesting that stepdaughter needed counselling (duh) many times for many things. Who knows, but maybe she might agree to mediation. I won't agree to "family counseling" to include her and my daughter, however, as strongly advised against it by former counselor (when I inquired) who advised it was wholely inappropriate. Thanks so much. I don't know how to cross-post this without typing it again to relative adoption section, but maybe someone will pick it up....
Oh, as for her telling people she is the birth mom. Well, actually, I have to respectfully disagree that it is ok for her to do that. Shouldn't it be the child's business to tell the community that she is adopted and any details of the adoption? Isn't that really her personal business and not the perogative of the bmom (or anyone else?) We live in a small town and I can't see how it is ok for someone to share such private details (though I don't mean to imply "shameful details" in ANY way!!)? After all, is it ok for me to introduce stepdaughter, for instance, as, "Oh and let me introduce so-and-so who ended up having to place her child with us for adoption because she failed to care for her adequately?" I don't introduce my son as the child born to me by csection after 36 hours of labor that ended in an emergency surgery (:) ok once in a while under certain circumstances I do speak of him that way, but you get my meaning!). I very much would like to be open-minded and have you help me understand, if you would be so kind, HOW it is ok for her to go about town telling people she is my daughter's birthmother. Thanks tons and tons.
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It makes it a totally different situation to have a bmom who neglected/abandoned a child. (IMO) THere are different issues to be dealt with by the child, you and the bmom. It sounds like your stepdaughter doesn't want to face the reality of what adoption is. I would have her over when your daughter is not home, and explain your feelings. I would never let her have unsupervised visits. I know it is harder because she is in the family, but that it will be this way.
I think she probably meant calling herself your daughter's bmom when she is in her presence. That said, I don't lie about having a child, I do tell people I had a son and I placed him for adoption. I won't be ashamed of him, I'm proud to call him my son. I wish my bmom could have felt the same freedom.
karsonsmom
Oh, as for her telling people she is the birth mom. Well, actually, I have to respectfully disagree that it is ok for her to do that. Shouldn't it be the child's business to tell the community that she is adopted and any details of the adoption? Isn't that really her personal business and not the perogative of the bmom (or anyone else?) We live in a small town and I can't see how it is ok for someone to share such private details (though I don't mean to imply "shameful details" in ANY way!!)? After all, is it ok for me to introduce stepdaughter, for instance, as, "Oh and let me introduce so-and-so who ended up having to place her child with us for adoption because she failed to care for her adequately?" I don't introduce my son as the child born to me by csection after 36 hours of labor that ended in an emergency surgery (:) ok once in a while under certain circumstances I do speak of him that way, but you get my meaning!). I very much would like to be open-minded and have you help me understand, if you would be so kind, HOW it is ok for her to go about town telling people she is my daughter's birthmother. Thanks tons and tons.
Thanks and I agree with what you are saying. She did overcome many of the issues that caused her to be such a neglectful parent. (drinking/drugging although she still does drink to excess fairly often I'm told). Mostly her problem them is still with her: Tremendous selfishness. She is completely incapable of seeing the world thru anyone elses eyes. Thanks for your thoughts. I am going to speak with her--with DH present and DD Not.
When we talk about relative adoptions, remember, it can get pretty hairy when your bmom wants to be "mama cathy" and you Both call the same man "daddy". Get my drift? When your granddaddy is also your daddy? I think this was probably the biggest point for the therapist....Uncle Josh is my brother...that sort of thing. We needed to draw really clear lines with titles of who we all were. Again, if the situation was different that brought the child into adoption in the first place, it might have not been the same.
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Yes, but in the end, if your daughter can't understand the relationship, she will be damaged. Her bmom isn't just her aunt, there is a much more complex relationship there. One of my closest friends is a firstmom in a family adoption. Her sister refuses to be honest about who she is to their son. It is only going to damage the child in the end.
Oh, yes yes I agree that my daughter needs to know that her bmom is her bmom! Absolutely! And she does. And just to be sure, we don't ever talk about the dreaded things (horror stories) that I shared here....I have focused on the positive things that she DID do for/with her. Not that I have been dishonest...all DD's life she's understood that bmom wasn't ready to parent at that time and made bad decisions but that having her was NOT a bad decision and we are all very very blessed that she was born. I've told her about the "good-mother things" she did for her--a term DD coined at a very young age. Things like getting her immunizations, whatever I could think of to focus on. And there have been some good things. Being sure she had loving parents to adopt the child would have to be up there, too I'm sure, but I've tried to keep it more specific to the two of them. Bmom isn't her aunt, I think I confused you. She is my step-daughter, which makes adaughter my husband's biogranddaughter. That means that now that the younger was adopted by us, they are Both his daughters. Adaughter understands this completely. Frankly, she is embarrassed by bmom and would like for others to forget that she was once her daughter. I know that sounds harsh and I wish for all our sakes it wasn't so, but it is the truth. DD is much more comfortable with what is now her reality: They are "half-sisters", legally speaking, and it feels closer to the truth to her. I'm not sure if you and I share the same meaning of "understand the relationship". By refuses to be honest about who she is... with regard to your friend's situation: Do you mean she outright lies to the child/refuses to tell the child about the firstmom or do you mean she wants to be referred to as (the only) mom? Just want to see your very valuable point as clearly as possible and thanks so much.
Sorry I got all the relationships confused.... I can't imagine how it must be for your DD.
My friend's sister, the adoptive mom, won't tell her son, my friends birthson that my friend is his firstmom. They call her Aunt S, which she is legally, but of course she is WAY more than that. My friend doesn't want to be called mom, but would like her son to know the truth. He is already 6 or 7, I can never remember which. Someday he is going to find out though and it is going to rock everyone's world, his most of all.
I really feel for your DD. I work with kids that have less than stellar parents, and I know what a mixed bag of feelings it is for them, even if their parents are TPR'd.
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You are so right. He's coming along a bit better now. I've told him that "we" :) decided (no, really, WE did decide) that bmom/sister will have to cool her jets for a few weeks and then we'll have her over when DD isn't home. At that time, we will attempt to explain one more time that she will not be allowed further contact if any of these things are done or said again. And frankly, she isn't going to be invited around or permitted visits except on a very infrequent basis. I have received some much needed support from the older step-daughter (35 with 2 beautiful children of her own) whom I suspect is having some serious words for her sister as we speak. There are the 2 girls from husband's first marriage, then a son(21) and daughter (11). The two big girls are close, but do have heated yet productive arguements. What she has to say will likely be better received than what we do.