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I was adopted when I was ten, after going through 9 foster homes. When I was 9 I was almost adopted by a couple. There was one week to go before finalization, and they decided not to adopt me. They also made me call them Mom and Dad, even though I wasn't comfortable with that. Up to that point I hadn't really called anyone mom and dad. I'm sure when I was little and still had visitation rights I called my bio parents mommy and daddy. However, after their parental rights were terminated by the state, and I began realizing the abuse they had put me through, I stopped calling them that.Whoops, I r digress. So, forced to call this couple mom and dad, and then told "We don't want to adopt you." Then my paternal aunt actually did adopt me. I had always called her Aunt ____, because thats what I knew her as and thats what I was comfortable calling her. As I got older she would drop hints that she anted me to call her mom, and when she was angry she would use it against me: "Well, you only think of me as your aunt, not your mother." type comments. I would refer to her as my mom " My mom says I can do....." but could never be comfortable calling her mom to her face. At this point my father was back in the picture, but not active as my father, so I stopped calling him dad when he made it clear he wasn't interested in having a father/daughter relationship.Last July my adoptive mother disowned me (which is another loong story). While religion was her major gripe with me, she used the conversation to bring up everything against me she could. She even used the classic" I took you in" line. Of course one of the things she held against me was that I never called her mom. It didn't matter that I thought of her as mom, and referred to her as my mom. because I didn't not caller her Mom to her face, I had somehow committed this horrible wrong doing. so to this day the thought of having to call someone mom or dad as this uncomfortable pressure with it.I also just got married. I've always referred to his parents by their first names, and they don't see to have an issue. However, last week I got an email from his mother, asking me if I could call her mom, as she thinks of me as a other daughter. We've only been married a month. When I got the email I felt all the pressure coming back. I'm not ready to call her mom, and I don't want her to hold it against me, and I don't want to feel the same pressure. I already have this fear that she either wont understand, and she'll lecture me about "letting go of the past." I mentioned this to my husband, and his sister happened to be in the room. The sister said that the mother has always disliked me caller her by her first name, and its actually seen as a sign of disrespect in the black community (my husband and his family are black, I'm white). So,f eeling lots of pressure, not sure what to do.has anyone else had the same problem? Any suggestions?
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I'll agree with everyone else so far. Perhaps if you explain to your MIL that "Mom" isn't a title of respect or affection for you, she'll understand. One of my friends calls her MIL "MILY" (pronounced like "Milly" though). She says it stands for "MIL, I Love You". If you feel close enough to your mother-in-law for this to be an option, feel free to use it! If not, maybe you can come to some other pet name that makes her feel special.
If you are not comfortable calling anyone "mom" I don't see why you should. I really have a hard time understanding this insistance on making someone call them something they are not comfortable with (I'm thinking more of your aunt in this situation) I mean, would they feel better having you call them "mom" and knowing you were pressured and made to feel obligated to do so?
Your MIL sounds like a nice lady and I'm sure you want to get off on the right foot with her, but if you are not comfortable calling her "mom" I would try to gently explain, tell her you mean no disrespect, and ask her if there is another term of endearment you could use with her. If you are told to "get over it" or "leave your past behind" that is really insensitive. You have very valid reasons for not being comfortable with the "mom" thing, and that is OK. Maybe in time you will grow to GENUINELY view your MIL as "mom," but until then, I don't think you should be pressured to do so.
Does she know your history?? Could your husband help explain to her that you mean no disrespect and do not want her to hold this against you?
The best thing to do is to be honest with your MIL.
Explain to her that you have a past in which calling people mom and dad is traumatic...and though you're working on processing through those emotions, that you simply cannot call her that right now.
Be sure to let her know it is NOT meant in disrespect at all, it's just your own demons that you are facing.
If she gets rude about it...well, that's her problem. I have never understood why anyone should cowtow to others for fear of disrespecting them, when what the person is requesting is disrespectful in itself...KWIM?
I have been married 13 years and I would NEVER call my MIL my mom. Never. To me, it is completely disrespectful to my own mother to give anyone else a comparable label.
I understand that I am definitely closer to my mom than your mom, but I think you know what I mean by that.
Just know you're not alone or odd for feeling this way.
(((HUGS)))
stellargurl
I was adopted when I was ten, after going through 9 foster homes. When I was 9 I was almost adopted by a couple. There was one week to go before finalization, and they decided not to adopt me. They also made me call them Mom and Dad, even though I wasn't comfortable with that. Up to that point I hadn't really called anyone mom and dad. I'm sure when I was little and still had visitation rights I called my bio parents mommy and daddy. However, after their parental rights were terminated by the state, and I began realizing the abuse they had put me through, I stopped calling them that.
Whoops, I r digress. So, forced to call this couple mom and dad, and then told "We don't want to adopt you." Then my paternal aunt actually did adopt me. I had always called her Aunt ____, because thats what I knew her as and thats what I was comfortable calling her. As I got older she would drop hints that she anted me to call her mom, and when she was angry she would use it against me: "Well, you only think of me as your aunt, not your mother." type comments. I would refer to her as my mom " My mom says I can do....." but could never be comfortable calling her mom to her face. At this point my father was back in the picture, but not active as my father, so I stopped calling him dad when he made it clear he wasn't interested in having a father/daughter relationship.
Last July my adoptive mother disowned me (which is another loong story). While religion was her major gripe with me, she used the conversation to bring up everything against me she could. She even used the classic" I took you in" line. Of course one of the things she held against me was that I never called her mom. It didn't matter that I thought of her as mom, and referred to her as my mom. because I didn't not caller her Mom to her face, I had somehow committed this horrible wrong doing. so to this day the thought of having to call someone mom or dad as this uncomfortable pressure with it.
I also just got married. I've always referred to his parents by their first names, and they don't see to have an issue. However, last week I got an email from his mother, asking me if I could call her mom, as she thinks of me as a other daughter. We've only been married a month.
When I got the email I felt all the pressure coming back. I'm not ready to call her mom, and I don't want her to hold it against me, and I don't want to feel the same pressure. I already have this fear that she either wont understand, and she'll lecture me about "letting go of the past." I mentioned this to my husband, and his sister happened to be in the room. The sister said that the mother has always disliked me caller her by her first name, and its actually seen as a sign of disrespect in the black community (my husband and his family are black, I'm white). So,f eeling lots of pressure, not sure what to do.
has anyone else had the same problem? Any suggestions?
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Stella, I know how you feel -- well at least about part of it. I was placed with my adoptive parents at 7 years old. I had called 3 sets of foster parents and my bio parents mom and dad. And they all left me. So to me mom's and dad's were people who left. My adoptive parents never insisted on it and I didn't ever call them that. I always called them by their first names and mostly still do (I call my mom "mama" once in a while but it is rare). It was a huge adjustment for me to hear my daughter start to call me mom, too. It was so strange and all the old feelings came rushing back. She likes it though so I have learned to tolerate it. However, since I am single I have never had to deal with an in law situation. I guess I would suggest taking the honest approach with her and letting her know that it is not about respect from you -- it is about your history -- and maybe together the 2 of you can come up with a solution that you are both happy with. Samantha
I had a similar issue with my MIL. I had a conflicted relationship with my mother, who made it very clear that she did not want me moving out-of-state to live with my future husband (now ex). She was jealous of my relationship with my ex's parents even before there was much of a relationship, and I just couldn't bring myself to call my MIL mom without it bringing up the old feelings of guilt for not having a good relationship with my mother. Even when my MIL was dying of cancer, I still couldn't bring myself to call her mom, as much as deep down I really wanted to just to make her happy.
I think that people who are offended by not being called mom or dad just don't understand how difficult it can be. Looking back, I wish I would've explained my situation to my MIL, but at the time I just wasn't emotionally ready to deal with the whole issue.
I don't know if this will help at all but my husband's real mom was not exactly the greatest person, and contact with her ended when he was about 8 or 9. When his dad remarried he never called his step mother mom when I asked him he said it was because for him "mom" was not a good title since his real mother had never been any good to him.
I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe if you explained to her that because of your past that is not something you feel comfortable with maybe she would understand.
My husband and I are foster parents and I would never insist a child call me mom and can totally understand why you feel the way you do.
Hope this helps.
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Hey All:
Thanks for your advice. I spoke with her yesterday, and she said that while she appreciates my honesty, she really wants me to call her something other than her first name, as it "grates on her nerves, and she finds it disrespectful...even though she knows I don't mean it that way."
So, I'm not quite sure what to call her...I've never really been taken with nicknames for people, so I think I'll try to get over my "mom" hold up.
Again, thanks!
I have been adopted and I didn't call them mom & dad either because I already have aparents. Its hard sometimes relating to my siblings because we have different parents, and that hurts sometimes but I just have to make it make sense in my head. Sometimes I felt very left out when I met them and cried by myself because they had a history together. It takes a long time to get through thsese things.
with all due respect, your brand new MIL is putting way too much pressure on you over this. As someone who is adopted and married for 16 years, please be respectful to her BUT do not do anything like calling her mom because she wants you to. Not to be all analytical, but it sounds like she has control issues and I think if you cave on this one, it will be only the beginning. I would ask your husband to tell his mother to please let up on this one.
I loved my MIL dearly but never called her mom. She told me she considered me her daughter and would joke she loved me more than her son but never even asked me to call her mom. She knew I already had a mom.
Maybe when you talk to her you can explain that you can not call her mom but you do respect her and love her so maybe she has an idea of what you can call her.
Maybe there are other foreign words for Mom that would be acceptable to both your MIL and you. My parents best friends were called Oma and Opa (grandma and grandpa in german). This was in their heritage and they liked the sound better. My mother always called her MIL Mother Nelson when she talked to her. Maybe something like that would be easier.
I had to do the same kind of thing with my MIL. When my dd was born, my mil wanted to be called granny. Because of my own grandmother who very vocally hated that name, I could not use it. I apologized and told her that I completely understood that this was my problem and that she had very good memories of granny but that my child would not call her that. She came up with another name. Fortunately I had the 1st grandchild so I got to choose and my husband, although he did not understand, backed me.
Good luck.
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I was raised by my mom and step dad, so I don't have issues from adoption with titles... My MIL tried to force me to call her 'Mom' too, and I couldn't do it. In some weird way, I found it a combination of disrespect and negativity at the same time. First, my Mom is my mom. To just hand that title over to a woman I barely knew (MIL lives in another province, we see her once a year...and its not a great relationship in any way) just seemed to devalue the title of 'Mom' to me. 2nd, the relationship with my mother is a toxic one, so its also not something that engenders a 'warm fuzzy' feeling for me. I did say it was confusing, right? :arrow: Almost 6 yrs later, and I still call her by her first name. She still resents it, and I shrug. I'm not going to force myself to do something that makes me supremely uncomfortable to fit her demands. Course, in this case, there's also the power play of her telling me that she really wanted to adopt a girl, not a boy, and dh marrying me meant she finally got the daughter she wanted in the first place. :eek: