Grief work and unresolved issues..

Boy, Jackie, I'm gonna have to dig out my Bradshaw books...I haven't looked at them since the '90s. I know they're somewhere in one of my many bookcases. The first thing that comes to mind...feeling scared of the intensity of my parents' emotions. You know how pets pick up on their owners emotions? I think it was like that for me as a small child. The fighting...the screaming...the cursing...the inevitable slap that would end the argument...the crying...the front door slamming. I loved my daddy...I was his "princess", the "chip off the old block". But I had to protect my mommy...I had to wipe her tears away. I wanted them both to shut up and let me sleep in peace, to dream the dreams that small children should be having at that time of night. I have always had insomnia as an adult...I cannot fall asleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. It feels like I'm waiting for something...I'm listening for ghosts from my past.

My brother started smoking pot when he was 13? It was rough in our house when we were in high school. He barely skimmed by, smoking, drinking, smoking pot, who knows what else. I was 'the good girl'. Getting good grades, staying out of trouble...until I got in trouble of course. After watching my dad screaming, slamming doors at my brother, threatening to kick him out of the house, how was I supposed to deal with it? I used to hurt myself. It seemed the physical pain was easier to deal with than the emotional pain I was feeling. I remember writing them a letter telling them how I got pregnant when I lost my virginity. It seemed important to me that they know that. They never acknowledged that. I'm sure they didn't believe it! I don't know why I was so depressed as a teenager. Being ignored? Being told not to feel? So much pressure to be the good girl. Good girls don't swear! Good girls don't sit on the curb outside of the mall!

Quantum, my friend Terri was a cutter. She said that the physical pain masked her emotional pain. We were 15 years old, sitting in her bedroom, listening to records, getting ready to go out for the evening. And she would sit on that darn bed and cut her arms with a razor blade. And I would say, "are you done yet...can we go now?" Boy, were we messed up...

my original pain... my mother claims the trouble with me began as an infant, when she had a lot of trouble with me breastfeeding...she took this as a sign i was "evil" and trying to rebell against our bond... broken arm before age 2 4 stepfathers sexual/physical abuse runaway at 13 thank god was sent to boarding schools for most of time until 16 pregnant at 17, relinquishment of birthdaughter whom i loved beyond measure but was terrified might end up with a life like mine if i kept her.... and then, BANG!! i became the "perfect" young woman by learning to "play the part"...i was determined not to let the past effect me IN ANY WAY WHAT-SO-EVER: university with honors, president of sorority great 1st job in advertising which i left after 1 year for a career in music managemnt in seattle in the 90's, where i distracted myself from myself by running around with rock stars/movie stars for almost a decade... in my late 20's, suddenly began blacking out small periods of time, having nightmares, and feeling depressed. no drugs. was diagnosed with severe ptsd. i had never shared the truth of my childhood with anyone, including friends, boyfriends, etc. i then began therapy, which i am in 13 years later and has helped me tremendously... now, i know this sounds like a pretty sad story, but for the most part, i am fine. i am a fully functional, responsible, compassionte and good person, just definatly a bit fragile when it comes to intimacy and strong emotions. the last year has really been a time of GREAT strides for me, and i don't believe the first part of my life has to define the last part. but...i accept that there are ways in which my experiences make me "different" than a lot of other people in society. some of these differences are weaknesses and some are great strengths. i currently work on letting go of shame and fear, my two personal demons...i've found reading 12 step books to be a great comfort, and only recently i have been able to truly come to believe and trust that there is a higher power in my life who is ultimatly in control...this was a hard one for me, and i am quite new in my faith... so, probably too much info, but i'm pretty desensitized about it, with so much therapy. i find in reunion a lot of this stuff is coming up -- probably seeing such a healthy version of myself in my daughter is very healing yet also reopens some old wounds... lol, ok, i'll stop now

Wow... my original pain has to be the day my Mom and Dad had a loud fight and she attempted to get the keys to the car off the key rack and leave. I don't know what happened next but I heard her yell from the den and when I came back he was straddling her and trying to take the car keys away. I saw him and yelled "No, stop Daddy" and she instructed me to "Go get the big knife, the one we cut watermelon with and stab him." I was petrified. I couldn't move and he wouldn't let her go. She somehow got away, that part is blocked, but just before she slammed the door and jumped in her car she said "Since you couldn't help me you just stay with him young lady" and she took my sibs and left for about 6 hours. Daddy was real nice to me and we in fact went for a long ride and ate at Dairy Queen ( stalking her I guess), so I was fine, but I was soooooo scared. Before that day I had never seen a display of violence in our home and I honestly don't even remember hearing fights, but I'm sure there must have been. I was about 7. Tracy

i can't stop reading the other stories posted on this thread. i think it is interesting that some of the people who's comments and writing has really touched me on other topics are the same people telling their stories here. i guess i would like to see what you guys think of taking this topic even a step further -- do you guys believe that some of your original trama directly affected your decision to relinquish your child? i think in the end my decision came down to my own low self esteem -- i believed that i was a bad, dirty, unlovable screwup, so how could i take someone as lovely as my innocent, beautiful child and "ruin" her with my presence??? i had not yet dealt with my own childhood, but something deep inside me grew up the day i gave birth and i knew i wanted a better life for my daughter. i clearly remember that my biggest fear for her was not lack of money or support but was that if i kept her she would be anything like me... during the relinquishment proceedings the judge had to ask me the "do you forever relinquish your rights and responsibilities to daughter" question three times because i was sobbing so hard i could not answer. I am not an organized religion kind of person and never have been but i remember thinking of the parable of moses, and how his mother had to float him down the river in a basket to save his life...and this gave me the strength to say "yes". and i also believe for many of the same reasons i have chosen to remain childless for the 23 years since, although i have always desperatly wanted a child ever since i gave birth to my bdaughter. it is only recently that i have realized i'm probably ready to be a good mother, that i am sure i don't have an abusive bone in my body, and that i am not doomed to repeat the mistakes of my own mother...

These are some amazing post. Good luck and best wishes to each and every one of you. bprice215

There were a couple of things that happened when I was around 12 that definately turned me into a private person, afraid to share things with my family. 1)I decided to mail a letter to a boy I liked from school during the summer. My mom took it out of the mailbox and decided to have a chat with me. 'You know, Ann Landers says you should never write anything that you wouldn't want to see published in a newspaper. Are you SURE you want to mail this??' Good GRIEF! I was 12! I had written something like 'Hi Mark, Hope you're havinga nice summer.' It just made me go further into my shell. The other was having a 12 year old moment, telling my mom 'I hate you!' and having my dad run in and throw me across the room. I wasn't hurt, but he still kind of does that to me. Now it's emotional of course. Here's the sort of 'hilarious' thing. My mom said recently 'gee what did we do to your brother and you that you don't talk to us, we aren't ogres you know.' hmmm

RavenSong He was the one that opened the door for me.. He was on TV.. with that mobile.. and he said if one member of the family is messed up all the members are.. darn.. I thought.. The caretaker.. that role.. The one that took on making the peace.. making sure the fight did not happen.. I start to hyperventilate when fights happen.. I can’t breath.. I remember once when my dad was going to leave the house and he was drunk and mom did not want him to drive drunk.. She hid the keys.. his anger frightened me.. I hid.. I could not (can not?) stay up late without guilt.. I always worried that my dad would yell at me.. tell me to go to bed.. I still have it.. I love to sit in the dark now and listen to my books.. I watch the cars going down the road and listen. If hubby gets up.. I think.. Ohhhh I have woken him again.. Feel like I have to go to bed.. Jackie

Quantum Some of us were not taught how to process the emotional pain.. were not shown by example.. Were not allowed our emotional pain.. John Bradshaw speaks of this.. From Creating Love. John Bradshaw page 59 Feelings.. Members of dysfunctional families are mystified, and part of their mystification is loyalty to the family don’t feel, don’t talk rules. The child is told over and over and over again, you don’t really feel what you say you feel.. Hurting oneself can be the only outlet.. Your brother got stoned.. you obeyed as best you could.. Looked for love in the wrong place.. got into trouble.. what I did as well.. I can remember telling my mom and dad about my husband maybe having cancer.. and they did not react.. It confused me.. So you are not alone in this mystification of the parents. same page.. The impact of invalidation is mystification. The mystified child now feels doubly afraid because he is afraid. If he could express it, he might say. “Something is wrong with me. I know I’m afraid, but my godlike parent said there is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m not even afraid! But I feel afraid. Something is very wrong with me.”

I jokingly tell people that in my family if someone had a feeling, an alarm went off! Then a voice came over the loudspeaker saying, “There’s a feeling in the dining room.” The whole family would run to the dining room and stomp that sucker out! This was considered the right thing to do. Feelings were considered weak. “Don’t be so emotional” was an oft-spoken phrase. When all the emotions are shamed, one numbs out. The numbed out state is a setup for addiction. Once a person is numbed out, the only way they can feel is with their addiction. I can remember reading these books and saying.. that’s me and that’s me again.. Now I say how do I sort this.. what is the way through this.. how do I find my feelings.. Julia Cameron in The Artist Way.. helped me to learn.. A practical way.. Jackie

Djvj So darn much.. Way too much for a person to have to deal with.... I thank you for sharing this with us.. Now voyager.. I hope you can share with us what you have learned.. I have a lot of trouble with shame.. and fear.. I know they are in my head and I know they are nutty thoughts but they are there.. I stopped speaking with my sister for years..and when we got back together.. we were walking through a mall.. I spoke to her about ‘how I could have been a contender.” Could have made it.. My sister said.. “Jackie mom is speaking through you now.” And she said.. “Stop it.” I immediately wanted to get angry with her.. she was talking down to me again.. being the big sister telling me how to survive in the world we grew up in.. One day I may sort this shame and fear.. but I am not there yet.. I have to go for a full check up next week.. doctor.. terror.. but I will go and I will come out the other side.. Letting Go and letting God.. From The Language of Letting Go.. Melody Beattie.. page 351 Letting Go..

“How much do we need to let go of?” a friend asked one day.

“I’m not certain,” I replied, “but maybe everything.”

Letting go is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical process, a sometimes mysterious metaphysical process of releasing to God and the Universe that which we are clinging to so tightly.

We let go of our grasp on people, outcomes, ideas, feelings, wants, needs, desires – everything. We let go of trying to control our progress in recovery. Yes, its important to acknowledge and accept what we want and what we want to happen. But its equally important to follow through by letting go.

Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send us what we’re meant to have.

Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn’t helping to solve the problem, change the person, our get the outcome we desire. It isn’t helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need.

Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?

There is magic in letting go. Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire does not happen. Something better does.

Letting go sets us free and connects us to our Source.

Letting go creates the optimum environment for the best possible outcome and solutions.

Today, I will relax. I will let go of that which is upsetting me the most. I will trust that by letting go, I have started the wheels in motion for things to work out in the best possible way. I know of what you speak.. the old wounds come knocking and deal with it we must.. but like Beattie says.. “Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?” You are maybe ready to sort this next part of you life.. Jackie

Tazer Oh.. my goodness.. How horrible.. When I was in therapy I told my therapist about a time when my mom and dad left me home alone.. I was glued to the window and all the lights were on.. it was nite.. I was scared.. Mom told me that she saw my body through my nightgown and I could have attracted a man that may have hurt me.. All my fault and I went to my room.. When I told the therapist he asked me.. Would you do that to your daughter?Ӕ He was trying to give me the insight on how bad my moms and dads parenting was and he spoke about how hard it is to see that the parents are people we are allowed to get angry with.. Allow ourselves.. We can get angry with them and then the process goes to forgiveness.. when we are ready.. Then they no longer have a hold over us.. obsession be gone.. reactions to things that happened be gone.. Tracy.. what happened to you is real close to what happened to me. Thanks for sharing.. Jackie

quantum Not able to be angry.. not able to express ones anger.. djvj I thought I was not good enough.. I knew I was not good enough.. I did not even question keeping him.. Jackie

Thanks Jackie. It helps! I love the image of the 'feeling alarm'. I can picture us all running in and stamping it out. That's EXACTLY what it is. My poor poor mom. She's been having that feeling extinguisher pointed at her heart since she met my dad in high school.

quantum Its so unhealthy.. so very unhealthy.. I have been posting on a thread trying to say.. that some of us can not do feelings.. Its impossible.. Too many years in lock down.. Going to do morning pages in the morning.. oh oh.. Jackie