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I am an adoptee and hope that it's ok to post here, as I need opinions from first moms. To preface what I'm about to say, I already know that what I did was horrible, so please no flames! I met my first mom in 2000, and have not seen her or had very much other contact since. Part of her hesitation was that she had never told my half-brothers about me. They are now 18 and 20. A couple years after I found my first mom, I found my birth aunt. We were really close for 2.5 to 3 years. I have been struggling w/ severe depression and anxiety since I was 17, see a doctor, and take meds for it. My aunt could be considered an instigator. For several months last spring and summer, she repeatedly told me of how depressed one of my half-brothers was and that nothing was done about it. At that point, I left it a lone. The beginning of last Sept. I had to go to my reg. dr. a couple of times, because I was having a racing heart beat. I was told it was anxiety and to go back to my Psych. At that appointment, he asked if anyone in my family suffered from depression or anxiety. I told him that I didn't personally know my half-brother, but that my aunt had been telling me that he was depressed. I told my him that this brother had no idea that I existed, but he felt strongly that I needed to tell him about the depression. I had NO way to get ahold of my birth mom (don't know her number and she doesn't check her email), so after a couple weeks, I contacted him on MySpace and told him. Of course my first mom was pissed. I don't blame her. I also quickly got the impression that my birth aunt was extremely exaggerating. I felt and still feel, that she knew that if she kept telling me this, that I would contact him. Another factor, is that when I developed depression symptoms, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I didn't even know what depression was. After I did contact him at 17, she turned against me-almost like being two-faced. She always did love talking about "what if the boys find out about you". I felt almost set-up. My first mom sent me some really nasty emails and I was nasty right back to her. I told her I was tired of being the skeleton in her closet, amongst other things. I am NOT proud of this, nor do I think it was ok. I realize that it's long in coming, but I want to send my first mom an apology. Not just for contacting her son, but also for the nasty things replies that I sent her. The reason why it's taken me so long, is that I'm constantly in turmoil about what I should say. Should I tell her why I contacted him-that her sister was exaggerating things to me and in a sense "egging me on"? Or should I just leave it without her knowing what her sister did and just take all the blame myself? Is this offense even forgivable?I appreciate any feedback.
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I never think it's too late for a heart felt apology.
I don't really know what you should do, my gut is to tell her that your Aunt had told you about your half-brother's suspected depression and how you felt it might help him knowing about your condition. I guess I would downplay or not even mention the idea of blame or her 'egging you on' kwIm?
It certainly doesn't sound to me that you are beyond forgiveness!
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I by no means think that you are beyond forgiveness. I believe that it is your right to know your brothers. I am sorry that your bmother put you in a situation that lead to such hurt feelings and nasty remarks. I think you should try to apologize and maybe even meet your half brothers if possible. I wish that you had never been put in that situation. It is not your fault.
Aw, there is no way that this was your fault. I think I would apologize to your bmom and also tell her that you were only trying to do the right thing - not trying to go behind her back. All you can do is be honest.
Just as a side note - One of the things I've had the most problem dealing with being an adoptee is being "the secret" or "skeleton in the closet". I don't believe anyone should ever have to be that or to feel that they are.
Big hug sent to you.
Snuffie
Bumble..... I am not a birth mother but also an adoptee but would like to say that it is never too late for apologizies and I have found in my reunion that as much as the truth hurts sometimes it is always best. Sometimes it is easy to candy coat the difficult things but is always best to come out with all the truth. I have found this really can help relationships grow in a positive way. I have also learned that the more people that are involved the more complicated things can become. Just know you have people here who support you anytime.
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Of course you could be forgiven! It seems there was a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications, but if you offer a heartfelt apology and try to make amends, it can't hurt, you know? Of course, there is no guarantee bmom will come around, but at least you will know you did all you could to try to rectify the situation.
I don't know if I would go into all about the aunt, and how you felt set up/egged on, etc., but maybe say that you were only acting out of concern for your brother when it was mentioned he had depression and that your doctor felt strongly that you should make contact, and you acted on others' advice at that time. I think I'd focus more on the things that were said that you now regret. Let her know that you've come to realize you got off on the wrong footing, and would like to get back on track in a positive way. Good luck to you!
Ok, I think maybe I should say what it is exactly that I said to her. I have to warn you guys that it was mean and perhaps even worse than pulling the "You're not my real mom" card. She kept stating in her emails that she didn't care if she seemed like a cold person by stating____(insert any mean thing). I hadn't said ONE WORD about her being mean or cold, etc. Finally, I had had enough and said, "If you're such a cold person, why didn't you just have an abortion?, you didn't do me any favors". I was at a bad place in my life and was devastated by my aunt saying that she never wanted to see me again. I really felt setup. Not that any of that makes it ok for what I said to first mom.
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Hey there! My name's Janey!! :-)
I love your forum name! Just wanted to say that. It reminds me of fields full of sunflowers and bumblebees flitting from flower to flower with the blue sky above! Thank you for that wonderful image to keep in my head today! :camo: Believe me, I need it.
Hugs to ya "bumblebee". :camo: I think sometimes we're hurt by others actions and our emotions get the best of us. Was what you did okay? Was it not okay? Ehhh...I'm no one to judge. Except to say that you're human, just like everyone else! :love:
Yes and more "yesses"! You're one person trying to navigate the emotional quagmire of adoption/reunion...all of it. IMO, there are no experts - just a bunch of people searching for truth.
As for apologies? The program is right to my way of thinking. Keep it simple. Tell her you're sorry for how things went and that you'd like a chance to talk things over. Sometimes explanations are better kept with contact via phone or f2f. That way the other person can hear/see your sincerity.
You know what else though, Bumblebeeskies? Give yourself a big pat on the back for having the courage/maturity to see a percieved wrong and trying your best to make amends for it.
And if your apology is not accepted, well....you at least attempted to make one. Which is the best any of us can do.
Most important, forgive yourself. Like someone famous once said (can't remember who right now)... Those who don't make mistakes, usually don't make anything.
Much peace to you and yours today!:camo:
Janey:battle:
My first mom sent me some really nasty emails and I was nasty right back to her. I told her I was tired of being the skeleton in her closet, amongst other things. I am NOT proud of this, nor do I think it was ok.
Is this offense even forgivable?
If I were the bmother here, it would take a lot of time before I would be able to trust you again, I'm afraid. There are those who have said that this is not your fault and that it might be the aunt's fault. While I agree she had something to do with it, you were the one that took it the extra step and contacted your brother when you knew your bmother had not told them yet. I could well understand why your bmother might feel betrayed by your actions and when she rightly displayed anger and showed she was upset, you didn't consider how she might be feeling or how she might be dealing with all of this and attacked her and said things you regret now. This is not so much about you doing a bad thing, which you acknowledge, but how do you ever get her to trust you again, would be my concern. She has obviously spent a lot of years with her 'secret' and you have no idea what this has done to her personal situation and what the consequences have been. Trust take a milisecond to lose and a lifetime sometimes to recover. All this could take a while. We have all done this kind of thing and it is not easy to take ownership when we have been dead wrong in our actions or words. If you do apologize, I would make sure it is heartfelt, sincere and you take complete ownership for what you have done and let her know how deeply you regret it all. I would not blame the aunt or even explain it away. You have no idea what the aunt has said to her to cover her own tracks and anyway, as I said before, the aunt got you going, but you were the one that carried it through. Be sincere. Be humble. Be contrite. Do not ask for anything - not even forgiveness. It is hers to give or not. And then, stand back and be patient and wait for her to heal in her own time and in her own way. That is really all you can do or expect. Good luck!
but how do you ever get her to trust you again, would be my concern.
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Here's the flip side (I think) - once bson wrote me, I told everyone, and I mean even casual acquaintances and people on the street, of his interest to be part of my life as I was over the moon. Nevermind if bdad (hubby) and siblings wanted it, I no longere cared as I had to hide for so many years. My heart knew he had to know that he wasn't a secret because I wanted it to be so but rather that it was "time" for everyone else to stand up. Now, since I've opened up, he's withdrawn a bit (mind you I understand it may be due to the fact bdad is being an arse, in my opinion, since he still "cares" what people think). I totally understand his fears, and I would too, if you won't acknowledge me than why would I have anything to do with anyone? Still, it hurts, but I know, in the end, everything will work out - patience is key and a killer. Sometimes you just have to give people a chance to think about everything and figure it all out for themselves, easier said than done. I wish you well and it's sad to hear that some of us still have to live the lies. Don't condemn us, that's how we coped and others' influences are hard to break free from.
Hi, I think you have every right to contact the half-sib. he isn't a child - on these boards the golden age is 18 = adult but personally I don't think you have done any thing wrong. You and bmother both said angry things - that's what happens in families sadly. We have all done it to different degrees. Good on you for wanting to mend the situation. Best of luck.