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Can someone please explain to me why all the triad members cannot just get along? Why is there always someone in pain in the triad? If adoption is such a good thing, why do some bmoms (in particular) feel like they are duped by the aparents when they want to establish a relationship to be chosen to adopt that mother's child, only to later on have issue with everything about her life. Or maybe that is not even accurate, I just feel like when I was pregnant, the only people nice to me were the people who wanted to adopt my child. Now, he is over the age of majority and I have reached out to them more than once, only to have the door slammed on me. Can't we just all get along and be one extended family (in my case we really are blood relatives) or at least close friends? What am I missing? Besides my son obviously, but where is the logic in this??????
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My situation is different than yours because when I surrendered my daughter it was a closed adoption. However, she and I are in reunion now, and I had hoped when we reunited that she, her aparents and I could all be one big happy family. My hopes were not realized, sadly. Though I have reached out to the aparents many times, they have not returned my overtures. I have been hurt by this, but have realized I need to let it go. It's not about me; they don't even know me. Rather, my guess is they are just too afraid. The question I have asked myself is: when do I stop trying? Do I continue to reach out to them, or not?
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Getting along and being one happy family are two different things. As an AP who deeply believes in OA I have had certain issues come up I wasn't expected.1. Guilt. Because of this guilt I suffered and probably didn't act the same way I did before his birth. I still spoke to her but I wasn't my happy go lucky self..2. Legal fears. I was terrified the placement would somehow be disrupted after another did. These fears also probably affected my ability to relax and be myself. Though I still called weekly. 3. My initial relationship was with a couple....when they broke up they badmouthed each other a lot (well one party did mostly) and that effected our relationship. If it was a goof friend or family member I could have said "look I really like and respect this person, please stop" but I felt I couldn't. I guess I felt I owed her SO much I couldn't criticize her. Plus clearly she needed to talk but it was VERY awkward. I wanted to talk about the baby!4. I have also had to manage my expectations. She told me a lot of stuff like his bday card was in the mail. It is so hard for me to reconcile the important roll we all planned for her to have in his life when the card never came. Nothing has ever come including pics and letters promised for his life book. I worry about him being disappointed in the future.I have given you a lot of personal details to prove a point. We are not "triad members" we are individuals in specific situations that may not be idyllic. I don't really want to be lumped into people who "just don't get along" because anyone will tell you I go above and beyond to include our son's first mother in his life but because of her life circumstances I have to start to keep her at arms distance. Our family is emotionally healthy and very attentive to each other. All we would ask is consistency, concern and honesty. THe BARE minimum would be enough. She can do whatever she wants, she can go to jail, I don't judge. But lying about sending a bday card is not OK.We will always keep this adoption as open as it is now but she will not be a "family member" for all of these reasons (and others). But it's about individual behavior not "triad" issues. There are many very well meaning adoptive parents who get slammed wrongly. And in general I would answer your question by saying I sincerely believe there are as many problems as there are because AP's and first parents do not feel appreciated by each other. AP's work very hard raising children. Our day to day life is no different from any other busy parent and we give a thousand percent of our time, energy and emotional resources to our children. But mostly I hear us slammed for breaking promises. I don't think I've heard many first parents praising the parenting aspect and how they appreciate that. It is sometimes more about them than the child. To be sure this is not always the case. But i have seen it.And AP's who think of their children's first mother's as "incubators" only are insensitive and clueless IMO. Maybe the initial pregnancy isn't always "thought out" but the decision to carry to term and then the decision to place has to be made over and over again and then the final, agonizing decision ...this mammoth life changing decision that made us parents is deserving of our respect and appreciation and all that goes with it which is IMO at the very least an OA. But there are many AP's right here who are great people in Semi Open Adoptions which were mutually agreed upon. And most I have met consistently keep their promises and try to do the right thing. And always do the right thing by their children which is and always should be the priority.
josh1788smom
Can't we just all get along and be one extended family (in my case we really are blood relatives) or at least close friends? What am I missing? Besides my son obviously, but where is the logic in this??????
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