Is adoption a "dirty" word?

I don't know Tara...I think it's just a different experience with it. I can be seen one way by other parents who have not adopted and it can carry a "stigma". Can carry it too amongst the adoption community because I adopted an older child and from foster care. That doesn't mean it's it the crackwhore no good bmom stigma that a lot of bmoms have to endure, it's just a different "dirty". kwim?

I don't think adoption is a "dirty" word. But I think the word "relinquishment" is a totally different matter. I think a lot of people are scared of birthmothers in some basic way. I think we make people uncomfortable at times, much in the same sense that people get uncomfortable if you tell them you have cancer or you're going to die. A lot of people just have no clue what to say in situations where there is great pain involved, and it doesn't seem to make much difference whether it's emotional or physical pain. There are a lot of misconceptions among the general public about adoption. But I do believe that things are getting better -- at least many of us now have a voice that we did not have 30 or 40 years ago. We still have a long way to go, though. I love these forums...I especially love the fact that all three sides of the triad come together here to share and learn from each other. All in all, I think we're a pretty awesome group! :prop:

Raven...you are giving people credit for understanding what "relinquishment" means though.;) I'm sorry...but we have a lot of not so smart people in society and that's a big word. It might not be fear..just total and utter confusion. (LOL!) I do know what you mean though...there are often "conversation stopper" topics or terms and I can see this being one of them.

Certainly I can see your point - being seen as something other than what you truly are - whether that be a saint or a "sinner" - is a stigma and not right. However I do believe that, for an example, for adoptive parents their role in adoption isn't viewed as much of a stigma, whereas a birthmother I believe could feel much more of a stigma soley based on being a birthmother. I do believe that society has a long way to go in seeing birthmothers as something other than crackwhores. The ladies at my work are somehow shocked when they find out I am a birthmother - like I'm too nice of a person to be one ro too put together.

I get where you are coming from Tara, but us aparents get our negatives too. Some view us as "less than" or "not real". Sometimes, they view our children as undesirable...... It's not so simple for us either sometimes.

I can see what you're saying...As a birthmother, you're automatically seen in the negative by the general public...where as an adoptive mother, it can go either way...We can be viewed as the "hero" (Thanks Dr. Phil for continuing to spread this nonsense), or we can be viewed as a faux parent... Or, we can get an amalgamation of both - you know, the backhanded "complement"... "Wow - it's amazing that you adopted - my DH and I don't think we could ever love a baby that's not our own." Sometimes I don't think people can see past their own noses...or they don't have the capacity to see themselves in the position of another human being...I mean, when people hear of adoption, the number one answer you hear is "Well, I could never give up my baby". And you just want to throttle them because it's such a flippant answer, with no thought or compassion behind it...I even heard that from my son's social worker. Frustrating...

That's true Tara...there is that stigma for sure and I do believe bparents get far more and worse of it. I was just saying I didn't necessarily think it is one side of the triad or not that leads people to believe "less" or "dirty" about adoption in general. That's all I meant:) Some people just hear the word adoption and their faces go "uhm...oh..." lol!

This makes me laugh...My kids have attended their school for 3 years now, and although some people know they're adopted, not all do...and sometimes when we tell people, their responses crack me up. The "uhm...oh..." is a big one...One time my DH was with me when we were telling one of the moms and as we walked away, he said "Wow - we sure know how to bring the house down" lol.

Oh for sure, I totally agree.

Yeah, Tara, I get what you're saying as well but I've watched some of my real life adoptive parent friends get some really asinine questions and comments from people who think that adoption is wrong or that blood is thicker than water. I'm not talking just uneducated comments that misuse real/natural/etc but some really nasty stuff. It's not awesome on either side depending on what you're discussing and with whom.

I didn't say that adoptive parents don't get stigmatized I was just saying that I thought (and maybe that's not the case) it wasn't as common as it would be for birthparents. :) That being said, I don't believe any member of the triad is free from stigma, etc.

I love this thread. I never grew up believing adoption to be dirty word. I never thought much about it. My cousin was adopted and that seemed normal enough. Now I am a bio mom to 3 and amom to 2. I think a lot of it is just plain ignorance. My dh and I lost an infant. He only lived 1 day. We recieved some of the strangest and most inconsiderate comments but in looking back I can see that it was just people not knowing what to say. There are just so many things that we don't understand until we walk through them. I know there was a lot about adoption that I didn't understand and in reality I never will. I will never understand what it is like to be a birth mom. I will, however try to be as sensitive as I can. I guess this brings me to my next question. Many of the books that I have read on adoption reccommend that aparents never "give out" their children's story to anyone. This is somewhat impossible. One day I am clearly not pregnant and the next I have baby? Clearly people have to be told something. I guess my question is- Is it alright for me to talk about my child's adoption? I would never say anything that doesn't honor their bmom. If I don't talk about it am I allowing it to remain a "dirty" word. I don't want anyone thinking that my children are second best because they are adopted. Having biokids, I can say that I love them the same. I want people to understand that. We adopted through the foster care system. In my area there is unfortunately a great deal of need for fost-adopt parents. I would hope to encourage someone who might be considering this. Any thoughts?

You know what, I think this whole 'don't talk about it' thing is a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of many problems. I think life would be much better if people could just talk openly about these things. I think telling the stories about all your kids with the same amount of pride and love in your voice (as I feel you would!)would be a huge step towards making adoption NOT a dirty word.

Mom-25 I think that the pint of wht the books is trying to say is that the specifics of each of your children's adoption story is theirs - not that they are adopted. The fact that they are adopted is no secret, and should not be treated as such, but the nitty-gritty details are theirs to divulge to whom and when they decide. In my own case I am very proud of my son, our family, and how we came to be. I don't necessarily announce that we are adoptionf him to every stranger that wanders by and comments how cute he is - but, if conversation goes that direction (he is young so people always ask about my pregnancy, if i am breast feeding, my labor and delivery, etc), then I tell them that we are adopting with a smile. If they ask questions, I am happy to tell them about the process of adopting, explain what open adoption is, or even direct them to our SW or attorney if they are personally interested in adoption. I do not, however tell them anything about our son's first mom, why she chose to place, or any other personal details. This is what I consider his story, and he should have the choice to tell people or not when he is older. As you have adopted through foster care, I am sure that there are details to your children's stories that might not be real positive. Things that are private and might make them feel bad or embarrassed if people knew. Allowing them to make the choice as far as telling might help them feel as though they some small degree of control regarding their situation. Does that make sense?

There are times when I wonder if adoption hasn't become a "dirtier word" than it used to be. Birth moms face more pressure to "keep" their children since there is no longer as much stigma attached to being a single mother. I'm also not sure that celebrities who have adopted recently have particularly helped the "cause" of adoption. At the same time there is more of an openness about the subject which is helpful.