I'm So Tired of....

I wish we didn't have to fit into either the "proadoption" camp or the "antiadoption" camp. Why can't we fit into the reality of adoption camp - some crappy days, some good days?

Great point Tara. To be honest, I don't even feel like I know what to say to this sometimes....it's SO tiring to keep up a front of always being rainbows and puppy dogs. And we shouldn't have to! And the end of the day, I CAN'T leave here - I mean, I phsyically could leave these boards, but what happens on these boards is my life. I don't have the privilege of turning a blind eye to it. Even when things are great in Cupcake's adoption, I'm going to want to support my friends that are having a tough time. To see what I can do to make a change. To be aware of the ways that people are still being abused by the system. The one thing I do know is that I'm not going to try to change who I am or what I say to appease someone else. I'm not going to be silenced.

Ooh do I agree with you... And let me just say that if I didn't have the opportunity to visit the birthparent boards, I don't know what I would have done. I don't find the boards anti adoption - not in the least. What I find is a group of women, and occasionally a man or two, who are turning to others for support. Oh sure - some of the things on here are hard to read...sometimes because it's things I don't understand, but other times it's because the thread hits a little too close to home and brings my own insecurities/emotions/feelings to the surface. But the "hard" things I read are often the things that teach me the most.

Thing is, I have NEVER expected D to take my pain on or even talk with me about it. That isn't her job, her job is to raise my child and to be a great mom. I have wanted her to maybe understand that there are times when adoption makes me sad still and that it always will. I'm lucky that I have my mom to talk with her about some of that stuff because my mom gets the being an adoptive mom thing that I don't get. I try to understand, I really do, which is why I come here and read, even when stuff makes me mad or sad. What if that stuff is part of D's experience and I just don't know it? I do talk about the sad stuff here. I can brag to anyone about my son, and trust me, I do. I drag pictures around with me and talk about how he is growing up and everything. I've even gotten so I don't care about the uncomfy looks I get when everyone else is talking about their children and I bring up kiddo and they don't quite know what to do. He is my son too, and no I'm not entirely responsible for what he is turning into, but I did give his parents a good foundation to work with and I continue to be a positive influence in his life. I don't think that any of us are asking any adoptive parents to focus only on the negative. But I get tired of being pegged as one thing because of my feelings. I do count, my feelings do count, and just like not everyone who adopts thinks that every moment of getting there is joyous, not every moment after placing is joyous. Day by day though, the happy moments outweigh the bad, and pretty soon you are remembering that your life isn't so miserable and that you can cope with this too.

I hear ya girlfriend.....

I must echo some of the other adoptive moms here and say that your posts and discussions have helped me immeasurably. Sometimes they have been hard to read and I have needed to stay off of this board for a while and focus on mothering and loving my child. but if it weren't for these boards I don't think I would have a clue about what my son's firstmom is going through. There have been many times when I read a post here about any number of things...mother's day, the term "birthmother", watching an a-mom raise your child, the fear that you always have to do and say the "right" thing in OA lest you be deemed unfit to see your child, anger, fear, joy, the need to pull away sometimes...and these posts give me the insight and courage to ask S how she feels about these issues. I really just want to thank you all for sharing your widsom, your sadness, your joy and your hopes for the future. You have been my guiding light in navigating through my relationship with S and her family.

[quote=Stormster]I found that I over empathized and it affected my parenting. E's birth mother seemed so happy go lucky and had placed before so I was not prepared for the waves of agony seemingly directed at me from afar.

I was a first time mom with a sick child and basically felt like I had murdered someone. That's what it felt like.

I also felt a little bit duped because nobody told me that's what it would feel like and I GUARANTEE YOU 99% of the amoms on this site had no idea adoption was nothing but a positive thing for all involved until they were slammed with the reality AFTER placement. Nobody prepares us for the things we learn and see here. And when we realize the loss or pain we are usually caring for a newborn, or a toddler, or a child with special needs. Trying to bond, trying to attach....

It ain't easy I can promise you that. I went through as rough an adoption experience as anyone probably, I didn't bond for seven months....I can't focus on anything but the positive now. I just can't.[/quote]

Dear Stormster, No one has asked you not to focus on the positive! I truly hope you can, because children grow so fast. Your post reminds me that parenthood is rarely (I won't say never) what we think it's going to be. I used to play a game (silently): I'd listen to expectant parents explain how this child was going to fit so easily their lives, how he or she is going to act, grow, etc. I said nothing, just listened and waited to see what happened after the baby was there. Reality is often very different and much more difficult than they expected. The problem is, there's really no way to fully prepare. Even if you do all the reading and hear all the stories, positive and negative, I think we are designed to be convinced that everything will go well in our own case. Maybe one of the advantages of closed adoption is that the adoptive parents don't have to deal as much with the knowledge that the birth family is often hurting and can focus instead on the joys and challenges of the new child. I know my experience was my own, it was not something I wanted to inflict on D's aparents. My goal was for D to have parents who were able to be good parents; I would not have wanted to lay my pain and grief on them as they experienced raising their first child. In the three years since we've been in contact, D's mom and I have begun to talk about some of our experiences of the time surrounding D's adoption. I think the distance in time makes it easier for us.I'm starting (?) to ramble so I'll end this. There are good days and bad days, there are days when I see the positives of adoption and days when I see only the negatve aspects. That's how life is!

I have not gotten the idea that the first mom's I have come in contact with on these forums are anti-adoption. I admit, I don't read many threads on this forum. Mainly just this one, and I am proud to say that I have gained insight and knowledge by participating in discussions with many of the first mom's here. I think first mom's want to make sure that anyone considering adoption is educated on every aspect of adoption. That doesn't make anyone anti-adoption. It just means that they want others to know what they are getting into. It's not just a quick fix or a band-aid to cover up a bruise. It is a decision that will have life long consequences for everyone involved. Of course, these are just my thoughts and I'm sorry if I seem to be generalizing too much. I have to say though, that its sometimes hard to speak up about some birthmom issues. I usually post in too much detail things going on in our OA, but there are times when I feel like if I say negative things about my ds's bmom I will hurt the feelings of the birth mom's reading the post, or I will get bashed for not understanding her feelings. The thing is, every OA is different. Just like every birth mom is different. People place their childen for adoption for different reasons. And just because something negative is said about one birthmom does NOT make it true for all birthmom's.

Kathy; What you said really is true. If you wait for the perfect time to have that child, you will never add a child to your family. Something will always go wrong. (Uh, economy much?) Something won't ever be quite ready. (Uh, our basement much?)And I just wish someone had told me something along these lines when I was pregnant with the Munchkin. I really thought/felt that everything had to be perfect. And, granted, when Nick was conceived and born, I was in a much different and, albeit, better place. But, still, that's just one I have a hard time handling myself.

Ironic that I feel the exact same way when posting about my sons amom. Always afraid that it will hurt the feelings of our amoms here on the forums.Seems to me that it is because we really are a caring bunch of moms with the same goals in mind, loving our children and doing what is best for them.

Exactly what I have been thinking! The fact that any of us are even here, is because WE CARE! :clap: Sometimes I think we all just get too caught up in vocabulary, reading between the lines and bruise too easily. We should try to remember that we are all trying our ****edest to be the best mom, dad, or child that we can be - whatever flavor you are/label you prefer! Group hug anyone?

Isn't it "funny" how we are so alike yet we came into the world of adoption under such different circumstances? Regardless of how I feel about my ds's birthmom or how she may feel about me, the number 1 goal in both of our lives SHOULD be about what is best for him. I think that when we feel that the other is not doing all they can do to obtain that goal is when we get upset and feel that we were "duped" so to speak. KWIM?

Absolutely 100% agree! It took me many years to realize and accept that I couldn't change my situation and no matter how hard I wanted my sons mom to do what she promised, I couldn't make her. So I decided that if SHE couldn't do what was in his best interest, I could! No, I couldn't send letters and pictures, keep in touch, be there when he had questions. What I COULD do, was write letters and save them, stay emotionally healthy for him in the event he was to ever need me and last but not least, let go of the anger toward his mom.It really has ALWAYS been about our son to me and almost 18 years later..It still is!

I don't know if I'm just emotional this morning or what, but your reply has me crying. I am so proud of you for doing what you COULD do and accepting the things the you can NOT change. I believe I can a learn a great deal from you.:grouphug:

I have just caught up on this thread and am surprised that you feel that on these forums that amom's put bmoms in anti-adoption groups. I guess I really am still nieve about everything. I truely respect all BMom's here as you all have been able to help me see life from the other side of the triad. You all care so much about your children and do what is necessary to either keep communications open with their parents or seek advice to handle things best for your children. As an amom I am glad to be able to get advice from all of you as well. I have tried to talk more about things with DD's bmom but she shares more about her daily life than things I ask. Anyway. I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel that they are anything other than special.