Newbie With Questions

There is a group called single mothers by choice and they have email groups for people thinking about becoming a single mother, people trying to get pregnant and for women looking to adopt. There is some great information there.I adopted my son from Guatemala (I am also single) but they are closed to adotpion now. With most countires that are open now children are coming home older, with maybe the exception of Vietnam (which may now be closed) and Ethiopia.Domestically, most infant adoptions are private adoptions through an agency or attorney (I am a little fuzzy on these details but the next I'm pretty sure of) and the birth parents generally pick the adoptive parents. Many single women get picked. The wait may be a little longer but it can definitely be done.Good luck as you work through all your options. Single motherhood is hard but amazing! Best thing I ever did!

Thanks for sharing, Linda! I so appreciate the information and encouragement. It means a lot. I have lots of research to do... Michelle

One thing I've seen here is references to failed adoptions. I've also seen other comments about IVF being no guarantee of bringing a child home while with adoption you can reasonably expect to bring a child home. The two statements just don't jell. To me, the first statement would seem to be more true. So which is it? I know neither way is absolutely 100%. But statistically speaking, what are the chances of a failed adoption? What are some of the common causes of failed adoptions and is there a way to reduce that risk? I've also heard references to how expensive adoption is. Surely there's a moderately-priced avenue to adoption. Isn't there??? Michelle

I started researching adoption when I was your age. I read a few books, including adopting on your own, and also combed through these forums and several others to get people's real-life experiences. I finally decided to adopt from foster care and went to the first orientation meeting. I still wasn't completely sure but told myself I would go through the classes and see what happens. I did the homestudy and the worst part for me was all the paperwork. They do ask you everything about your life but I'm glad they did because some of the questions led me to think harder about what I was actually doing. I knew going in I wanted an older school-age child because I wasn't sure I could handle a baby on my own. My wait was not long at all--in fact, I was matched with my daughter the day I finished my last class. She is 12 years old and moved in the beginning of June. We are due to finalize in December. The first couple of months were HARD but now it is amazing. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. To answer your last question, yes, adoption can be expensive, particularly international adoption. I researched international before deciding I couldn't financially do it right now. However, adopting from foster care has cost me nothing. The state pays for the homestudy and reimburses me for any expenses. In addition, most kids get a subsidy each month after adoption.

Oh thats okay :)! As you can see I get fired up when people think internationally adopted children are perfect little blank slates. I have witnessed many situations where that is not the case. Yes, this is true. However, the supply and demand rule only applies to healthy, Caucasian newborns. Even in those situations a lot of people have adopted healthy Caucasian infants within a year. You are also right that couples are more likely to be chosen over single moms and dads but if you are open to a healthy African-American or Biracial child or a infant of any race with medical needs then you could probably be matched within 18 months average. Adoptive families magazine actually did a poll about this last year. Readers polled in and said that 33% of their adoption failed BEFORE the birthmother's TPR. After TPR happened, less that 1% of them failed. Its really difficult to know which birthmothers change their minds and which ones don't so you always have to be prepared for that reality. I personally suggest you work with an agency that won't make you pay additional birthmother fees if you adoption does not follow through. If your looking for a way to save money consider domestic adoption. Especially a minority or special needs infant. These adoptions can cost about 10-20K because agencies often get subsidies or grants to lower fees since they do not have enough families for them. You can also adopt internationally through some agencies I have in mind. They lower their fees substantially for adopting special needs or older children; just PM me if you would like their names.

Hi Michelle, Welcome to the rollercoaster that is adoption. It is not for the faint of heart. For health reasons, my first choice has always been adoption, but I'm also considering AI because I have some major concerns about adopting as a single woman: My friend is trying this route and if you're interested you can PM me and I"ll give you the name of the clinic she's using. 1. The thought of Social Services poking their nose into my business (I realize it's necesssary) and deciding whether I'm "worthy" to have a child just raises my hackles. Please know that adopting through foster care has got to be the toughest way to adopt. To have a child in your home, to love this child, to care for this child, yet always know in the back of your mind this child could be gone in a drop of the hat isn't easy. You have to be one tough cookie for this route. I have been a licensed foster home for 4 years this Halloween and the longest I've gone without social workers or county workers in my life is 3 1/2 months. When I finalize my daughter's adoption this fall, I'm taking a nice long break. I went to the initial meeting of a new foster/adoptive parent support group that was recently formed at my church. They talked about the issues they were having with the children they'd brought into their homes and they all agreed: "You think that these kids just need love and a stable, loving home -- that you can love them into good emotional and mental health. But it doesn't work that way. These kids still have their problems." That scares me. For some reason the new tatic is to scare potential fost/adopt parents. Like with all adoptions if you are open to race and sex, you can get a placement varily quickly. In Sept 2004, I was completing my last foster class and I asked the speaker, also one of my agency's adoption matchers, how long would it take for me to adopt an infant girl. Infant, according to the state, is 0 - 2. She told me 9 - 18 months. I said to myself, is this little girl the second coming of Christ? She then said if I was open to a minority boy I would bring home a baby from the hospital. I knew then I would be a mother to a little boy. My son came home at five-days-old. The other single woman in my class, who I strongly encouraged to change from girl only to either sex, stayed in the NICU the last two nights her son was there. Of course if you adopt an infant from the state, the unspoken assumption is the child has been prenatally exposed to drugs. My son tested positive for cocaine in the hospital, but showed no signs of withdrawl in the hosptial or at the home of a very experience emergency foster mom. He has always reached his developmental milestones on time, but usually he was ahead of the curve. I was open to race, sex, some drug exposure, but I wanted a child AYAP with one-years-old being my maximum age. I've had three fost/adopt placements with two ending in adoption. Does anyone have any suggestions for beginning my adoption journey? When I started my adoption journey I wanted to adopt from China, but I didn't meet the requirements. So I then looked at all the countries open and then narrowed them down based on countries I was eligible for. I further narrowed down the list based on time spent in country. As a single, working mom, I can't spend endlessly weeks in a birth country nor could I afford multiple trips back and forth. Issues in certain countries made me weed out some countries...ie I went to one agency's information meeting and the couple hosting had adopted 2 children from Russia. They really brought home to me the true issues of fetal alcohol syndrome. Once I had chosen a country, then the fun tasking of looking for an agency started. I quickly discovered you can always find people who LOVED an agency and people who HATED the same agency. At the end sometimes, you have to go with your gut. I know some agencies and countries will work with singles, others won't. As a single woman investigating adoption, what first steps would you recommend? What book or Web site do I read? Where do I look for an agency? (Or do I need an agency?) Should I look into a certain type of adoption (private, domestic, international, from the foster care system, etc.)? As a single woman, what is my next step? Choosing the type of adoption you want to do is your first step. I went with foster care after all the countries I was interested in closed. But I truly only pursued this route after I heard about the foster/adoptive option. I went to amazon and looked at what was on people's adoption book lists, saw what other adoption books people bought based on the last book I read. I joined yahoo adoption groups and found their book lists. I personally enjoyed the personal adoption books better. I even put together a list of children's books about adoption for me to read to decide which ones I wanted to buy for my future child. To this day, my favorite is still "Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born" by Jaime Lee Curtis. On a last note, while having a baby in your home is hard when the future is uncertain, because at the end of the day its all based on what a judge decides, but international adoption is difficult too. Granted it's not as long as the China families are waiting, but I waited 16 months to get a referral from Vietnam. What was supposed to be a 9 month wait, then a 12 month wait, then an "I don't know" wait, turned into 16 long months of waiting. And now once again, I wait for all Layla's paperwork to be processed and finished so then I can file for her visa and wait some more. The waiting on top of waiting would have probably driven me insane if I didn't already have 2 kids at home to keep me busy and distracted. I remember crying, listening to "Breathe of Heaven", while washing the Christmas dinner plates, asking God to let this be my last birthday, my last Christmas without a child to call my own. Little did I know God had already answered my prayer in the form of a baby boy who was just a few hours old. Best of luck on your journey!!

Hey Ladies! Thanks so much for answering my questions. Sorry for not responding earlier. I checked out several books on adoption from the library today, including at least three on international adoption, two of them specific to Russia and China which I know are both open to singles. I've been doing a little research on adoption and am not too enthused about adopting from the foster care system. I know that kids in the foster care system have often suffered physical or sexual abuse or have either physical, mental and/or emotional problems. Doesn't necessarily mean it happened in the foster care system, but by definition, foster care kids come from troubled backgrounds. I might find a child ideal for me from the foster care system, I don't know. But at first glance, I'm not terribly excited about it. I'm also looking to create a permanent family so fostering before adopting isn't a great option for me. I'm not sure that I could care for and love a child and then give that child back. I don't think I'm cut out for that. (And God bless all foster care parents!) I'll know more once I read the books. In the next month or so, I'm also going to my doctors as I investgate the AI option. Until I get their opinions, I don't know if carrying a baby is a wise idea. And even if they tell me I CAN, it still doens't mean it's a good idea. We'll see. Thanks so much for such thoughtful and detailed responses! I greatly appreciate it! Michelle

Michelle, China is NOT open to singles any longer. I believe it was in March that they stopped accepting singles. Kazikstan (sp?) is open to singles. You also can do straight adoption from foster care, though those children tend to be older. Good luck!

Hi Michelle, I adopted an infant from foster care when I was 55 and I also am single. My son was born addicted to a number of drugs, but did not suffer much from withdrawal while in the hospital. He is now 3 yo and very bright, developmentally on target, and gives me a run for my money! In my state, particularly in my county there is an enormous need for foster adopt families and many babies available. I would suggest that you research your state's program because I believe that is true for the state you are from also. When you are thinking about adopting internationally, please don't overlook the potential problems associated with institutionalization and/or drug-alcohol use (alcohol particularly in Russia) by birth parents. I was told by an EI team that there is a marked difference in babies that spend more than 6 weeks in a hospital (institution) than the boarder babies who are moved quickly out. Yes, you are correct in that if you take a foster baby you are risking surrender back to the family; I just wanted to point out that there is a gamble no matter what route you take. Mary

Yash, Thanks for the info! Mary, Thanks for sharing your story. I actually told my mother what I'm considering and she suggested doing foster care to "try out" parenting a child to see how it would work for me. That makes sense, I guess, but as I said, I'm looking to create a permanent home and I'm not sure I'm up for the emotional trauma of giving a child back. Mom pointed out that if I went into foster care with the expectation that it was temporary (while I tried it out) then I shouldn't set myself up for emotional trauma. Makes sense, I guess. What do you all think of that idea? Did you do foster care before adopting? My mother also pointed out that the foster care system is crying out for more foster parents. So that might work. I know I heard a foster care agency on my local radio station talk about the need for foster families a while back. Maybe I SHOULD look into it. And yes, I DO understand that there will be risk no matter what I do. Which is why I'm trying all the more to lessen that risk as much as possible. I hope that makes sense. Adopting an infant with drug addictions and the related health issues is an interesting idea. How does that work? Michelle

Well all children in foster care are taken into custody because of family issues; but the most likely reason for a newborn would be drug abuse on the part of the parents since they are so young. When you sign up to become a foster parent you will state on your application what age, gender and conditions you are willing to accept. I initially signed up for a baby girl but after 3 placement offers fell through I took my little boy when he was 2 weeks old. I am absolutely convinced that he was the one I was destined to be with. In my state they had a supervisor who just oversaw the boarder baby program, so that's something you might specifically ask about. I accepted him because it initially appeared that it would go right to TPR; then when they handed him to me they said there was a misunderstanding and the putative father wanted custody of him. I went for 3 months thinking that he would be leaving me until the DNA test results indicated that the father was unknown; and in the meantime mom died. I add that because even if you think they're going to leave, you still attach to them. Whatever you decide, good luck. Mary

If you want to create a permanent family, then I would not foster. Adopt first, then foster. I wanted to be someone's mommy permanently so the idea of fostering never crossed my mind nor was it ever suggested to me. I did foster after I signed placement papers for my son so we were on the downslide of finalizing. I picked up a beautiful 6-day-old from the hospital, after her parents made a surprise visit to the NICU and found out she was being taken into custody that very day. I guess the original plan was DCF was going to let the parents come at night, which was their usual visiting time, and discover the baby was already gone. Yes, that's how sensitive my FD's CW was. I should have known it was a bad sign when the CW wouldn't meet at the hospital because it was his day off, but I could call and leave him a VM once I had the baby. My son was 18 months when I embarked on this road and the drama of it all was too much for me. A CW, who was still pissed he had the case; a SW, who had the common sense of a ganat; dad calling me daily for an update on a newborn; and mom relaying messages via the SW that the baby pooped too much, was dressed too warmly, etc... I knew this was par the course, but with a toddler, a full-time job, unhelpful social workers, and a cranky baby, who had to really wind down from her biweekly two hour visits, mom and dad couldn't visit toegether, I knew foster parenting was not for me. Also if you want to parent, fostering is a different world. When I picked my son up out of his carseat with his too big newborn sleeper on, I knew he was my baby boy. He was my Jory. While I loved the experience of rocking my FD in the NICU, being taught how to feed her, she was a preemie, and all the taking the baby home for the hospital experience, my heart was guarded. I loved her, proudly referred to her as my daughter, but it wasn't the same as it was with Jory. Also fostering as a working mom becomes complicated depending on visits. My agency tried to match me with a baby with a minimum amount of visits, but it was hard. At the end of the day, transportation for visits was up to me, but I lucked out with a SW who was willing to do that for me. Agencies say they are desperate for foster parents, but I think the real test comes when to how willing are they to work around your schedule. And I believe a lot of this depends on the CW you get. My single working mom friend had a great CW, who transported her foster kids for everything, visits, doctor appointments, etc... And then when it came to this I was torn, if I'm your mom I should be going to these appointments with you, shouldn't I? If you want permanancy skip fostering and hold out for a fost/adopt placement. Or a private domestic situation. My assumption is if you're adopting a baby from foster care, the baby has been exposed to prenatal drugs at some point. My son tested positive for cocaine, but has never had any issues. Sometimes you won't know of any issues, until school starts. My daughters both tested negative in the hospital, but both are strongly believed to have been exposed due to birthmoms' past histories. Good luck.

Not necesarily.....some kids are taken at birth because mom has other open pending cases.....Destructo was not exposed to prenatal drugs in utero..his mom had an open case plan (which she was not making any progress on) so they took D. at birth. He was a healthy 9+ lb baby CT was taken into care to 2 months...He also was not exposed in utero....He was taken because mom physically abused an older sibling. I know of other people who have healthy babies straight from the hospital that they eventually adopted, that weren't prenatally exposed.....Parents mostly had other open case plans they weren't working... It's very true lots of babies in fc are prenatally exposed...we have a lot of cases of neglect or physical abuse as well....but not all are drug babies... But I guess it all depends on where you live..... Edited to add: I just saw that Nightengale lives in Florida (Where I live at as well)....We have no "foster to adopt" program here. As in they do not place children by legal risk. (Or at least they don't in my county...However they will let you know in my county (if they know, if the case is heading or likely to head towards TPR...Keywords: IF THEY KNOW) You will only be able to do foster (with hopes of adoption, but the chance of reunification) or straight adoption (where it is nearly impossible to adopt an infant) In my county (Duval) they are very PRO adoption... Nearly 500 kids have been adopted this year alone.....I was able to adopt within 7 months of placement....CT's foster mom adopted within 5 months of placement. I personally know of many people who have adopted babies that they received straight from the hospital.... I don't know of one foster parent in my county who has not adopted who wanted to. I know this is not the case in all parts of the state, but it is here. I keep getting asked to open my home back up because they have had a baby boom and they need lots of homes for infants...I am pretty positive that if I did open my home back up (I am doing respite only now) that I would soon get another child that will be eventually TPR'd which is why I won't yet (I want to wait until my kids are a little older and in FREE preschool, so total daycare costs will be less expensive after adoption)......Right now if I got another adoption that went so quickly I would not be able to afford he daycare... Just FYI: Out of the 6 kids I have had in my home....5 kids became available for adoption.... This is not an easy route..but it is not always the most difficult either...all types of adoption (domestic, international, relative and foster care) have it's share of risks and woes..you just have to decide which risks and woes you want to deal with....

Thanks so much for the info! Yash, What's FD? Makarios79, Where can I find out more info specific to FL? I know it varies a little from state to state and I have no idea where to look to see how things are done in FL. Just this morning on my local radio station, I heard a segment about the Safe Haven for Newborns program here in FL. apparently, to combat the problem of people abandoning infants in tash cans, etc, they're allowed to drop their newborns off at places like hospitals, fire stations, police stations, etc. with no questions asked. My heart just breaks over situations like that. Apparently, there's a waiting period of 30 days before an adoption agency can place them to make sure the mother doesn't come back to claim her baby. Once the 30 days have passed, the babies are put up for adoption. The Web site is [url=http://www.ASafeHavenForNewborns.com]A Safe Haven for Newborns - Preventing Newborn Baby Abandonment[/url] I'd prefer to adopt and not do foster care. I've never been drawn to foster care specifically and am not sure I could handle it. I'm looking to create a permanent family. Michelle

I'm currently in the process of adopting from Russia and I am a single working woman. I requested a healthy girl under the age of 24 months and my agency said this would be no problem. Just because we are single doesn't mean that couples will be picked over us. As far as Russia, you have to be at least 25 and make at least 30k a year. You cannot have any major illness. Also, they are very big on a clean criminal record. You have to make two trips there. The first is for about a week and the 2nd trip is about 3 weeks. The cost of the adoption is about 35-40k for a rough estimate. Good Luck.