Another Hair Question-Natural Style?

My oldest daughter has very thick hair that is extremely curly. Without braiding, it's a knotted, tangled mess. This is also true for my three year old, although her hair isn't as thick. With all my foster kids, their hair had to be braided regardless of the texture. Leaving it loose created horrible knots and matted hair. Is it a pain to spend time braiding or listening to a child complain she doesn't want her hair done? Yes. But it's more painful for child to come home from school in tears because other kids made fun of her hair. In Kindergarten, my mother sent M-K to school with her hair in a pony-tail on top of her head. The other kids teased her and called her poofy head. All the little black girls in my area have braided hair. She never went to school without braids after that. In 4th grade, I allowed her to get her hair permed. As it grew out, she decided she didn't want to keep straightening it and it started to break off. With the perm cut off, her hair was only about 4 inches long. Again, the kids at school were cruel and told her she looked like a boy. Having long hair is common for black girls and girls with short hair ARE teased. Until Maire-Kate's hair gets longer, we braid in extensions to increase the length. I would recommend styling and braiding your child's hair as soon as it's long enough. If you wait until she's in kindergarten, she won't have the patience to sit while her hair is done. Both of my girls will sit and get their hair braided without complaints. It doesn't have to take hours and hours to create a cute style. My three year old currently has her hair cornrowed into two pony tails and it took about an hour. She was very patient. However, if she wasn't use to sitting and getting her hair done, I'm sure she would have screamed her head off.

I'm with Kat. I've left both of my girls (biracial) with loose hair very occasionally but the tangles and tugging it takes to get those tangles out just isn't worth it. Rarely, though, I feel their heads need to breathe a bit without the braids. My girls have very different hair textures, one has silkier curls because she is still a toddler. I just spray her hair with water/oil mixture, put some hair cream in it, and it styles easily and is done on a daily basis. My older daughter is 9. Her hair is "natural" in that we do not relax hair at this point, and maybe never. I have a young lady who comes to our home and braids her hair every 4 to 5 weeks. It's a lot easier this way and saves me much time and she just loves it this way. Her hair is very long, down past the middle of her back. It just depends on what you meant by "natural". IF you meant not-relaxed, then the hair should likely stay braided as much as possible and kept moist so that the ends and hairline does not break off. Carol's Daughter makes a couple of excellent products that we love - Hair Milk for our toddler and Hair Butter for our older daughter.

Thanks for the answers. The author wasn't specific on what "natural" means. We're pretty free-spirited in our family, and not that concerned with the opinions of others. If our children are unhappy with something about themselves, we'll help them figure out what will make them happy. If that means braids, then we'll do it :) I once went grocery shopping at Wal-mart (in the deep south) with my son's hair in a pony tail on top of his head. He was jealous of his big sister and insisted on wearing it (he was two). I weighed my own embarrassment over his desire to wear it that way, and he won. I got some strange looks, but he didn't notice. He also never asked to do it again because his curiousity had been filled.

There is a huge difference between a toddler with a ponytail shopping with mommy and a 5 year old being teased in kindergarten. Your daughter wouldn't have you holding her hand. And it's great to be free-spirited and not care what others think, however, it takes years to develop that thick skin. I just don't think it's fair to purposely put a child in a situation where you know she will be ridiculed. I'm not saying you should raise your children to be copycats. Be an individual. But don't put a child at risk for torment. If you had a caucasian daughter, would you give her a fuzzy, frizzy perm before kindergarten? No. You would comb her hair and put a barrette or ribbon in it. You wouldn't do something to her that would cause her embarressment. It's the same with a little black girl. Little black girls have braids with colorful little barrettes at the ends. Or it's hot-combed and curled. Sending her to school with her hair free is inviting her to be a target. The kids & other parents will wonder why no one does her hair. Then they will meet you and say "It's because her mother is white. She must not know how to take care of it". Like I said, black hair is important to black people. And not taking care of her hair sends a message that you don't care. So before you send her to school as a free-spirited kindergarten student, remember she doesn't have that thick skin yet. And she should feel good about herself and how she looks.

So before you send her to school as a free-spirited kindergarten student, remember she doesn't have that thick skin yet. And she should feel good about herself and how she looks.I agree with this... I have 2 AA fdaughters... they will sit still for 1-2 hrs so that I can "attempt" to braid their hair! Lots of CC people commented on how adorable they looked with the little puffs. But they both LOVE their braids and little barettes!!! They go around bragging about their braids!! I also realized very quickly that you will rarely see and Aa child with an AA mom that has puffs!

I did say that if braids were what made my daughter happy, then that's what we would do. I guess no one read that part? Psychologists like the African-American author of the book I referenced point out that children learn their biases and prejudices from their parents, first and foremost. My point about my son with a ponytail was to show that it was my reaction to his behaviour that was more important than any embarrassment I might have felt. I highly recommend the book to all parents, but especially ones who have African-American children. As for worrying about kindgarten, we home school :) As a professional educator with a Masters degree and experience teaching in public schools, I don't believe that any five year old is truly prepared to deal with the situations he/she would meet in kindergarten. I've read that children who are home schooled for at least part of their education have higher self esteem (thick skin, if you will) and understand that whatever situations they meet in school are not necessarily the way it has to be. Sorry if the free-spirit comment made anyone feel defensive. My job as a mother is to prepare my kids to live in the world. I will not intentionally lead them to be in a position for others to ridicule them, but I will also dedicate myself to teaching them what it really important. If you read the book I am talking about, you will see what the African-American author says about the message extensive hair treatments sends to girls.

Weighing in late, here... I grew up with women all around me who were often preoccupied with their hair (my sister, mother, aunts, cousins etc). I remember sitting for hours the night before my sister was to have her hair done, unraveling countless braids. This happened on many occasions. See what will happen when a group of black girls is caught in the rain - they dash for cover, lest the hairstyle and texture go awry. The discussions on straighteners (burned scalps, Dark'n'Lovely etc), braids (think or thick, too tight and facelift-inducing etc), growth and the need for retouches, weaves, human hair or synthetic...it goes on and on. The end result of all the suffering (for lack of a better word) is "hair that looks good". So hair is VERY important to black women, and their daughters (and adopted girls as well, of course). I have not read the book you reference, but I suspect that even if all black women did, the preoccupation would continue. It's partly cultural. The other part is the fact that leaving hair "natural" often leaves the hair in a tight, matted mess. Even those women who do leave it natural take care of it as much as women who don't. It may even require MORE work than simple braids and such. Just my $0.02.

Persian... I"m the momma to three AA babies (and hopefully one more?).....who were all adopted as infants. (I'm seemingly CC.) I refuse to have them sit through endless hours of hair-do...UNLESS they'd want to. I've had my share of AA women (more often than not, OLDER AA women (65+) who ask 'have you had your babies' hair braided, etc" Oddly enough, they won't dispute that their hair is healthy...just that the girls don't wear elaborate styles (at 5 and 7yrs old). My dad's wife (whom I get along with well) is AA. I've had her braid my older daughter's hair. (Actually, it's been done three times.) It's been a simple style with two braids going down the sides. Looks great; however.....a few hours later, my daughter is screaming because it's too tight and hurts. Second or third try (and it's been braided much less tightly)...and the same thing happens. I end up taking the braids out and we go right back to pigtails (puffs) on each side; or......I band it along the sides; or...short braids on each side. Now, I've actually had these same women say to me, 'that's just too bad...she'll have to get used to the pain'!!!!!! No, not around here. I refuse to have my babies' in pain, for the 'look' SOME people feel is what they should have? My childrens' hair is healthy. It's shiny and soft. I won't plaster it against their heads; I won't perm it to make it straight (at this age anyway)...in order to make it appropriate for what *some* AA women think is 'right'. Naw...not gonna happen. We live near a college town. I've had MORE college aged AA girls tell me that having their hair 'natural' is much more sensible (at this age), because their own mothers permed or forced them to have certain styles---all in the name of 'pain'; and now they tell me that their hair is 'ruined' because of the heat, the perms, the constant 'hair stuff' we're all talking about. I've also seen examples of AA girls who had horrible looking hair---that wasn't maintained-- wearing the prettiest braids and beads....and the most unhealthy hair one could imagine! (Yet some thought *this* was sooo attractive????!!!) BTW...we homeschool too. Our church is very diverse and we have a lot of transracial adoptive families too. I"ve seen both extremes in this issue of 'hair'. Our final word in this family is no one has to feel *pain*, ---or even *ruin* their hair in order to be approved by someone else. Just the way it is and I think my children are happier for it...... Sincerely, Linny

I am sorry, what is meant by what some AA women think? it always goes back as a negative to the Black community? You all would really love a West Indian community type of scrutiny. lolAnyhow, I would think one combs the child hair, simple, ponies, puffs, box braids, or corn braids etc; if that's what works best. I do agree that healthy, well groomed, unsnarled hair is very important. The ultimate importance is that the child feels good about himself. My son (AA) went to middle school, and he was teased because his hair line was not lined up.. our children are the ones facing the music, and we are not always there, why would we set them up even if unintentionally. A note about the author of that book, base don what I read, I think she spent a lot of time trying to put down AA concerns.. as if its is not needed. I wonder where and how she grew up. Not a great first reference book for new tra parents.. jmo.

If you're referring to my remarks, I didn't mean it as a 'negative to the Black community'. I went on to say that younger AA women don't always have this type of opinion, and have told me so. Hence, my comments of what *some* AA women think....meaning, some, but not all. Perhaps it's the louder ones? LOL It's not a negative to me, until my babies have pain involved in trying to 'look the part because someone thinks they have to'. That's my point. And, seeing how some little ones' hair is so badly damaged in the process...to the point the hair is so dry and chemically tainted it breaks off; why would anyone want their childrens' hair to be so? Sincerely, Linny

Louder? Blacks have dealt with being scrutinized, for ever, it goes with the territory, so its a given even as a Black mother to hear I would do so and so. I got lots of tips on DD's hair, because she was my first girl. It's up to the parent, cc or otherwise to be thick skinned enough to say, oh well this is my decision. I as an AA do not go around criticizing cc parents of Black kids. In addition as a mother of an AA girl, as well as, (the older generation) my mother and other women in our family, DH family.. did not believe in processing or over processing a Black child's head. Just offering the other aspects in the Black community.. so folks will not think its a one size fits all. kwim?

I wore various styles of ponytails when I was growing up. Occassionally my hair would be braided, but mostly ponytails with the ends braided.

Then Nickchris, you made me feel better. :) I figured it was only because I was CC with my AA daughters and son that anyone was having a hissy-fit about it! I don't feel so badly now! Thank you. :) Sincerely, Linny

No prob.. hey join in the crowd. lol