Sisters or competitors?

I have a 29 yr old son, and reliquished 22 yr old twin sons, yet to find them. I cannot answer specifics to your question, but hope this makes sense: I raised my 29 yr old and know him like a second glove. Not having been able to raise my twins, there would be no comparison to the equality of love. I would never want them to feel like I needed to choose and hope they are adult enough to know that love comes in varying degrees. The maturity of my 29 yr old would not allow him to be "jealous, or"envious of his younger twin brothers. In other words I know my 29 yr old is secure and i hope and pray the 22 yr old already have parents and siblings, they too are secure. Best of luck, I am sure you can work this out so there has to be NO choice....

Hi Julie,I can't answer about daughters. I only have the one I raised. Things are pretty good between all three of my kids. D sometimes worries a bit about J (raised son), because of some of his behavior and there may, be a little jealousy on J's part but they communicate with each other apart from me. (And usually I can assure D that a particular attitude of J's is just J.) I will never allow any of my children to make me choose between them. They may choose to have no relationship with each other; I will continue to love each and everyone of my children no matter what.

cetalley... this isn't actually an issue for me... i am no longer in reunion.... and this stuff wasn't an issue when i was in a reunion.... i just think adoption affects so many people beyond the adoptee, birthparents, and adoptive parents.... on such a deep level.... and i see it here on the forums....the emotions are very strong. i would like to understand it better... kathy... when i ask "would you choose?" i don't necessarily mean that the sisters would tell you have to choose between us.... but rather... let's say your raised daughter was having a terrible time with it all... and it actually had very very little to do with the relinquished adult... but had to do with YOU ... and how you are handling things.... and their relationship with you... and i happen to know you well enough, to know that you would go to great lengths (as would I and many birthmothers that i know)... to resolve the issues with your raised daughter... or maybe the relinquished daughter has real issues with the raised daughter.... and your relationship with her.... and these issues are causing tension in the relationship... to the point that she may not come see you if your raised daughter will be there... or whatever... how do we handle these things? and i don't really mean issues BETWEEN the sisters... but more triangulation... how do you manage one daughter, when your whole relationship with the other is a huge problem for her? i know there are a couple raised siblings on here that have mothers who have behaved in a way that i never could... like the one whose mother actually moved AWAY from her and her children... to live near the relinquished daughter... i've already told my husband that when we retire, he will NEVER in a million years get me to move AWAY from my kids and grandkids (if i have any at that point!)... ever. if we all happen to be in the same place, i am staying put... and considering myself immensely blessed... i don't think i'm at the crux of what i am trying to ask yet... but i will get there..

hey there, my eldest raised daughter had a very difficult time when I told her about bson and I have to admit it may be partially my fault because she had just moved out on her own and not far from where he lived so I came down to meet him and see him quite a bit. Although I always saw her and had dinner, lunch, lots of time shopping etc. any time I spent with him bothered her - she felt I was ignoring her. Thank God she spoke up and we talked it out and looking back I apologized and said yes, but let her know that I had been waiting 27 years to see him again and needed to spend some time with him to let him know how I truly felt, get to know him, etc. We're not quite there yet but at least we're honest and open and I'm more careful about what I say and do.

My kids know me too, lol, they know better than to try to put me in the middle! Seriously, the difficulty can came when you try to explain one person to the other. My point to all my children (currently aged 30-36) is that I love each of them, and that regardless of how they are currently feeling about their siblings, I will continue to maintain my relationship with each of them. I personally would not leave where I am to move closer to D (or any of my children and grandchildren). There seems to be a rule... if you move to be close to them, their work will move them somewhere else. Case in point, my daughter has been trying to get me to move closer for 4 years. Now that it looks like my next call will move me an hour or so closer, she is making plans to move to NJ to be with her boyfriend.

I am a sister, and let me tell you, these issues are REAL. I was adopted a few years before my sister was born. I'20 and she's 16. She was raised by bfather ( bmother was in out and of her life) and bfathers girlfriend of about 10 years. My bmother is a drug addict and felon. My bgrandparents are very wealthy southerners, and want very little to do with me because I was an embarressent to their family. But I could have dealt with all of that. The SINGLE most painful experience in my entire reunion has been my birthsister. Absolutely. No question .She is the only person on planet earth who I truly despise. We've been in reunion for 8 years, and at first everything went fine. E (bsister) and I had a good relatonship. As she hit puberty, things soured, and she was cruel to me for about 4 years, until recently when she told me that "I'm not in her family circle" and that "she didnt want me in her circle so I should get out" She is very immature and spoiled, so even though I a very angry now ( the wounds are fresh) I can recognize that it's not really all her fault. The jealousy, feelings of abandonment, anger, issues with feeling as if your life has been invaded, etc are ALL issues that birthsiblings may feel . I feel that girls are particularly vicious and maybe more prone, but I could be wrong. It is truly, truly heartbreaking for all involved ( bparents, adoptees, adoptive families, etc.) I think birthsiblings are in a strange place. They are not directly involved in the adoption ( they are not bparents, adoptees, or aparents) but at the same time are children who had NO choice ( like the adoptees) in the matter. I feel that the parents, birth and adoptive alike, are a big factor in the success of reunions for birthsiblings. ALl the adults in the situation need to be mature and have their eyes open, because without direction kids can act on the hurt that all of us have.

I only have one child, the one I placed for adoption, so I won't have this issue, but if I did have other raised children and I was in reunion, I would not want to be in the middle of any issues they were having. I suppose if it got so tense that we couldn't all come together, I would maintain separate relationships with my children, and would not allow any of them to dictate which I could see or not see. I would not feel comfortable choosing between them. I would try to take everyone's feelings into consideration, but if there was jealousy or other problems and I couldn't reassure them, I would expect that as adults, they would work out their own issues. Personally, if any of them were "keeping score" as to how much time I was spending with one vs another or what not, I would probably not have a lot of patience with this, whether it came from my raised kids or my placed kid. To me, the less drama, the better. Now this all assumes I would try to be fair in the first place, and not do anything like leave my raised kids in the dust and up and move to be with my placed son, or anything really extreme.

I think it also has alot to do with how old the siblings are when they findout/meet her. I have bdaughter 30, next daughter 21, next daughter 18 and son 16. They were 4ys,6yrs,and 9yrs when they met her, she was 18yrs. When I first told them about her...they danced around our yard singing " We've got a sister, we have got a sister" I was aware of the jealousy thing as I had done alot of reading about reunion, so tried my best to avoid this happening. As it turns out I have talked with my next daughter down about this, we even talked about when she was 12. She has admitted to having a wee bit of jealousy, but really never let it become an issue, and I tried very hard to not provide the oppurtunity for it to occur...if ya get what I mean. So openess, allowing feelings and talking about them...and really from what I have read age seems to be quite crucial. we were lucky it happened when it did. Just some thoughts really...I could never pretend to know the answers! Too big!:coffee: susie