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I gave my daughter up for adoption 18 years ago. Social services told me that I would be able to start contact when she was 18 years old (her parents were also told she could find me at 18). Well, when she turned 18 I was rudely turned away or completely ignored. My daughter was searching for me and she was completely turned away too. She was told "it is not worth it" and "you won't like what you find". I cannot believe that anyone from the church could be so judgemental and crude. I am having a hard time getting past it. I consider myself a stalwart member. I don't think it is their job to keep families apart. (especially ones with support from all sides). How can people be so hurtful. My adopted daughter drove 3 hours by herself to the office she was adopted out of just to find some information. They completely turned her away. Anyway we found each other on our own and our reunion has been amazing. We have a large "extended family" as her parents put it. Social services needs to know that reunion can be good. It has helped heal so many wounds and close so many gaps. We are truly going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year!
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congrats all around, I agree with you. Because I was a birth father I got the same treatment, only worse. We'll we too found each other and although it hasn't been a bed of roses it certainlly has been better than before we knew each other was alive.
bprice215
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Thank goodness things are more open these days to start out with. And congratulations on your reunion.
She likely spoke to just a secretary...one who is very "old school" and not really agreeable to all the new changes. I'm sure it was the PERSON and not the "church" being judgemental. There has always been massively judgemental people in our church...the sense of intolerance is especially sharp in some of a certain age groups.
I think of our daughter's birthfamily as extended family too...like a 3rd set of in-laws.
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I have never been in your shoes before, so I cannot even begin to utter the words I know how you feel. I am happy that things turned out for the best. I would also just say, sometimes people think they are acting on the best interest which might not always be right. I think it would help to remember that the church is perfect, but unfortunately, the people are not. Let these experiences ֖ the good and bad strengthen you and propel you forward. Life is too short to dwell on the things we cannot change or control.
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Eternal_Family
I have never been in your shoes before, so I cannot even begin to utter the words I know how you feel. I am happy that things turned out for the best. I would also just say, sometimes people think they are acting on the best interest which might not always be right. I think it would help to remember that the church is perfect, but unfortunately, the people are not. Let these experiences ֖ the good and bad strengthen you and propel you forward. Life is too short to dwell on the things we cannot change or control.
What about taking a stand on educating the members of the congregation instead of just saying let it go? Is that not what religion is about? Making things better, learning and embracing knowledge?
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Actually there is opportunities to educate congregations on adoption. During Sunday School, the lesson would be on adoption instead. LDSFS provides some of the materials and it's a beautiful way to be able to talk about things that normally get passed by. Ask your local office about it.
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Dickons
What about taking a stand on educating the members of the congregation instead of just saying let it go? Is that not what religion is about? Making things better, learning and embracing knowledge?
Kind regards,
Dickons
It was not a statement to merely let it go. It was a statement that there are people who offend unintentionally or people who are ignorant. You can take the opportunity to teach someone without dwelling on what they have done to wrong or offend you. I never told the young woman she could not tell anyone that there are wonderful benefits of an adopted child knowing their biological parents. If that was how you perceived what I said than I am sorry that you were offended. I do believe that many children can benefit from knowing their biological parents if that is best for that particular child and both sets of parents in their life. Hearing positive stories of a happy reunion is wonderful and makes women like me who can have children, but also willing to love and share a child with another mother inspired.
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jlallinson
I gave my daughter up for adoption 18 years ago. Social services told me that I would be able to start contact when she was 18 years old (her parents were also told she could find me at 18). Well, when she turned 18 I was rudely turned away or completely ignored. My daughter was searching for me and she was completely turned away too. She was told "it is not worth it" and "you won't like what you find".
Your experience is not surprising, seeing as how the official LDS Church policy states:
Local Church leaders should discourage adopted children and their adoptive parents from seeking to identify the childrens natural parents. When adopted children have genetic or medical problems, the family may seek medical information about the natural parents but should be discouraged from seeking their identities. (p. 173)
(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (2006). Church Handbook of Instructions: Book 1 Stake Presidencies and Bishoprics 2006. Salt Lake City: UT.)
It doesn't mean that it is right, but it is what it is. When confronted with an adoptee searching for their birth mother or a birth mother searching for their relinquished child, this is what church leaders and representatives are *technically* supposed to tell them.
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I had a response, but it was lost when I tried to post it...
Basically, it is policy because it upholds the original agreement of secrecy. It is NOT current policy to promote anything except open adoptions. Also, the reaction isn't surprising because adoption was thought of as a "replacement". One family replaces another.....in this way of thinking, you being in reunion would replace the adoptive family as your child's family. VERY threatening prospect...for both the parents and the child. Also, it may have been the person at the office's own personal views. I have encountered many old-timers who staunchly believe the birth family has no right to know the adopted child, and all reunions horrify and bother them immensely. I would contact the director of that office, and ask what policy is, and if she/he was out of line. I would also contact LDSFS headquarters and start some fuss to get the rules changed....like having a list for both parties to register and when both do, the information agreed upon by each party regarding themselves is released.
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aspenhall
It is NOT current policy to promote anything except open adoptions.
That's the trouble though...it is the current written policy as published from the Office of the First Presidency, regardless of what the LDS Family Services is doing. Until the handbook is changed to come in line with current LDS Family Services' practices, this is official LDS church policy on contact with birth families. (Or conversely, LDS Family Services needs to brings their practices in line with the stated LDS church policy, not something I necessarily agree with as I believe that open adoptions are a much more humane/loving choice for both the adoptee and the birth family).
The LDS adoption culture can't have it both ways. Either the published policy for priesthood leaders needs to be revisited & revised so ALL church leadership is on the same page regarding contact with birth families, or LDS Family Services needs to bring their practices in line with the official guidelines of the LDS church.
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