Irrational Anger

Yep - I can see what you're saying, but from the opposite side of the spectrum...It's like in the past, whenever I would TRY to say something, or try to bring something up, I'd have to hear how so and so is HER son SHE'S the mom...I'm only a mom because SHE let it happen (capitals are her usage, not mine). Explosions abound. And you can only hear it so many times before it starts to ingrain itself in your head...and you start to believe it at some level. And then all of a sudden, she phoned yesterday...First time I've talked to her on the phone in ages. So I knew I had to say something - it was almost like a sign; calling out of the blue like that. After the normal small talk, I blurted out "There are things I'd like to talk about, but please know that this is just something I'm feeling inside and this is not a criticism of you." We actually talked for 3 hours, and worked through some things...and had some new stuff come about (firstfather stuff - he went to see her yesterday. She is supposed to call me and let me know how that went). I think we're a work in progress. And I think I just may be able to move past this too. So send prayers and good wishes our way, please.

Now, there you go! Express that anger even if it is misdirected at me! Good for you! (I say this in jest. Just amused.)But seriously. I have continued to push and prod throughout this post, all of you, for reasons. Everything I read here is ABSOLUTELY SCARY. There's a LOT of unhealthy stuff going on in adoption relationships and it NEEDS to change. For you. For the other party opposite you. For our children. For society. For the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees who will follow in our footsteps in coming years.Change starts somewhere. I'm not content to sit by and watch people get caught up in "well, this is good enough" or "it's never going to change." We can foster change. I have to believe we can. Or it all seems hopeless and pointless.

Was researching a bit for a blog later this week and came across a great explanation of rational versus rational anger: (link: [url=http://www.healthandage.com/public/health-center/40/article/1002/Why-do-I-get-so-Angry.html]Health Topics - Current Health Centers Related News & Articles[/url] ) Perhaps that's why we sometimes see our anger as irrational and/or rational when really it is the other one (re: adoption). Examples or irrational being: birth mother gets pregnant and adoptive mom is angry. The birth mother did nothing TO the adoptive mother BUT the adoptive mother feels worry for the child. Rational: Visits being canceled, no communication, etc, because those are actively being done to you.

Hmm...Makes total sense. So let me ask you this - because this was my state of mind while talking to D yesterday about AJ's firstdad (today that feeling has spiraled into something else - if you want to know what, you'll have to read THAT on the other OA thread :eyebrows: ) M (AJ's firstdad) requested a closed adoption when AJ was born, but never signed the papers to close it. When AJ turned 5 1/2, M talked to D and said that he was interested in learning about AJ...so we wrote him a letter (with his permission). He responded with questions, we wrote back and heard nothing...4 months later, we wrote him again because it was AJ's bday, and heard nothing...that was a year ago. I let it go because I don't want to bother this guy. We've given him our info and our wishes that he'd keep in touch if it was something he was comfortable doing. Nothing. Well, he came to town yesterday with his family and was going to see D. And there was some "anger" because he's made no attempts to get to know AJ. So I think "Why not? Does he think of AJ? Does he care about him? Does he wonder what kind of student he is? Why doesn't he reach out? If he's in town, why would he NOT want to see AJ?" Would you consider that rational or irrational? Is it irrational because this man never made any promises to us? Is it irrational because he didn't start out wanting an OA from the get go? Or is it rational because HE asked to contact, but after one brief letter, never followed through? I guess though, it really is less about anger and more about hurt and disappointment.

[/QOUTE]I guess though, it really is less about anger and more about hurt and disappointment.[/QUOTE] You have just described my feelings 90% of the time. By that I mean, when I am hurt or disappointed, the majority of the time it comes out in anger. It is so much easier for me to allow myself to be angry than it is to allow myself to feel hurt. It hurts ME that my son's bmom has not seen him since March. It hurts me because I feel like when he gets older and can understand it all, it will hurt HIM. So yeah, that comes out as anger.

I'm glad you're amused, and my anger is not misdirected. You do not know my life Jenna, for you to sit behind a computer screen and tell me that I don't do what I should for my child is ignorant. I've been living adoption for 30 years now, I've been active in reform in my state for ten years, I believe that is six years before your daughter was born. I do my share, don't you dare tell me I don't just because in this relationship I choose to protect myself. Jenna, you are a smart woman, but you don't know everything there is to know about me, my life, my situations, so please reserve judgement for your own life.

Exactly...Exactly.

Unfortunaly this is an important lesson to learn in any relationship. Not just adoption related. You can't force people to be what you want them to be. You can't force them to change their beliefs, actions, personalities etc. Yes, there can always be a hope or an invitation for change. But it takes BOTH sides to make a change and all we have control over is our side. Our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions. If the other side is unwilling or unable to change than you are left with what you have. Which may be much less than what you want or hope for. Does that make the whole relationship hopeless and pointless? No It just makes it "reality". Living and dealing with the realities of life. Many of us have similiar dissapointments, anger, frustrations with other members of our families, or with friends. But in the end we just accept people for who they are and love them anyways, or we choose to not accept them. I couldn't imagine the pressure that would be on me if I were to live up to everyones expectations of me. In the end I am who I am and you either accept me for who I am or you don't. It's their choice. So why should I hold others to a higher standard than I would myself and why would not living up to their standards or me not living up to theirs make our relationship pointless and hopeless? There is always Hope if you just keep trying. But trying doesn't mean destroying yourself in the process. I think belleinblue is on the right track. She is doing her part. Why should she torture herself trying to make the relationship something it's not. You can only ask something so many times before you just stop asking. You realize in time things may change, but for now you let go of it and if it comes than GREAT, if not than it's not something your going to stress and fret over.

I've been thinking over these last couple days trying to figure out if/when we'll get together with my dd's birthfamily. But today when I was eating breakfast with my dd at school one of her friends was talking about cheerleading. I mentioned that my dd would probably have fun playing cheerleading with her since she likes to dance. I asked if she's on a cheer team and she said she just pretends and practices on the playground. I told her she should ask her mommy about going to a local class that offers cheerleading. Telling her that's where my dd does her dance classes. She sounded all excited and my dd declared she wanted to be in cheerleading too. I told her that it's lots of fun because they get to practice each week in a class and then they get to go on a big stage and perform. I then looked at DD and said wasn't that fun. She said yes and smiled and I told the girl that her friends and mom and dad and grandparents and relatives get to come watch them dance of stage. The first thing out of my dd's mouth as she frowned was "ya, but my grandma and birthmom said they were going to come a bunch of times but they never came". Oh, my heart crushed for her. She hasn't mentioned them one bit since the morning of the recital when she asked if they'd be coming, and then a couple weeks later when she realized they hadn't come and we talked about it a little bit. Now, 6 months later the first word she utters about them is basically that they didn't come and they hurt her feelings.:hissy: My momma bear instincts are popping back up.

I don't blame momma bear for coming out! It's hard not to be angry/upset when people disappoint our children. Especially when it's their bfamily. That just got me to thinking.....Do we hold the bfamily of our adopted children to a higher standard than we would someone else in our child's lives? By that I mean, do we expect them to WANT to interact with our children more than, say, an aunt would? My sisters treat my ason no different than my biochildren or their other nieces and nephew. They adore him! He is the baby of the family and spoiled rotten! They see him more than once a week most of the time. If they missed his birthday party I would know there would be a vaild reason to make them miss it. I would expect them to be there, but hey, life happens. On the flip side, my ason's bmom rarely sees him. Not once since March. I have offered numerous dates and places but so far...NOTHING. Now I would expect her to want to see him even more than I expect my sisters to. Why do you ask? Because she gave birth to him! I adore my neices and nephews, but my kids are my top priority. She is not parenting him, but I still EXPECT her to want to see him. I expect her to show up when she is supposed to. But when she doesn't show, I DO NOT expect a valid reason for her absense. I would love to get a valid explanation, but I've learned not to expect that from her. Heck, in all honesty, I have learned to expect nothing from her and that really makes me mad!

Feeling, I think you have a valid question that you have somewhat answered too. Yes, I think we all hold BFamilies (BMom's espeically) to a higher standard as they are in our minds as connected to our children as we are. We wouldn't miss anything with our kids and expect them to not want to either. The one thing that we all have to keep in mind, not saying this is how your son's bmom is, but it might be too difficult for them to be that involved too. Aunts and Uncles see only the happy part of our childrens lives. They see that they have a happy family. The bfamily sees that happy family through sad eyes. They see that they can't give that happy life to their child and it may make it harder to be there for the happy moments, or visits for that matter. Now, you and I have talked so I don't think this is where your sons bmom is coming from at all. Your anger towards her is fully justified. I just answered from my heart in a general manner. :grouphug:

Finally, I believe you have made an acurate assessment for a lot of amom's when you said that we feel like the bmom should be as connected to the child as we are. And I believe that MOST are just as connected and, like you said, it's just too hard for them to be there. Yet at the same time, you were able to convey that that is not how ALL bmom's feel. And I believe you are correct in that as well. It is very hard to tell how someone is feeling, unless they tell you. However, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. And if you truly want to be there for a child, family, a friend, whomever, you don't tell them to expect you then just don't show up with NO explanation at all. I know this is totally OT, so sorry!

Not off topic, especially with me knowing more about your situation. I too would hold someoone accountable if they said they were going to do something and then didn't. I think everyone wants to be able to trust others in what they say they will follow through on. When things are not done it hurts all parties involved.

Belle, I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling and I think your son will appreciate all that you are doing as well. I hate to sound "harsh," but as an attorney, I often have to tell clients, "It is what it is." (Glad they pay me so much for such deep advice, haha!). But honestly, there are some things that you can't change and you can only work on your own actions, emotions, etc. Part of the problem I see in OA is that everyone probably has different ideas about what that looks like in their own adoption situation (both birth and a parents). I have been upset that we have not received some things that were promised, but I also understand that maybe DD's birth mom would like to see us more, etc. She doesn't get to "see" her in person very often and I am sure that is hard. It is hard for me that I have to deal with what to tell DD about her sisters when she may never see them again for a long time (I am not going to lie about who they are to her). We all have our own feelings and they probably all are "justified" to some extent. At the end of the day, we all have to be comfortable with the things we do for our children. And I think sometimes we all have to "protect" ourselves when things aren't changing/developing the way we would like. (I haven't been able to change my husband, dangit, and it's been 15 years!).

I was told once, that anger was really just fear finding it's way out...So if you're angry...stop and ask yourself what's making you so afraid?