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It has been a while now since I began the long, slow climb out of that dank basement I wallowed in. In that time I have mused a great deal on that place so grey and somber; so hollow.
There was a time you know when I had other things to deal with; far more pressing matters - or so I thought. And so I lived my life on two, separate levels. My mind and will were focused on survival; while my heart remained locked away in the murky underground hole it had dug for itself the day I walked out from beneath a little metal clock.
The cost of digging such a hole has been great. A loss of self; of time; a standing back in emotional deadness as the years drifted by before me. And I ever mindful of the need to keep my extreme sorrow buried beneath the dirt of the past. My shame almost as deep as the basement itself.
But I have come to see that birthmothers are not the only ones who've paid for that dismal, dimly lit denial.
It seems that many adoptees have the paid the price as well.
In the past weeks I've borne witness to their stories as they post, agonizing over why it is that the person who gave them life would want nothing more to do with them. That they are perhaps little more than reminder of a history just as soon forgotten.
What a terrible thing, these basements we dug.
What a bitter reality that there are women out there still who would choose on some level to stay locked away from the truth; from the light of day. Prisoners of a past they cannot change or even glance at.
I can't think of a worse fate than to awaken one day only to realize what I did to my child in not having the courage to face myself.
There is no other word for it but tragic.
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Janey, I think the two of think alike as far as birthmoms who don't want to meet their kids go. I don't understand them...I really don't. Now, I know intellectually all the reasons they may not want contact with their now-grown children, the big one being that the bmom stuffed all her feelings and grief way down inside herself and doesn't want to deal with the pain. But I still don't understand it in my heart.
The first few years following the relinquishment of my son, I felt numb. And then in 1979, I read one of Betty Jean Lifton's books. And somewhere in the middle of the book, she wrote something to the effect that if you were a birthmother and you had gotten this far into the book, you would never be able to go back to that place of numbness and hiding. And dang it, she was right! I was no longer numb...I was in agony. And I knew darn well that if I ever wanted a semblance of well-being in my life, then I had to do something about all these feelings and experiences. Hence, my long journey began.
It's hard for me to know how to respond to the threads written by adoptees who have been brushed off by their birthmothers. I don't know these women... I've never met bmoms like them. Why would I? These closed-off bmoms would never go to triad support groups or forums like these. I've just never met them in my journey.
I just want to gather these kiddos into my arms, and make sure they know all the way down into the depths of their souls that they are worthy human beings. That it is not them, that it's their birthmoms who messed up. I will never understand as long as I live why some people are so afraid of loving others and being loved in return. I have a hunch it's because some people hate themselves so much that they don't feel worthy of love. Maybe that's what happens with birthmoms who never go on the journey...I just don't know.
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Janey and Raven, I'm with you. I have to admit, my heart aches for both the adoptee and for the birth mother. I want to say to all adoptees... I'll be your mother (Yeah, I know, that's not what they're looking for.) The birth mothers are missing so much joy because they fear facing the pain. Janey, I never hid in that dark basement, although I think I was numb my senior year in college. That was the year of denial. I tried to convince myself it was done and other with and to just go on, although as I have told you, it affected many decisions I made for my future. Thinking about it recently, I decided it's no wonder I wasn't an "enthusiastic" student teacher and didn't get great grades. (They were ok, just not great.) Those of you who have gotten to know me may realize I'm not very good at burying things (my poor husband has had to deal with me and my emotions for 35 years now.) I was in a pretty good place (I thought) when I found D. What I have found is that I now am revisiting everything. I am once again processing the loss, this time as I have the privilege of watching D's children grow. At the same time I wouldn't have missed it for anythng. I love getting to know this man who is "flesh of my flesh" and being part of his life. Ultimately, it it what I wish could be for all adoptees and their bparents.
Hey Everybody!
Thanks for the responses! Always good stuff! :-)
Raven
I don't understand at all either. These are their children for crying out loud!! Their children! Whether they haven't seen them for 30 years doesn't change it. I mean, okay...so some of us are shamed of our actions in our youth...some of us hate where we came from....what has that got to do with it? Those are issues to resolve, not to hang around a child's neck like an albatross.
Liz I know we're almost the same age though you're younger and therefore the "Spring Chicken" :flower: So I guess we could only be sisters. But if you were my daughter? A dynamic and honest woman such as yourself? That would be a grand thing indeed my friend! :flower:
Kathy
(((( Kathy )))) You are the model on which I base my hopeful reunion. Somehow you have managed to walk the fine line....or rather I should say the tightrope of reunion and you walk it with dignity, grace and compassion. You are the mark my good friend. I am glad for you too, that you are getting to know your son; that you are getting to hold and love your grandkids. Grandkids are our second chance aren't they? Our chance to finally maybe get it right; or right most of the time.
-Maggie Welcome here! The women here are wonderful and wise and each brings a strength, at least to me at any rate. I am so very happy for you that you were able to reunite with your birthdaughter! It gives me hope. May God bless you and yours today and everyday! :grouphug:
Much hugs guys!
I have a hunch it's because some people hate themselves so much that they don't feel worthy of love. Maybe that's what happens with birthmoms who never go on the journey...I just don't know.
What I have found is that I now am revisiting everything. I am once again processing the loss, this time as I have the privilege of watching D's children grow.
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Thanks for the welcome Janey! :)
I can relate with Kathy, processing the pain all over again. I'm still processing a lot of it, but it's getting easier. Reuniting was well worth all of the pain and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! I will do anything for my bdaughter. She means so much to me!
My heart breaks for those unwilling to reunite. It's a rough road, but the children are worth it in my opinion.
I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone here. It is such a big relief to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with all of this. :p