Why do non-adoptees think we are crazy for searching?

I used to feel that way, not telling others, once I left the small town where I grew up and everyone knew. I finally have decided to "toughen" myself by being completely open about my status - which has led to some surprising friendships. As long as we hide in the shadows, we don't know that person next door may have the same issue. Maybe we should all wear a scarlet "A" on our foreheads on one particular day - and let everyone else wonder what it's all about...?

They don't walk in your shoes and are CLUELESS! They KNOW their parents! They can SEE THEIR parents! They can HOLD THEIR parents! People can NOT understand when they are NOT in the situation!

Gorilla: As an adoptive parent, your words are just the kind that strike fear. For all of 25 years, I thought I was the parent! See me, hold me, talk to me. I'm not invisible!I gave my daughters every scrap of information I had, both official written and unofficial verbal. I had no problem with that. But if they had wanted to search and find all their bio-kin then I would have felt like a failure as a mother.I am all for open records - names, background info and above all complete medical records. But I stiffen when I read all about the inexorable searching for bio-mom, bio-dad, bio-sibs, half-sibs, bio-aunt, etc. Like anybody "bio" is better than anybody who adopted and raised them. I hope it is because the adoptive family was horrible -- because if they were good, kind, loving people then what was the point of adopting? They might as well have just fostered.Sorry if I sound cranky. It is early and I haven't had my first dose of caffeine yet. But this is how I feel about all of the "I am eighteen now I get to find my REAL parents so how do I start" postings.

MamaS, I must admit that I'm surprised...for some reason, I thought you only disapproved of reunions involving teenagers and young adults. I didn't realize that it was all reunions. Personally, I don't think an adoptee's desire to search and/or reunite has anything to do with the quality of parenting he or she has received while growing up. I've known plenty of adoptees who have reunited with their birthparents who have very loving, very solid relationships with the parents who raised them. They weren't looking for replacement parents...they just wanted to get to know their biological relatives. They didn't do it to hurt their parents. Even if you give someone all of their birth records, including the actual adoption file, they may still want to actually meet their birth families. Some people have this need, while other people simply don't. I don't think there's much rhyme nor reason as to who will search and who won't search. I guess I would meet your requirements for reunion, since my son was abused while growing up. But then again, my son's parents were the ones who opened the door to the reunion in the first place. (Somehow that always seems to make some people feel better...that somehow it would have been wrong if my son or I had initiated a search, rather than his parents tracking me down). The wonderful thing that happened after reunion is that my son was able to eventually forge a more positive relationship with his parents. He loves them very much, and I know they love him. I know we all have a right to our own opinions, but your post just made me feel so sad....

Raven - You mis-read me. Probably the lack of caffeine. I don't disapprove of all reunions. In fact, I don't disapprove of any reunions!(Although I do have a problem with people who encourage b-moms with "she turned 18 yesterday so her a-parents have no right to object to your contacting her on MySpace" approach.)The original questioner asked "Why would someone object?" and I answered that searching made adoptive parents feel like they didn't do a 'good enough' job as parents. If the a-parents really were "bad parents" then it is natural that the adoptee would be angry and maybe want their b-parents to know -- "Look what you gave me up to" or "I would have been as well off with you, even if we were poor."But if the a-parents were "good" or at least "average" and their child hits 18 and starts The Search then it feels a little like being a foster parent and the child saying "I've aged out and I am going home." I admit I CAN'T see it from the adoptee's point of view, because I have never been there. But I can give one a-parent's view (and I know there are others -- all the way from total open adoption to never tell them they are adopted and everything will be fine --).To summarize:Q: Why would someone object to an adoptee searching for his/her birth parents?A. Because to some people: Searching = Bad Adoptive Parentsand we tried hard and did our best, which wasn't good enough or the child we love wouldn't be searching for other parents.Q: Is this logical?A: No, absolutely not. But love is not logical.

MamaS, thanks for responding. LOL, I haven't had enough caffeine yet, myself. I'm up super early, watching all the pre-inauguration stuff on TV. :coffee: Anyway, now I understand what you were saying in your previous post. And you're right...I did mis-read it. BTW, I have problems with the MySpace thing too. :p

MamaS, No one can replace my mom and dad...not going to happen...they are my hero's, who I turn to, they loved me/love me unconditionally. After my dad passed away I mourned, still mourn, but am at peace with it because dad is still with me in everything I do and say, because he was the one who taught me his strengths and values. NEVER THINK OTHERWISE, to do so is a disservice to your child and the bond you have. I always wanted to search but never wanted to hurt my mom and dad...and then I got sick with a life threatening disease...and my doctors told me to search not only for me but for my families sake so they could protect themselves as well. Because of the perception that 'society' has deemed to be the right one, 'adoptees who search had bad parents', I did not search when I needed to for my soul and instead I bottled it up and did the stiff upper lip facade that 'society' dictated. When all I wanted to know was where I came from. I cannot even begin to describe the peace that has come from the search, nor the pain from those who rejected me, but it has helped my soul begin to heal. The ability to grieve for what could have been while at the same time not willing to give up the life I had/have with my mom and dad. Nothing in life is black and white, there are more shades of grey in this life that most realize. Give up my mom and dad? Never...Give up my birth family? Never...I am the bond that makes them all one family in my eyes and heart. Kind regards,Dickons

They don't walk in your shoes and are CLUELESS! They KNOW their parents! They can SEE THEIR parents! They can HOLD THEIR parents! People can NOT understand when they are NOT in the situation! I'm an adoptee, and to be honest, I don't get this. My point? I don't have to get it. It is how you feel and nobody should tell anyone how they should feel. So you and I may have similar situations on the surface, but I don't get how you feel and you may not get how I feel. Everybody's situation is unique. Everyone's feelings should be respected, at least, in my opinion.

I hear you... Susan

I just wanted to add that i really don't believe the "quality" of parenting that adoptive parents do has any correlation to decisions to search/reunite, etc. my husband (an adoptee) is grossly a "mama's boy." he and his mom are so much alike, it's annoying! it's hard to imagine a guy who loves his mom/does as much for his mom as my DH. yet after we adopted, he felt a sort of "need" to try to find his birth mom and let her know he was OK, etc. they are in the very, very "nascent" stages of reunion...we'll see what happens. my SIL when she was planning a family decided to search for her birth mom as well....they had a very good reunion until sadly her birth mom died. my BIL has zero desire to search. says he simply is not interested. in any event, these three kids were all parented by the same parents and have totally different views, you know? i'd hate like heck to think of my MIL hurting over reunion (she actually was pretty cool when my SIL reunited with her birth mom). anyway, i guess 'cuz I have "seen" it and know how much these three kids love their parents, i really don't read anything "negative" into searching/reunion...jmo!

Thanks for all the views on the topic. I have come to believe that Americans are responsible for the whole "sealed adoption" concept - it seems linked to Puritan views about illegitimacy. My own adoption decree states that as a result of the court's actions, I should be considered henceforth "as if born in lawful wedlock." Implying that through some fault of my own, I was a product of sin and therefore accursed myself but for the cleansing grace of the Jackson County Court and Catholic Charities - sort of like being "washed clean" by baptism.Perhaps that's why I have so little tolerance for fundamentalists of any ilk, from the Wahabists of Saudi Arabia to the Christian Taliban of the USA? At a recent wake for a member of my adoptive family, my cousins spent hours going over physical resemblances to old family photos going back six generations. I don't believe it ever occurred to them that my adopted sister and I might want a similiar experience...

As a birthmom, I feel a deep seeded NEED to know that my son is ok and had a good life... I hand picked his parents and believe in my heart that they were the absolute best people I could have possibly placed him with- They were lovely people and would provide him with all the love and support and acceptance that he could ever need- as well as being able to provide him with the stability and financial security that I was not able to at that point in my life. I am making it easy for him to find me if and when he ever wants to- If i find him, I don't plan on making contact jst yet- it is more important to me know know that he is alive and well. I would never want to try to take over parenting duties or the name Mom from his parents. I also would never want them to feel threatened by me or by his desire( if it exists) to find and get to know me. THEY ARE his parents, I CHOSE them for him-- I just happen to be someone else who loves him very much.... JMHO Kerri

I wrote a BOOK"! LOL and I think it got erased because I wasn't logged in. I wanted to say to Mama S. that I was referring to children with biological parents who don't know what it's like to search. I'm sorry you thought I "struck fear". I don't know why! Can you please tell me what I said wrong?!

MamaS, I think your perception is acommon perception amongst many. Even those that are not associated with adoption and some adoptees. I think that is a perception that may stop some adoptees from searching the fear of hurting their parents. I think that is really sad. Again, searching for many adoptees has NOTHING to do with their aparents and everthing to do with themselves. they are searching to just complete the picture of themselves. Where they came from, who are their ancestors, where did they get the singing ability, IS there any latent singing ability(thats what i was hoping for...dang it), all of those questions that biopeople take for granted. Then of course the most important real updated medical information that is important to them and more importantly their children and grandchildren. Thats a HUGE piece that we are missing and if in fact you can come to a point to understand it and take yourself out of it you can fully support YOUR child in their search for themselves your child will hopefully minamize the turmoil of wanting to find what is theirs. Its not alwys about relationships at all, although to have a decnt one where all the mothers can somehow understand their child and accept the fact that their child has 2 mothers would make it a whole lot easier for the one that is adopted. I can asure you from my point of view that when I lost my mom to cancer I can not beleive that the grief I felt at her loss and still do , that it was any differnt tehn when a "real" child losses their mother.

Thank you for searching, it gives me hope that my half sister may be searching. There is a connection that we feel that many others may not ever experience. I will never stop searching until I find that common connection. I just pray that her adoptive parents were honest with her. Searching for SIS(f) born April 15, 1975 Lakeland, Florida BM: Dora Lee Stebbins,born Nov. 21, 1959 in Ill., Chicago Bm age 15 years old Love always and forever searching, Heidi