adoptee in need of advice from adoptive and birth moms

"But when I mention finding my birthfather the whole thing changes....hmmmm. what I have done with that is to not fight with him over it, he is who he is(stubborn, a bit know-it-ally) and love him anyway! But I will do what I have to do when the time comes. I will NOT shove it in his face or expect understanding...not because he is bad, just because he can't give it to me. His feelings are way to ingrained and they belong to him not me." that's my dad too. First mom not such a problem, first dad ouch I just happened to find my first dad first, adad said "this is hardly fair, hurry up and find your mom" But if you think about it, in my case anyway, and many others, we didn't need mothers, we needed fathers, replacement fathers. My adad blames it all on my father for not standing up and being a responsible man, it's all his fault. He did it to me and my mom, not my mom. My mom was 19, old enough, her family had money, our only problem was she didn't have a husband in 1962. My adad, big daddy, the king of the clan dad, the rescuing dad, the financially stable dad, the stand up dad, the alpha dad, the dad that didn't have to do it but wanted to and did- in his mind there is no way any other dad is going to step in our picture, he's not welcome on this turf and never will be. Adad has always spoke kindly of my mother, I believe even has some unconditional love for her, but has never had a kind word about my father. He had his chance and didn't take it, real men don't do that, too late now, anger and disappointing looks is all he gets, that's my adad's thinking on that end of my reunion. In adad's world, he has completely replaced and eliminated forever my first father, he is not needed in my life in any way, he doesn't deserve to know me. Thinking that will never change. I have no real choice but to understand and accept it. I can understand and forgive, adad can't even consider it. So I just do what I am going to do and we put it on the list of things we don't talk about.

WOW beth, Your right about how the adads may feel about biofathers! I never thought of it in those terms. Especially coming from the closed era. It was very common and accepted for the dads of the situation to desert the pregnant mothers and they were truly left with no choice. Yes the fathers were judged as being "not man enough" in some instanses and that just may be where our dads are coming from! That did help me to understand better! Thanks. I honestly thought he didn't want to accept another man as being my father but the more I think about it the more I realize(knowing my dad )that there may be a peice of denial but also the whole "honarable" mindset come into play. He was very non judgmental and understanding towards my biomom but has no interst in talking about my unknown biofather. In my case, my biomom got pregnant with me and apparently they were to get married. They went as far as going for blood test(and I know that for a fact because I have a copy of hers that came with the records from Booth memorial hospital) and he took a runner! Not a very honarable thing to do to both my biomom and me.

((( TxMom65 ))) First Happy New Year to ya! :love: On this quote of yours above - I wanted to share a very special story with you: I once posted on this site about a marine who went back to Vietnam to find his birthparents. The marine's father had placed the boy and his sister aboard a retreating U.S. helicopter at the end of the Vietnam War. (This was a spur of the minute decision by the father who was trying to save his children's lives because the North Vietnamese were advancing on Saigon and he feared his children would be massacred.) :( :( The children reached the U.S. but it was thought that their parents had been killed by the NVA and so they were granted asylum and eventually adopted together by an American man and his wife. Anyway....twenty years later the marine is at the airport waiting to go to Vietnam to find his birthparents and his adoptivemom is there with him. She begins to cry and is saying things like: "Once you find them you won't want to come back. You won't love me anymore. You won't need me anymore." I can especially understand this poor woman's fears considering the circumstances surrounding her son and daughter. As a mom myself, I felt so bad for her - she was so afraid. :hissy: Her son the marine held her and reassured her over and over that she was every bit as much his mom as his birthmother was, that he loved her always and that no one could ever replace her. :flower: That was without a doubt one of the most touching news stories I ever saw. They did a follow-up a year later. The marine had found his birthparents and visited them when possible. But when they showed him in the follow-up segment, he was enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with his adoptive parents and he said that he was glad to be "home with my family". Just something I thought you could keep with you for the times when you're afraid that you'll be replaced. :love: Lots of hugs your way today!!:grouphug:

I wanted to add something and I suppose there will be no response. That's okay. First and foremost of course, Jenn363 - I am so very glad you and your adoptivemom got to talk!!! :-) Sounds like you guys have found a good path to walk on together!! Kudos to you both!! :-) ....To the adoptivemoms in here who are threatened by birthmothers; frightened that we will come into our children's lives and try to turn them away from their adoptivefamily. And to the birthmothers who are afraid of being sabotaged by adoptivemothers....... I don't know what kind of woman would deliberately do such a thing to another woman. A person would have to be desparate, afraid, pathologically selfish.....the list is endless. This much I will say. I am a woman who relinquished two children, and whatever anyone may say of me - how harshly they judge that....trust me when I tell you that I know what loss is. That does not mean that I have suffered more than others or less than others. I have just suffered differently. But because of what I know of loss? Well then, of all the things I pray I never, ever do in my life....I pray I never try to turn a child from their mother. I honestly think I'd rather go back to the street than be a person who would do such a thing. Making war on another parent? Disrupting the lives of my children in the process? No thanks! If I'm going to sell my soul, it's not going to be for that. Nope.

Thank you for the story. It was touching and deep down, I do know that my daughter will always be mine no matter what she does in regard to her birthfamily. I just know that when it happens those are feelings I may have. I will support her however I can. I have raised my stepson since he was little and I have always encouraged him to respect, love and visit his mother. There were times when a long span would go between contact and when the contact came, I was always encouraging and positive. Maybe I felt insecure inside, but I would never let him see that. It may be irrational, but I can't describe it. I hated myself at times for how I was feeling inside. It should never be an "us against them" thing, but all of us working together. Make sense, or do I need more coffee?

Hey "TxMom"! :grouphug: :-) It's called faking it till you make it. LOL! And I think I do my lion's share of it most days myself!! :cheer: As for coffee? I'd share a cup with you and the good people in here anyday!! You all are a gift to me! :cheer: Much hugs yours way!

That's not called irrational - that's called being human! :grouphug: And it's not exclusive to adoption... We all want to believe that we're "enough", ya know?And the emotional struggle begins when we feel we're being irrational - when our mind tells us one thing, but our heart tells us another... When our mind KNOWS that there's "enough" love, time, etc. for two moms or whatever the case may be...but our heart hurts just the same...because unfortunately, logic and emotion don't always go hand and hand...but that's ok - we're all entitled to our emotions, ya know??? And hopefully with time (and maybe some therapy) we can sort them out and see them for what they are... And like Janey says, fake it til you make it - that was my motto for about 6 years...and I've made it! For the most part :evilgrin: OH! and if you happen to be in Michigan on Tuesday, take Janey up on her offer and join us for coffee! :cheer:

I've found forgiveness for my father, he may not have been an honorable man back then like my adad says, but he's human and is standing up for me now. MOMS :) LOL I always know when my amom is faking it :) and I am glad she is faking it if she can't do it for real, so I don't call her out. But I can tell when it bothers her, she has these uncontrollable funny faces, her voice sounds funny or she stutters... I know my mom well, she's been my mom for a long time! So I sneak in a hug or some kind of reassurance when I "sense" her insecurity. And yes, I have always sensed "it", probably since I was 4. At 17 my daughter went with me to meet my mom for the first time. That night my daughter got very upset and had pitiful crying like a homesick kid cause she felt bad, guilty, disloyal because she wasn't with her Nana. I tried to comfort her and ease that feeling, cause I know it too. My amom was thrilled to hear that one :) and immediatley began to plan a shopping trip for the two of them.... I think the feeling of being replaced or left out is fairly "normal" during reunion and usually temporary for everyone in the families, including the adoptee. One of the biggest reasons adoptees don't search and reunite is fear of exile or loosing the only side of their family that they know. In my case, my aparents "got it" for a while until they saw they really didn't need to worry about such things. My abrothers were worried I liked my other brothers more, or that all of a sudden my abros weren't "real" bros and their kids weren't real nieces and nephews (they are real to me.) My paternal brothers weren't bothered much, but caught it when I spent more time with one than the other thinking I liked him more. In this case I am glad I only have one sister cause for a while she was afraid our mother would like me more, or my kids more, or that I would take her mother away from her and her kids. My kids are jealous of the other grandchildren and protective of all grandparents and don't want share their afamily with any of the first family kids. And at first they felt guilty about being with first family, felt they weren't being loyal to agrandparents, I caught and fought that one too for a while. My mother's son doesn't even know about me yet, momma is afraid he won't understand or will leave her or take his kids away from her if he finds out. (it's been 8 years....but she knows him better than I) My mother was afraid she would loose her family - husband and kids - if they knew about me. My father was afraid I wouldn't be able to forgive him, and is very "unsettled" that I love another dad probably more than him. And worried that his wife would leave him when she found out about me. My husband thought at times I was leaving him out, or would leave him for everyone else... ok well I was leaving him out some, but he's had me the most, he gets plenty of time with me daily, he needed to get over it and learn to share, he did, today we are planning our 25th anniversary party in march... so I guess we lived thru reunion too. my friends were pretty sure i had abandoned them for my family and they would never see me out and about again. The feeling of rejection is no fun for anyone. As an adoptee I know that feeling well. There has been a lot of grieving over losses by everyone in my circle, and a lot of growing and personal work by each of us. And it continues I think if I hadn't proceeded thru my reunion sharing and keeping the thought in my mind constantly that there IS enough love in this ocean, and everyones ocean for all of us... I doubt I would have relationships with anyone at this point. It was up to me not to allow anyones insecurities to keep me from building relationships with everyone that I want to in my family, it is HARD. If I wanted to make this reunion work, I had to do what I could to ease these uncertain feelings in everyone involved. It's not up to me to make everyone feel better, but this continual process of reassurance is getting easier and less frequent. I did what I could and hoped the person would see all the love in the ocean and deal with their own issues, most did. Each of us has a place in each others lives, no one replaces another. I think everyone in my clan pretty much knows that now, only a few stragglers remain, and that is their choice. I'm sorry they feel that way, but it really has nothing to do with me. I hum or sing this song, especially around amom since she made me go to girl scouts, when i feel uncomfortableness in the air Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold... I am sure part of her is wishing I'd never learned that song!

This so true! I'm at the very beginning of getting to know my bmom. My amom and step-mom want to meet her and vice versa. The running joke between us right now is that "fractalgirl has three moms". I'm trying to be open and honest with everyone involved while keeping stock of my needs first of all. Thank you all so much for your insight! :love:

Right on Belle! I think it's so awesome that you and your mom have each other to learn from and gain perspective together. That's awesome. Your point about the platitudes was what I was trying to say (thanks for putting it better than me!). It may be true, but it's rarely helpful. I do believe it is all well meant, especially in difficult situations, but it seems like so often they are used to explain why someone shouldn't feel scared or hurt and everyone should just be happy. Like telling a birth mother "Don't worry! Studies show most adoptees want to know their birth families." That may be true, but I don't think it makes the personal experience of being a birth mother any easier. Hearing "fill-in-the-blank" doesn't make the personal experience of living through the first intense stages of your child's reunion any easier. And it can be very un-validating, like "you shouldn't feel like you do because ____" or "you're wrong to feel that way because don't you know that______?" When you are living the situation, it's deeply personal and intense and the outside unaffected views and assurances have no bearing on what it feels like to be you in the situation. Jen- I think it's awesome your mother was able to articulate what she's feeling and you know that it's not something you caused or can cure. It's the exact same grief I went through. Give yourself and your mom a hug from me. Raven, I continually marvel at the understanding and mutual respect that has marked your reunion, and continued for so many years- especially knowing that your reunion was not an easy one and that it really took work on everyone's part to make it the longstanding success it is. TXmom- you can certainly come here when the time comes! Being here now, gaining as much perspective ahead of time, will also help. :) fractalgirl- I hope things continue to go well for you and all your moms. :)

So true. Everyone is an adoption expert too because their brother's uncle's cousin's sister's dog adopted and abandoned squirrel once.

haha! yeah...that happens.:arrow:

Beth, you pretty much summed up the whole reunion thing from the eyes of an adoptee....our need to know impacts lots of people doesn't it! It doesn't mean we are invalidating anyone else when we say they have their feelings and we have ours...its just it gets pretty heavy when you factor in the rest of the world! My mom voice changed when she got insecure....it would raise an octave.:love: ..wish I could hear that raised octave now!..She has passed away...as has my biomom:hissy:

I would say that communication is key to everything. I'm personally glad that there are adoptive mothers here that are open enough to share their feelings. I personally wish I could magically go back a year ago and have a conversation with my son's amom. I would let her know that I could not and would not and would never think I could replace her. That her son-our son-always had 2 moms and I just wanted to try and find my place in his life now that he found me. We both thanked each other-her for raising him, me for having him-but we never really went beyond that. I wish that we could have shared more of OUR feelings with each other, but we did not. I still feel like maybe I should send her an email, to talk to her, but I'm a little unsure. I have a hard time communicating with her, she is the same age as my mother and whenever I am around her or talk to her or email her, I feel like a kid, like that 17 year old who relinquished her son to this woman. Even though I am now 45 years old, have 2 more children, married, good job, blah blah, I still feel like a kid around her. I don't know, now I'm hearing she is trying to help my son "get over" me, whatever the hell that means. At one time, my son asked me to call her and email her and I have but it only goes one way-she never emails or calls me unless it is in response to an email I sent her and I feel like she has some unresolved issues with me. I want her to know I actually love her with all my heart for raising my son, for loving my son, and for being his mom. I know she is really his mom, I am too but I didn't raise him so she is the one he calls mom. As much as I am jealous of her, I love her too. I wouldn't have him without her. I don't even know if she realizes that, if she realizes that without her loving him, raising him, seeing him through his good times and bad (there have been lots of bad), without her taking him to soccer, taking him to the dr, listening to him, helping him through heartbreaks, nose-breaks, helping him become a man, I would not have a son to love. She has guided him through this life, and even though he has problems and issues, he is deep-down a sweet and loving man and even though he looks just like me, acts just like me, has my same hands, same laugh, same crazy hair, SHE raised him and for that I will always love her and she will always be in my heart forever.

This is an interesting thread. I wish I could talk to my amom about my contact with my 1/2 siblings, she has always told me she would understand and I know she would understand but I know she'd be so upset too. To clarify, I think if she knew I had been in contact with my bmom for a while, she would probably feel threatened, as though I was going to love bmom more or something, I know I could sit down with her and talk but she is in the early stages of Alzheimers and I just can't do it now and it does cut me in two. Especially when I've just talked to my 1/2 sib on the phone and then I talk to her, I wish I didn't have to keep it all a secret, I hate secrets in adoption as it hurts.