Advertisements
Hi AllI found my BM just over a year ago and used the 'proper' chanels to make contact. It started off ok although BM and my Bsib's couldn't understand why I wanted to take it slowly. I guess I'm fortunate in that they want to know me and I've had this opportunity, but I feel this is enough now, with regards to my bm.To be frank, I was dissapointed when I met her. Although we get on to a point, we have quite different values and differing attitudes to life. She's had problem after problem in her life and doesn't learn from her mistakes. She calls me moaning about her finances, how she needs to get money, her husbands threatened violence/ infidelity etc. But the biggest problem is that she talks utter rubbish and tells me things which just aren't true, on a regular basis. There seem to be lots of mystery illnesses which suddenly dissapear. I was led to believe she had cancer when I first made contact. She does not have it (I'm pleased to say!).I find my relationship with her so draining. She wants me for emotional support/ someone to impose upon when she has problems. And money? I just don't know, she's phoned me a number of times saying her husband will beat her if she doesn't get a large sum of money, as she lost his money... when I asked straight if she was asking me for money she said no, she would never ask me. So why tell me then? If I thought her problems were genuine I would help, if I thought they would make a difference I would help but she's getting on in life and still living the same chaos she did all those years ago. She's in total denial of any responsiblity for my adoption or my brother growing up in care. Of course, it wasn't her fault... I was told by a b-relative that she had a personality disorder, which might explain some of her behaviour.Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't see much of a future in such an unbalanced relationship. I found out recently she doens't even know what I do for a living, she thought I was a student. Yet I talk about my profession frequently and have spent many years studying and working hard to gain my qualifications and get where I'm at. How can she not know this, not pay attention? It's so hurtful. She thought one of my children was at school already... she's still at kindy, which I talk about frequently too. When I tracked her, I had the feeling I would only want to to meet once of twice and not take things further and I feel I'm in too deep now. I had a poignant experience when she left to go home, when I looked at my little sister (bm adopted her) and thought how lucky I was that I wasn't going home with bm all those years ago when I was a little girl.I feel so bad that I don't feel connected to her and can't be the support she wants me to be but I just can't do it, it's too painful, too difficult.
Like
Share
Thank you for your kind reply and words of wisdom re personality disorders. I'm not ready to sever our relationship completely just now, but I do need time to understand and think things over.Posting about it has been really positive, I feel a weight off my shoulders and reading it has made me realise how difficult I find it with my bm and how bad things are.If we do disconnect permanently, I will almost certainly loose contact with my sisters, one as she is still a young child and lives with my bm, the other as she and my bm are very close and she's dependent on bm. My other siblings are older and independent. and one of them doesn't have contact with her anyway, as his childhood was so messed up and chaotic.With regards to the personality disorder she may or may not have (I have to keep an open mind, seeing as it was a relative not a clinician who told me), I've tried to make allowances. I've challenged some of her stories which I'm suspicious about and she never admits to lying, just comes out with cover stories. She seems to show no remorse for lying to me.I guess I don't want so much chaos in my life and don't want my children to think it's 'normal' behaviour. We probably won't see each other for some months now as we live a long car ride apart. I feel good for that and have already decided if and when we do see each other again, it will be in a public place, without my children, so I only have to stay a short while.I am very lucky that I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents and they are great role models.
Advertisements
There are so many people on these message boards who have dealt with very similar situations. I'm sure some of them will be responding to your thread shortly. It's still a tad early in the morning, well on the West Coast that is!
I can see why you're hesitant to lose contact with your siblings. This is a really hard situation, IMHO. I think your plan for meeting up with your birthmom in public places sounds like a good solution.
As far as the lying and no remorse, I have a step-sister who is the same way. It just always amazes me when I catch her in a lie, and she comes up with another one to cover the first lie. She's been doing it since she was a little girl, and now she's in her 40s, so I think it's just a lifelong thing. (She's one of my relatives who I just retain casual contact with, mostly on holidays.)
You're so right about how writing this stuff down, whether on message boards or in a journal, can really help. I have been helped so many times during the past couple years I've been coming here. There are some really great members on all three sides of the triad. I've gained so much insight into myself by listening to what others have to say.
Keep coming back, and keep posting...we're listening. :loveyou:
I can't blame you at all for not wanting to have a relationship with your birthmom. It sounds like her boundaries are so poor, and she is causing you a great deal of stress. She definitely shouldn't be turning to you for her emotional support system and dumping all this drama on you! I can tell you, that usually people like this will escalate their behaviour when you try to set limits, but set limits you must, if you are going to have any sort of contact. If she does have a personality disorder, it will be very hard to have any sort of healthy relationship with her. You will have to set strict boundaries and enforce them regularly. I speak from personal experience, as my mom (bio) has these issues. We don't have a typical mother/daughter relationship and I have to keep her at arms length most of the time, because she is very manipulative and controlling and also likes to stir up crap whenever she can.
I'm sorry your birthmom is not someone that you have much in common with, and that she cannot see beyond her own issues that she is being inappropriate in the way she is communicating with you. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
Keepitfluffy, I am sorry this has been such an emotional ride for you. You sound as if you care deeply about your youngest sis, as she is still home. This is tough in the way if you close the relationship(or lack thereof) you feel like this would be dishonoring your lil sis. You may very well be an example for her, and she may indee need you to be in her life. This does not mean you have to continue a toxic relationship with Firstmom. I truly feel you should be open and 100% honest with her, and always call her on her lies. Your lil sis, can still comminicate with you, regardless of your issues with her mom. To do this you would also need to be open to telling lil sis, the truth , of course age appropriate how you feel. I do not know how old lil sis is, but you could let her know you will always welcome having her in your life. This is such a sad story, and I wish I could offer some sort of magical solution. I agree with the others, if Firstmom, has a disorder, the likelyhood of having a civil relationship, may be nearly impossible. I too have a sister, whom has what you discribe with fmom, and I cannot be around her, I love her, but cannot be around her. I hope others can give you some wisdom. My thoughts will be with you. For what its worth, I think you are an amazing mom to not want this disfunction around your children, I will say a Prayer for lil sis too....C.J.
Advertisements
Wow I really feel for you here. I know you are not wanting to sever the relationship but I think it would be very wise to take a break for yourself.
Before
I knew who my bmom was, I knew her as my aunt(my amoms sister) and she would call me with these kinds of stories too, but she did this to everyone so it had nothing to do with her being my bmom. For my own sanity, I had to back off because she had the ability so suck the life out of people.
As some one else stated, you know the answer. Just know that you are not responsible to fix anyone's life Bmom or otherwise.
In my case even my bmom's raised kids knew to seperate themselves from her.
If anything just take a break and regain your own sanity for yourself.
EZ
Hi
sorry your relationship with bmom is not working out
Sadly, some people are pathological liars and nothing can be done about that, it's the way they are.
If she is stressing you out so much, then you may want to consider cutting contact or just keeping it to a very minimum, bd cards, xmas cards.
It is hard to say no I'm not going to talk to you and walk away, but sometimes it is the best thing when the person you are dealing with has soo many negative issues in their life.
Best wishes
Mary
bmom
Keepitfluffy as I was reading your thread i was thinking to myself..Personality disorder here!!!I have dealt with people like this through home and proffession and I can smell one a mile away!!!
If so, I am afraid any 'real' relationship will be very hard to accomplish.
Give narcissism a google and see what you come up with! Put in differing search titles...so much is out there!
If we are correct, you are dealing with a psychological disorder, not a behavioural one...a lot harder to deal with.
:hypno: Susie
Advertisements
Hi KeepItFluffy,
I wonder if you might update us on your situation. I find it very interesting. My daughter whom we adopted when she was 2 1/2 months old, seventeen years ago, recently reunited with her bmom. She has had a similar experience with her BMom not being appropriate. I'm not sure my daughter sees this as of yet, but her Dad and I have surely seen problems with the relationship. We are trying to sit back and let her make her own decisions regarding what type of relationship she has with her, but it is difficult to watch your daughter hurt. Not being able to take the pain away in your child is one of the most difficult experiences for parents. Just wondering what your have been experiencing lately. Thanks. Moooo
I had to make sure I wasn't reading my own post when I read this! I posted something very similar to your post a while back. I don't get on here often, but I really do need to, if anything to help encourage and uplift others, like what was done to me when I posted. I was thankful for the understanding and input. But anyway, seriously, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I have had a very similar if not exact type experience as yours with my birthmother, and although still keep contact, really just want to keep her at arm's length sadly because of the same type characteristics of what you describe about your birthmother. Very interesting. I wonder how common this is. My birthmother is very draining and seems to love drama in her life and others, even the constant mystery illnesses of one thing or another, exactly what you describe. I for one think it's attention seeking behavior and I have informed her outright I will not be sucked into it. I don't want to be cold, it's just I have felt at times I opened the door to basically take on another child in my life. It's disappointing. I'm sorry you have had the same experience.
I'm an adoptee that is also considering ending contact with my birth mother. Although, the situation isn't like yours, I understand how you feel. I haven't even met my birth mother, I've only communicated by emails and letters and told her I want to take things slow. But, I don't think I really want to meet her. I feel like finding her, getting pictures, and learning about her through letters was enough for me. I know she wants to meet but I tell her I want to take it slow.
Advertisements
Penguin82, The OP hasn't posted since 2009, so may no longer be monitoring this thread.
As for your situation, it can be difficult. Just continue to take it slowly. You may find, with time, that you do want to meet her. If not, that's okay, too.
I don't know why this happens. But, it seems to be a running theme: One person wants a relationship and the other doesn't.
Just remain honest with her and take it slowly.
Establish clear boundaries. Your siblings will eventually grow up and you have that opportunity. In the mean time keep your contact to a level you can cope with. She may or may not have narcissistic tendencies. Does she tell fantastic stories about being better than everyone else at something? Narcissists will drop you like a hot potato if you challenge them and make you feel like you are in the wrong. Try challenging her. They sometimes focus on one person who can do nothing wrong and they will tolerate a good deal from that person. In return you will be expected to listen until your ears bleed and they will have a reason why anything you suggest won't work to correct all of the drama etc.