failed adoption and devestated

Sorry MamaS I have to disagree with you. She said she had been to a bar the night before. I took that to mean the night before she changed her mind and took the child back. Is the mother an alcoholic or was she upset and looking to get out and think?I have heard time and time again how the eparent is so loving and generous and this and that, until they change their mind and then they become selfish and unfit parents. Not all people who live in bad environments are bad people or bad parents. I have taught in an inner city environment and as bad as the environment is, that is where the family can afford to live and that's that. It does not mean the family is a bad family. I went out to a bar the other night. Am I a bad parent?If the mother is harming her children, if she is an alcholic, or a drug abuser, I URGE the OP to please report the abuse with the facts needed to back it up so that the child is not in danger. If there is nothing to report, than I would not assume a parent can't be a good parent because of where they live. Saying she is keeping the baby for attention is an allegation. There are tons of people out there who would stand here and support someone who had a baby for a few days and lost them, but there are adoptive parents (not just bmothers) out there who do take offense when anger is put upon the expectant mother because she didn't place. Unless of course there was a scam involved, I can understand anger towards all of this happening to someone but not at the person who probably WANTED to give them a child, but just couldn't do it.And I know it's hard to come to terms with now, but things will work out in the end. No one here wants to make anything worse but everyone has an opinion and some people, like myself, tried to express ours with respect.

I'm sorry for what you are going thru - I can't imagine. Julie - you are entitled to your feelings of sorrow for this baby. Wheather a baby is YOURS or not you are entitled to your feelings. My heart has broken over the years to see children return to foster care due to abuse or neglect - you can have a broken heart while not claiming a child as "yours". If this baby is being neglected by whoever is parenting hopefully the system can step in.

This forum was established for the purpose of people who have had a failed or contested adoption. We make every effort to provide this area as a safe place to vent and grieve. Every category has a safe place for support, and other forums for information, discussion and debate. It cannot be a safe place if we allow posters to come here only to be chastised or even "educated". This is truly a forum for support. There is always other ways to inform & educate and other forums to do that on. The debate taking place here needs to stop. If you don't have anything to supportive to offer the OP, then simply do not post. Crick - Forums Administrator

Crick, I understand where you are coming from about the debate part of it, but really sometimes it is hard to support someone if they come across as bashing another person. In all fairness, sometimes I come to a thread sincerely wanting to support the OP and then I read on and find something that hits a sore spot with me and as much I want to offer hugs and support it is very hard not to say something that comes across as hurtful. For me I will just say nothing and just wait it out hoping someonelse will pick up on it. Honestly, IMO I really do not believe anything the post in question was that terrible. Sincere support was offered and even an apology if the OP was at all offended by her words. Having lived through a potenial asibling infant baby being returned when I was a young girl I still remember that pain. I also know that sometimes in our pain we cannot see things clearly so the sting of reality can come across as offesive. Couple that in with the fact that these are written words posted on the internet, it does place constraints on the non verbal communication. The question I have is what happens when someone sincerely wants to offer support and at the same time finds the post offensive? What then? I usually wait to see if someone else picks up on it too and says something and I really did find the OP to bea bit harsh in regards to the Bmom. Again, I hope an pray that the OP finds peace and healing and the baby that is meant to be hers finds her arms and that the bmom is able to provide the care that her baby deserves. EZ

I apologize if I offended anyone by my previous post. I usually participate in the adult adoptee forum, but I happened upon this post while browsing "today's posts" and only entered my thoughts to come to defense of a birthmom. In these forums all members of the triad care about each other -- I think it was just a matter of semantics in this case. Julie, I extend my full sympathies -- I can't imagine how horrible you must feel to lose the baby. I don't know how modern adoptions work but is there a possibility that the bmom might reverse her decision? Perhaps she will find that caring for one more child is overwhelming and give you a call... I have always felt that I was born to the child of my aparents, so please be assured that the child that is destined to be yours will come to you. Peace and hugs. :grouphug:

i am soooo sorry for your loss! i cant even imagine what you are going through right now. to you, it was your baby, if you took care of her, and fed her, and bathed her, and loved her, she was yours for them few days and you will always have them days to remember. I know its not much conselation, but all you can do now is pray that the lord will watch over this little girl for you. With that being said, I totally agree with you that someone, under these circumstances, who goes to the bar the day after they get their baby back is BS!! 100%. at the very least, IMO, this shows how much the baby actually means to her. Which is soooo sad. I will pray for that little girl and her mother, and that you will beable to get past the grief that you are experiencing. i'm sure that you will be wonderful parents someday soon. Rach

Julie, just wanted to express my full support for you. I recently also experienced a failed placement. Last October, I got contacted by my son's birthparents. They said that they were homeless and wanted to place my son's full biological sister for adoption. I hired a lawyer and flew out to California for the placement. I saw rightaway that something was wrong with the 18 month old girl was. She was very lethargic and withdrawn, did not create any eye contact, looked thin and pale and was not able to eat solid food.I was convinced that she was autistic until my social worker told me that these were the classical signs of neglect. I had the child for 24 hours in my care. I noticed that in addition to her strange appearance, she was sleeping a lot and had panic fear of closed doors. It turned out that her mother was out of the apartment during the day (doing what???) while her dad was sleeping (why???) and in order to keep the girl "safe", he locked her in a room that had only a TV in it.Her parents asked for a large amount of money and after the lawyer explained to them than this was illegal, they took her the child back Her father said to that he did not want her and that they needed money and are looking for the "best deal" (that's literally what he said) they could get for her via an adoption professional. I tried to plea, I told the father that we will give the girl a good life, send her to college, that she will be with her brother and that we would come for yearly visits but nothing helped. I asked him when he thought that he and his girlfriend would be able to properly care for the child and he said "that will take years ". I asked him if they will have more children and he said "probably". I had no choice but back out of the situation and like you, I reported her to CPS, and so did my attorney's caseworker. I never heard from the parents again, and CPS until this day is not able to locate them either because they are drifters.There has not been a day since then where I don't thin about my son's sister. I cannot forget her sad little face. Like you, I sense where her life is going and it breaks my heart. On the positive side, her brother is thriving and happy in our home and he has a wonderful life. It showed to me how powerful nurture is and maybe this is a very powerful lesson I have learnt from my story. Julie, it is hard to watch children going into homes where they will not be cared for properly. I understand you. It makes you feel helpless. Just know that while you cannot change all the lives that you touch, you WILL be able to change some. There will be another child for you that needs you very much and then the story will take a different ending. (If possible, next time try to adopt from a state where the potential birthmother can sign sooner). Do not give up hope, continue moving forward. My thoughts are with you. HUGS.

I am sorry to those that I have offended. I am hurting now and I know some understand and some dont feel I have a right to hurt...I guess. but every adoption is different. It involves different people and circumstances and all need to remember this. You have not talked with this person for months and heard the horrible statements that come from her mouth about kids and parenting .....I have! She is not a warm and fuzzy person by any means. You havent heard her yell and talk down to her kids like I have and it torments me that this little girl is going to have to be subjected to this. She is selfish and is sacrificing her daughter for her own selfish needs/wants. And to clarify the bar scene she did go the next day after getting her back. She really missed her I guess. Thats what I would do if I just got my daughter back? I pray that this child changes her but I won't ever know. I do pray that God watches over this precious child and keeps her safe. And again sorry to those that I offended but I am in this particular situation not you. thanks to those who showed me support but I don't know that I will be continuting on this forum.

Julie, you have EVERY RIGHT in the world to hurt. This baby was born in your heart and once born you held her and love her. She was taken away from you and regardless of the reasons please give yourself permission to hurt, feel the pain and heal. I have no magical way of taking your pain away except to tell you that I will be praying for you. I have had a failed placement and I can tell you first hand that it hurts so bad that I was finding myself mad at God. Once the intial anger subsided I was able to see that God had a baby for me, just not that one. Adoption is a great way to build a family, but it does bring some indescribale pain, be it for the bmom, adoptee or aparents. I pray that your heart may heal and that God send you the baby that is meant to be yours. DNAMN

Julie, I know your pain all too much. I had 2 failed placements and 1 failed match. 1 the bmom changed her mind after the bf came back into the picture. 1 the bmom found an agency that would get her more money and 1 in which the bmom disappeared and was not heard from again. My final match has worked. The bmom is not the best person and is currently in jail. We kept trying and have healed overtime. Failed placements are painful, and you must go through the greiving process. If you KNOW abuse is taking place report it, if not step back and get support and strat the hearing process. Best wishes.

I do not know how often you are checking in but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and please coutinue to keep us posted:grouphug:

I am so sorry about this situation. I understand what you are going through. I've been there. My son was murdered by his biological parents. Even though I have my second son, I will never forget my first son. He is always in my mind. He never had one minute of love since he went home. Only pain and misery and abuse in his 5 weeks on earth. Finally he was killed by being punched in the face with a closed fist5 times by a pimp. He should have been safe and warm in my arms. I only wish I had done something to protect him from the monsters who had him. I wish someone had. CPS was involved and they gave the bio mom this baby. Despite the fact that she was jailed just 10 months or so previously for neglecting her 4 other children. If they had asked her even one question about taking care of an infant they would have found out that she had no idea how to care for him and no intentions of doing it. If they had even done the slightest of investigations they would have found out that he went home to an empty crack house that had nothing in it for a baby. So by all means call them but don't expect them to be of any help for the little one. In this case not only did they give her the baby they gave her the other 4 children too so she could abuse and neglect them as well. These CPS workers are obviously useless people that do not do their job and let little babies get abused and murdered. They are just worthless! Obviously they have no accountability for their gross negligence and incompetence. The only recomendation I have, and the one thing I should have done, is to try to call the bio mom back in one or two or three weeks and see if she still wants the little one. If she is the way you say she will be tired of the baby by then and may decide to proceed with an adoption plan. A simple call saying hi, how are things going and how is the little one will not hurt anything. I feel that I could have tried harder to save my son's life. granted that Mom (and I use the term loosely) didn't have a phone anymore at that time. I could have gone to her crack house. I didn't know the extent of the evil these people had in them or of course I would have. There is no socially acceptable term for these people. My heart is still broken for the death of my son, and likely will never be mended, but at least he isn't suffering any more.

Juliejinks- I was in a very similar situation just 2 months ago. I would not have sent a dog to live in the situation the baby I was supposed to adopt almost went home too. Luckily, CPS stepped in and I hope that baby boy is safe tonight. I am so sorry for your loss. I send you big hugs and lots of prayers.

Oceanica, you had posted on the loss of your bay on another thread and I am so sorry for you. Oh boy, I agree with you that CPS is dysfunctional! :eek: How can it be that they are not able to locate the birthparents of my son?! Granted, they are "unstable" (is that how one calls people of a certain kind these days?), get kicked out of apartments, run away from the law, are homeless and they live in CA or in MA - but hey, they cash in their welfare check! How can one NOT find them??? When I filed the report with CPS telling them the I am the adoptive mom of a boy whose sister gets badly neglected, the person who answered the phone said "so you are a concerned neighbor?" She did not even LISTEN to what I had just said!!! :grr: I cannot forget the pale sad face of my son's little sister, and the thing that kills me is that I KNOW that we could rehabilitate her if we got her now. And I also KNOW that sooner or later something really bad will happen to her but there is NOTHING we can do. NOTHING. Julie, I think the advice to casually check in on the mother is good idea. Just give her some time to realize what caring for a baby is all about. The problem is, as my social worker explained to me, she might keep the baby because this is her ticket to welfare money (that's what my son's birthparents had been doing). Hang in there and let's talk.

Julie, I'm so sorry that things didn't work for your the way you expected. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Maybe you can keep the communication open between this confused mother and you and let her know that....if she ever feels that she can't take care of this little girl any more....you will be willing to open your arms to her again. I'm a bio and adoptive mother myself and...I think that motherhood is a rewarding experience. Don't loose hope. Miam