First Mom has another child

MamaS I have no problem with someone asking a question. I have a problem with people writing nasty poems that insult me as a birthmother who has surrendered two children. I'm not backing down on that. It was uncalled for and completely hostile. Did you really think you could write such a viscious thing as that and not upset people? Or do you not care? I suspect you don't care worth a dang or you wouldn't have posted it to start with. And to the person who made the comment about us mom's with more than one relinquishment under our belt "throwing our children away"............ Throw my children away!!!!? Am I reading this right? !!! Because I am a double-surrenderer, am I now being compared to women who toss their babies into dumpsters?!!!! Is that how I'm looked at? Let me clarify for the record..........I went to a court of law, faced a bank of attorneys, alone - save for one woman from CSS - sat in front of an arbitrator and signed relinquishment papers. I tesitied UNDER OATH that I was of sound mind and body and that I was not being cooerced into relinquishing my children. I did not give birth to my children in an alley and then throw them out in the trash!!! I have never sat in this site and asked for pity. I take responsbility for my actions. That means living honorably in the day and being honest with my children should I ever meet them. It does not mean sitting idly by while people who know nothing of my life or what I've witnissed in it stand by judging me like they are above me. I came here to apologize for losing my temper only to find myself more insulted than I was twenty minutes ago.

Manni, I see you've been concerned about this issue for a few years now.[url]http://forums.adoption.com/researching-open-adoption/233141-question.html[/url] <----- Reading this old thread and the one today it seems that you haven't yet found out how to deal with this situation.Have you talked with anyone on how best to resolve your issues on this subject? I wonder if the children don't subconsciously pick up on the negative views about the birth mother that some amoms have expressed today.

Jenna: didn't pass judgement on my son's bmom. I said we ( as aparents) have to "deal" with the situation of bmothers keeping some of their children but not the others. No one ( at least me) isn't judging, we are dealing with facts. Yo don't have to see your child's face when they are told the bmom has other children she is parenting. Even if the bmom tells the child it still may cause emotional scars knowing bmom kept the others but not them. P.S. My son's bmom chose me as his parent because I was able to be the parent she wasn't able to be.

These attitude are the very reason adoptee distance themselves from their aparents after they reunite with their bfamily. I would have rather my bmom tell me her reasons than my amom. These feelinng these aparents have are definatey going to be picked up on by the kids and whe they do hear their story from their bmom they will be posting on one of the angry adoptee siteand I don't blame them one bit. I never really understood the angry adoptees but after this thread I fully understand how they got that way. What a shame. EZ

Manni... I think we just have to agree to disagree on this one! You are never going to convince that there will ever be a need for you to be the one to tell your child that he has another sibling that she kept, and I will never be ble to stop you from doing exactly that. Just try to remember sometimes less IS better! And very rarely do birthmoms think that the aparents are going to be able to do the parenting job we can't, usually it is more like you can give him the things we can't and yes most of the time that has more to do with finances than with our inability to want to care for our children.

Heart string: To be honest, I do have a hard time understanding how a women can keep the some children but not the others? And maybe I am biased, because I feel if you can raise one, surely you can raise the other one.

People and their situations change though Manni. What I can do today, I may not be able to do tomorrow, next month, or next year. I can do some things today that I couldn't do last week, last month, or last year. Finances aside, isn't it possible that a mother that couldn't raise a child last year, can be in a different emotional or spiritual place today that will enable her to keep a child she is currently carrying?

I wasn't going to comment on this thread seeing as how heated it is but really I think most of the heat comes not from what was asked but HOW it was asked. If the real question is, "how should I explain to my children that their first mom chose to parent children before and after them" then why not just ask that? Sure some would probably still respond that its not your place to answer but I bet they'd be less defensive while doing it. Even the title of this thread comes off as judgemental. And as has already been addressed in another thread we really don't need to know how many men have fathered this woman's children. But since it was included lets go ahead and look at it. 3 fathers in 8 or 9 years. That's actually not that many men, care to share how many men you've slept with in any given 8 or 9 year time span in your life? (that last bit is rhetorical I have no right or desire to know)And as for everyone who keeps saying that birth control is so available. I disagree. Not every city/town has a clinic that gives out free condoms. Also my son was conceived while a condom was being used. Later in life (but before the morning after pill was made available without a prescription) I had an experience with a condom breaking. Sunday morning I called every clinic i could find none were open I finally went to the emergency room and had to sit there for 8 hours before they would give me the pill. JMOKatjaMichelle

Not to mention level of maturity and age. There is a big difference from a 17 year old getting pregnant and not being able to parent than that same girl at 21 years old in a stable relationship with better finances. there are so many different reasons and NO ONE has the right to judge. EZ

Of course I don't think people are saying that.What I am saying is I don'tunderstand how a woman can keep the first one but not the second or third one-sorry I don't "get it" !

OK then, I'm gonna have to let you have this one. I see you don't understand how this can happen. I also see that you are not really reading the explanations that have been given. You do not understand, nor do I feel you want to understand.

And you know what, Manni? You might never get it... Same as I don't get why amoms suddenly feel so threatened when the birthmom comes back into the picture (especially in cases of closed adoptions). It is not like these women that are raising other women's children don't know that there is another mother out there. But they will get clingy with the child/adult and feel threatened by the very person they took the child from in the firrst place. That is something I don't get, but I live with because it is all part of this type of situation. YOu know what I mean?

I think that is the most honest thing you've said so far. I don't think anyone is suggesting you should not address your child or attempt to answer their questions, so answer them to the best of your ability if you feel that way. But understand that you may not have the answer, or the answer that your child is looking for. The birthmother can better explain her own rationale behind her decisions and choices. And if then the child is still not satisfied, he or she will have to come to his or her own conclusions as to how to process the information or lack of information. The OP wanted to get in the mind of her chidren's birthmom by asking other birthmoms why she would have multiple pregnancies and some kept children and some relinquished children, as if other birthmoms, simply by virtue of being birthmoms, would have the answer to this (which is very presumptuous and a bit condescending, IMO), when in fact, only her children's birthmom knows her reasons for relinquishing some and not others. So perhaps you should only accept placement with someone who has no other children and agrees to a tubal after she has placed her child. Or else consider an orphan. And then while you are at it, even if you are in the most miserable, abusive marriage, don't even consider divorce, because it may cause emotional scars to your children. I also would not consider any other major life change, like a move, job change, or anything else that would cause you to have to see pain or disappointment on your child's face. Obviously, I'm being facetious, but my point is, you cannot fully protect any child, whether placed or not, from emotional scars. It's part of life, unfortunately. All the OP can do IF THE ISSUE ARISES AT ALL, is to say she does not know why the birthmom placed some and not others. That is the truth, as the OP said, she cannot wrap her mind around it and does not know why. If she wants to tell her children the exact reasons, she will have to ask the birthmother and relay that info to her children. I still maintain, as others have, that it would be best coming from the direct source, the birthmother, in her own words, especially if the amom cannot explain it without interjecting her own bias into it.

You don't need to "get it." I don't "get" a lot of things, either. Sometimes things are just as they are and defy explanation or reason.

Alright, I think everyone here needs to take a deep breath, take a step back and cool down.Since this seems to be getting a little out of control and too heated, I will be closing it for at least 24 hours and then we'll see about opening the thread again.Everyone needs to cool down and remember to be respectful and considerate to one other.Thank you.