Adoptive mom and I could use some advice...

As an amom and adoptee by all means get any info you can. I think if you put yourself out there on Myspace for anyone to see, you kind of lose your right to privacy but that's a whole other issue. I think you would have to respect the bmom's right to have the adoption closed at least until your DD's 18th birthday. Once she is 18 nothing can stop her from searching. If you were to give DD the info earlier, no matter how mature she is, she faces the possibility of being rejected by her bmom and that is tough for anyone to take, much less a teen.

I think it's great that you would do this. My Amom told me once that she had always been curious about my Bparents. I think it is only a normal, human curiosity that you would want to know about your daughter's BPs. As far as when to tell your daughter, IMO, I'm not sure the teen years would be the best time. However, I think, if she ask about her BPs, you should tell her about the information you have. You know her best though, and only you know if she is mature enough to deal with it now or when she ask. Otherwise I agree with the other poster, waiting until she is an adult may be best. My thoughts are based on my own situation. My Aparents had some very vague non identifying information on my BPs from the agency. I was around 12ish, when I began asking questions. They told mee they didn't know anything about my BPs. They never told me about that non id info. I found it one day while looking for my birth certificate for mom. I was really angry at them for never telling me about that piece of paper or showing it to me. Granted I was about 12, but when I asked, I wish they had shown it to me. I don't think they intentionally held the information from me. I just don't think they understood how that would have quenched my curosity at the time. That paper meant so much to me, I still have it today, over 30 years later, and I have had reunions with both BPs. You know your daughter best. You will know when and if the time is right to tell her. Just be honest with her.

You have done nothing wrong. your daughter has a right to know who gave birth to her when she is an adult. This mother put herself on a public web page..how is she going to think she can maintain privacy...oh wait from her daughter...:eek: I also think you are being a good mom by thinking of your daughters needs.if not now but later in life.

I have to say that I am truly impressed with your tenacity on gathering information for the question yet to be asked, will dd even need/want/ask about her birthparents. I don't believe that you are doing anything wrong and from my point of view, it will be cherished information in the future if she ever asks. What a wonderful thing to do for your child! I only wish that information was available to my aparents when I was small, it would have answered so many questions that I had about myself and who I was trying to learn to be, myself. My opinion on when to let her know that you have this information, I would say, be the great mom you are and let her decide. Present what you know as she asks. I wouldn't give it to her all at once, but pieces as she grows up and asks about them. She may never ask, but if she does, you can answer her questions and that's really all an adoptee wants, answers.

Thank you all so much for your responses! It was hard to know if I was doing the right thing--especially since my daughter's birthmom has no idea we know her name so in a way, I felt like I was being disrespectful to her. But you're all right--this is about my daughter now. And honestly, dh and I were a little upset right from the start when we learned this would be a closed adoption. But considering the reasons for my daughter's adoption; I sort of understand why her birthmother made this choice. And I guess my other worry was that I didn't know how/when to share this information. I want to her just always know she was adopted, and not have it be this huge finding out event. But at the same time, I wondered if not showing her the pictures from the start would be dishonest. I guess it will just be a judgement call as my daughter develops and whether or not she shows interest. I just never want her to feel like I kept anything from her, you know? Lord she's only 14 months old and I'm already afraid of ruining her... lol what a mess I am. Really, just thanks everyone! I have a better perspective of how I will handle things in the future. Take care!

I also did this... but sadly, on an inmate finder, not on myspace! I printed out the pictures of my son's parents and also any other information that was available regarding them, what had happened and so on. I'll be keeping them to give to him when he is old enough as well.

lol athikers story and mine has some similarites :) In my opinion, as a mom of teens who were adopted, I would error on the side of honesty. The books, psychologists etc all suggest that a child should know pretty much everything (with some discretion) before puberty hits, after that - they will assume you lied to them. In my opinion, I would frame the picture and put it in her bedroom. You can start now by saying "Thats your birthmom ** she chose mommy and daddy to be your parents and take care of you always and forever". Let it NOT be a mystery - answer her questions as they come, and even if that means you have to explain to an 8 year old that their birth parent is not ready for contact yet, then that's ok. Will your child be sad? Yes they certainly might - but how much better that they can process that loss at the age of 8 with your support and love and care and help, than at 18 when they feel they have to do it on their own. We have had to tell our kids some really, really hard things over the years, but you know, I have no regrets. Its their truth - and there is no mystery to their adoption. Has it been hard at times? Absolutely - but so much better for them to know that I will be honest 100% of the time than to hide ANYTHING from them. And that they can also be honest with me about what they are feeling ... Good luck -- and yes absolutely the internet is a wonderful resource for finding pictures at times :)

I too have several adopted children and have done the same thing you are. i even have a house address and home phone numbers cell phone numbers and e-mails. (for my oldest child) I will not give this binder to my child untill she shows a interest in bfamily. I do want to keep it on hand at all times just in case.:banana:

I think this is a wonderful gift you will be giving to your adoptive children when they are older and want to know the answers to all their questions. I would gather as much info now and later, tracking them as much as you can, as so to know where they are. This will make it easier for contact in later years, when and if the child wants to.

Cjmeck, You and your husband are wonderful...you are doing the right thing for your daughter. Jensboys is wise, have the picture framed for the reasons she stated. Plus, having a picture of my mother would have helped me solely from an "I'm okay, see I look like someone" identity sense of myself which for me was truly an issue in my self-identity growing up. As to when to share, picture from day one...facts you gleam from the info, each in it's own time, at the moment it fits into the situation...all when you believe she is mature enough to handle it, or at 18 or even 21 if she is not ready at 18. I think you will be able to look at it logically, not emotionally based on your own concerns or fears and know when the time is right. Kind regards,Dickons

I am so glad I read this thread....do not want to hijack and make it all about me, BUT.... I am an amom in an open adoption with my son's birthmom and her family. Bdad was involved until my son turned one and then he completely dropped out of the picture. I have gathered everything I have on him and found pics of his family online including his mom (son's birthgrandma) and have saved it in a file. I will respect his wishes not to be involved but I am sooo curious about his sisters and his mom (he never knew his father). I have never met them and I wonder all the time how they are doing and if they wish they could see DS. I know that bdad is the one I have the realtionship with (or lack of) so I would not go "over his head" to the rest of the family, but I do want my son to have the information when he is over 18. Thanks for posting...

I think parents like you are awesome. I wish my parents had done this for me. You are putting your child's needs ahead of your own and, to my mind, that is what a real parent does.

I'm a true believer in honesty and no secrets, no matter how old an adoptee is. The more an adoptee knows, the less fantasy will be involved, and the more comfortable they will feel about discussing it, especially with the giver of the info. If you are willing to talk about it, have curiosity about it, I am sure it would give your daughter the freedom of being able to share it with you. The pain will always be there, the rejection will always be there, lurking, the earlier it can be dealt with the better imo. You can't save an adoptee from this simply by hiding info until you think they are mature enough to handle it. I'm 47 and often I think I am not mature enough to handle it or any more info LOL but I still want it. It's my info. Mine. I think giving an adoptee info about their family should be done as soon as possible, and then maybe it won't become a difficult, awkward or secret subject in the home to THEM. I never came out and just asked as a teen or an adult, I asked as a child and learned they didn't know anything and really didn't seem to care or want to do anything to know anything more. I surmised that it would probably be wise of me not to ask anymore. Their disinterest caused great anger in me, and rejection of part of myself by them, and still does. It couldn't hurt to be able to see a family member, even if it's just a picture of one, especially one that looks similar, I had to wait until I had my first child to experience this. My whole world changed. I wish I had had a pic of my mom all of my life. Finally seeing her picture at 40 was so very difficult, yet wonderful. Seeing her in person was indescribable. I always wish I had just known everything, it wouldn't have become such a big deal when I became an adult. I wouldn't have spent many hours of looking at people wondering who my mom was, or what she could look like, be like, not to emntion the search...... Good on you Cjmeck. Public info on the web is just that, yours to view and share :) Multiply your curiosity by 1000000, and that is what your daughter most likely will feel, spoken or unspoken. Good job mom :) :clap:

I'd find whatever information about my birth roots very helpful - photos, documents, everything! I think you're being wonderfully pro-active and awesome! My gut feeling is to share information, or at least open a dialogue in an age-appropriate way with your child as early as possible to avoid a sense of stigma. I recall that there have been several books written about how to talk with one's children about adoption, including a book called, "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections", very practical info. I wish more parents had such foresight and consideration for their kids. I imagine that many parents may still shy away from sharing such info since they're unsure just how to approach and deal with all the unknowns - hence, the "don't ask, don't tell" approach. Good for you for being so pro-active and having the courage to prepare in addressing your child's questions - which I'm sure will surface eventually as questions such as, "where do babies come from? where did I come from?" crop up.

First, as an adopted child I want to say that you are not only DOING THE RIGHT THING, but I believe it is your obligation. IF your daughter was adopted under the assumption that her biological parent believed she was not of the proper capacity to raise the girl, then obviously among the bio mom, you and the child ARE the MOST SOUND of the parties. Having said that, your interest in gathering info is quite obviously an enormous display of love for the girl and respect for her biological mother whom I am certain will regret a "closed" adoption one day soon. Your actions prove your love, security, and care for everyone involved and the day when either your daughter or her bio mom wants to reconnect you will be ready with the information having had the love and foresight to see this day beyond what she anticipated. If i was your adopted child this fact alone would prove you "loved' me. Good work.